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Original poster

Men are hard to read.

50 replies

user1478811493 · 26/02/2021 09:21

Hey.
I hope youre all well. Im just seeking a bit of friendly advice really revolving around a male of course.

So, 2 years ago - i went through a very painful breakup, after being with a narcissist for 4 years.
Ive spent the last 2 years taking the time for myself, living on my own. Ive done very well, and feel at total peace with myself.
I had a few males interested but was quick to turn them away.

Anyway, a guy from one of my social circles started messaging me. - arranging a walk as thats all you can do these days. He is a little older than me (9 years) and very old school. Hes single, but went through a painful seperation a few years ago and from what i know, he hasnt been with anyone since. He did mention (as did I) that he does miss company.

Anyway, we agreed to be "lockdown buddies" as I live on my own and didnt have a support bubble. So ive been going over his for films and drinks. There had been no flirting, but things happened naturally and we slept together. The move was made by both of us.
Before i left the next day, he made me promise that id see him again. So we made plans for the following weekened - and i ended up staying over there for 3 nights, with plans to meet the next weekend. Doing stuff, not just in the bedroom

Im starting to develop feelings for him, which is making me feel vulnerable as i do not know what this is for him.
His friends say he is shy, and guarded.
Part of it, may be that he is old school. So there isnt much texting like we are used to in this day and age! He does message every morning, and sometimes they can be "1 night to go until movie night"
When im over his, he looks at me with a smile and comments on how relaxed i seem.
He also hugged me one night, and said he was content and smiling.

We do a lot of walking so it isnt all sex, but there is no closeness when we go out. That may be my fault too as i havent inititated anything. (Hugs, holding hands etc)

The sex - is out of this world. I have a connection with him that i have never had before. Im also realllllly comfortable around him.

But he doesnt talk about it. The only thing he has said is "Its nice having a cuddle buddy, someone to watch films with and get to know. And someone who smiles"

What would you do? Go with it? Back off a bit?
I dont want to weaken the good space that i got myself in.
I wont ask him how he feels, as i dont want there to be any pressure if he is shy. But I dont know what signs to look for! Is he just after any company or is he into me specifically.
Does anyone have experience of seeing old school gentlemen?

Thank you and happy Friday.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/02/2021 12:36

I wouldn't back off, I'd have the conversation about life outside returning and what it means for you both. What have you got to lose really if you're thinking about backing off anyway?

lovemelongtime · 26/02/2021 12:47

Why back off? You like each other, have good sex and who knows where it might lead. I think women tend to over analyse and men just take it as it comes. Give it a chance, it's hard to find happiness.

wantmorenow · 26/02/2021 12:54

He sounds lovely. You're overthinking. You told him to keep his distance but he likes you. You're the one hard to read here.

Timeonmyhandsfornow · 26/02/2021 13:00

I'm a man in my mid fifties and can relate to 'old school ' as a descriptor. I view texting, WhatsApp etc as organisational tools - see you in the pub at nine, we tee off at 11, table booked for etc etc, and think of it as a naff tool for anything more meaningful. I'd far sooner pick up the phone!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/02/2021 13:03

You told him you don't do relationships and have been sleeping with him so he either doesn't want a relationship either but wants FWB (which won't now work for you as you have stronger feelings than that) or he also wants more than FWB but hasn't broached it with you because you said you don't do relationships.

So you need to instigate a chat and see if you want the same thing. You don't need to jump into a relationship, so you don't need to frame it as FWB vs an immediate serious relationship. But FWB is very different to dating and being open to a relationship with each other. Hopefully you'll be on the same page Smile

RantyAnty · 26/02/2021 13:10

If you told him you don't do relationships and agreed to be lockdown buddies, you kinda shot yourself in the foot there.

How long have you been seeing him?

SeraphinaDombegh · 26/02/2021 14:00

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You told him you don't do relationships and have been sleeping with him so he either doesn't want a relationship either but wants FWB (which won't now work for you as you have stronger feelings than that) or he also wants more than FWB but hasn't broached it with you because you said you don't do relationships.

So you need to instigate a chat and see if you want the same thing. You don't need to jump into a relationship, so you don't need to frame it as FWB vs an immediate serious relationship. But FWB is very different to dating and being open to a relationship with each other. Hopefully you'll be on the same page Smile

This. If you'd otherwise be backing away anyway, you've nothing to lose by having the conversation, but potentially something to gain if you're both in agreement.
Silenceisgolden20 · 26/02/2021 16:24

The only way you will know is to ask him. Talk to him about it.
If that talk is too much pressure for him then you have your answer.
Men are not hard to read. They are pretty basic really in what they want.

He wants you as a cuddle buddy, as he has told you that.
If you want more commitment, ask him. Stand up for what you want
If that scares him, he's not for you.

ChristmasFluff · 26/02/2021 20:08

He sounds perfectly normal for the early stages of getting to know someone.

But it's fine to say you are not comfortable continuing if he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere - that fuckbuddy isn't what you are looking for.

Tbh, I'd be more worried about someone declaring undying love and commitment after the amount of time you have spent together unless you've missed out lots.

PaterPower · 27/02/2021 05:59

How many FWBs ring twice a day? Sounds a bit high touch for just that sort of relationship. And they’re not sleeping together every time they meet up.

OP - I think you need to express yourself a bit here. If the two options you’ll allow yourself are to not say anything (and just back away) or to say something (and then back away if it’s not the answer you want)... then surely the more sensible route is the second?!

You’re not risking anything by talking to him, if you’ve already decided that FWB isn’t for you, whereas you’re risking the potential for a relationship by keeping quiet and fading out.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/02/2021 06:26

You are over-analysing.

