Defensive DH. Why?

[bombardment]

I need advice and help please. I’m having counselling to help me understand but I want to know if anyone else in 20 year plus marriages gets this. Is it a thing that happens when you’ve been together a long time? He’s incredibly defensive and contrary. For example, I can say a simple thing like “god that rain is heavy this morning” and he’ll say “no it was sunrise not this morning” I’ll then say “sunrise is morning” and so on. Whatever I say his automatic reaction is a no and contradicts what I’ve said. He’s also defensive. If I walk into a room and make a comment about something, anything like “we need to remember milk” his face contorts, his shoulders go up and he becomes grim faced man. He’ll be chatting with one of the kids happy happy lovely interactions but if I try and join in or say “what are you guys talking about” it’s boom. Shut down. The only exception is the few days leading up to when he wants sex. He then becomes sweet and loving and can’t do enough for me. Spends time with me etc. Once we’ve DTD he’s then back to being offish. There is no point me asking him or raising it because anything he sees as “me having a problem” results in a cold shoulder and dismissal and a days worth of attitude and silent treatment.
I’m just getting sick of the kids hearing the way he talks to me. I’m not a hard nosed person and it gets to me. Help!

I think affair. Just because my ex was so lovely and sweet to everyone else while screaming and hitting me at home. It got worse when he wasn't getting exactly what he wanted from whoever he was seeing. He didn't want sex with me though, he could barely be in the same house as me without coming in to pick a fight.

Please don't go to joint councelling with him. It's not advised with emotional abusive men.
Keep it up for yourself and it may help you realise that you don't actually want to be with him and you can plan your future

This is a real shame reading this !
I don’t think your doing anything wrong at all it seems your hubbi is making u think you are !
I’ve been married 25 years this year and if my hubbi did this to me he would get a ear bashing or I’d Chuck him out , there’s no respect and you should have respect for each other big hugs 🤗 xxx

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I doubt whether such a man would actually go to any counselling sessions because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. He does this because he can, this works for him and he feels entitled to treat his wife like this. Abuse as well is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. He knows exactly what he is doing here and I note that he only becomes nicer in the days leading up to when he wants sex.

These types often come across as being quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They have and certainly will further pick up on their dad's antipathy towards you. Do not further teach them such damaging lessons about relationships. I would think long and hard about whether you want to remain with him at all going forward. These men do not change and this is who he is.

This.

He treats you like shit because you allow him to.

I am married a long time.
I wouldn't be sharing a bed not to mind having sex with someone who treated me like that.

Why do you allow him to speak to you like you are shit on his shoe.

Next time he speaks younyou rudely tell him clearly, "don't speak to me like that".

Can you move to another bedroom?

Do not have sex with him.

Do nothing for him AT ALL.

Show your children you have some self respect.

He may be a nasty prick, but that does not mean you have to put up with it.

It sounds like he really dislikes you.
He certainly doesn't love you.

Do you work?
Can you separate?
What are your finances like?

Start detaching from him emotionally and start looking into can ye separate and how that would work.

Stop making polite conversation with him.

Pull completely back.

By allowing him to treat youike shit and you continue to seek him out you are making a fool of yourself in front of him and your children.

He's a nasty bullying prick.

Pull back and take some control back.

Do not accept this behaviour and for christ sake stop having sex with such a snake.

Keep posting.

This is extremely unhealthy. It seems like he's holding onto years of resentment there, mostly unresolved. Given that he's fine with everyone else, I would seriously question his love & commitment. I don't think he's being honest with you about how he feels about this relationship or about you. Maybe he's not being honest with himself.

I don’t think it’s the ick as generally you don’t want to have sex if you have that.
It sounds like he has no respect for you though, or finds you irritating. What do you thin, would happen if you gave him an ultimatum ie “look, I’m sick and tired of the disrespectful way you speak to me in front of the dc’s - it stops now or I’m going to look into divorce”?

** or I agree with others he’s either having an affair or looking to have one - men often act like this when they’re trying to emotionally distance themselves.

That's cruel. If so, in any case, why would he be nice to her when he wants sex?

Me and my Ex were still having occasional sex despite struggling to be civil to each other outside of absolutely mundane things. Sex does not necessitate or mandate your relationship to be healthy and functional. It certainly doesn't require warmth of feeling or love.

This is what my children are like, they dislike each other, so they constantly have that attitude of whatever the other says is irritating and wrong. You don't do that to someone you respect. I know it's hard to hear but my first thought is he doesn't like you and is irritated, you could try talking to him, and I really don't want to be a "LTB" poster, but I can't imagine this happening in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship, it sounds over?

What happens if you call him out on it.

'Oh you're being nice to me now, I guess you must want sex then'

Seriously though, he sounds vile, why would you want to be with someone like this, it sounds like he doesn't like you much

I remember living at home and my dad being like this to my mum. Broke my heart to watch.

He sounds like an emotionally abusive arse. He may have/want an affair but it is not relevant - he can't treat his wife like this and particularly not in front of your children - detach from this horrible cunt of a man and lead your own life separately until you can take him to the cleaners.