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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and work stress driving me mad

43 replies

Donotfeedthebears · 24/02/2021 09:43

I’m pregnant and DH, although I love him to bits, his job is driving me mad. Loads of people are off with Covid / isolating so he is super busy. I get that. He keeps waking up early, sighing and huffing and puffing and dropping his phone on the floor as he lies in bed.

He is consistently in a bad mood when he gets home, goes on about it for a while and then when I ask him a specific question says he doesn’t want to talk about work. We work in the same sector so when I try to advise him about how he could get help he says he doesn’t want to discuss it. Then keeps bringing it up.

On a weekend, he does nothing expect play computer games all day. He doesn’t want to go for a walk, admittedly, there’s nothing else to do but he doesn’t want to watch a film together, tidy up or help me with the nursery.

I’m already thinking that if I go into labour when he’s at work, I’ll take myself to the hospital and not tell him until it’s over. I just can’t stand the thought of him sitting in the corner sighing as he deals with work stuff on his phone. At least hospital visiting hours are limited so he can’t sit there all day huffing and puffing and talking about work when I’m on the ward!

He’s only just put in his paternity leave form! And keeps saying he wants to do shared parental leave yet never bothers to fill the form in. Then says how lucky I am to get a year off work!

So as not to drip feed, I have perinatal depression and have had a difficult pregnancy so far with weeks signed off sick and hospitalisations. No previous problems with marriage.

Last time I was in hospital after an admittance from the MAU, he was working away, and didn’t pick up my calls. I had to go down to the little shop, IV in hand, to buy myself overnight stuff as he wouldn’t get back in time.

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 24/02/2021 09:49

This is not good, and has potential to get unbearably bad when baby arrives. Do you have a supportive mum nearby?

Donotfeedthebears · 24/02/2021 09:54

@Mistystar99

This is not good, and has potential to get unbearably bad when baby arrives. Do you have a supportive mum nearby?
My parents live 90 minutes away. Apparently they can’t wait to help out but I’m not holding my breath!
OP posts:
SunnySideUp2020 · 24/02/2021 10:01

Could he be anxious about becoming a dad or feeling like he s going to miss out when the baby comes or have his life upside down?
I have known some guys like that. Not that i think it's justified but it happens.
Maybe work is a way to pull his attention away from that?
And he games like crazy because he won't be able to do it when baby comes?

Agree though that it doesn't sound promising...
Have you talked to him? I mean properly about how you feel left out and not supported by your partner?
If yes, what is his reaction?

Donotfeedthebears · 24/02/2021 10:11

He’s generally better at practical rather than emotional support. I cut my foot over the weekend on a tiny shard of glass in the kitchen. I said it was bleeding all over the floor. His response was quite snappy “yes, I can see that” kind of thing. Then dressed the cut. When I ordered in a Starbucks on the weekend, they got my order wrong and I was annoyed and he said “what do you want me to do about it?” He never used to be so snappy.

I said I didn’t feel supported and he said he was trying his best.

He keeps saying he’ll take me to antenatal appointments as his way of showing support and then he ends up not being able to work from home, so I have to get a cab there. Not a big deal but I wish he would stop over promising things that don’t happen.

OP posts:
minmooch · 24/02/2021 10:17

From another point of view I am Wfh but covering another persons work whilst they are off very ill with Covid. Not their fault but the added pressure on me is unbelievable. I'm working earlier staying later and having to work at weekend to try and keep the business running so everyone keeps their jobs. I'm knackered and not at my best all the time. I don't have the added pressure of a pregnant partner as well. This period of time is extremely stressful for everyone.

Understanding on both sides is imperative at the moment and realistic expectations must be managed.

You're both right to feel pissed off.

Mistystar99 · 24/02/2021 12:37

Just reread that he was talking about shared parental leave - I think this would be a lifesaver for you both.

EarthSight · 24/02/2021 13:02

Yes........so 'lucky' to give birth and have to deal with the health consequences if it goes wrong. So 'lucky' to need time to recover from what could be a serious operation if it's a caeserian. 'Lucky' to stay at home all day long, doing nothing but playing, relaxing and having a nice, easy time.

That comment is a bit of a warning bell to me. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you will be on these forums in a few month's time, saying your husband is stressed at work and is resentful of the time you 'get' to be at home with a baby, chilli'n on your arse, clearly. That you feel unappreciated, undervalued for your contribution and he doesn't realise how much you do, how exhausting it is.

