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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally having the conversation

43 replies

BarbiesWorld · 23/02/2021 13:20

So I've decided to put my big girl pants on and finally talk to DH to tell him I want a separation. It's been building for over a year and despite many a conversation about it nothing seems to have changed.

He's been on his best behaviour for the last 2 weeks and I can already see it slipping so have zero faith in it being sustainable long term.

Why do I feel sick? I'm shaky and tearful and literally feel sick to my stomach. But I know that it's the best thing for both of us and the kids.

Please can you tell me how you felt when doing this (where there's no abuse or infidelity)? Am I normal?

OP posts:
catmum2019 · 23/02/2021 13:25

Just reading your post reminded me instantly of the shaky gut flipping feeling I had in the run up to this conversation
Be prepared to doubt yourself and cry a lot after it!
Make sure you plan for everything

Good luck and try remind yourself why your doing it and what your life will be like this time next year x

Wakingup55643 · 23/02/2021 13:27

I need to do this OP. I feel sick every day thinking about it and I just put it off over and over again. I have also told him how I feel, but he seems to want to brush it under the carpet. I felt sick last night when the announcements were made about holidays etc, hoping he wouldn't suggest booking a caravan weekend. He acts like everything's fine but he knows I'm so unhappy. If it was the other way round, there's no way I'd want to keep someone in that situation. Good luck, and I hope you get some good advice x

Feelingchicken99 · 23/02/2021 14:58

@Wakingup55643 I need to do this as well,
Had the same thoughts last night Boris saying we can be normal and all I can think is making plans and not one of them include him, I don’t want to do family holidays he won’t suggest it tho he knows I can only spend a few hours each day with him and then sometimes it’s to much 🥺 god am sad

Feelingchicken99 · 23/02/2021 15:02

@BarbiesWorld good luck, I hope it goes well and with out to much upset Flowers

pumpkinpie01 · 23/02/2021 15:04

Sounds like your mind is mind up, and there is no sorting it out. You need to have the conversation sooner rather than later and dont be swayed by fake promises and tears.

pippakins · 23/02/2021 15:17

I felt exactly the same as you but I'd reached the point when not saying anything was the more difficult option - I was so tired of feeling sick all the time and I had stopped eating. Although things were obviously still difficult afterwards, the relief of having finally said something was enormous. It will be worth it in the end - good luck!

marsmars · 23/02/2021 15:19

Yep, been there too OP. It's horrible. I cannot say a lot to help ease the nerves or anxiety. But just stick to your guns. You sound like you've really given this a lot of thought and it's not going to come out the blue for DP.

Prepare to feel crap for a while afterwards, but in time it will ease.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 23/02/2021 15:42

[quote Feelingchicken99]@Wakingup55643 I need to do this as well,
Had the same thoughts last night Boris saying we can be normal and all I can think is making plans and not one of them include him, I don’t want to do family holidays he won’t suggest it tho he knows I can only spend a few hours each day with him and then sometimes it’s to much 🥺 god am sad[/quote]
I honestly think that last night was the kick I needed. I was so happy for DD being able to see her little friends at school and he wasn't bothered. And then I realised thay it's my 30th in the summer so I should be able to have an actual celebration and I really don't want him there.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 23/02/2021 15:44

Thank you for your kind words though. I'm at the uni library then have to pick the kids up. Praying thr baby actually sleeps for a bit this evening so I can get it over with 🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 26/02/2021 20:05

This is such a stupid question but what do I do next/first?

I need to apply for UC and speak to student finance but also need to find a house for me and the kids. My head is a bit all over the shop. Can someone talk me through the next couple of weeks please?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2021 21:18

That's going to depend on your situation really.

Where you live now, are you renting or do you own the house? As you are married, you have a legal right to reside in the marital home, even if the lease/deeds/mortgage/rent is in his name only.

Are you working? Do you have an income that will cover a rental for you and the DC? Do you need childcare?

Is your DH working? Do you know if he will want 50/50 care or will he go for less care and pay maintenance? That's a discussion you need to have with him, obviously.

Dinosaursobsessedson · 26/02/2021 21:28

Good luck op, i need to do this, have tried before but he wont leave.
Whats the reasons on you wanting to end things if its ok me asking?
will your oh not move out to save you uprooting dc?

