Do you take an unfaithful DP back for the sake of the kids?

[sbf]

I'm new here but honestly don't know what to do for the best. I've been reading some of the posts and with all the crap some people seem to be going through it seems the best place to ask for some advice as I reckon i've bored my friends and family to death with it all.
Background. Together with DP for 10 years but I caught him out in a lie and he let me down very badly for which I still haven't forgiven him for.

Anyway 6 months after this found a text which suggested he was seeing somenone else, on confronting him he denied it. After talking to the wench he was with he admitted he had sex with this person once but had broke it off. Anyway too much going on at the time so we split last year. We have children together but after months of struggling by myself, and feeling lonely should I give it another go, just don't know if I can trust him. He has slept with someone since we have been apart but says he is single (can I believe him?).

He swears he will never do it again blah blah but still I don't trust him. The only thing is my relationship with very much affects his with the kids if were talkiing he is over here all the time, if not he goes missing. Also he is very childish and immature, do I owe it to my kids to try and give them the childhood both ex DP and i never had.
Apart from him being a lying c* he is very nice to me and can be very supportive if i'm down, very affectionate, loving, caring always telling me he loves me etc.. but totally irresponable. Sometimes I think he needs me to be needy but i'm just not that type. Should I put the kids first, my life wouldnt be hellish with him, its the trust thing really, once a cheater...?

It would be so easy if he was out and out nasty but apart from a handful of episodes (due his irresponsibilty) he is ok. He sweasrs he will grow up if I give him another chance. The thing is i'm not sure if I want him or just don't lkie the fact of him being with someone else (or me being alone), I do love him but sometimes wonder if its because he has been part of my whole adult life and we have supported each other through some serious stuff.

Sorry to ramble, its a bit hard to stop when u start

You know, it's not that this man is disinclined towards monogamy, that's the problem. The problem is he is a spoilt self-obsessed, self-pitying dickhead. His next trick will probably be to threaten self-harm or take an 'overdose' of two multivitamins and a paracetamol.

By all means maintain a friendly relationship with him for the sake of the DC but not one that involves you allowing him sex or doing his washing or cooking him meals (apart from perhaps the occasional family event when he's in the position of a guest in the house and not to offer food would be impolite). If he shows signs of acting like a responsible adult over the next 6 months to a year you might want to reconsider (I spose) but really, really, it's far better to be alone than to have to service a self-obsessed twat who gives you no help and can;t stop moaning about his poor little fragile self.

Yes,you're all right.
He does sound like a twat.
Ernest,didn't you leave when you were pg with your fourth?
You are back with your bloke then now are you? I hope it is all resolved.

Not quite moonday. It all kicked off with dh in March. I booted him out but just for a week to think things over. we never actually spilt up. I found out I'm pg with no. 4 ( ) a couple of weeks ago while over in UK cos his mum died, so was strange time to find out the news. All going well with him, with slight complication of him working as of today in Milan, so for indefinate future we're living in different countries. But thank you for remembering me (in higgledy piggledy kinda way)

sbf, you sound more like you're considering getting back with him cos yo're fed up of being alone. In which case you could try likking for a new, grown up, man. If however, you're seriously thinking of getting back with him, give him x months to prove to you he's willing to change and let him prove it to you. If at the end of 6 months he's still crap, or starts off well and turns crap, then there's your answer.

moondog, sorry, my brain is all over the place.

off topic, but congrats on your pregnancy, Ernest. I followed your previous threads and think you showed a lot of courage. Hope all goes well

aw thank you so much. that means a lot to me oxocube

i personally would not take this guy back, you don't seem to trust him and i don't blame you. a relationship 'for the sake of the kids' is a dire situation to put yourself in, and you can't sacrifice your own happiness for them as that defeats the object. they need you to be happy and secure. and ultimately they will pick up on the lack of trust/instability in the relationship, which would potentially screw them up more than simply having separated parents. you have to do what feels right to you, but if you know deep down that you can't trust him again, then just move on and see him simply as an ex and your child's father. if you're lonely, don't revisit a failed relationship, find a new bloke, who won't mess about, they do exist!

he sounds a self centred idiot

why doesnt he see the kids regularly now? that would show a commitment to you and them

i guess one way would be to start 'dating' again and see each other with/without the kids regularly but without living together

that way you get to know him again and build trust without more turmoil for the kids

if he isnt happy to do that then he may have another agenda eg financial or otherwise

To be honest I think the big issue is trust and our mixed views on parenthood.

