His city: Winchester, or mine: Portsmouth

[mumjustmum]

Five years ago, I met my husband, and less than a year later I moved in with him into his city. I commuted 45 mins (car) to work in my city, and he continued his 3/5 45 minute commute (train) to work, and then the hour Into London (train) 2/5. I moved to him as his rental was much nicer than mine, and we both then had equal Commute. Before this my 'commute' was less than three minutes.

We tried for a baby and struggled for over a year, eventually gave birth in December 2018, then twins in December 2019.
In this time, before first child born, my husband had bought a house in 'his city' for us all to live in, entirely in his name. He earns upwards of 150k a year, I earn less than 12k as a 24hr a week care assistant in his city.

In his city, there's nothing for us. It's a very very small city (think Salisbury/Bath/Winchester/Edinburgh). There's only one rubbish swimming pool, one rubbish softplay. Three parks, but overall, no good for kids. Lovely bars and restaurants though.

My city, (think Bournemouth/Portsmouth/Brighton) there's shops, splashparks, beaches, commons, tons and tons of restaurants and bars.

We are now at a point of selling his house and buying bigger. The argument is where. After all
Debts (car and credit card in his name, but for us both) he actually has less of a deposit than I do as through inheritance, I've been very very fortunate.

We get NO help with childcare. His parents live 20mins from us now, but don't help because they can't. They'd love to, but can't. Completely respect that.
My sister in 'my city' does actively help, and my friends would too. I don't have parents.

His arguments:
His city is naice - yes, agreed
Schools in his city are naicer - yes, I probably get where he's coming from
He wants to only have a short commute so he can see kids more. 7am until 8am, and then 6:30pm until 7pm bedtime, so 1.5hrs.

My arguments:
My city is more fun for kids
My city is a LOT less expensive meaning we could have a pretty amazing house for the same price as his city
My city is near my friends and sister so I'm not so lonely.
Most people earning his salary have to suck
Up a huge commute!

What would you and your partner do? I've been very honest with him in that I don't think our marriage will survive me having to live here, and I will move back 'home' to my city, therefore he won't see the boys as much as he does now. I've also asked him to talk to his married (over ten years with kids) brother and best mate and ask for their advice, he still hasn't

If you’ve told him you won’t stay married unless you get your own way then I hope you’re ready to act on that ultimatum

Are you that incredibly selfish that you would want your husband to commute further and essentially not see his own children in the week so that you can move back to where you want? I can imagine you would be posting on here after the move that your husband isn't pulling his weight and you have to do everything with NO help...

Yes @Shoxfordian I'm ready to act on my ultimatum. Wouldn't have said it otherwise.

@PolPotNoodle nope, definitely wouldn't be complaining due to lack of help, as during non lockdown, the 1.5hrs a day I get from my husband, I can live without 😂. I was also okay when he fucked off to work in Canada when our first was three months, and when he barely came home from work prioritising drinks in London. So no, I'm not selfish thanks.

In his city, there's nothing for us. It's a very very small city (think Salisbury/Bath/Winchester/Edinburgh). There's only one rubbish swimming pool, one rubbish softplay. Three parks, but overall, no good for kids. Lovely bars and restaurants though.

If it's a small city like that I bet there are better swimming pools at health clubs or hotels you can pay for (Edinburgh really doesn't fall into the same category as the others as they have loads of facilities).

I think it's fair he wants to spend time with his children. Just because others do a big commute doesn't mean that he should. How far away are your cities?

So you're quite resentful of his past behaviour and one of the big draws of moving to your city is having that social network you must have really needed and didn't have when he worked away.

Perhaps you should just cut out the arguing and move where you want without him, as you seem at about that point already?

@NerrSnerr no, honestly, no nice health clubs at all. I'd have to go to a neighbouring city for that. Ah, apologies about using Edinburgh as an example, I'm happy to accept I'm wrong on that front.
Cities are only 45 mins apart, but with children's naps and mealtimes, this makes seeing my friends and sister very hard.

@NerrSnerr I think it's fair he wants to spend time with his children too.... but the MAX is 1.5hrs a day, and during non lockdown be prioritised working late or drinks after work several times a week. He's a great dad, but not perfect.

Agreed @category12, but I suppose I was posting for an epiphany that means my marriage and children's parents relationship doesn't break down

Wow - feeling for those country bumpkins in Edinburgh, Bath and Winchester. Thinking Bournemouth is answer to my dreams (said no one). You want different things OP - make a compromise but remember that wherever you move you take your baggage with you

To be fair why shouldn't the OP feel somewhat resentful over past behaviour and after making major compromises, now base the decision on what works best for her and the children! If she is now contributing a major chunk of money, all the more reason to insist on something that works better for her and where she isn't so isolated and has some support, especially given that her DH did not prioritise his family over his own social time.

