Being perfect

[AlowYew]

I need to get this off my chest.

Okay, so I am not perfect and I have my faults like everyone.

My husband doesn't give me
an inch for manoeuvre.
I am not allowed to be tired, grumpy, stressed or, for example,cross when it's bedtime for the children. It's relentless and there is no leeway at all.

Not wanting a badge, but I try my best as a wife and a mother .
I keep an immaculate home, the children are well cared for and loved, I'm
a great cook, a good lover and I work part time too as well to contribute to the home.

It just feels so one sided and I also have shit mental health which doesn't help matters.

What's peoples thoughts on this. Is it normal?
Any thoughts or advice would
be gladly welcome.

He's a dick OP... he's abusing you!

Is he perfect? Does he help around the house? Describing you as "fucked up"?? Imagine how he'd react if you said that was him (which he is clearly).

Leave him and free you and your children from his emotionally damaging ways.

He's not a lovely guy, and you are miserable. Set yourself free from this shit.

Get it off your chest on here OP... 🌺

Wow. I feel like such a bitch even posting and taking about it.

Yes, because he's been gaslighting the hell out of you and making you believe that the problem lies with you. Stop making excuses for him, OP.

He sounds a lot like my XH, also a Jekyll and Hyde character. The best thing I ever did was to send him packing. The worst thing was that I waited a decade to do so, making all the excuses in the world for him while red flags flapped in my face.

How old are your DC? Do you have your own family nearby?

My husband doesn't give me
an inch for manoeuvre.
I am not allowed to be tired, grumpy, stressed or, for example,cross when it's bedtime for the children. It's relentless and there is no leeway at all

Please - don't live like this for a man. You have one life and he will make that miserable.

Shout . Withdraw affection. Ignore me. Scold me

Who does he think he is, a woman's best prize?!

Your mental health would be much improved without him. That's worth something. Don't end up crying in your elder years because you wasted your good years on a bully who takes pleasure in regimenting your life and brings you no joy.

Get rid. You weren't born with him you can live without him so start quietly planning. Alternatively tell him to STFU and get off your back (if you can do that safely) then refuse absolutely to be drawn into his whinging conversation about your "faults".

But you say he's "relentless" so it does seem you're best off hitting the eject button and getting him out of your life. You'll come to appreciate the peace, eventually.

Jeez this sounds like you’re meant to be Stepford Wife model & not working like you should.

Are you prone to snapping? How many times a day/week do you snap or show negative emotion?

People who are snappy can be unpleasant but also important to be able to express your negative emotions so long as you’re not bringing down the mood of the household due to a negative personality.

Gutful

Usually when I'm tired. I can get snappy. That's normally around 8pm. I'm
up at five every morning so get a bit tetchy at times.

I feel awful posting on here because he really isn't a bad person.

I just find him very critical of me with absolutely huge expectations of me.

It's very draining.

Stand your ground, be firm and tell him clearly you're not putting up with this. He either winds his neck in and supports you in a loving way or the relationship is over. Sounds like he's selfish and domineering

He has put you also in a heightened state of fear, obligation and guilt. All the words you write are those that an abused controlled woman would write. You are not allowed to be you. He enjoys seeing you cowed like this.

Abusers as well can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

How can you be helped to break free of the gilded cage he has placed you, and in turn your children, in?.

Just tell it like it is. He's not allowing you to be your true self so tell him if he doesn't like it he can sling his hook. No-one is perfect and he can't expect you to be. You should be able to bare your soul to your partner - I do with mine and he loves me warts and all for owning my faults and I love him for his. We're humans not robots!

This sounds a bit like my ex dh. He could not tolerate any of my negative emotions or struggles. He has some strong Asd traits and I think he found it hard to know how to respond and didn’t know how to empathise with me. He struggled to separate the emotions from the person. I was like a accessory or household appliance to him and if I behaved in a human way like getting stressed he would interpret it as me being “broken” or “having problems” or being “ angry and not nice” to him. rI’m not saying your dh has asd necessarily he could just be an abusive arsehole but if this does resonate with you he could look into it further.

