Do you take an unfaithful DP back for the sake of the kids?

[sbf]

I'm new here but honestly don't know what to do for the best. I've been reading some of the posts and with all the crap some people seem to be going through it seems the best place to ask for some advice as I reckon i've bored my friends and family to death with it all.
Background. Together with DP for 10 years but I caught him out in a lie and he let me down very badly for which I still haven't forgiven him for.

Anyway 6 months after this found a text which suggested he was seeing somenone else, on confronting him he denied it. After talking to the wench he was with he admitted he had sex with this person once but had broke it off. Anyway too much going on at the time so we split last year. We have children together but after months of struggling by myself, and feeling lonely should I give it another go, just don't know if I can trust him. He has slept with someone since we have been apart but says he is single (can I believe him?).

He swears he will never do it again blah blah but still I don't trust him. The only thing is my relationship with very much affects his with the kids if were talkiing he is over here all the time, if not he goes missing. Also he is very childish and immature, do I owe it to my kids to try and give them the childhood both ex DP and i never had.
Apart from him being a lying c* he is very nice to me and can be very supportive if i'm down, very affectionate, loving, caring always telling me he loves me etc.. but totally irresponable. Sometimes I think he needs me to be needy but i'm just not that type. Should I put the kids first, my life wouldnt be hellish with him, its the trust thing really, once a cheater...?

It would be so easy if he was out and out nasty but apart from a handful of episodes (due his irresponsibilty) he is ok. He sweasrs he will grow up if I give him another chance. The thing is i'm not sure if I want him or just don't lkie the fact of him being with someone else (or me being alone), I do love him but sometimes wonder if its because he has been part of my whole adult life and we have supported each other through some serious stuff.

Sorry to ramble, its a bit hard to stop when u start

If you don't trust him and cannot ever see yourself trusting him again, then I would say no.

A relationship without trust is like a yacht without sails - it looks the part but it ain't going anywhere!

He says he's single and acts accordingly.

You don't trust him.

'Aside from being a lying, cheating person whom I don't trust' he's really nice.

Re-read that sentence over and over again.

Don't take him back until YOU are 100% sure you want him back, and 100% sure you can trust him.

Kids don't benefit from having a mum and dad who are together but don't trust each other, are cheating on each other behind each other's backs, etc.

He should be doing EVERYTHING possible to get you back and make himself trustworthy, btw, if he's serious about this.

I'd be tempted to give him a chance.Only one more mind.
I think it's terrible for children to grow up without a father.

but they're not growing up without a father, moondog, they're growing up without a resident father.

lots of folks do it and grow up healthy and well-adjusted.

and lots of folks who parents stayed together for the sake of the kids grow up fucked up.

I know yes.
I don't condone his pathetic behaviour. Not for a minute. But..sometimes people make dreadful mistakes and then learn their lesson.
Sometimes.

well, it looks like he hasn't learned FA because instead of doing everything in his power to convince his partner he's worthy of another chance since she threw his ass out, he's going around shagging other people and says he is single.

hardly someone who deserves a second chance.

not to mention this other lie he told.

and she's not sure if she wants him or it's all just not wanting him to be with someone else or being alone.

hmm.

not good signs, sbf.

Maybe you could look into getting some couples counselling before you decide whether or not to let him move back in.

See how dedicated he is to getting your relationship back on track.

If he doesn't give 100% to proving it is worth fighting for, and working on, then you have your answer.

I suppose he has been trying, he did all the begging pleading stuff. However i dont know if you can cheat on someone if you really love them. Perhaps i've answered my own question.

As to the trust thing I guess thats ny issue to deal with, I either can or I can't.

The thing is he wants all or nothing, he wont have a proper relationship with the kids if we are not together and although its not my fault he feels that way, obviously I feel responsible that because of me they wont have a proper relationship.

I dont want my kids fucked up (his did that to him)thats why i'm taking so long to decide whats for the best, I don't want to take him back for it to go tits up and effect them later. I also don't want to be blamed for wrecking their childhood by not giving him another chance.

'The thing is he wants all or nothing, he wont have a proper relationship with the kids if we are not together and although its not my fault he feels that way, obviously I feel responsible that because of me they wont have a proper relationship.'

