Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Should I just let him take it all?

88 replies

Fightingback16 · 24/02/2021 08:55

Bit of a quick back story. Family home transferred to me by court order (happening next week) ex husband currently living there and has to move on.

Court order said that the possessions need to be divided. Ex to send me a list of what he will be taking for me to agree etc. List came yesterday and he is taking it all. All the kitchen appliances, both sofas, all the beds.....I mean everything.

He will move out Tuesday and I get the keys from solicitors and have locksmith ready etc. Due to level of domestic abuse I simply can’t go and get anything and purely waiting for him to go to find out the state he has left it in. I do have all the sentimental bits.

I called the solicitor and she says this happens often and he is punishing me because the court swayed in my favour a lot. But we have a four year old who he doesn’t see for 15 months so her needs came first. Just really goes to show what he thinks about his child leaving her a house with no furniture or no kitchen.

Anyway I’ve called the solicitor and obviously said I would like him to leave one of the kitchen appliances and the sofa bed so I have somewhere to sleep for now. But she has said he WILL end up taking it all and it’s not worth the money fighting.

I’ve also asked for my jewellery back, I have a ring I could sell and pay for all the furniture I need but he took it all from me...

Should I just let him take it all and count my losses, after all I’m getting the house back???

OP posts:

PensionsYes · 26/02/2021 07:52

Wow he sounds awful, thank goodness you’re nearly rid of him. The finish line is in sight OP.

user1471538283 · 26/02/2021 09:02

Let him have it all. I'm part of a local buying and selling Facebook page and the amount of stuff people give away for free is wonderful. I've put some really nice stuff up for free that's gone to help people. Some advertise that they need stuff and get in the main. There is also charity shops and sometimes a community shop. There are lots of skips about and my DF got my first table from a skip! You can build up what you need over time.

I know its hard. It is quite exciting that the stuff you have will be what you've got. My DS still talks about that table!

DinosaurDiana · 26/02/2021 09:04

Let him have it and get yourself on Freecycle.

Hailtomyteeth · 26/02/2021 09:07

In 1986, my ex husband took everything he could. He left me and his four year old daughter without sheets for the bed.

He's dead now. I don't usually wish him in hell but you just reminded me ...

Weenurse · 26/02/2021 09:13

A blow up bed, a fridge, a saucepan and a pan and you are good to start.
Build up the rest as you need and can afford.
Good luck

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 26/02/2021 09:16

Yes I often think about Karma and although I’m absolutely knackered (I have chronic fatigue thanks to him) I am excited about getting new bits and hopefully I will get a bit better without this stress.

The sofa and bed really stank anyway. He hasn’t changed the sheets since I left 2 years ago so that I’m not too fussed about, although he has moved a new lady in now and I’m sure busy love bombing her so may have cleaned up....who knows and cares really!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 26/02/2021 09:17

@Weenurse yep I bought that to do lockdown camping in garden so good to go with the blow up bed. Also managed to get a sofa bed if he doesn’t leave it!

OP posts:

Weenurse · 26/02/2021 09:45

From what you say, you would be better off if he took it all

justasking111 · 26/02/2021 09:51

Insure the house now you have a date it's being returned to you. Perhaps if you find an unholy mess the insurance may go after him

Marineboy67 · 26/02/2021 11:22

Definitely just let it go it's not worth the stress of it. As others have said he's angry & bitter. Its just stuff at the end of the day. Most importantly your getting your life back. I had the same but in reverse. My ex wife kept everything and even took my tools to the charity shop. All I ended up with was my late fathers rocking chair.
In a way I didn't want anything from the life I'd shared with her. I wanted to start fresh again.
I once had to briefly pick my daughter up from her new marital home and was quite surprised to see how she'd 'recreated' the home with the old tack we'd had.
Her husband be very understanding having all that previous stuff around. Move on and welcome your new life, you can have your home how you'd like it now.

SilverRoe · 26/02/2021 11:32

Well at the least you can get stuff to sleep on and sit on that his abusive ass hasn’t touched. Focus on that and it becomes a positive for you rather than his last ditch pathetic attempts to get to you.

YoniAndGuy · 26/02/2021 11:34

@Fightingback16

Yes I will be taking photos. I fully expect it to be destroyed. It’s a stupid attitude to have. Child contact case is active a court, he has been severely warned about his behaviour and told if he doesn’t change he won’t be in his daughters life....not listening at all it seems.

Jewellery is in his safe so can’t get it out. Fixed to the wall.

Then this is great news, really.

What he's done is just ensured he will probably end up losing parental responsibility.

Photograph EVERYTHING. Document EVERYTHING and don't stint on describing how he's made sure the house isn't safe for your DD to return to, he's stolen her belongings, trashed her home, stolen her mother's jewellery etc...

Then add up the rough value and think of it as what it cost you to possibly get something beyond price - him legally barred from co-parenting your DD and out of your lives for good.