You need to have a chat with him pronto about any ideas like that he could be having because they will almost certainly be trouble.

His response was quite snappy “yes, I can see that” kind of thing. Then dressed the cut

You know, people need emotional AND practical support. They're both important. If he makes you feel like shit when you need help, even if he does then help you, that is going to get old really quickly. When some people behave in this way, what they're actually saying is 'God, you've been silly again, but I suppose that I am obliged to help you, given what a superhero I am & all'.

How do think that's going to work when you have this baby? Will he be behaving like this then and then developing a resentment he's having to do a favour for you? The way he's behaving now sounds like he has some tension that he's not handling well. Either it's his work or it's you (and he's just not communicating them as he should).

He doesn’t want to go for a walk, admittedly, there’s nothing else to do but he doesn’t want to watch a film together, tidy up or help me with the nursery

So errrr......why does he want to be in a relationship?? It sound to me like he has a bit of a problem. It doesn't have to be a full on addiction, just like not everyone is a full blown alcoholic, but I think he's gaming in order to try and unwind - and it's very much at your cost because he doesn't seem to consider that you have needs at all. What are you in this for him? A housemate? A buddy? If he's spending no quality time with you except for having dinner with you, why is he in this at all? Is that what he's going to be doing every weekend whilst you struggle? Is it going to be your job onoy to entertain them, to parent them, to take them to the park to play?

If he's gaming to unwind, it's not going to work. Trust me. He thinks it does, but it doesn't. Without proper relaxation, he most likely won't even enjoy those games as much as he should. As exciting and fun as they might be, first person shooter games will most likely negatively affect his mood overall. Also, is this the image the child is going to have of its father? A man who is constantly glued to a gaming omputer screen when he's home?

I'm so glad that your parents sound so supportive. Maybe all be well in the end and this is just a rough patch. I only highlighted a few things to consider in case this is still going on in a year's time. I hope they're addressed now.

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 12:29

He got up at 4am to go to work today as he couldn’t sleep but will no doubt be working another 12/14 hour day. How long can somebody feasibly work 70 hour weeks without collapsing? I’m wondering if he’s going to do anything with the new baby! Or just go to work, come home and then play computer games.

OP posts:
Emmas85 · 26/02/2021 12:36

Tbh you sound very needy and hard work. He's stressed with work in an unusual time which is how most of us feel at the moment. Maybe he's trying to sort things so he's able to have time with the baby when it arrives? Try and talk to him about how he's feeling rather than how you're feeling.

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 12:45

@Emmas85

Tbh you sound very needy and hard work. He's stressed with work in an unusual time which is how most of us feel at the moment. Maybe he's trying to sort things so he's able to have time with the baby when it arrives? Try and talk to him about how he's feeling rather than how you're feeling.
I don’t think I’m hard work and I’m surprised you picked that up from my post. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, after numerous hospitalisations and I’ve been on my own at home most of my pregnancy when he’s been away.

I ask him how he’s feeling every night, he says fine then proceeds to tell me about his day and finishes it with “I really don’t want to talk about work.” I’m not sure what else I can do?

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 26/02/2021 13:29

Is he actually being remunerated for all this overtime he is doing? Or is he putting the needs of his employer above yours, for nothing in return?

Next time he talks about work and then says he doesn't want to talk about it... Maybe just say "I don't know how to respond as it's not clear whether you want to discuss it or not.".?

Jenny215 · 26/02/2021 13:33

Let him get on with it, you can't tell a grown a man what to do. He's choosing to act this way, he'll only do what he wants to do.
Focus on yourself, you know now you're on your own with this pregnancy. Get excited, get ready baby.

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 13:36

@ChikiTIKI

Is he actually being remunerated for all this overtime he is doing? Or is he putting the needs of his employer above yours, for nothing in return?

Next time he talks about work and then says he doesn't want to talk about it... Maybe just say "I don't know how to respond as it's not clear whether you want to discuss it or not.".?

No, he’s military, so no extra pay! His role is not in any way front line, it’s working in an office. Apparently, 20 colleagues are either off sick (asymptomatic) or self isolating at home. The ones who are isolating are meant to be working from home but they aren’t. As I’m ex-military and working with them in my current role, I keep gently suggesting how he can take it higher, who he can talk to at work etc but he refuses to do anything about the situation.

I’ve told him I’d rather he wasn’t present at the birth as him sitting there taking work calls isn’t going to help is it? I’ve also said not to bother taking paternity leave and I’ll have my mum to help me instead. As I said, he wants to share parental leave but hasn’t bothered filling the forms in so I don’t know how he thinks he’ll magically be on leave.

