Men are hard to read.

[user1478811493]

Hey.
I hope youre all well. Im just seeking a bit of friendly advice really revolving around a male of course.

So, 2 years ago - i went through a very painful breakup, after being with a narcissist for 4 years.
Ive spent the last 2 years taking the time for myself, living on my own. Ive done very well, and feel at total peace with myself.
I had a few males interested but was quick to turn them away.

Anyway, a guy from one of my social circles started messaging me. - arranging a walk as thats all you can do these days. He is a little older than me (9 years) and very old school. Hes single, but went through a painful seperation a few years ago and from what i know, he hasnt been with anyone since. He did mention (as did I) that he does miss company.

Anyway, we agreed to be "lockdown buddies" as I live on my own and didnt have a support bubble. So ive been going over his for films and drinks. There had been no flirting, but things happened naturally and we slept together. The move was made by both of us.
Before i left the next day, he made me promise that id see him again. So we made plans for the following weekened - and i ended up staying over there for 3 nights, with plans to meet the next weekend. Doing stuff, not just in the bedroom

Im starting to develop feelings for him, which is making me feel vulnerable as i do not know what this is for him.
His friends say he is shy, and guarded.
Part of it, may be that he is old school. So there isnt much texting like we are used to in this day and age! He does message every morning, and sometimes they can be "1 night to go until movie night"
When im over his, he looks at me with a smile and comments on how relaxed i seem.
He also hugged me one night, and said he was content and smiling.

We do a lot of walking so it isnt all sex, but there is no closeness when we go out. That may be my fault too as i havent inititated anything. (Hugs, holding hands etc)

The sex - is out of this world. I have a connection with him that i have never had before. Im also realllllly comfortable around him.

But he doesnt talk about it. The only thing he has said is "Its nice having a cuddle buddy, someone to watch films with and get to know. And someone who smiles"

What would you do? Go with it? Back off a bit?
I dont want to weaken the good space that i got myself in.
I wont ask him how he feels, as i dont want there to be any pressure if he is shy. But I dont know what signs to look for! Is he just after any company or is he into me specifically.
Does anyone have experience of seeing old school gentlemen?

Thank you and happy Friday.

It seems he is cautious about letting you believe this could lead to something serious... Seems he just wants a friend with benefits. I would just ask him where he sees this relantionship going or is it just something casual. At least then you know where u stand.

I agree with Sunshine. I would also be a bit careful with your feelings. The way things are at the moment (limited social interaction, a lot of stressful news stories, no usual outlet for stuff to do) could be designed to make you fall a lot harder and a lot faster for someone than you would normally. Especially as he is your bubble now, so probably the only person you are having physical contact with (whereas normally you might be hugging friends, shaking hands with people at work etc etc). Even more especially as the sex is great! So I would be very wary of the intensity of your own feelings - they may not be "real" if that makes sense. I would also be slightly sceptical of anything he says since he is likely in a similar position. That said he sounds like a nice person and like you have a good situation generally.

Yes, try to have a chat with him and discuss what you both want. If you want more than FWB you need to be clear about that (with yourself and him) otherwise it might inadvertently slip into that and you will get hurt.

I’m an older man 50 + (not sure if that makes me old school but you don’t mention how old he is)

So I think men are easy to read,

He keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself and is just looking for a nice time for now with some company, just go with it, have a good time, if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have asked you out, so yes he probably does like you specifically.
Just go with it and see what happens
Personally I think women are impossible to read as you interpret the same thing in so many different ways,
With men it’s pretty much what you see is what you get

The only thing he has said is "Its nice having a cuddle buddy, someone to watch films with and get to know. And someone who smiles"

I don't think this is hard to read at all, I think it's pretty clear he sees you as a lockdown friend with benefits. For further evidence, he is not too shy to have approached you in the the first place, to have slept with you the first time you came over, but he's not physically affectionate in public, and doesn't do anything that suggests he sees you as a girlfriend or potential partner, while his meagre messages are often a countdown to how many days before you can have sex again. This doesn't sound like a shy person.