He does see them, but is not reliable and I won't have them mucked around, when he does see them he goes all out and is the best dad in the world but this is not enough esp when it is so hit and miss. Increasingly he wants us to do things together like go to family do's etc and I feel a bit weird as were not together, and I can't stand his family. Why can't he go by himself and the kids??
Does this show a lack of effort on my part? I just feel he wants the family show thing but at the same time wants to hang around like a child with his single mates (all of whom are even worse than him and have rather strange ideas about relationships).

Also he does stuff like come around when he thinks they are not around to spend time with me????? why? I'm not his child, offers to do stuff, get the shopping etc (i dont drive). It is nice and I am grateful but why cant he see that the only way for us to get back together is for him to provide financially for his kids (properly not the crap he gives now)and be a more reliable parent. He seems to think i should be pleased because he is better than the other muppets he mixes with, WTF.

I find it difficult to trust people anyway and I am a bit of a commitment phobe, but maybe if he did these things and made an effort I may in time learn to trust him again and make the commitment he wants from me. I just feel that I'm so far along now that to go back and have it go tits up would put me right back at the beggining, even if he did not cheat again without him growing up it wont work anyway. But do I owe it to my kids to give it another go. I am lonely but to be honest thats not the problem, I think a far more lonely place would be to be stuck in a painful relationship feeling there is no way out.

I havent met anyone in this past year that i've wanted to spend any time with but i know they are out there and hopefully would not ber destined to a life by myself, I just dont like being mucked around and would hate to do this to someone else, so I feel I need to sort this out first.

He will definately not be moving in though.

Oops forgot to say thanks for everyones advice its made me think alot, no clearer to a decision though

I don't think that you should ever get back together soley for the sake of your children. You should work hard to maintain a friendly relationship for the sake of the kids, of course, but not compromise your life. Also if you do feel like that it's unlikely that the realtionship will work anyway, and then you will have really confused and upset children. It is possible to rebuild a relationship after breakdowns in trust (I am planning on doing so myself - dh and I anticipate being a family again after two years apart in January) but you I think that have to go into it as if you were starting a new relationship, with the same level of committment and hope.

SBF, you can have a comfortable 'family' relationship with him without having to be in a couple with him. I am not in a couple with my DS father - he was an old XP from about 15 years ago that I was on friendly terms with, we had a tipsy bunk up and I got pregnant, neither of us wants to be a 'couple' but we have an agreement that we are DS's parents first andforemost. DS dad sees him twice a week, contributes financially, we do sometimes go out as a 'family' because neither of us are in any kind of monogamous couple relationship (and if he does get into one, as he reckons he's hoping to do, then I hope we will still have family days with his new DP invited and welcomed...) We both have to gently fend off suggestions from grandparents that we should live together or marry because neither of us remotely wants to, but we manage very well.

I sort of think that, if the other parent of your DC is not someone you can or want to be in a romantic couple with, the best way to think of and deal with them is as a sort of cousin: a family member that merits civil and friendly treatment but nothing more. Obviously if the other parent of your children is a violent abuser or an addict then the situation is different, but otherwise, it's worht keeping it as amicalbe as you can without buying into the idea that you've got to put up with him as your Mate for Better or Worse when it makes you unhappy. Because putting up with a partner for the sake of DCs basically teaches them that women's feelings, wishes, choices, don't matter. (Because it is usually women who are told to put up with tiresome partners).

I couldn't personally - you have to listen to your head and your heart here because only you know your relationship.