OP posts:
SunnySideUp2020 · 26/02/2021 13:39

If he is working not much you can do...
My DH works from the time he wakes up until i go to bed at 10pm. And manages some 45 min gaming and an hour lunch during the day.
Does it feel lonely? Yes ofc.
I am also 35 weeks pregnant with our first.
And it feels like i am doing this on my own so far but what can we do?
I am not working, he is the breadwinner.
I told him i will need his full attention when baby is here. So i cut him some slack now.
Try not to be resentful... but i know it's shitty.

SunnySideUp2020 · 26/02/2021 13:40

You should let him take paternity leave though.

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 13:41

He’s accepted another posting starting in the summer - without asking me. It’s very near to where my parents live. He said he requested it so I can have help and this job is apparently much easier. Just Whatsapped me now and told me. Never mind that I won’t be able to return to my job after mat leave so I’ll have to apply for internal jobs where we are moving to. Or take unpaid leave.

And you just know who will be doing all the packing and stuff with a tiny baby whilst he’s at work! And the unpacking at the other end!

OP posts:
Eckhart · 26/02/2021 13:42

Have you talked to him and explained how you're feeling?

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 13:46

@Eckhart

Have you talked to him and explained how you're feeling?
Yes he knows how I feel. I’m also working full time (from home) and doing all the household stuff.

I suggested that he get a cabin at work and stay there to save commuting to and from work or that I could go and stay at my parents. He didn’t like that and started crying. I’m honestly trying to be empathetic but I’m getting nowhere. I’m now dreading him coming home from work every day.

And yes, I’ve suggested he needs to speak to the doctor at work and he refuses saying it would damage his career and then in the nest breath says he wants to quit and live off grid in a log cabin.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 26/02/2021 13:59

I suggested that he get a cabin at work and stay there to save commuting to and from work or that I could go and stay at my parents. He didn’t like that and started crying

It seems like your telling him what you need and he just totally dismisses it every time - is that right?

What reason did he give for not liking your idea?

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 14:03

@Eckhart

I suggested that he get a cabin at work and stay there to save commuting to and from work or that I could go and stay at my parents. He didn’t like that and started crying

It seems like your telling him what you need and he just totally dismisses it every time - is that right?

What reason did he give for not liking your idea?

He said the best part of his day is coming home to me - probably so that he can moan! And so that I can make his dinner, wash his shirts and he can do gaming!

He also refuses to not sleep in the same bed. I said I’ll sleep in the spare room so that we can both sleep better. His response is “that’s how marriages break down.”

OP posts:
Eckhart · 26/02/2021 14:06

So he does completely just take care of his own needs, then, at the expense of yours. Even though you've told him clearly what your needs are?

Is this behaviour new?

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 14:09

@Eckhart

So he does completely just take care of his own needs, then, at the expense of yours. Even though you've told him clearly what your needs are?

Is this behaviour new?

He’s always been quite lazy around the house but not like this. He agreed to start trying for a baby as he was annoyed that I “kept going on about it.” Yet when I was hospitalised with HG and sobbing that I wanted to die, he wouldn’t let me have an abortion even though I rang up and booked it.
OP posts:
Eckhart · 26/02/2021 14:13

He agreed to start trying for a baby as he was annoyed that I “kept going on about it

God. Did he tell you at the time that he felt like that, or after you were pregnant?

What do you mean 'He wouldn't let you'? How did he stop you?

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it really does sound like he's manipulating your emotions into a knot.

Donotfeedthebears · 26/02/2021 14:17

He told me after I got pregnant. And despite the positive tests he didn’t believe I was pregnant and told me not to get my hopes up.

He wouldn’t drive me to the clinic and told me it was just my crazy pregnancy hormones making me want to have an abortion. I told him that I didn’t want the baby and I’d have it adopted instead and he said that was ridiculous and that he’d get custody - even though he’s never at home, I’m not sure how he would take care of a baby!

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 26/02/2021 14:23

You don't really know what kind of father men are going to be until they are one. But how they behave while you are pregnant is the closest indication. I ended up with perinatal depression too, which I now see was directly related to how my children's father treated me while pregnant.

Be prepared for it to be much much worse once the baby arrives. Have support ready that does not involve him at all. Sadly many men see fatherhood as a right they have to the child, rather than a responsibility.