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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t know what to do

27 replies

BuzzyBee91 · 26/02/2021 18:09

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. I’m 33 and he’s 40 years old and he has 3 girls from his ex. I love him, never met anyone so similar to me in many ways. Covid has obviously restricted a lot of relationships and I feel it has ours. However, I just don’t know If love is enough anymore. I’m finding myself getting angry, irritated and just upset about so many things, little things not even particularly important. He hasn’t worked for 18 months, and not sure when he will return due to health, I pay for probably 80/85% of things including clothes, food, rent, bills etc. I run around doing majority of things for him and his girls whenever they are around, I work a full time job even through the pandemic and it just never ends. I know we can’t do much with Covid but there’s no signs of holidays or anything to look forward to unless I’m paying for it. I feel tired and drained all the time. I plan everything - days out, date nights, valentines gifts, birthday surprises and I get very little back. I’m just so disappointed but scared, upset because I feel I have put so much into the relationship.

OP posts:
moirarosebabay · 26/02/2021 18:16

It doesn't sound like he adds much to your life. Why did the relationship with the mother of his kids end? My ex h is like this and I wonder what his new gf sees in him. It was such a relief when he left as I didn't have a giant baby to look after (the kids and a demanding full time job were so much easier without him there adding work for me) I'm just not programmed to find mothering a man attractive and the attraction went. I know you'd have the short term sadness of missing him but maybe this is what is putting you off dumping him.

Topseeturveel · 26/02/2021 18:24

So he stopped work 6 months into your relationship. You're being played.

Unless you want the next 20 years to be like this, time to end it. Don't say you haven't been warned.

LindaJoh · 26/02/2021 18:27

It won't get a better luv, I was married to one like that for 24 years & stayed for the kids until I couldn't take anymore & kicked him out, don't wast your life they ain't worth it. 😜

TheWaif · 26/02/2021 18:27

What is his health problem? Roughly..

CountTessa · 26/02/2021 18:29

You said it yourself: you've put so much in but get nothing back. So the choice is yours as to whether you continue to drain yourself, or have a collaborative discussion about equitable amounts of effort.

My guess, is if you do the latter, he will agree to change and do so for maybe 3 weeks and then you're back where you are at present.

Now seems a good time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether all the effort is worth it.

anunexaminedlife · 26/02/2021 18:29

What's the point of him?

Unanananana · 26/02/2021 18:29

Sounds like he has his feet well and truly under your table. Your his maid, his nanny and piggy bank all in one.

Hopefully he has a giant penis to make up for it, because it sounds like he does fuck all else! Time to get angry op, you are worth more.

category12 · 26/02/2021 18:32

What's his health issue?

Maze76 · 26/02/2021 18:32

It’s clear you have invested a lot into your relationship, perhaps it’s time to have an honest conversation with him? Tell him how you feel and see how he responds? Do you think living separately will help, give you space to just date again without the added responsibility of looking after him and his kids?

category12 · 26/02/2021 18:35

Do you want children of your own?

Bananalanacake · 26/02/2021 18:38

Can you live separately but still have a relationship with him. It sounds like you don't need his financial contribution.

Snowymcsnowsony · 26/02/2021 18:39

Tattoo removal isn't that expensive
.
You need the MUG removed off your forehead..

Arrivederla · 26/02/2021 18:41

You are calling these "little things, not even particularly important..."???!

Really? Making you pay for everything and do all the work (including with his children) is a little thing? Not in my book, not unless he genuinely has a serious health problem.

KirstenBlest · 26/02/2021 18:57

You are the housekeeper, nanny and breadwinner.

He's a cocklodger.

HollowTalk · 26/02/2021 18:58

Yet another cocklodger. It makes me want to cry.

billy1966 · 26/02/2021 19:07

Unbelievable.

Could you be a bigger mug?

6 months in and you do and pay for everything.

Your relationship bar must be on the floor and you must have absolutely zero respect for yourself to allow this to happen.

Cop yourself on and wake up.