You are most certainly being abused.
I would say controlled too.This is 2021!! You DO NOT have to live like this !!.
Thank your lucky stars you do not live in a country where women really really cannot end their abusive marriage.
I think you know what you have to do- yes it won’t necessarily be easy but by god it will be worth it in Your future ...

I get it, he isn't 100% a bad / evil person. But nobody is. But he is bad enough that he affects your mental health and makes you feel like you can't be you. That is totally a good enough reason to leave.

And you aren't a bitch, in fact it's so so important you find an outlet (here / a friend) to say these things. Even in a good relationship this applies. People's responses might or might not be helpful, but you need to start rationalising this relationship in your own mind to be clear about what is happening. Talking helps you do that.

You should be able to tell the children off when they misbehave. Doesn't he do that?

Obviously, I might not know enough about your relationship, but having spent years in being in a relationship with someone who was regularly grumpy, and always took out his temper by snapping at me (despite being soothing and empathic to him when he felt stressed or low), I don't sympathise with some of your post. I get angry, stressed, sad and cry, but I don't take it out on others by being snappy and irritable with them. If you were a man on these boards you would be judged very harshly for this. You would almost be certainly be asked 'Do you behave that way towards your boss or your colleagues then, or just your wife?

You should feel like your are allowed to be tired and down, even more so if you don't feel like you are not getting the support you need, but if you are just taking it out on your partner on a regular basis because you can, then sorry, no. Being irritable and snappy a lot has a horrible impact on the other person you live with and affects the atmosphere of the house. Their mental health will also suffer if you are unable to express your emotions in a healthy way or unable to communicate them. A partner should not be anyone's emotional punchbag whenever they're having a bad day. A lot of women have left their husbands because of this.

If you don't think this sounds like you, then please disregard my comment. Otherwise, you need to consider the effect your snappyness is having on him and the children and not think you can take out your emotions without it having a consequence on your marriage.

One of the key parts of trust is generosity. You can't trust your husband to be generous to you. As you say you have no leeway. It reminds me very much of my previous relationship where I felt I should be seen not heard. Just a reflection of how perfect he thought his life should be.

You deserve someone who asks you what is wrong and how can they help not step all over you for being human. He might have good bits to him but it's not the good bits that year you down and destroy your MH.

@kateshair

You are most certainly being abused. I would say controlled too.This is 2021!! You DO NOT have to live like this !!. Thank your lucky stars you do not live in a country where women really really cannot end their abusive marriage. I think you know what you have to do- yes it won’t necessarily be easy but by god it will be worth it in Your future ...

@kateshair I find the double standards on this forum incredibly interested. If a woman posted that her man was being grumpy, irritable and that he was snapping at her, she would be advised to leave him and someone would inevitably call him an abuser......but when it's women doing the snapping, it's fine and he's the abuser???

earth site
Are we reading the same post !!
She is saying he doesn’t give her an inch !!
She is saying she is trying to be perfect and it’s putting massive pressure on her - which in turn will ultimately affect her children.
Are you suggesting she just carries on ? What do you think she should do then ? Keep on being perfect !! It’s this sort of nonsense that keeps women in awful relationships as they can’t see the wood for the trees- she needs to hear different views from women who have possibly first hand experienced this sort of relationship.
She said it herself he doesn’t give her an inch - would you like like that ?

@kateshair

earth site Are we reading the same post !! She is saying he doesn’t give her an inch !! She is saying she is trying to be perfect and it’s putting massive pressure on her - which in turn will ultimately affect her children. Are you suggesting she just carries on ? What do you think she should do then ? Keep on being perfect !! It’s this sort of nonsense that keeps women in awful relationships as they can’t see the wood for the trees- she needs to hear different views from women who have possibly first hand experienced this sort of relationship. She said it herself he doesn’t give her an inch - would you like like that ?

agreed 🌺

Thank you for your replies.

It's really very tough for me to even write this down.

I feel guilty and evil and a total bitch.

He totally has his good points and is a great Dad to the children.

