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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I deserve to be treated like this?

48 replies

Sos92 · 25/02/2021 01:05

Hi everyone, apologies for the very long rant.

Basically, for the last few years my relationship has gone downhill. What was once a great relationship with someone so loving is now a terrible one that has made me (probably him too) feel alone.

He complains that we don't talk anymore but everytime I try to talk to him he either ignores me or turns it into an argument.

Instead of appreciating all the things I do he picks at all the things I haven't done or tells me I've done it wrong. For example, I'll clean downstairs thoroughly but he will complain about the basket of clean washing I put in the bedroom earlier that day. I'm currently on furlough and he's a key worker so I don't mind doing all the housework and homeschooling our daughter etc, I don't expect compliments for what I've done but to complain about what I haven't done constantly just makes me feel very down. He even calls me lazy as I'm cleaning and says one day he just won't come home.

He gets angry about stuff lying around all over the house but it's mostly his stuff, just this morning I pulled 4 of his jackets off the back of a kitchen chair when he's the one who insists they all be kept upstairs.

He is constantly nagging me to lie to the government so I can claim benefits and says I'm 'thick in the head' when I say no. He was talking about me to a friend on the phone right in front of me saying stuff like I'll have to leave her so she'll claims benefits and then come back.

I don't feel attracted to him anymore, which I think is down to how he treats me. This adds more problems to the relationship.

On top of all that he wants another baby!!! I tell him I don't want anymore and he tells me he'll go and have one with someone else.

The worst I've ever done is let the house get a bit messy (usually when I'm feeling down and it's usually his stuff) and refuse sex a lot of the time, when we do have sex he complains about it afterwards because I'm not into it like I used to be.

Do I deserve this? Everytime I'm about to snap his whole attitude changes making me second guess myself and then I don't have the heart to end it.

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 25/02/2021 01:10

He's abusive op. It'll be clear for anyone to see from the outside. Can you see he's verbally and emotionally abusive? I'm glad you don't fancy him any more, as abusive men don't change so you'll need to leave him for your and dd's sake.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 25/02/2021 01:14

No you don’t deserve this. When I was trying to decide if I should leave or not I kept a diary. Two columns. Each day I jotted down the nice things in the + column, the horrible things in the - column. I kept it for a month. I didn’t leave at the end of that month but I did start my plan to leave. And I did eventually leave.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 25/02/2021 01:15

No you dont deserve it at all but I and we can tell you what you do deserve... to leave this awful shit of a man and find your happiness without him, threatening to go have a baby with some one else, wanting you to commit benefit fraud and generally treating you like shit.. nah sod that for a game of soilders you and your kid/s deserve much better than this abusive asshole. Get rid op and have my 2nd LTB.

Anordinarymum · 25/02/2021 01:16

I do think Lockdown has helped to bring out the worst in people. It has also helped to show what some people are really like.

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him !

Please do not get pregnant. Please think that you are worth more than this and consider your options.

Talking about you to someone else is so disloyal and disrespectful. It's not a partnership when he places himself above you is it

OldWomanSaysThis · 25/02/2021 01:26

Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

seensome · 25/02/2021 01:30

You don't deserve it, he's a bully, taking you for granted and no respect at all. I would stop doing things for him, I think it's got bad enough to seriously consider splitting.

Sos92 · 25/02/2021 02:13

All of these lockdowns have given me a lot of time to think, but I've known something isn't right for a long time. I think I'm just too soft when it comes to ending it. I do know other people can see it now too, dd's friends dad noticed it after knowing me for just a few weeks (no idea why he was prying in my relationship, hopefully just out of concern). He also isn't bothered who hears some comments, he openly said he will go and find someone else to have a baby with in front of my family at my grandads funeral! He may have said it jokingly in front of them but obviously I knew how he really meant it. I guess his behaviour had become normal to me and I couldn't see that it was wrong, which is why I wanted impartial opinions.

OP posts:
heart80s · 25/02/2021 03:01

The question is why are you still with him?

Sos92 · 25/02/2021 03:32

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love eachother. And even though he mostly treats me like crap, I know he cares about me and dd. Our relationship hasn't always been this bad, I guess I was hoping we could get to a happy place. We've been together 6 years, it's not so easy for either of us to give up. I think we're both getting to that stage now though.