If you don't,you have the longest, hardest most miserable life ahead of you while those around you think you are DIM.

Apologies for being harsh, but you need to place some value on this one life that you have.

How he must be laughing at you.
Unbelievable.

Are you giving his wife an allowance too?
Because we had that on another thread🙄.

You have one precious life, have you no value of it?
Flowers

BuzzyBee91 · 26/02/2021 19:32

I didn’t expect those responses but I’m quite happy to hear it because I just accept all this. I’ve only ever known shit relationships my previous cheated on me, in and out of work and I don’t know, guess I do have easy target written on my head!

OP posts:
BuzzyBee91 · 26/02/2021 19:33

And yes I do want children but that’s another issue.

OP posts:
Dayafterday · 26/02/2021 19:42

Does he look after his own children or do you do that as well?

category12 · 26/02/2021 19:48

@BuzzyBee91

And yes I do want children but that’s another issue.
No, it's not really another issue. If you're picking up after this guy and his dc now, and supporting him - how on earth does that work with having a child of your own? Don't imagine he'll step up - you'd be looking at doing everything plus everything for a child.

And you're 33, if he's not the right man for you, the right father for your children, you need to get him gone and look for the right one while you have time on your side.

giao · 26/02/2021 19:53

You aren't similar OP. You may be suited in that you give and he takes, but that's as far as it goes.

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2021 10:24

I take it you live together, was that his idea or yours? Who's house is it?

frozendaisy · 27/02/2021 10:32

Jeepers how did you get to this position after only two years?

You could say living together isn't working out for you, try a trial living apart, let him stand on his own two feet again, enjoy date nights etc he won't change under present conditions.

billy1966 · 27/02/2021 10:47

OP,

I mean this kindly but MN is full of young women drafted in to be skivvy step mother to a divorced man's children.

You are now paying for them too.

I respectfully suggest if he hadn't met you, it could be anyone else that he could find.

He needed a mug to do all you are doing.

It's just so sad that you can't see this.
That you place so little value on your life and dreams.

Why would you want to have a child with this waster.

Three children is a lot of work and he doesn't work and you are paying for the privilege of being his skivvy.

There is NOTHING in this arrangement for you.

I barely met my inlaws at 2 years, he's moved in and you are paying for it all.

Unbelievable.

Dump him now.
Get him out.
Spend money on finding out why you would sign up for such a shite relationship.

Plan a decent future for yourself.

He will find some other idiot within a month.
Flowers

updownroundandround · 27/02/2021 12:29

Everyone is right OP, this 'man' brings zero to the relationship except aggro for you!

He moved in after just 6 months
He doesn't work
He doesn't pay for things (for himself, his dc or you)
He doesn't look after HIS OWN kids
He doesn't help with house chores etc
He doesn't even do thoughtful stuff e.g Valentines/ birthdays etc

You let him walk in and set up home in YOUR house after 6 months!
You work full time
You *do housework/ shopping/ cooking/ cleaning
You do all birthdays/ valentines etc
You run around after HIS DC
You pay for you, him and his DC

You get less than ZERO out of this 'relationship', you get ALL the work, and NONE of the joy/ happiness/ freedom/ money/ love/ respect/ consideration...........................

I'm really sorry Op but he does not love you, he just saw you coming a mile off............Confused

Many, many, many men who have DC actually target women in their 30's specifically because they don't have any children but would like to..................because they are very open to suggestion and are more likely to believe all the crap about ''you're my soulmate'' or ''I've never met anyone like you'' swiftly followed by ''why don't we move in together'' and then a few choruses of ''I'd like to marry/ have more DC one day, I'm just not ready yet/ it's not the right time yet/ wait until we sort out a house''....................etc etc

Unfortunately, it's all love bombing then, once they have their feet under your table, they quit working and proceed to live off of you for as long as they can make it last.

All they ever want is a surrogate 'parent' to do all the work, pay the bills and to be the 'parent' to their own DC when they visit. Angry

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