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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

For those thinking of ending their marriages, I have this to share.

67 replies

Tankflybosswalkjam · 23/02/2021 16:45

Let me set the scene.

You’ve arranged to go out. You don’t particularly want to go and are not particularly blown away by what you’ll be wearing, or who else will be there. But you’ve still got to go anyway.
And it’s raining and cold. And you’ve got a headache or it’s the first day of a monstrous period.
And the house is especially tidy and quiet and fragrant. The lighting is low, everywhere is cosy. You have clean sheets on the bed, maybe a hot water bottle. Fresh cotton pjs are warming on the radiator. There’s a bottle of wine in the kitchen if you want, a good book you’re really into, and you won’t be disturbed, but still you have to dress up, and go and be pleasant. The clothes feel too tight, there’s a spot coming on your chin, the taxi is a bit late and it’s now pissing down.

And then you get a text to say the event is cancelled. Grin

You know that deep deep relief when something you just don’t want to do, doesn’t have to be done, and you can hop into bed and just breathe?

That’s what ending my marriage feels like. I was scared witless and yet it’s actually wondrous.

That’s all.

OP posts:
bombastical · 23/02/2021 21:13

This is brilliant

Tankflybosswalkjam · 23/02/2021 21:16

Truly it is. It’s been 4 months and each day without fail I have a moment where I’m hit with a wave of warm relief.

I had hung on and tried SO hard for years and years. It felt like stepping off a cliff. And yet it’s wonderful. There is life on the other side.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/02/2021 21:20

Oh my gosh I love this! When I first split with XH I was encouraging everyone else to do it as it was so liberating!! This analogy is spot on Flowers

Flippingthebird · 23/02/2021 21:24

I’m a long time lurker on this board but I wanted to pop up and say how much inspiration this thread is giving me. I need to leave my p I just can’t pluck up the courage!

He’s a grumpy moody abusive arsehole with a coke problem, I’m done, I just cannot get the words out of my mouth. I planned to do it last Friday but chickened out, I’m back on for this Friday, fingers crossed!

MackenCheese · 23/02/2021 21:33

Well done to you OP. Onwards and upwards!!

AnotherVice · 23/02/2021 21:37

Oh thankyou so much for this. I called time on my marriage a few weeks ago and am still in the difficult stage where stbxh is making me question everything. I dream of what you speak about though and know I have made the right decision.

Holothane · 23/02/2021 21:39

Must admit as much as I love dh I’ll never have another after if he goes before me, but love the scene set for this. I love cosy nights too.

partyatthepalace · 23/02/2021 21:39

🍾

TinaTurnoff · 23/02/2021 21:44

I recognise this feeling so much, though it took me a while to appreciate the solitude. Years, in fact, but tonight was one of those nights so Flowers

cupofteaplease1 · 23/02/2021 21:46

Thanks well done OP, good luck for your future x

Maybeonedaysoon · 23/02/2021 22:16

I want this so bad

Maybeonedaysoon · 23/02/2021 22:17

Well done for doing it. It’s sounds blissful

MackenCheese · 23/02/2021 22:39

@Flippingthebird

I’m a long time lurker on this board but I wanted to pop up and say how much inspiration this thread is giving me. I need to leave my p I just can’t pluck up the courage!

He’s a grumpy moody abusive arsehole with a coke problem, I’m done, I just cannot get the words out of my mouth. I planned to do it last Friday but chickened out, I’m back on for this Friday, fingers crossed!

Good luck for this Friday!
Catty1720 · 23/02/2021 22:56

Good for you @Tankflybosswalkjam and for doing it for the kids so many people stay in marriages for the kids when sometimes however hard it is it’s better to walk away

Nahnahnah · 23/02/2021 23:12

I love this so much!! I am 3 year post apocalypse and after the dark first few weeks the birds started to sing and I started to smile again. My self esteem, self care and love improved.