I think him being 'old school' and a 'gentleman' (whatever you mean by this -- is it a reference to age, or to not messaging much?) is a complete red herring here.

If you are developing feelings for him, I would back right off.

cuddle buddy this is easy to read. You are some one to cuddle.
I don't know what you mean by 'old school'?
If a guy wants more and a relationship they will tell you.

You've got yourself a friend with benefits. Is that what you want? If not, change it.

He's happy with it!

Thanks for the input... it seems I do need to possibly back away from this one.

A few details were unclear - we didnt sleep together on the first night i went over. And we dont have sex every time im there.
He may be sending me mixed signals... foe example, i catch him staring at me all of the time. When i look back at him, he has puppy dog eyes and a smile on his face.
But then he called me a cuddle buddy on another day.

By old school, i mean things like - he preferes to call than text. (He calls twice a day) etc etc.

I guess, because im developing feelings - it may be safer for me to back off. At least i know i can start getting into someone again (i was worrying id never be interested in anyone ever again!)

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday.

Well, that's good that it feels like a step forward for you. But yes, if being a FWB during lockdown is not what you want out of the situation, make that plain.

If you start sleeping with a man before you discuss what you are, then it's confusing.
The term cuddle buddy, I would assume he doesn't want anything serious but discuss what he's looking for/what your wanting.

I don’t know, he also said “someone to get to know”, which doesn’t automatically scream FWB, but possible just living in the now and seeing how things go. It’s not usual to call a FWB twice a day.

I would guard my feelings but wouldn’t back off without explanation or you could ruin a good thing. The only way is to speak, not pressure for more but sense check that this is a relationship not a FWB situation.

There is no issue having that adult conversation and more to be won than lost.

See this is why I think FWB is an overrated concept, but then I'm 'old school'.

I read this differently to PP. He sounds shy & cautious, you get on well and seem to be developing a connection.

By all means back away if you need to but be honest about your reasons for doing so. He deserves that surely?

Or you could have the honest discussion before you back away, you might be pleasantly surprised!

I suppose i should also add. After the first time we slept together... i got a little freaked out (hence me made me promise to come back)
I made the passing comment that i dont do relationships. (I think) But this was before my feelings started to surface.
Guess I need to have the talk with him.

I don't agree. I feel some people struggle to talk about feelings due to prior rejections....

Rejection from a parent
Rejection in previous relationships

My DP struggled to express how he felt. His mother left his father and left him as well for a younger man at a young age and it hit him badly.
His ex wife left him for another woman.
Hia ex girlfriend gradually pushed him away
Three major rejections hit him badly. That can make a person very cautious about showing feelings

@tobedtoMNandfart

See this is why I think FWB is an overrated concept, but then I'm 'old school'.

I read this differently to PP. He sounds shy & cautious, you get on well and seem to be developing a connection.

By all means back away if you need to but be honest about your reasons for doing so. He deserves that surely?

Or you could have the honest discussion before you back away, you might be pleasantly surprised!

I agree with you

@Anna12345678910

I don't agree. I feel some people struggle to talk about feelings due to prior rejections....

Rejection from a parent
Rejection in previous relationships

My DP struggled to express how he felt. His mother left his father and left him as well for a younger man at a young age and it hit him badly.
His ex wife left him for another woman.
Hia ex girlfriend gradually pushed him away
Three major rejections hit him badly. That can make a person very cautious about showing feelings

I just think that in general those kind of people, wounded from rejections, are also quite cautious about making a pass at someone because of the fear of sexual rejection -- and this doesn't sound like the man the OP is seeing, who had no issue with singling her out from their mutual social groups to ask to go for walks with, and then to come over for films and drinks as his 'lockdown buddy'.

You definately need the chat otherwise you might end up hurt, FWB benefits a lot of men it seems, lots of sex and company but no commitment. Its easy to fall into I've done it myself, never again though!

