His city: Winchester, or mine: Portsmouth

[mumjustmum]

Five years ago, I met my husband, and less than a year later I moved in with him into his city. I commuted 45 mins (car) to work in my city, and he continued his 3/5 45 minute commute (train) to work, and then the hour Into London (train) 2/5. I moved to him as his rental was much nicer than mine, and we both then had equal Commute. Before this my 'commute' was less than three minutes.

We tried for a baby and struggled for over a year, eventually gave birth in December 2018, then twins in December 2019.
In this time, before first child born, my husband had bought a house in 'his city' for us all to live in, entirely in his name. He earns upwards of 150k a year, I earn less than 12k as a 24hr a week care assistant in his city.

In his city, there's nothing for us. It's a very very small city (think Salisbury/Bath/Winchester/Edinburgh). There's only one rubbish swimming pool, one rubbish softplay. Three parks, but overall, no good for kids. Lovely bars and restaurants though.

My city, (think Bournemouth/Portsmouth/Brighton) there's shops, splashparks, beaches, commons, tons and tons of restaurants and bars.

We are now at a point of selling his house and buying bigger. The argument is where. After all
Debts (car and credit card in his name, but for us both) he actually has less of a deposit than I do as through inheritance, I've been very very fortunate.

We get NO help with childcare. His parents live 20mins from us now, but don't help because they can't. They'd love to, but can't. Completely respect that.
My sister in 'my city' does actively help, and my friends would too. I don't have parents.

His arguments:
His city is naice - yes, agreed
Schools in his city are naicer - yes, I probably get where he's coming from
He wants to only have a short commute so he can see kids more. 7am until 8am, and then 6:30pm until 7pm bedtime, so 1.5hrs.

My arguments:
My city is more fun for kids
My city is a LOT less expensive meaning we could have a pretty amazing house for the same price as his city
My city is near my friends and sister so I'm not so lonely.
Most people earning his salary have to suck
Up a huge commute!

What would you and your partner do? I've been very honest with him in that I don't think our marriage will survive me having to live here, and I will move back 'home' to my city, therefore he won't see the boys as much as he does now. I've also asked him to talk to his married (over ten years with kids) brother and best mate and ask for their advice, he still hasn't

I’d stop worrying about his city or your city. You need a place with a short enough commute he can still have quality time with his children and good schools. Nothing else comes close in terms of priority. Surely there must be someplace that the two or you can find to live.

Saying you will take his kids away because he wants to live near his job and be able to see his children is just absolutely awful. It’s the kind of thing that I think courts should be able to stop from happening

He's off to work today, in his office job, despite being perfectly capable of working from home in his study.
Didn't even wait to wake the children up.

Soft play is rubbish in general, I find. Been in a similar situation with kids that young. Never a good time for any marriage, as life is so relentless.

Pp was right, your problems will just follow you. I'd count your blessings, for now, and be patient.

It will become much easier to travel and find things to do once they are school age, whichever city you're in.

I agree with @bombastical - go where your support is. He wants a shorter commute so that he can have more hypothetical time with the kids, time that he hasn't actually done anything with previously so sod him.

He also has no intention of being available to help with school drop off and pickups given his current commuting time, and family support is absolutely invaluable when it comes to helping out with those sort of things.

Schooling would probably be the deciding factor for me in your situation. As for the commute, is it going to be five days per week post pandemic (or is it now)?

@peak2021 after the pandemic, his commute will probably be four days a week.

Are you sure you want to put your inheritance into a shared investment with someone you sound pretty likely to divorce in the next few years? I can imagine it would be very hard to unentangle later.

Are these the only two towns in your part of the world? Nowhere in between?

Op I haven't got children to consider as such such as they're grown up.. But I have had to recently make a decison wether to compromise or seperate from my partner. I realise its a lot easier for me, but the decison was stay put with lots to do, or move with hardly anything to do therefore making our relationship harder and I felt boring. I've stayed put and will have to enjoy both aspects.. Him and where I'm happy /benefits me.
See what you're missing out on day to day and write a list of pros and cons, it does help.

I feel sad that you only met this man 5 years ago, already have 3 children with him, yet your marriage is failing and you are talking about splitting up because you can't make a 45 minute trip to see your mates and sister.
Whereas you think he should travel 3 hours a day for work.
I think this relationship is doomed. How can he forget that you said you were prepared to walk away. He now knows you have one foot out the door.
Sleep schedules?? They won't be this age forever. Even now, you could leave the DC with your husband every Saturday or Sunday and go out with your friends for the day.
If they aren't making a 45 min trip to you occasionally, then perhaps the friendships aren't as great as you think.
I travel to work for an 1 hour 15 mins by public transport (pre-Covid), but 45 mins to socialise is too much for you.

I get what you're saying.

Were you already married when he decided to buy the house where he wanted to in his name only?

He mentioned spending more time with the DC but it looks like he really hasn't done that if he leaves work and stays at the pub before coming home.

How long was he gone to Canada when your baby was only 3 months old?

Is he home on the weekends to spend time with the family?

There's a lot to untangle here - what's to do with where you live, and what's to do with how happy you are in your relationship.
The perspective I'm looking from is having had a fairly similar family set-up to you with a very small gap between first child and twins. The first couple of years of their lives were incredibly difficult and tiring and my relationship with DH (which is generally absolutely rock-solid and had been for over a decade before we had the kids) was as strained as it has ever been. Cut yourself (and him) a bit of slack on that score and know it'll get easier.
You seem very black and white about your town vs his town. Obviously your sister and friends in your hometown are a clear difference. But I find it hard to believe there's 'nothing' for you in his town. What you want/need from the place you live evolves as your life changes. His town's 'good schools' are a benefit that you would soon have, even though it presumably seems some way off at the moment. And is there no chance you would make friends there? (In my case, we moved to 'his' town (small town in Cornwall) from London when our kids were small. It took me a while to make my own friends (all the people who say you'll make lots of friends through your baby don't have three children to monitor at babygroups etc), but it did happen with time, especially once they started school, and I probably have a wider friendship network than DH locally now.)
Or is it that basically, you're so fed up with your marriage that you want to go leave anyway? It's hard to tell from your posts, I wonder if that's because you're not really sure yourself though?

You would be better off naming the cities in a way, as none of your examples are much help - you clearly don't have much idea of what the places you've named are like?! - none of them help with illustrating what you mean (Edinburgh is a little backwater town but Bournemouth is where it's at?!) bizarre.

But apart from that. I agree that if you're going to have the setup where he spends his active time in another city anway, works long hours, then expects to be given the leeway from even evening parenting/domestic tasks to then extend that day further with drinks, dinners and a social life - then yes, damn right you live where YOU want to. He's never going to be there, whereas the organising and engaging on the home front is entirely in your lap. If you're going to be the one expected to pick up school and swimming lessons and establishing local friendships and absolutely everything else, then you get final say on where that happens.

Reading between the lines you're ready to walk if he expects the final say on it all - so I reckon there's more in the background anyway.

OP,

He sounds very very selfish.

You must have been drowning in children for the past two years.

Years ago I knew someone who had a two year old and twins and it nearly broke her.
She had little support too.
Her marriage survived..just.

Your husband delaying returning home during this period is just unacceptable.

I certainly wouldn't place my trust in someone longterm who could be so selfish.

Do your research and do what's best for you and your children.

A man who thinks so little of you during such a hard time is never going to be that far from being unfaithful.

Don't get locked into schooling in an area you don't like.

Is there a middle city that’s neither of your cities?

I must have been living in the wrong Edinburgh the last 40 odd years! You couldn’t get any more for kids to do if you tried?!