DH and work stress driving me mad

[Donotfeedthebears]

I’m pregnant and DH, although I love him to bits, his job is driving me mad. Loads of people are off with Covid / isolating so he is super busy. I get that. He keeps waking up early, sighing and huffing and puffing and dropping his phone on the floor as he lies in bed.

He is consistently in a bad mood when he gets home, goes on about it for a while and then when I ask him a specific question says he doesn’t want to talk about work. We work in the same sector so when I try to advise him about how he could get help he says he doesn’t want to discuss it. Then keeps bringing it up.

On a weekend, he does nothing expect play computer games all day. He doesn’t want to go for a walk, admittedly, there’s nothing else to do but he doesn’t want to watch a film together, tidy up or help me with the nursery.

I’m already thinking that if I go into labour when he’s at work, I’ll take myself to the hospital and not tell him until it’s over. I just can’t stand the thought of him sitting in the corner sighing as he deals with work stuff on his phone. At least hospital visiting hours are limited so he can’t sit there all day huffing and puffing and talking about work when I’m on the ward!

He’s only just put in his paternity leave form! And keeps saying he wants to do shared parental leave yet never bothers to fill the form in. Then says how lucky I am to get a year off work!

So as not to drip feed, I have perinatal depression and have had a difficult pregnancy so far with weeks signed off sick and hospitalisations. No previous problems with marriage.

Last time I was in hospital after an admittance from the MAU, he was working away, and didn’t pick up my calls. I had to go down to the little shop, IV in hand, to buy myself overnight stuff as he wouldn’t get back in time.

So he made out that he wanted to have a baby with you, then once you were pregnant he told you he didn't want to have a baby with you, and then when you were so sick you wanted to abort, he told you you were crazy.

Can you see how bad this is? Have you got support? Other people you're close to/see/can talk to?

I ended up with perinatal depression too, which I now see was directly related to how my children's father treated me while pregnant

I wondered this too. Seems OP's feelings suddenly mean nothing at all now she's pregnant. That level of invalidation can drive a saint to depression/lunacy.

So he tells you what you want to hear, and then does exactly what he wants to.

Tbh it's not sleeping in separate beds that will ruin your marriage, it's his behaviour

Are you sure he wants this baby? The bit where he said he agreed to ttc to stop you going on about it jumped out at me. Having a child is such a huge change it's important to both be on board.

He tells everyone at work he’s having a baby etc and acts excited but is “too tired” to do anything about the nursery at the weekend, I can’t put up cots or curtains on my own.

I don’t have anyone locally I can physically see in lockdown. My parents will be doing childcare once she’s born.

Well, a sibling would do the same, wouldn't they. Tell all their friends that there was going to be a new baby at home, and then go and play computer games when they got in, without a care for the responsibilities.

It's good you've got your parents to help, OP. If he can't be arsed doing the nursery, he's not going to be arsed about your newborn either. I think in your shoes I'd be focusing on getting my needs met as much as possible, whether he likes it or not, and if he argues/cries/manipulates you in any other way, telling him that these things are necessary, regardless of his tears.

If he insists on behaving like a 6 year old, you're going to have to shove him to one side and be responsible for yourself, involving him only if he chooses to make responsible adult decisions.

People saying you are needy! What a wind up. I have shit weeks and I don't spend all my free time playing computer games with friends (where I am sure he is happy chatting away). I am not denying his work is a struggle but he is being selfish to not spend ANY of his time with you. Dick.

He still isn’t home yet despite saying he would be back at lunch time. I’m packing a bag and going to stay with my parents, he can find out when he finally gets home.

@Donotfeedthebears

He still isn’t home yet despite saying he would be back at lunch time. I’m packing a bag and going to stay with my parents, he can find out when he finally gets home.

Go, OP! Good move!

Oh OP I'm similarly pregnant with a husband with a lot of work stress, but at least he talks and we do things together and he's excited for doing nurseries etc. I think you do right, you have enough on your plate

Mine was a bit like this OP. Head up his arse with work stress plus fear about being a dad.
I remember feeling so lonely.

I had a complete meltdown and it got through to him. We both cried. He finally got how much he was affecting me.

Now DS is here he's so much better - it's really put his work in perspective.

Best of luck OP. Make him realise how hard his behaviour is for you and baby.

Do you drive op?

I’ve got a H like this OP. It doesn’t get better. I can’t wait for him to go back to his office routine. He’s literally welded to his job, puts in crazy hours and is charming and charismatic to colleagues/friends/family, but he’s a grumpy arse to me. His stress impacts how he eats (super controlled), he has zero sex drive, is snappy about things being repeated (saying “you’ve already said that” etc) and is generally not fun for me to be around. He also games a lot in his free time (I think as an escape from work stress).

I hope your husband gets better. Sorry to hear about about your pre-natal depression. I had PND after our youngest was born. Nearly all of which was caused by my H. Maternity leave isn’t a “year off”. I hope you can get the support and help from family. My advice to you is to keep your independence. I don’t want to break up my family, but I could it that makes sense, I’m not beholden to my grumpy arse husband financially.

Sometimes when we’re at a low point I think I’d be fine if he had an accident and didn’t come home. First time I’ve acknowledged thinking that. Please don’t get trapped in a relationship like this. Good luck for your birth. Your little baby will be your greatest treasure x

I think there's a lot more going on than in your first op.

Had you said you were 33 weeks pregnant I think a lot of the first lot of replies would have been different - mine included.

He doesn't sound that nice to be honest and if he's not shown any interest by the time you are 33 weeks pregnant it does not bode well.

I'm sorry you are getting very little support from him. I hope you have time to rest and get looked after at your parents.

He’s not happy I’m staying at my parents, apparently he misses me. But when I tried to talk about the baby being here in 7 weeks he said “I don’t want to talk about it, it’s another thing to stress me out.”

I’ve decided that he isn’t going to be at the birth. I imagine he’ll be at work when I go into labour so I’ll simply take myself to hospital and pretend I rang him and couldn’t get through.

Good for you OP. The only thing that's
Important right now is your pregnancy. Let him stew

Sorry op but he sounds like a total head fuck.

I mainly just feel really angry with him for being such a fucktard.