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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Perspective needed. Please help.

40 replies

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 26/02/2021 23:44

I just need a bit of perspective and some different opinions on a situation that has occurred in my household this evening.

We had just finished watching a film together (me, DH, DD + DS) The end credits were rolling and the tv was blaring, it was so loud that I couldn’t think straight. DD10 stood up and said she was going to clean her teeth I was frantically trying to turn the tv down but it wasn’t going down fast enough and she kept on repeating herself as she wasn’t getting an instant “ok” from me, I got frustrated with this and shouted “ok”. She snapped back at me, “sorry!” So I told her off for being rude. DH very childishly responds with a “woah” to me which made me feel utterly undermined and DS15 tells DD that she “always ruins everything”. DD stomps off up the stairs at this. I tell DS not to be mean and say things like that etc and DH proceeds to tell me that I’ve caused the entire thing. DS goes upstairs to get ready for bed and DH and I proceed to have a falling out where I tell him that I don’t expect him to undermine me like that. He tells me that he thinks it’s perfectly fine for a child to snap back at a parent if the parent has snapped at them. I don’t agree. My head feels like it’s going to explode and I feel so confused by what just happened. I was irritated as she could see that I was trying to turn the tv down but persisted to repeat herself (I know children do this) but I feel like DH made the situation worse by belittling me. I am interested in others opinions on this as I feel like I’m going mad. I am happy to be told I’m in the wrong. I can’t talk to anyone else about this. Thank you.

OP posts:

Sunnyrainydays · 26/02/2021 23:51

Hello, sounds like a similar situation in many households. TV loud, kids talking etc. I'm the same as you and you're definitely correct that kids shouldn't snap back at adults

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 26/02/2021 23:53

Even if a parent has snapped first? This is my husbands point. He thinks it’s ok if a parent has snapped first.

OP posts:

Snowymcsnowsony · 26/02/2021 23:55

Surely at this hour you can just blame everyone being tired? A 10 yo up at this time wasn't going to end well ime..
Tomorrow is another day..

Somethingkindaoooo · 26/02/2021 23:55

Your DH said " whoa" , and , this is belittling?

If I was over reacting ( ie if I was wrong) I would honestly want my partner to calm it down.

I think " whoa" IS a gentle way to de escalate the situation.

Somethingkindaoooo · 26/02/2021 23:58

OP
SHOULD you have snapped?

You weren't in control of your temper, but you expect a 10 year old to be in control of hers?

That is seriously unfair, and perhaps why you DH decided to ' whoa' you.

StormcloakNord · 26/02/2021 23:58

I think the "whoa" was an attempt to diffuse the situation.

If he was blatantly undermining you he'd have said something like "don't speak to her like that" or "don't snap at DD like that".

Your overreacting about DH as he wasn't undermining you.

You weren't overreacting at DD as quite frankly she's old enough to know not to incessantly repeat herself, that's just annoying as all fuck even if it is your own kid.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 26/02/2021 23:58

@Snowymcsnowsony

Surely at this hour you can just blame everyone being tired? A 10 yo up at this time wasn't going to end well ime.. Tomorrow is another day..

You’re totally right. She was exhausted. I guess I feel tired of feeling undermined and unsupported and that’s really the big issue here.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 26/02/2021 23:58

I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed with TV noises and voices coming from all sides, but if you can't stop yourself snapping then I'm not sure you can expect a child to.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:05

Thanks all. It’s helpful. I guess I’m a bit tired of feeling like the only parent in the room. He was sitting right next to her and could have easily acknowledged her whilst I was trying to turn the tv down/off. This situation will be sounding pathetic to everyone I know but it’s hard to explain.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/02/2021 00:07

I think because it is part of a pattern of you be undermined that you are upset.

I think it was rude of you 10 year old to speak to you like that and it must be very frustrating that your husband thinks her rudeness is ok.

NotAgainNoMore · 27/02/2021 00:11

You started it OP. I think you should be the bigger person and apologise to your DD. DH, whoa was entirely appropriate. But on the other hand, why didn't he say OK to DD, that would have stopped all this in the first place!

FeckinCat · 27/02/2021 00:11

I think the person I would be most annoyed at would be your DS. He inserted himself into the incident for no good reason and used it as an excuse to have a go at your DD.

At 15yrs old he's old enough to know better. Your DH should also have backed you up on that point rather than blaming you for everything.

So I would say:

DD was tired, and she only snapped after being shouted at for something that wasn't really her fault.
DH wasn't entirely out of order to step in when you were getting annoyed with DD for no good reason but was wrong to not back you up when your DS stuck his oar in.
I would be having words with DS at some point about his behaviour. He was wrong to butt in and wrong to use the incident as an excuse to have a go at his little sister.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:23

@billy1966

I think because it is part of a pattern of you be undermined that you are upset.

I think it was rude of you 10 year old to speak to you like that and it must be very frustrating that your husband thinks her rudeness is ok.