OP posts:
bombastical · 25/02/2021 03:44

I think you’d be much happier living on your own. Do you have the ability to support yourself financially?

BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 04:32

@Sos92

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love eachother. And even though he mostly treats me like crap, I know he cares about me and dd. Our relationship hasn't always been this bad, I guess I was hoping we could get to a happy place. We've been together 6 years, it's not so easy for either of us to give up. I think we're both getting to that stage now though.

No man who loves his DD and Wife... behaves like this ....

He does not love or respect you 🌺

Sakurami · 25/02/2021 04:36

He sounds like a bully. No wonder you're not attracted to him anymore. You're not his slave, you're his partner.

GoodSister · 25/02/2021 05:14

He doesn’t love you OP, walk away and after a while when you look back you will realise that this is worse than you think it is.

category12 · 25/02/2021 06:08

It doesn't sound like love to me, it sounds like he has contempt for you.

How does he persuade you he loves you while at the same time treating you like crap?

Have you thought about the relationship you're modelling to your dd? Would you want her to accept being treated so shittily in her future relationships? You're teaching her that this is what relationships are like. Is this the kind of thing you grew up seeing?

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2021 06:19

No you don’t deserve it. There’s no jokey way to say you’ll go have a baby with someone else; he literally means it and I feel sorry for whoever she is. Take some steps to leave him as soon as you can because this isn’t a relationship, doesn’t even seem as though he likes you

AgentJohnson · 25/02/2021 06:32

And even though he mostly treats me like crap, I know he cares about me and dd.

Read this back OP. You want him to about you and him actually caring about you are two very different things.

Your partner sounds horrible and I can’t imagine the amount of damage he’s doing to your daughter. If his abuse of you isn’t something you wouldn’t want for your DD relationship future, then don’t let this be her primary relationship role model.

You can do better!

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 25/02/2021 06:35

What on earth are you doing with this awful man? If he loved you he wouldn't talk to you like that, he sounds like a total arsehole! What on earth is it you love about him? Open your eyes and get rid of him.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 25/02/2021 06:43

I hope I’m not mis quoting but I think Maya Angelou once said

‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them’.

I’m through and out the other side of a very similar scenario with my STBEXH and from my tougher viewpoint, I’d call his bluff on his comments.

You want to have a baby with another woman....? Go Ahead.
You ‘just won’t come home’ ....? Great. Let me know, and I’ll get the locks changed.

But basically, I’m saying the same as everyone else. It’s not good. It’s not healthy. And if you thinks he still loves you, he has an odd way of showing it.

Look up The Freedom Programme. freedomprogramme.co.uk/

DaphneBridgerton · 25/02/2021 07:26

Have my first ever LTB

Lochmorlich · 25/02/2021 07:34

People who care about you want you to be happy.
Your dp wants you to feel on high alert all of the time so you do as he says.
He doesn't love or even like you, he loves the power he has over you.

Leave, make him powerless.

tenlittlecygnets · 26/02/2021 06:49

@Sos92

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love eachother. And even though he mostly treats me like crap, I know he cares about me and dd. Our relationship hasn't always been this bad, I guess I was hoping we could get to a happy place. We've been together 6 years, it's not so easy for either of us to give up. I think we're both getting to that stage now though.
This is so sad. He doesn't love you, or respect you. Or he wouldn't treat you like this. He's completely disrespectful and uncaring.

Why are you putting up with it? Show him the door, then do the Freedom Programme.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/02/2021 06:56

He doesn't love you, I'm sorry

Dinosaursobsessedson · 26/02/2021 07:02

Sounds like you’l be happier on your own op,
Dods he do anything nice at all for you or your dd?
I have one similar who I also need to ltb
Good luck, its hard when your used to them being this way

KatherineJaneway · 26/02/2021 07:02

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love eachother.

He doesn't love you if he treats you like that Flowers

Solasum · 26/02/2021 07:02

For a relatively new acquaintance to mention anything OP says something. You really need to consider how things really are. He must have been genuinely concerned for you, and feel that you are being abused. Abused. Think about that for a moment.

Your H sounds like a Horrible misogynist who wants you barefoot and pregnant rather than as an equal partner.

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