@Leafdelta well yes, my 'baggage' being my lovely three children and dog. More than happy to take them with me. What a strange post.

Tricky. We are kind of in a similar situation. His city is a lot more "fun" and without kids I would live there in a heartbeat, and we could have a much nicer house, but we both feel like my city is safer and the schools are demonstrably better and so we stay. We still have some fun times in "his" city when we can though!

@mumjustmum - the baggage isn't your children it's your marriage and relationship and you expectation that it will all change were you living in Bournemouth or Winchester or wherever

I'm so sorry, I just don't understand your post at all @Leafdelta

I had my family in a county town with no swimming pool or soft play. It was a lovely place to bring up children. There were lots of organised groups and activities and a real community feel. We could get the train or drive to a selection of nearby towns for swimming, soft play, cinema etc. Getting involved in children’s activities provided a network of friends in the town. The schools were great. My parents lived 45 minutes drive away and were available for babysitting if we wanted an evening out and for occasional childcare emergencies.

From your subsequent posts, I see that you have lots of issues in your marriage. But you haven’t persuaded me that your preferred city is a better place to have a family than the one where you currently live.

@mumjustmum you said in your original post that you do not think your marriage would survive if you had to continue living where you do - my question was do you think a change of scene will make marriage any stronger? Do you think that if it is "that" fragile to not survive a move/change of scene then there may be other problems? Hence saying you can change where you live but problems may still follow you

@Leafdelta ahh I see. Sorry, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box! Very very fair point.
We don't have the happiest marriage, it's HARD with three two and under, so so hard. But I'd like to think that me being able to have a social life in 'my city' will help me be happier and is both as a result of that.

He absolutely has a valid point re commuting time vs time with his children. If he doesn't do what you want him to do you are going to leave him. If he does, he will see his children less than he does now. Have you considered his feelings here at all? And what is your compromise?

My compromise @JackieeWeaver is living here and being hugely isolated!? Currently doing this. Will do tomorrow too. Oh and the next day, oh, and the one after that. 🙄

@mumjustmum - don't run yourself down! We are on the same page here

I have done that moving back to something that was "idealised" and quickly found out that the support promised was non-existent (or not as imagined) and the city/town looks different through the lens of parenthood.

I wanted a change because I wasn't happy with way that marriage/relationship was and pinned everything on that being geographical.

The problems I had in relationship/marriage had the sat-nav to my new address :)

@Leafdelta it frightens me that you're right. I'm very sad xx

I’m assuming you’re home everyday and not working. Could you not just drive to visit family and friends? We have small children. It’s 20 minutes just to get to any sort of town. My NCT friends when I had my first lived 45 minutes to an hour away. The beach is about 40 minutes. It didn’t stop me going places or meeting up with friends for coffee or lunches or walks. I was home all day with plenty of time to fill. I just packed up and went out for the day, saw people, came home by dinner. Obviously I know it’s not that easy in lockdown, but in normal times, a bit of a drive wouldn’t keep me trapped at home.

But how much longer would your dh’s commute be? I have quite a long commute normally (also into London). It’s hard. My dc aren’t awake yet when I leave and I get home as they are getting in the bath. I do that 3 days a week.I’d be pretty sad if Dh said he’d leave me unless we moved and I made my commute even longer.

@mindutopia I totally get what you're saying, as my distance to my hometown and friends is only 45mins, but I can't only do that once per week as this ruins three kids sleep routine. I am also very used to/spoiled living in a city so all my friends and activities are a five min drive away if that.

Your post about you getting home and being sad of your husband left you made me sad! Please please believe me though that my husband pre lockdown was not home when he said he would be. He was always having drinks with colleagues etc. I honestly don't resent that one bit, good for him, but I'm not willing to live where I don't want to so his commute after drinks is shorter.

You are making long term decisions here but based on rather short term needs. Your kids won’t have sleep patterns to organise for long. Before you know it your diary will be full of kids parties, school fairs, play dates and swimming lessons. You’ll meet lot of new people in the same position as you, many will be your friends for years to come.

So why not delay the move for a year or two and see how you feel then. Those early years are tough but it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.

In the meantime, use the money to buy yourself a little respite, a babysitter, the odd Airbnb in your hometown to try and get a bit happier.

I think you should go live where you want. I’d say that 90% of the people I know end up moving to where they have a support network especially with 3 kids. Being able to pop and see your sister for a quick cup of tea is not the same as driving 45 minutes. I’ll be honest I don’t think your marriage is going to survive regardless because you’re obviously married to a selfish twat. So go now while you can before you get trapped into a school system.