I am criticised by him a lot. As someone said upthread, it feels very much like he doesn't want to know any negative or stressful emotions that I may have or feel.
I am not allowed to feel this way. Or at least that's how it feels.
Regarding me being snappy, yeah I can be on occasion. For example, when the children are playing up at bedtime and I am shattered. He will scold me. Tell me I'm aggressive. Tell me that I'm
wrong in how I speak to them. Tell me I'm aggressive. Tell me I have issues etc

Yes, I do have mental health issues. I have severe anxiety and also depression. This has been diagnosed and it really is a daily battle to even get out of bed at times. My husband does understand this to a certain extent, but expects a quick fix and rarely ever asks me how I am doing with it. Sometimes, when we argue or things get heated, he will refer back to my
mental health as the reason for the argument. " you're fucked up" " you
have issues " etc etc

The home is immaculate, the children are well looked after, there is usually a meal cooked from scratch every night and we have a reasonably good sex life. So as far as I can see, I think I am okay as a wife.

It really is like Jekyll and Hyde though as there are times when he can be absolutely cruel to me yet the next minute absolutely lovely.

It runs very deep and there is so
much more.

My main focus at the moment is to somehow try to boost my
self esteem. I really don't have any.

@kateshair

You should feel like your are allowed to be tired and down, even more so if you don't feel like you are not getting the support you need

Maybe you missed this bit, and I also told her to disregard my comment if the rest of it doesn't sound like her.

I would advise her this (after reading that Jekyll & Hyde comment) -

Some people get off on other people constantly running around for them. They set ridiculous high standards for everything and enjoy watching the other person be stressed trying to achieve them. I hope he's not like that...if he is, I don't think this is a healthy relationship for you to stay in. Whatever you do, it will never be enough.

I'm quite concerned about this Jekyll & Hyde comment and that he's incredibly selfish. A lot of women make this Jekyll& Hyde remark. If they do this so they can psychologically partition off the bad sides so they can focus on the good. Yes, of course people are a mixture of character traits, but it's essential that you consider the bad stuff as an integrated part of his personality. It's hard, especially if there's a big difference. Often when women make this comment, the man is basically abusive. They stay for hears hoping he'll change. If it's calculated, sometimes they dangle just enough good stuff in order to keep the other person in the relationship. Be careful of that.

Do you have support around you. If you are unhappy, if it's just not working between you, for whatever, reason, it could be in your best interests, maybe all of your interests for you to leave. You deserve a healthy, happy life.

Just read your last comment which was posted when I was writing mine.

There should be no room for cruelty in a relationship. When people do that, they are no longer on your side.

Please contact Women's Aid if you feel like you need help leaving.

Oh my goodness

I absolutely feel so guilty over even posting on here. Literally am in tears.

I set the precedent for allowing this a long time ago. I should have set down the boundaries. I didn't.

No I have little support. Gp for my
Mental health so that's good and also a couple of other people, but they're incredibly busy with their own lives so I don't bother them.

OP you are human ... with emotions and feelings like all of us ... you are worthy 🌺

So imagine if he had to go away for 6 months would you feel relaxed or stressed that he's not there to help.

"The home is immaculate, the children are well looked after, there is usually a meal cooked from scratch every night and we have a reasonably good sex life. So as far as I can see, I think I am okay as a wife."

As another poster said this remark above is Stepford wife territory. You poor thing, no wonder you have mental health issues. I would guess if you were away from this man your anxiety and depression would melt away. You seem to be only in this relationship to please him? Or are you pleasing him because you fear the retribution? It sounds a little abusive to be fair. You are a woman with feelings and you have every right to down tools without fear and stop being Mrs Perfect and become Mrs This is who I am and deal with it. Stop trying to be this 1950s perfect house wife, no one can possibly live like this under fear of being shouted at and affection being withrawn...who the hell does he think he is? You are strong, you have a voice and you need to learn how to use it. I suggest you get help from either a professional therapist or go to NHS Time to Talk and self refer yourself. Get your voice back, boundaries back and assertive behaviour back..you deserve this.