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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Defensive DH. Why?

37 replies

bombardment · 26/02/2021 10:01

I need advice and help please. I’m having counselling to help me understand but I want to know if anyone else in 20 year plus marriages gets this. Is it a thing that happens when you’ve been together a long time? He’s incredibly defensive and contrary. For example, I can say a simple thing like “god that rain is heavy this morning” and he’ll say “no it was sunrise not this morning” I’ll then say “sunrise is morning” and so on. Whatever I say his automatic reaction is a no and contradicts what I’ve said. He’s also defensive. If I walk into a room and make a comment about something, anything like “we need to remember milk” his face contorts, his shoulders go up and he becomes grim faced man. He’ll be chatting with one of the kids happy happy lovely interactions but if I try and join in or say “what are you guys talking about” it’s boom. Shut down. The only exception is the few days leading up to when he wants sex. He then becomes sweet and loving and can’t do enough for me. Spends time with me etc. Once we’ve DTD he’s then back to being offish. There is no point me asking him or raising it because anything he sees as “me having a problem” results in a cold shoulder and dismissal and a days worth of attitude and silent treatment.
I’m just getting sick of the kids hearing the way he talks to me. I’m not a hard nosed person and it gets to me. Help!

OP posts:
DoubleHelix79 · 26/02/2021 10:09

He doesn't sound like he likes you very much - is he like this with other people or just with you? In any case his refusal to acknowledge your feelings about the way he communicates is problematic.

And no, I don't think it's normal behaviour in a long relationship. DH and I can both be a little pedantic on occasion, but not in a negative or confrontational way, and we do generally acknowledge our over-pedanticness when it happens.

Original poster
bombardment · 26/02/2021 10:18

He’s not at all like this with other people. He’s generous and helpful and lovely lovely to every single stranger and damsel in distress. Super man.

OP posts:
Original poster
bombardment · 26/02/2021 10:18

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
slidingdrawers · 26/02/2021 10:24

His behaviour sounds controlling and intentional OP, especially when he so obviously changes his patterns when he wants sex. Is this a recent change?

Mabelface · 26/02/2021 10:24

What would you like to do? In an ideal world?

johnd2 · 26/02/2021 10:29

Sounds like there is some pattern there which needs to be broken. Sounds like an emotional reaction that he doesn't appear to be able to express.
I think counselling would be an excellent solution to get to the bottom of the communication issues and try to understand each other better.
It doesn't sound abusive but of course if it is, joint counselling is a bad idea.
You may be able to get free counselling for a limited time through one of your work, ask about the employee assistance program or eap. Good luck!

starbrightstarlight8888 · 26/02/2021 10:30

Sounds like he's got the ick.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 26/02/2021 10:30

Sounds exactly like a long lived relationship that has run its course.

I got to this stage with ex after 20+years. Their mere presence irritated me to the point that I had absolutely no patience with them. They were exactly the same with me. Both of us had next to no tolerance for each other, so everything became hostile and confrontational, even simple conversation.

It took me years to realise that this was just a symptom of an utterly dead relationship, but once the penny dropped that it was time to call it a day, we split, and I immediately felt a massive weight lift from my shoulders. My relationship with my current partner is totally different.

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2021 10:33

He doesn’t sound as though he even likes you
Don’t put up with it

Keratinsmooth · 26/02/2021 10:57

I would suggest couples counselling and challenge this. Keep a diary ahead of the session, he needs to hear from other people that this is very wrong and if he doesn’t like you then you need to break up. Hearing this could snap him out of it, if it doesn’t then follow through with breaking. Life is too short

CassiaLime · 26/02/2021 11:49

Why the bloody hell are you in counselling?

Honestly, tell this fucking rude oaf to piss off. No debates, no discussions - tell him you've had enough of living with a man who belittles you and you're done.

YoniAndGuy · 26/02/2021 12:02

What do you want to do?