If he was cleverer - he wouldn't be doing this. He'd be sickly sweet, sending endless texts listing the things he's leaving and what he's done to make sure the house is all ready for his darling daughter... just to ensure that he looks good enough to get back in and control you, through her, for a lot longer.

Be thankful he's as thick as he's nasty.

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 26/02/2021 18:57

Yep he sure is stupid at times. Judges/solicitors and barristers so far have been shocked by his stupidity....lucky for me really like you say!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 27/02/2021 19:30

It’s really getting to me today. The thought of him and his new lady going through all the stuff and taking my things.

My dads tools are in the garage and he passed away a few years ago and he will probably take them. I know it’s just possessions but it hurts.

OP posts:

2020iscancelled · 27/02/2021 20:59

That does sound really hard OP, especially the loss of belongings with sentimental value.

What you must remember is that your dad would no doubt say sod the tools, they mean nothing compared to your freedom, safety and happiness.

You have a life ahead of you that you can fill with new experiences and new possessions, all of which have absolutely nothing to do with this nasty piece of work.

Leave the vultures to it, let them crack on believing they are doing you harm. He might believe he has some kind of power or control over you by doing this - but he hasn’t, he’s doing you a favour by taking all the stuff he tarred with his toxicity. If he leaves anything (other than your bits and your daughters bits) then I’d be tempted to burn or bin it anyway!

It’s just “stuff”. He thinks he’s got the upper hand here but the reality is he’s a fucking loser, he knows it, you know it and no doubt the new woman will know it soon enough

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 28/02/2021 08:03

It’s the not knowing and the fact some other lady will be going through all my belongings choosing what she wants and he laughing saying take what you want. It feels dirty.

I’m getting nervous about seeing what’s let’s and having no control over this. The worse it looks the better like you said for the other court case but it still hurts a great deal.

OP posts:

Noshowlomo · 28/02/2021 08:21

OP he is such the loser in this. Even if he has ends up with all the stuff, it’s just objects. You have come out with dignity and your precious child.

tribpot · 28/02/2021 08:35

I’m getting nervous about seeing what’s let’s and having no control over this
That's what he wants, OP. I think I would set your expectations at the level of:

everything of value to you has been taken or destroyed
the house will require a major refresh before you can live in it again.

Then if things aren't as bad as that, it will come as a pleasant surprise.

As to whether some other woman is pawing through your stuff deciding what she wants to take, maybe that's happening and maybe it isn't. But if it is, karma will come around for her because these people don't change. Meanwhile every day now is a day when you are further from his control.

gutful · 28/02/2021 08:41

Girl don’t even reply.

He is trying to get a rise out of you - don’t bother responding

Let him take it all.

I just furnished a whole 2 bedroom flat with lovely vintage pieces have found off Facebook marketplace - many things free when people are moving they often just need things gone & don’t want to pay removalists!

You can decorate the house with all new things & it is going to feel so much better than whatever sofa bed or appliance is there.

Don’t rise to it, you have come out on top better in the settlement & it is a desperate attempt to get a rise out of you.

You’re better than the sofa bed he has probably laid on sweaty & unwashed.

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 28/02/2021 08:46

Yes from Tuesday he will have no control over me with the house. For over 2 years he has beat me with this house, told me he’d make me suffer if I took him to court, told me he’d kill himself, quit his job and never leave.....and all the rest. But I quietly carried on through the court, grey rocked, never replied even though I wanted to do bad things. It’s been hard, even though I never responded and looked calm I took a lot of emotional hits.

His money, what he did for me was always used to abuse me. I never realised it was all staged at the time. Loosing the house will hit him hard and he will be looking at a way to win so assume he will leave a scene behind.

I worry that when he gets contact he will really punish me via our daughter....

OP posts:

morninglive · 28/02/2021 08:50

Local Facebook freecycle often have bits and pieces you could have. I would let it go and just have a blank canvas with no memories or him.

FrenchBoule · 28/02/2021 09:32

Remove your Dad’s tools!!! He has no right to take them.Remove everything of sentimental value.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/02/2021 09:55

Can he not be supervised going through the house? Not by you but by the police ? I wouldn't care if he took everything but maliciously destroying a perfectly fine house is surely a crime. Can you take photos of the house today as it is so if he breaks or wrecks anything you have proof.
Do you have any brothers???

Denn35 · 28/02/2021 10:04

OP you will find on fb market there are lots of people offering free sofa beds ect. I wouldnt even bother with your ex he is a bully seeking a reaction. As a pp said make a mental note of how he left his child with no where to sleep but keep your head above the water. Sorry you have to go through this but it sounds like the last ugly push until you will be finally free of him and be able to start over

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 28/02/2021 10:18

A month ago he was warned by the judge to look at how is actions effect his daughter and not to look at controlling me.....this just adds to my case but is sad.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4