That's emotional blackmail.

And using kids as a pawn.

That's not really nice behaviour.

Begging and pleading to come back isn't trying.

See a counsellor for yourself first.

He is the one making ultimatums about not seeing the children if you don't take him back.

He is the one who has been unfaithful.

He is the one who is "totally irresponsible".

He should be begging you for another chance.
Not using emotional blackmail to try and make you feel like his appaling behaviour is your fault.

Your children need a happy mother.

If their father won't have a proper relationship with them because he can't get his own way, then he will have to deal with that.

But it isn't your fault.

Oh and the other lie thing is way to involved, it was a white lie, but because of stuff that happened at the time he told it(way to painful to go into but the events were not as a result of the lie)it is still raw and part of the reason things were so bad between us us when he fucked up so to speak.

Aparently this latest thing was a one night stand. I asked he told, what can I do we are not together, but according to him it was months back, he has no girlfriend and is not sleeping with anyone. No one compares blah blah. I dont bllody know it all to hard

Bloody hell i'm getting it all out know.

The thing is what can he do to make him trust him, I have know idea surely this is my problem. But because he lied before even him saying it was a one off thing is like I dont believe him, not because he has done/I have witnessed anything to suggest otherwise just because....

He is still irresponsible ie not financially contributing properly, so I guess if he were serious he would grow up and pull he's finger out!!!

Reading back, he really is a twat, not a mean one just one who has no direction and has been badly affected by childhood. That is his mums a cold hearted b who never gives her kids the time of day and his dad is a moron who reckons he has 26 kids dotted around the globe. Mind u he is a grown man he can't use this old chesnut forever

The thing is i'm the only person he has, (still only talks to me about anything important) but i guess thats his problem he fucked up not me.

And your totally all right he does use the kids against me and thats not right. If I dont stop him from seeing him then surely only he is to blame for a lack of relationship.

You don't want him back as a partner. He's more of an extra child to look after than another adult to help you out. And if he refuses to see the children unless you let him have sex with you when he can't get it anywhere else (which is basically what he's asking for) then he's not a great father, is he?

Don't cut off his contact with the kids, it's better for them to see their father, and better all round to keep things as civil as possible between you - but what is not necessary is for you to be made miserable by having to service, look after and worry about this man. His bad childhood is his problem, not yours and certainly not your DCs'.

No trust = no relationship.

He uses you as an emotional crutch. Tell this manchild to find someone else to talk to about anything important other than the children.

Think you're feeling like this as well because you are lonely. However, he is not the right man for you and never will be. Irresponsible manchildren like this rarely if ever change.

I do see why you would consider taking him back and your reasons for that. And ultimately you two may be able to work through this.

But as a bare minimum to begin with I would sit him down and have a serious talk about his responsbilities and his attitude towards his children - he wants to rebuild the trust - but he thinks that can be done with some grovelling and lots of apologies... And that is nowhere near enough!!

If I were you I'd explain to him that if he acted like a responsible father, put the needs of his children first and maintained his relationship with them despite everything that is going on between you two - surely that would make you respect him so much more and be a good step in the right direction. Why can't he see that for himself?

You're right - he can't keep using the excuse of his childhood or the bad parenting he experienced forever. Surely his own experience should be all the reason he needs to make sure he never lets his own children down no matter what! He doesn't need to be on good terms with you to do that does he. He's their father. That bit is entirely up to him!

I think you two could get through this. But I think he needs to grow up and fast. And I would want to see actions too - not just words. Words are easy. If he would see a counsellor, deal with his issues and insecurities from his own childhood, deal with whatever made him have the affair in the first place, and most of all, prove to you he can be a good father whether you're together as a couple or not - well then I would say to you that he is doing everything in his power to put this right and it would be worth trying to work it out.
All of the effort can't come from you. It has to be from him too.
He swears he will grow up if you give him another chance - I think he now needs to prove it with his actions.

Best of luck to you both. After what you've been through you deserve to be happy.

You deserve better sbf. Don't waste any more of your life on him other than for arrangements re the children.