I can't think why you're actually facilitating the pattern though - I mean, if this were me and the 'wants sex' phase started, I'd be giving him a faux-confused expression at the first 'loving' comment - 'Sorry I'm confused - I just spoke to you there and you didn't sneer at me or belittle me or shut down or look at me like I'm a piece of shit -is there something wrong? - Oh! Of course! You want sex in the next few days I suppose? Yes of course, the dates fit don't they?' and then look at him expectantly, waiting for your answer.

And needless to say, I wouldn't be having sex with him at all. Ever. How can you?!

And at the snide comments - 'Stop talking to me like I am trash in front of our children. The least you can do is hide what a truly horrible person you are from your children, or do you want them to end up hating you too?'

Oh, and file for divorce :)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2021 12:07

I doubt whether such a man would actually go to any counselling sessions because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. He does this because he can, this works for him and he feels entitled to treat his wife like this. Abuse as well is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. He knows exactly what he is doing here and I note that he only becomes nicer in the days leading up to when he wants sex.

These types often come across as being quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They have and certainly will further pick up on their dad's antipathy towards you. Do not further teach them such damaging lessons about relationships. I would think long and hard about whether you want to remain with him at all going forward. These men do not change and this is who he is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2021 12:11

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

On a wider level are you yourself finding counselling helpful?. At least you are able to talk freely and in a calm safe environment, something that your H denies you.

JustAnotherOldMan · 26/02/2021 12:12

Sorry, but it sounds like he’s gone off you and you don’t really like him much either, people change over time, sounds like his feelings towards you have changed, and you resent him as well

nervousnelly8 · 26/02/2021 12:18

Was he like this before lockdown? Is it possible that you've just spent too much time together with nothing to do and no-one else to see? If it were me, I would try to address it rather than immediately calling it quits, but it depends if you have the patience to call out every time he speaks to you like that.

DavidsSchitt · 26/02/2021 12:21

I don't understand why you're having counselling about this but yes, he's got the ick. Might be time to move on

Realitea · 26/02/2021 12:21

He needs to go to counselling with you
The underlying reason for this behaviour needs to come out
If he’s not willing to say what it is then you need a proper talk about where to go from here as it’s not fair on you to be treated like that.
Being with someone should make you feel supported and happy

Dress3 · 26/02/2021 12:22

Might he have the temporary ick because he's infatuated with someone else at the moment?

HollowTalk · 26/02/2021 12:23

@starbrightstarlight8888

Sounds like he's got the ick.
That's cruel. If so, in any case, why would he be nice to her when he wants sex?
MarieFromStTropez · 26/02/2021 12:24

Why the bloody hell are you in counselling? Honestly, tell this fucking rude oaf to piss off.

Exactly this.

HollowTalk · 26/02/2021 12:26

Can you imagine a life apart from him? Could you manage, financially? He sounds really awful - you are seeing the true side of him.

DavidsSchitt · 26/02/2021 12:36

"That's cruel. If so, in any case, why would he be nice to her when he wants sex?"

Because he's a man. Wired up different

Wanderlusto · 26/02/2021 12:48

@CassiaLime

Why the bloody hell are you in counselling?

Honestly, tell this fucking rude oaf to piss off. No debates, no discussions - tell him you've had enough of living with a man who belittles you and you're done.

Exactly.

He doesnt respect you. No amount of counciling for you or for him will fix this.

Dont let your kids grow up in a household where they see their mother being treated like this and tolerating it as if it's ok. They'll grow up thinking it is ok for women to be treated this way.

Walk away.
You will never make eachother happy.

Kollin · 26/02/2021 12:49

I can be like your Dh.
Because he talks to me like I'm shit on his shoe, all the time. His tone is aggressive and condescending, even when he's remarking on something completely inane or even making polite conversation.
The second he opens his mouth I instantly move to "oh, here we go" mode.
I let most of it wash over me and don't rise in the same way that your dh seems to though, because I'm about 20 years into it, but when someone's every move or word is designed to be belittling or attacking it's kind of inevitable that him just opening his mouth puts me in triggered mode.
Disclaimer: I don't butter him up for sex or if I want something as I've become independent of it and require nothing from him now.

I'd be quite interested to hear his side of the story as to how you speak to him, if I'm honest.