Ways of catching out covert narc?

[ExposingCreep]

Hi there, since Monday's briefing it has occurred to me that a certain overbearing 'friend', who I believe to be a narcissist, might suggest meeting up next month once it becomes legal. (See my other threads on this username for more info.)

Although not ideal, if I tell him politely but firmly that I have no wish to meet up for at least a few weeks, he might possibly respond in a way that reveals his true colours, which I can send to those who think he is a good guy.

Alternatively, I could arrange an outdoor meeting in a safe place, and then be very indifferent and/or annoying, possibly also arranging for a certain friend he doesn't know, but knows about him, to turn up at some point.

Can anyone give me ideas about to put off meeting him, without making it too obvious that I don't really like him and/or am on to him? (Failing this, any specific tips for annoying him face to face?)

Why bother?
Attention, even negative is oxygen to these people. The only way to “win” is not engage

I'd advise you stop playing mind games. It won't end well

I hear you @Hoppinggreen, but if I cut him off altogether in the near future, then I would also have to cut off others. Even if I was prepared to do so, there would be nobody within the wider group to keep an eye on him.

Don't ever try to beat a narc at their own game.
What is it you want to achieve, anyway?

Basically I want to show him that he is not in control of how I think, behave etc. Secondly, I want to try and open the eyes of our mutual friends.

I should add - there are genuine reasons for not being keen to meet up (vulnerable family members).

You can never, ever upstage a narc or beat them at their own game. You are in for a whole bunch of trouble with that. The only rule with narcs is absolute silence and not engaging at all, even if it means stepping away from others.

You are trying to manipulate events which, as I understand it, is the behaviour of someone with a narcissistic personality

People see what they want to see for the most part.

Secondly, someone motivated by a desire to control you won't quietly allow you to undermine that. He will escalate.

If you want to show him that he is not in control of how you think and behave, you remain composed, calm and tell him directly every time he does something that bothers you that it is not acceptable behaviour.

Your other objective would be folly because narcs can pull the wool over people's eyes for years.. decades! You'd be labelled as the bad guy, you do know that, right?

Unless you're also a narc then don't do it.
It's draining, boring and pointless and will cause you loads of stress and ultimately a feeling of defeat. You seriously can't win!
Just cut the person out of your life. Honestly, it's the best way.

Why are you trying to provoke someone to try and prove he's not who he says he is to other people?

This is exactly how narcissists behave. Don't you see that?

Why do you feel the need to try and help other people see this person through the same lens as you?

I agree with what others have said, you’ve already lost this game. They have no empathy and would get a kick out of you making time for them, for getting inside your head, makes them feel special and superior. The best approach is no contact. You don’t necessarily have to cut off people you know in common. If you are yourself a narcissist trying to control a covert narcissist then you are about to learn a tough lesson.

I’m sorry but this is beyond weird. What’s the fascination with people being narcs on this site? Why would you trap anyone? Normal people don’t go around behaving weird. You acting like a nutcase in order to entrap someone (for what purpose?) so you can satisfy your desire to prove they have a mental illness is just beyond! Please go and rethink. Be nice to everyone and if you don’t like them, fade away.

Drop the rope.

Then he can’t play games. Grey rock. Fade out become vanilla, boring, invisible.

Don’t give him the fuel of your emotional energy - he can sense you are triggered and this is feeding the dynamic.

Your slow detachment, cool indifference and increasing distance will sting him much more.

So you're the only one who can see it. You're special. Not only that , but you see it as your mission to expose him,get proof, manipulate events and ensure there are witnesses. Open up everyone's eye.

You are making a clear and deliberate plan about how to annoy him and make him react in a certain way. The worst way really.

And then you will show everyone you were right,they were wrong and he's an arsehole.

Who exactly is the narc here?

@AccidentallyOnPurpose I see what you are saying, but I'm not intending for him to hit me, or be publicly aggressive, or anything like that.

Before people feel sorry for him, please remember he was trying to manipulate me into physically meeting last year at the height of lockdown, despite knowing I have vulnerable relatives.

There is also some significant info I am aware of, which most of the others probably aren't aware of.

There are many people who have been breaking rules during lockdown. It doesn't make them narcissistic. I cant access your previous posts to know any background story.

Wanted to add on:

Why do you feel it is your duty to expose this person?

[quote ExposingCreep]@AccidentallyOnPurpose I see what you are saying, but I'm not intending for him to hit me, or be publicly aggressive, or anything like that.

Before people feel sorry for him, please remember he was trying to manipulate me into physically meeting last year at the height of lockdown, despite knowing I have vulnerable relatives.

There is also some significant info I am aware of, which most of the others probably aren't aware of.[/quote]
I don't feel sorry for him.

In situations like this I distance myself, nod and smile then tell the dumbasses that fell for it "i told you so" when they get burned.

I'm a dick, but I've learned a long time ago that people don't want to know. Which suits me as I'm too lazy to "prove" shit to anyone.

This amount of planning and work is not worth it. He's not worth it. Not to mention that any goading or impression of you "setting him up" will make him look like the victim ,and you the aggressor.

Just sack him off. You'll look like the narc if you're caught playing games. Life is too short.

You're giving a lot of headspace to this person. I'd suggest don't start pre-empting that he may want to meet up and how he may or may not react when you do. Planning to pass on messages to others to try and prove what a narc he is actually makes you sound like the one with the issues. Seriously, step away from the crazy.

What @Parkperson said 👍

I get it. I've been there - treated like crap by one, manipulated, stuff said very carefully to create drama that suits him, me driven to breaking point and desperate for mutual friends to see what he was doing. Every time I tried to explain, he turned it against me.

I walked away from the lot of them. Felt so much better after a couple of months. He has slightly slipped back in (lockdown stuff) but I've noticed that it's affecting my mental health again so am phasing out politely. I'm hoping to just keep things at a polite "hello" and nothing else so it doesn't make mutual acquaintances feel awkward

Thank you @PositiveLife. You seem to understand

Don't play mind games. Just tell him you do not wish to meet him and if he asks why, simply say because you don't want to.