I think this is very complicated. I stayed with an unfaithful husband for some years (for the children). I don't regret it for a minute. We are now divorced. I lost out on some of my life in those years, but it was my decision. I didn't trust him to be faithful, but I did appreciate him in other ways and vice versa. There isn't (imo) a right or wrong answer to this, but best of luck whatever you decide to do.

My husband cheated on me and I took him back. But not for the sake of the kids.

They were of course a big factor, but I took him back because I love him, because in our case I believed that he wouldn't do it again, because I believed our relationship was worth continuing with and that it was a fixable problem.

Reading the circumstances you describe I'd say no way.

He isn't behaving at all like someone who regrets his behaviour and will never break your heart again, that he has changed his way and will do anything to save his marriage and put you and the children first.

Until he bahaves like this and you feel 100% it's right, I'd say, stay away.

I wouldn't take an unfaithful partner back for the sake of the kids but, I might use them as an excuse to take him back

FWIW - if you take him back it has to be because you love him as well as for the kids. If he strayed before, my view is that a DH/DP won't stay faithful for long in your renewed relationship if the love and trust has been lost. Can you be sure it won't happen again?

My mother took my father back twice after he had strayed, "for the kids" and because she didn't want to be alone. She was scared that she'd lose her social life and friends made through him and coping with 3 kids on her own with no support. She once took him back after a psycho he had been sh*gging took an overdose and put my dad down as her next of kin, so the first my mum knew about it was my dad rushing off to an intensive care unit . My mum put herself second after what she thought was our best interests and protected us, but she had lost any love she had for my dad. He left her in the end because "you want nothing to do with me in bed, but I can't fault the way you run the house" i.e. he was happy to be living with his kids, have a clean house and shirts ironed, but he never changed and my mum never trusted/loved him.

I took my ex-husband back and he did it again ....... I really regret wasting the time and effort, fortunately no children involved in that marriage. It's hard and I really sympathise as it takes a long time before you trust anyone again and you're left with a huge trolley of emotional baggage to offload in time ...

Thank you all, I suppose when we split I thought if we were that important he would do anything possible to try and improve himself so that I would look at him differently. Although I made it clear that I would never take him back I suppose i feel if the tables were turned and I wanted him to trust me again I would take responsibilty and show him that I had tried to be everything he wanted me to be so he could see that I was making an effort.

I feel in a way that instead of this he reverted into an even bigger child, but he says this is because he has lost everything so he has nothing to lose. I really havent given him any hope therefore I suppose he has given up but if you trully want something you would fight tooth and nail to get it, perhaps I'm expecting too much in that I feel a women would do this however men are a bit more basic

In terms of sex I am so not an easy lay, but perhaps that part of the problem. I suppose I am like most women in that if youre being an arse the last thing I want to do is have sex with you.

What do I do now, shall i give him another chance (not move back in or anything) but set a time limit for him to change his ways, if he doesn't then I know that at least i've tried then can move on. Also how do you deal with the trust thing I dont want to be an obsessive bunny boiler that wants to know his movements all the time.

In terms of sex I suppose if we do try again then that has to be back on the cards as he might go elsewhere......

I feel if I dont i'll have all the what ifs, i'd say it is 80% for the kids but I do love him. The loneliness is part of it but i've been lonely before you get on and over it don't you. The thing is I can't see myself with anyone else and he says he only wants me ..then why go shag someone else or is that a man thing.

I think really i've been so upset about a personal issue that it has made me think maybe I do need someone to lean on instead of doing it all myself. And to be fair after months of treating him like the invisible man when I needed him he has dropped everything and been there for me 100%, I suppose thats part of the turnaround really he does have some really nice ways about him.

You know, it's not that this man is disinclined towards monogamy, that's the problem. The problem is he is a spoilt self-obsessed, self-pitying dickhead. His next trick will probably be to threaten self-harm or take an 'overdose' of two multivitamins and a paracetamol.

By all means maintain a friendly relationship with him for the sake of the DC but not one that involves you allowing him sex or doing his washing or cooking him meals (apart from perhaps the occasional family event when he's in the position of a guest in the house and not to offer food would be impolite). If he shows signs of acting like a responsible adult over the next 6 months to a year you might want to reconsider (I spose) but really, really, it's far better to be alone than to have to service a self-obsessed twat who gives you no help and can;t stop moaning about his poor little fragile self.