It is beyond frustrating. Sometimes I feel like he says things like that to wind me up. It’s mid boggling. I know I shouldn’t have snapped but sometimes you are just pushed to your limits as a person.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:27

@NotAgainNoMore

I went up to her room and we had a hug etc. Sometimes you are pushed over the edge and you snap. Yes, I feel like he’s not in the same room most of the time. Like he doesn’t see what’s going on right in front of him. He was oblivious until a snapped. I hate myself for snapping I really do but I have been asking her for a while not to keep on repeating herself if she can see I’m trying to do something. I’m not deaf. Ironically I was trying to get a bit of quiet so I could focus on her. Look where that got me.

OP posts:

TheChip · 27/02/2021 00:30

I get overwhelmed and snap sometimes if there is a lot of noise at once. So I understand your frustration and being flustered there.

However, I know when that happens that my snappiness is not acceptable and I apologise for it.
I'd not be annoyed with my kids if they snapped back at me, especially if they had repeated themselves a few times. It's hard for anyone not to respond in a snappy way when you have repeated yourself more than twice.

Your husband was possibly trying to lighten the mood a bit for everyone.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:30

@FeckinCat

I think the person I would be most annoyed at would be your DS. He inserted himself into the incident for no good reason and used it as an excuse to have a go at your DD.

At 15yrs old he's old enough to know better. Your DH should also have backed you up on that point rather than blaming you for everything.

So I would say:

DD was tired, and she only snapped after being shouted at for something that wasn't really her fault.
DH wasn't entirely out of order to step in when you were getting annoyed with DD for no good reason but was wrong to not back you up when your DS stuck his oar in.
I would be having words with DS at some point about his behaviour. He was wrong to butt in and wrong to use the incident as an excuse to have a go at his little sister.

Thank you for pointing that out re DS. He has been asked repeatedly not to comment during situations such as this. I am literally at the end of my tether with my daughter repeating herself if she doesn’t get an instant reaction. I can be doing anything and she doesn’t seem to notice. I have asked her nicely umpteen times not to do it. I thought she’d have grown out of it by now. It was honestly a bit of a sensory overload.

OP posts:

FeckinCat · 27/02/2021 00:35

It sounds like a frustrating end to the evening.

I hope you manage to get a decent night's sleep and that tomorrow is a better day for you all.

Bumpsadaisie · 27/02/2021 00:38

It all sounds exhausting. Even the kind of question Mark around which parent ought to have acknowledged your dd going to clean her teeth.

Why did it need acknowledging / it all sound very intense and not relaxed Easter like you were playing the role of "family film night" rather than just having a chilled out time together.

You sound like you're ready to snap on quite a small annoyance. Don't blame you as this is a hard time for everyone. But you're on here straight after trying to continue to drill away at this small altercation which unless I'm massively misreading it sounds like it should be very quickly forgotten and moved on from.

But going forward maybe just try to chill.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:43

@Bumpsadaisie

It all sounds exhausting. Even the kind of question Mark around which parent ought to have acknowledged your dd going to clean her teeth.

Why did it need acknowledging / it all sound very intense and not relaxed Easter like you were playing the role of "family film night" rather than just having a chilled out time together.

But going forward maybe just try to chill.

I wasn’t on here straight after actually. This is the first time I’ve posted in relationships as I have no one else to talk to and was feeling like I was going insane by the whole situation. Thanks for the advice to chill though. I will try that

OP posts:

FeckinCat · 27/02/2021 00:50

I may be wrong but I got the impression that this wasn't the first time that you'd felt that your DH had undermined you.

I also wondered whether DS butting in was a behaviour that he'd picked up from his dad.

Apologies if I'm wrong.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:57

@FeckinCat

I may be wrong but I got the impression that this wasn't the first time that you'd felt that your DH had undermined you.

I also wondered whether DS butting in was a behaviour that he'd picked up from his dad.

Apologies if I'm wrong.

No it’s not the first time at all. I’m not going to drip feed at all. I’m just fed up with feeling like my husband is one of the children and the children are also adults. It feels wrong. These things never ever happen when it’s just the kids and me. I’m not explaining myself very well here and trying myself in knots.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 00:58

In fact, I wonder if my DS was stepping in in place of DH who “doesn’t like to get involved” hmm. Food for thought.

OP posts:

Pyewackect · 27/02/2021 01:01

I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. The moments gone. Let it go.

Original poster

Perpetuallyfrustrated · 27/02/2021 01:04

@Pyewackect

I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. The moments gone. Let it go.

I can see why it’s easy for you to think that.

OP posts:

LoveFall · 27/02/2021 01:16

Sounds like a tired almost pre-adolescent to me. It will blow over. I might talk to her quietly and say you are sorry it went like that, let's get a good night sleep and it will feel better in the morning.

Pretty normal sounding to me.

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