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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Counting down till H back to his office!!

44 replies

GeraniumSweet · 26/02/2021 17:29

I really want my husband to go back to his office schedule now. We’ve both been wfh since last March and it’s just been too long in each other’s company!

Before the pandemic, we barely saw him Monday to Friday and that was a good balance. He left before our DC woke up and got home after they were asleep and just 1 hour before my own bedtime. That was manageable. We had all weekend as a family and just a few hours on weekend evenings together, but even that time was busy with life and other people.

In my mind I’d planned to keep the family together until our youngest DC goes to uni...in 15 years 🙈 I don’t want to get divorced and lose my DC for half the time.

I love all of us as a family. I don’t like H as a person and I don’t enjoy his company on a 1:1 basis. When it was just a couple of weekend evenings, interspersed with friends, meals out, cinema, other family members, it was quite good.

I don’t think I’ll be able to tolerate him if we need to stick to their wfh proximity (and barely any other outside social interactions) for another 6 months!!

I just need to grey rock for the next half a year. Then hopefully he can disappear for most of the time and I can enjoy our lovely home and family.

Is anyone else in a similar situation?

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 26/02/2021 19:42

Or ... whatever bugs you about him you can tell him and hope he modifies his behaviour

Furgggggg12 · 26/02/2021 19:46

This seems mad OP. You can't do this for fifteen years?! That isn't fair on your children.

JustAnotherOldMan · 26/02/2021 20:17

Hopefully he leaves you ASAP as you sound really like a really unpleasant person

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/02/2021 20:18

You are doing your children a complete disservice by staying 'for them' so to speak when actually you're showing them what an unhappy relationship looks like, which means they won't set the bar at a healthy level for their own relationships as adults. You'll say they don't notice but they will think it's normal for a couple not to be physically affectionate, kind, laugh loads, cheerlead each other, have their own jokes and stories separate to their role as mum and dad etc.

Also you say you don't like him. Is this because he's horrible? If he is, you shouldn't want to model that dynamic to your kids. If he isn't, surely it's unfair on him to essentially have him as an unknowing placeholder for 15 years before you leave him as planned?!

None of this sounds remotely healthy.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 26/02/2021 20:18

I don’t like H as a person and I don’t enjoy his company on a 1:1 basis.

Does he know you don't like him?

Wherearemymarbles · 26/02/2021 20:38

Na.
After wfh for 12 months roll on retirement and the house to ourselves

Sounds grim, he probably dislikes you just as much and staying with him because you cant stomach 50/50 custody is selfish beyond belief.

And if he is working such long hours its not going to be anywhere close to 50/50.

Gather your self respect and leave

Vickles20 · 26/02/2021 20:54

I think you’ve had some harsh replies here.
I Understand how you could’ve got yourselves into this position. With separate lives during the week and kids at weekend.
And then, boom, covid. All of you together now.
We’re in the same position but we’re good.
But I do get what you’re saying.
I would say, hang in there. Ride it out. And hopefully he’ll return to his previous work/home
Balance. However. Be warned he might not. He might continue wfh. He might prefer it. Then I think you both might need to reassess.

peak2021 · 26/02/2021 20:55

I can understand if someone is looking forward to having a room in their house back, or does not like overhearing work conversations, but OP this seems far more than that. Why have you not sort to discuss what you find annoying with DH?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2021 21:28

Why do you think getting divorced would entail you losing your children half the time?. Is that based on fact or as is more likely, mere supposition on your part?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You want to teach your children that a happy marriage and or relationship is not their birthright?. I would also think that you are really staying for your own sake rather than your children’s as it is somehow “easier” for you and a lifestyle you want to maintain. They are not going to say “thanks mum” to you for choosing to stay with him and could well also go onto accuse you of putting him before them thus damaging your own relationship with them.

I don’t think that is what you want going forward so would urge you to make the break sooner rather than later.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2021 21:30

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
What do you get out of this relationship now?

bombardment · 26/02/2021 21:34

I understand OP and feel the same. I want time in my house on my own again. I’m fed up with looking at his face 24/7. This is not natural. I’m not interested in losing my kids either. I certainly don’t want them calling some other woman mum or some other woman putting them to bed at night. I didn’t go through labour to hand them over to some other woman to play mother to them and get Christmas days with them!! It sucks.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/02/2021 22:08

I appreciate how hard this is but you're choosing your current wants over your children's needs in a sense. Your children deserve to not live in a home where unhealthy and unhappy relationships are being modelled.

That's what they will replicate as adults themselves because they will think it's acceptable and normal.

When you leave as soon as they are adults they will likely feel simultaneously guilty you stayed 'for them' and resentful you didn't give them the chance to have healthy relationship behaviour modelled so they knew what happy and healthy looks like for couples.

I understand me saying that may make you feel angry but as the child in this situation, now an adult, I wish more parents knew they could free themselves from unhappy relationships instead of staying for a child's sake.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 26/02/2021 22:11

Do you work?
If not you are absolutely awful. Coasting along just because you want the 'traditional family set up'
I feel sorry for your dh.

FoxgloveBee · 26/02/2021 22:16

This is really sad. I'm sad for all of you but especially sad for your children.

lonelySam · 26/02/2021 22:21

That lovely home is as much his as it is yours and he has the right to spend there as much time as he pleases.
If you don't like him don't divorce him.

lonelySam · 26/02/2021 22:22

*divorce him, don't stay with him.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 26/02/2021 22:27

I wonder why you are staying with someone you dislike so much? What does he bring to the marriage other than money?
While you are still young dont you want to enjoy life and live a bit while you are young and capable?

shoofly · 26/02/2021 22:28

This just sounds really sad. I actually feel sorry for your husband. Most of us are fed up, but this is another level.

BrideofBideford · 26/02/2021 22:34

Read back your OP, and think what you’d say if OP was your best friend

I get needing a bit of space, I have cabin fever too. I lick myself in the bathroom for an hour every evening just to get 1hr alone-time

But this is another level. Why don’t you like him anymore? What’s annoying about him?

BrideofBideford · 26/02/2021 22:35

LOCK NOT LICK

OMG 😯

Rosieposy89 · 26/02/2021 22:40

@BrideofBideford that typo did make me giggle 🤣

Rosieposy89 · 26/02/2021 22:42

I feel sorry for your husband missing out on so much of his children's childhood. I find that so sad that he's not welcome in his own home

thedownpipe · 26/02/2021 22:44

Blimey. That’s really sad. What a depressing situation.

DH and I have spent more time together in the last year than pretty much ever and it’s been lovely. But then we actually like each other and always have something to talk about.

How sad that you’re married to someone you can’t even tolerate for a couple of days. I assume there will be a drip feed once you realise how awful your post sounds and your DH will suddenly become abusive or neglectful.

DrDreReturns · 26/02/2021 22:48

Why don't you go back to the office?

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2021 22:50

Gosh op. What a sad situation. Does he also dislike you? I’m guessing probably so and you both hide it for the kids?

What a desperately sad situation to spend the next 15 years, but that means your youngest is only three, so you liked him well enough ro shag him and have another child with him three or four years ago.

What happened in that short period of time?

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