It's a friend with benefits situation. Nothing wrong with that, if you don't mind it. If you want more, either ask him outright (you've had sex with him so you're not strangers are you, just be upfront), or give a little while longer to see how it goes. Keep your options open.

You like him and have slept with him. Backing off now will achieve what, exactly?

DP & me were friends with benefits, almost 7 years later we're still together and happy. Neither of us wanted anything serious but we grew on each other after a few months, I suppose. Every relationship is different, doesn't have to start off 'textbook style'.

borntobequiet · 27/02/2021 06:33

It sounds like a perfectly nice and mutually satisfying relationship. It’s not clear what more you want or why.

Wherearemymarbles · 27/02/2021 13:37

You are over analysing!

I’m a 50 something male and view whats app etc in exactly the same way as timeon does - purely organisational or for a one liner. If I want a conversation I use the phone. I never have had and never will have a text conversation!!

Just talk to him over time. Saying something like come 21 june it would be great to go and do things and get away for a few days.

Tropicalparadise75 · 27/02/2021 16:19

I think an honest conversation is needed where you outline that you are looking for a relationship and not fwb and see what his thoughts are.

kunterbunting · 27/02/2021 16:22

@JustAnotherOldMan

I’m an older man 50 + (not sure if that makes me old school but you don’t mention how old he is)

So I think men are easy to read,

He keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself and is just looking for a nice time for now with some company, just go with it, have a good time, if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have asked you out, so yes he probably does like you specifically.
Just go with it and see what happens
Personally I think women are impossible to read as you interpret the same thing in so many different ways,
With men it’s pretty much what you see is what you get

I like this advice (also like 'old school' men!)
Palavah · 27/02/2021 16:24

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You told him you don't do relationships and have been sleeping with him so he either doesn't want a relationship either but wants FWB (which won't now work for you as you have stronger feelings than that) or he also wants more than FWB but hasn't broached it with you because you said you don't do relationships.

So you need to instigate a chat and see if you want the same thing. You don't need to jump into a relationship, so you don't need to frame it as FWB vs an immediate serious relationship. But FWB is very different to dating and being open to a relationship with each other. Hopefully you'll be on the same page Smile

This.

The 'old school gentleman' stuff is a red herring.

AgeLikeWine · 27/02/2021 16:30

He sounds like a nice chap, and you sound lovely, OP.

You are almost certainly over-thinking this. With most men it’s a case of ‘it does what it says on the tin’. Just go with the flow, enjoy the relationship and see where it goes.

Good luck! Smile

Lurcherloves · 27/02/2021 21:14

I think he’s just enjoying it and seeing how things go? Don’t expect too much and create and issue when it isn’t necessary
What do you want? What is your position, do you have children or want them, what age etc? If just having a nice time isn’t going to waste your time or chances of having a family etc then I would just enjoy it for what it is

DianaT1969 · 27/02/2021 21:46

Does this have to go somewhere? Why can't it stay the same for a couple of years? You weren't actively looking for someone to settle down with and have DC.
He sounds lovely. It seems like a very good friendship/relationship. No need to be guarded and 'protect your heart'. Enjoy it. No conversations required.

Original poster
user1478811493 · 01/03/2021 20:02

Thanks for the comments!
I have been overthinking, but only because i dont want to undo the healing ive had over the last couple of years.

I spent the full weekend with him, and didnt bring anything up. His cuddles feel more intense and it wasnt all sex, so im going to go with a hunch that the feelings are recipricated. We had a really nice time on walks actually.
He isnt too touchy feely, but i think that may be because im the first person hes been with in 3 years.
We have even spoken about doing stuff when work returns to normal. Thats a good sign right!?
No feelings have been discussed at all, but i enjoy being with him so i wont back off. I'll just go with it.

Anyone else have similar stories? How did it work out for you? And does anyone have advice for people who are "guarded" ?

Thank you ❤

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 01/03/2021 20:50

That’s great OP. I would personally communicate, but it depends. How long have you been seeing each other? If it’s only a few weeks better wait and see, otherwise you might later on be heartbroken as he could be talking to other women too.

How old are you both?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 20:59

If it's going well and you had a good weekend, I'm not sure what advice you're looking for?

LalalalalalaLand123 · 01/03/2021 21:20

If you want to know, ask him. We can only guess... but from what youve described it seems very casual for him. But like i said, you really need to ask him. Good luck OP

RosieGuacamosie · 01/03/2021 22:46

How old are you both and how many times have you seen him?

IME men tend to make it pretty obvious if they like you and see it going somewhere. The cuddle bunny thing would raise orange flags for me but also could be innocent.

gannett · 02/03/2021 07:36

@user1478811493

I suppose i should also add. After the first time we slept together... i got a little freaked out (hence me made me promise to come back) I made the passing comment that i dont do relationships. (I think) But this was before my feelings started to surface. Guess I need to have the talk with him.
You think it was just a passing comment but he doesn't know that!

He heard the words "I don't do relationships" from your mouth and is taking them as gospel.

To me, it sounds like the "cuddle buddy" stuff was him awkwardly letting you know that he was being respectful of your clearly stated desire not to do relationships. You essentially told him you wanted to be FWB and he's saying he's fine with that.

To me the puppy dog eyes and calling twice a day indicate he's falling for you. You don't do that to FWBs. But he's not going to make any moves because it sounds like he's being very mindful of the boundaries you yourself laid down.

So if you feel you want more, I think it's quite promising - but you need to own your words and tell him "that thing I said... I've changed my mind".

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