I would be wary about 'old school' too. Is he a gentleman if he's prepared to shag you but not be in a relationship? That doesn't sound very traditional to me, it also means he can get away with not bothering much with messaging. Unless hes in his 70s or something most guys are fairly savvy technology wise.

I suppose your message have been mixed, op. If a man said to me 'I dont do relationships' that would be very clear that he didnt want anything serious. It's likely he does not want to upset te current arrangement by suggesting more from you.

Do initiate a talk. Best know now where he is at before you risk getting very hurt.

@user1478811493

I suppose i should also add. After the first time we slept together... i got a little freaked out (hence me made me promise to come back) I made the passing comment that i dont do relationships. (I think) But this was before my feelings started to surface. Guess I need to have the talk with him.

Well, you told him that you don't do relationships. And now you're agonising about where you stand and clearly do want a relationship. You're the confusing one, not him. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

@Goatbriar

The only thing he has said is "Its nice having a cuddle buddy, someone to watch films with and get to know. And someone who smiles"

I don't think this is hard to read at all, I think it's pretty clear he sees you as a lockdown friend with benefits. For further evidence, he is not too shy to have approached you in the the first place, to have slept with you the first time you came over, but he's not physically affectionate in public, and doesn't do anything that suggests he sees you as a girlfriend or potential partner, while his meagre messages are often a countdown to how many days before you can have sex again. This doesn't sound like a shy person.

I think him being 'old school' and a 'gentleman' (whatever you mean by this -- is it a reference to age, or to not messaging much?) is a complete red herring here.

If you are developing feelings for him, I would back right off.

All this.

He likes you a lot and doesn't want to frighten you off, would be my take on it.

You've definitely given him mixed messages.

@Anna12345678910 thanks, that's good to know!

... I thought your username was Anal 2345.... & I thought "well, that's not very old school!" 🤣

I mean, I don't think this man has done anything wrong, and may well imagine from the OP saying she doesn't 'do relationships' that she's on the same page as him and his happy to be in a 'lockdown FWB' situation, but if she's starting to have feelings for him, and is doing the classic 'looking for deeper meanings in his 'puppy-dog' looks at her, and references to her looking 'relaxed', occasional hugs and references to his own 'contentment', then I think she needs to clarify the situation or remove herself from it.

Personally, if I was having sex with someone who referred to me as a 'cuddle buddy', my vagina would seal itself shut and emigrate, but I appreciate that's not what the OP asked.

“Cuddle buddy”??? He certainly doesn’t seem shy. He knows exactly what he is doing. The only indication of his romantic interest in looking at you and smiling? Come now.

When you say he went through a separation, you mean he’s not divorced yet?

I think you are over thinking this. How long have you known him? and in what capacity? and how long have you been "cuddle buddies"

Cuddle buddies could equal lockdown FWB or it could have simply been his tentative way of saying how nice it is being with you through expressing how nice it is to have someone to cuddle and spend time with.

Men are not difficult to read. You have already muddled it all up by having said something about "not doing relationships"

Is it best to back off? maybe the advice is always the same......make yourself busy sometimes, don't just sit there waiting for him to call. That would be the same advice whether he wanted to waltz you up the aisle next week or wasn't entirely committed yet.

Personally I would never instigate "the chat" But I am too proud. I would and have always made myself clear and set my boundaries in a non directed but very direct way. So I would wait an opportunity to say something like "I don't want a FWB and would only spend time with someone I might consider having a relationship with" rather than "are with FWB" because one is a positive statement about you and your expectations, the latter is a negative statement where you are asking "are we something I don't want" which makes the negative assumption you are already being downgraded. So my advice is always be direct but not so direct that it seems that your expectations are necessarily contingent upon what he wants. The attitude should always be that you have expectations, he might not meet with those expectations, not because he doesn't want to but because he might not be the best person for you. That makes clear he has to put himself out to convince you. Its the same way in which you can get kids to behave as you wish without ever raising your voice and without any conflict whatsoever !

Hope it works out for you OP