Do I deserve to be treated like this?

[Sos92]

Hi everyone, apologies for the very long rant.

Basically, for the last few years my relationship has gone downhill. What was once a great relationship with someone so loving is now a terrible one that has made me (probably him too) feel alone.

He complains that we don't talk anymore but everytime I try to talk to him he either ignores me or turns it into an argument.

Instead of appreciating all the things I do he picks at all the things I haven't done or tells me I've done it wrong. For example, I'll clean downstairs thoroughly but he will complain about the basket of clean washing I put in the bedroom earlier that day. I'm currently on furlough and he's a key worker so I don't mind doing all the housework and homeschooling our daughter etc, I don't expect compliments for what I've done but to complain about what I haven't done constantly just makes me feel very down. He even calls me lazy as I'm cleaning and says one day he just won't come home.

He gets angry about stuff lying around all over the house but it's mostly his stuff, just this morning I pulled 4 of his jackets off the back of a kitchen chair when he's the one who insists they all be kept upstairs.

He is constantly nagging me to lie to the government so I can claim benefits and says I'm 'thick in the head' when I say no. He was talking about me to a friend on the phone right in front of me saying stuff like I'll have to leave her so she'll claims benefits and then come back.

I don't feel attracted to him anymore, which I think is down to how he treats me. This adds more problems to the relationship.

On top of all that he wants another baby!!! I tell him I don't want anymore and he tells me he'll go and have one with someone else.

The worst I've ever done is let the house get a bit messy (usually when I'm feeling down and it's usually his stuff) and refuse sex a lot of the time, when we do have sex he complains about it afterwards because I'm not into it like I used to be.

Do I deserve this? Everytime I'm about to snap his whole attitude changes making me second guess myself and then I don't have the heart to end it.

Men don’t treat women they love like this. My DP would never, ever, in a million years, talk to me or about me like that, and if he did he’d have his arse handed to him on a plate.

Sorry op, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you! That is not the behaviour of someone who cares!
LTB.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You're so deluded thinking he loves you. He doesn't sound like he even likes you, threatening to have a baby with someone else. This is sick in the head. He see's you as a punching bag for his own problems, taking everything out on you.
Problem is, you allow it. If you really must save this marriage, the only way I could this working is breaking up and he goes to therapy to sort out his abusive behaviour. In the mean time you focus on yourself and DD, gain some self esteem and dignity back. I really recommend Freedom Programme, I did it when I left my ex. During the course, I worked out he was the "Bully" He actually got therapy and is still working on himself. He finally had a realisation he was the one in the wrong and his behaviour was unacceptable. We're now just friends.
Anything is possible OP, but he must be able to admit he is wrong. He has deep issues that are making him be abusive to you. Unless you leave now, the abuse will continue.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a similar parental example?.

What you're describing here is an abusive relationship and I would think he has been abusive to you over time throughout your relationship. Abuse however, is insidious in its onset and it could well be that you either did not recognise it and/or minimised it; abuse is not just physical in nature.

Pregnancy and birth are also flashpoints for abusers to further ramp up the power and control against their target.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want her to see and to potentially copy?.
You may well love him (or are you really confusing that with codependency) but his actions towards you are certainly not loving ones.

The good news is op, I have read your post and can't identify a single reason to stay with this mean, abusive man.

Have my permission to tell him to fuck off. I bet he suddenly is a lot less enthusiastic to leave you.

He sounds like a lazy prick who couldn't look after himself. Give him a hand by packing his bags for him and hurling them out the door. Feel free to hurl him out after them.

You think he cares about you? What do you think caring looks like? Because it isn't this. Re read your post and ask yourself if that is caring. Ask yourself if that was your friend telling you, how would you react?

He wants another baby to keep you trapped. This isn't love.

Just from your 1st post I get the impression he doesn't care nor love you op, leave him he's disgusting x

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love eachother

Oh, OP, he doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. Please get rid (and DON'T take him back once you're claiming top up benefits, what a disgusting suggestion from him!)

What is your housing/financial situation?

It’s not your fault and he doesn’t love and/or respect you or your child.

I’ve been with DH nearly 20 years, I’m not the tidiest of people yet he has never ever berated me for the tidiness of our home. Even when I’ve been out of work.
I don’t think that’s abnormal and you can have that too with someone else.

Awful man, he doesn't love you. You presumably love your child, would you call her thick in the head to her face? No? Because you love her. Now you may well love him but he doesn't love you or even like you.

He is staying for the convenience, his clothes are washed, his meals are cooked. You are his housekeeper.

What is your housing situation? Own? Rent? Start to end this relationship.

People who care about you don't abuse you. That's what you're describing. Abuse.

On top of all that he wants another baby!!! I tell him I don't want anymore and he tells me he'll go and have one with someone else.

Show him the door.
He doesn't love or respect you.

He wants you to commit fraud. You could end up with a criminal record. Do you think a man who loves you would want that for you?

Does he have the morals and values you want in a father of your child?

As pp have said...he's abusive. He continues being so because he gets away with it.

You need to see him for what he is.

Would you be happy if your child was in this kind of relationship? Where you're called thick...where he talks about you in plain sight to his friend?

You're worth more.

Jesus, don't have a baby with this man OP. Honestly leave now you won't regret it

Dump this fuck, he doesn't love you. You don't treat people you love like this. He says this to keep you in your place because we all want to be loved but this is already over.
Don't even think of having another baby with him.

Sounds like he's had his head turned to me. He's treating you with utter contempt OP. Tell him to leave and you'll claim benefits. Then tell him he's not coming back when you have.

Get rid.

Imagine someone you feel totally neutral towards. A stranger or a very distant acquaintance. Can you imagine treating them like this? Even "just" calling them thick or lazy?

Then think of someone you love. Could you do it to them?

Then someone you dislike and have nothing but contempt for. Could you do it to them?

He doesn't love you. You deserve someone who loves you.

Your poor daughter growing up in a house where her mother thinks that what you have written is caring for a person and love.

Have you given any thought to how toxic it must be for your poor child.

Christ OP he doesn't love you!! He doesn't even like you!!

He is a self loathing, miserable bastard and projecting all his feelings onto you.

To speak about you like that to his friend on the phone in your company is disgusting and disrespectful and not to mention what he said to your family members at a funeral about you. If someone spoke about me like that to my family then it would be a different matter entirely! He'd have his head in his hands to play with!

Next time he says he's going to leave you and have a baby with someone else say "thank fuck, I'll help you pack."

Have my first LTB.............................. because you're worth it!

I cannot understand why you think you deserve this. Why do you hate yourself so much that you stay with this piece of shit?

I bet the friend on the phone thought he was an idiot.

Which he is.

He doesn't hide his contempt for you. Get up and do something - such as stand up for yourself and tell him he's free to leave. Honestly, men aren't going extinct anytime soon, you can do better than him surely.

@Sos92

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love eachother. And even though he mostly treats me like crap, I know he cares about me and dd. Our relationship hasn't always been this bad, I guess I was hoping we could get to a happy place. We've been together 6 years, it's not so easy for either of us to give up. I think we're both getting to that stage now though.

He absolutely doesn't love you!!

And try and find one thing about him treating you this way makes him loveable!

He's awful.

Despite all that was said in my post, we do still love each other.

He doesn’t love you. He has zero respect for you, which means there is no love there.

You don’t love him. You are just used to having him around.

You shouldn't want to keep him there as his disgustingly poor attitude towards you will soon be picked up by your child.

Take him up on his offer, get him to leave, remove himself from the house, sign up for UC then change the locks.

Do you have a job op? How old is your daughter.