Flippingthebird · 23/02/2021 23:20

@MackenCheese thank you x

marly11 · 23/02/2021 23:51

Absolutely. I had lockdown one locked down with him, having told him in January after years of trying to make things better. I have had 7 months now and I am so content each day about the clean house, clean bed, calmer kids, the short but regular rest when they are with him, and the lack of constant irritation and anxiety which was my life with him. Like many of you have said, I spent hours on Mumsnet trying to learn from others and gain the strength to do it. That was an exhausting and awful window of time. I have never regretted it for one moment now I am out the other side. And when I listen to my friends groaning about the irritations of living with their DH and resentment at the mental load they are carrying, I feel utter relief at my situation. Yes I am carrying the whole mental load for my household and DC now in reality, but I am no longer eaten up by resentment that a so called life partner isn't an equal participant. Great post OP and beautifully written.

LindyLou2020 · 24/02/2021 00:07

Has anybody on Mumsnet in their 60's left their marriage?
Or know someone who has?
Whose kids have left home?
Whose careers are over?
Whose friends are friends of the couple?
Whose lifestyle would take a huge hit because of having to sell the house and fund smaller places to live for each spouse?
I'd be interested to know if it can be done successfully, because it sounds terrifying tbh.
A relative is in this position and asking my opinion, and I haven't a clue what to say to her, because I don't know anyone who's managed it and come out the other side, much happier.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 24/02/2021 00:21

Lindylou I’m 50, I have no career anymore, but the kids are still at home and we hardly have any mutual friends. Financially I have ended up in a far better place than I expected. But notwithstanding that, the mental freedom would be worth any financial cost. I suppose it depends what the marriage was like - mine was a cold miserable purgatory, constantly waiting for the next dig. He gaslit and controlled and harassed me till I didn’t know myself.

What I know now though is what makes me feel calm and safe and secure are really really simple things, like knowing no one drunk will be coming home to give me a mouthful. That the next 12 hours will be peaceful. That I can make the decisions I want, when I want them. That I can play loud music, and sing, and not go out on a timer, and eat and cook what I like. And that I won’t be run down and disrespected in front of my children, and that I’m mistress of my own household.

And of course I’m very fortunate to be in a reasonable financial position but what has solidified for me is that even if I wasn’t, there is nothing that could have made it worth staying.

We only regret the things we don’t do.

OP posts:
Florawest · 24/02/2021 00:44

Well done, it was definitely the right decision for you, I eventually showed my ex husband the door ( 11 years ago), am in mid 50's, he was abusive physically and mentally.
Glad he is gone, won't say the first year was easy but it's wonderful not to be walking on eggshells, youngest is 15 so still have a connection ( unfortunately) with him. Eldest two doesn't have much to do with him as he blew hot and cold and boy when he blew everyone hopped.

It takes well over the year to gain confidence again but for that lady with the relation in her 60's tell her to do it and join mumsnet and in time she will enjoy life again and maybe gain a few friends along the way.

I haven't had any new relationship's as I would have found it hard to trust again and couldn't imagine any upheaval in my life again.
Good luck all.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/02/2021 01:03

I hear you Flowers
It hasn’t been massively easy as was left with mild PTSD and two angry upset tweens

But totally get your analogy
NO regrets
And no desire to date either

gutful · 24/02/2021 02:46

What a great analogy!

The feeling of utter relief to be freed of obligation & having to put on a facade for everyone.

The sense of peace that your time is now your to spend on whatever you want to do

Sally2791 · 24/02/2021 06:07

Great story OP and I totally empathise with you. It’s so hard stuck in the shit relationship to see a way out, but my goodness it’s bliss to be out the other side. No gaslighting,abuse,manipulative behaviour ...
Cannot imagine sharing my home with anyone other than my children.

BlackbirdOtto · 24/02/2021 06:28

Lindylou I’m like your friend in her 60s. Just left a 20 year relationship, I had no choice in the end as his gambling addiction meant he was stealing from relatives.
I’m now unable to afford my home so not sure where I can live. I don’t earn enough to rent independently. My job will be ending this year, redundancy. So I will need to find alternative work , plus my youngest is leaving for uni (of course I’m very very pleased for her but will miss her terribly). I also felt relief initially but now I just wake up in a cold sweat of fear every day. I wish I could be happier like the lovely mums on here .

again2020 · 24/02/2021 10:51

Wonderfully happy for you OP.
I hope one day to feel the same Flowers