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 26/02/2021 21:50

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

That's going to depend on your situation really.

Where you live now, are you renting or do you own the house? As you are married, you have a legal right to reside in the marital home, even if the lease/deeds/mortgage/rent is in his name only.

Are you working? Do you have an income that will cover a rental for you and the DC? Do you need childcare?

Is your DH working? Do you know if he will want 50/50 care or will he go for less care and pay maintenance? That's a discussion you need to have with him, obviously.

We own but only have about 30k worth of equity. I'm not working (full-time student and technically I've just finished mat leave last month).

DS does a couple of days at nursery currently and MIL is our childcare bubble. He's said he would have them 2 nights a week and pay 300 maintenance (which is about right for his salary).

So far I've worked out that each month I'll have about 800 student loan, 300 child maintenance, 140 child benefit and potentially some universal credit?

So really tight. Luckily we're in a faorly cheap area of the country.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 26/02/2021 21:56

@Dinosaursobsessedson

Good luck op, i need to do this, have tried before but he wont leave. Whats the reasons on you wanting to end things if its ok me asking? will your oh not move out to save you uprooting dc?
@Dinosaursobsessedson it's been a slow build of lots of "small" things that aren't that small when added together.

Every single thing in the relationship and home is my responsibility, he refers to any parenting on his behalf as "watching the kids for me" Hmm. I approached it a year ago to try and be constructive but he basically blamed our problems on my lack of sex drive. The communication between us is none existant and he refused multiple time to attend counselling together. I'm 30 this year and had a moment about 6 months ago where I thought, I can't live like this for the rest of my life.

In terms of him or me moving it makes more sense for me to go. The house will have to be sold and I'll have to go into a rental until I finish my degree and get enough of a wage to get a mortgage and to be honest, he'd fight me tooth and nail if I asked him to go. I really don't want things to get nasty.

OP posts:
Dinosaursobsessedson · 26/02/2021 22:02

It sounds v similar to my situation op
Xx

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/02/2021 22:07

Well done for getting it done!

When you didn't post again, I thought maybe you'd (understandably) bottled it & didn't want to post about it. Where is he staying now? Or are you both still there!

Are you sure £300 is right? Might be worth checking.

You'll be needing a good solicitor ASAP.

You've done the right thing!
Best wishes getting the legal stuff sorted and moving onto a better/happier stage of your life!!

I felt 'so old' turning 30... it seems so young now 😃.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 27/02/2021 19:46

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Well done for getting it done!

When you didn't post again, I thought maybe you'd (understandably) bottled it & didn't want to post about it. Where is he staying now? Or are you both still there!

Are you sure £300 is right? Might be worth checking.

You'll be needing a good solicitor ASAP.

You've done the right thing!
Best wishes getting the legal stuff sorted and moving onto a better/happier stage of your life!!

I felt 'so old' turning 30... it seems so young now 😃.

Thank you Smile

He's still here, it's all a bit bizarre to be honest, feel like we've entered this horrible sort of limbo. It occurred to me today I have no idea how or when to tell DD. She's only just 5 and I want to keep her as sheltered as I can.

It's just over 300, he pays a LOT into his pension 🙄

Turning 30 is a weird one. I feel ancient right now but when I'm objective it's still really quite young. Too young to be stuck in a miserable marriage. Another stupid question, what exactly do I need a solicitor for? The only money we have is in the house. I'm not interested in his pension - I have my own, not as big but not worth us falling out over them.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 27/02/2021 20:22

OP, you need a solicitor to avod being shafted. He may be playing nice now, but when he realises you are serious, he'll likely turn worse.

You have taken a hit on your career for the DC, and he needs to help provide a roof over your heads. A solicitor will ensure a fair settlement. If he's paying masses into his pension, then this needs taking into account in the settlement.

TheyIsMyFamily · 27/02/2021 20:27

Get a solicitor.

Pension needs to be taken into account.

Yes, you're young, but that's a family asset.

Dinosaursobsessedson · 27/02/2021 20:48

Are you married

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 27/02/2021 20:58

Thank you. It makes sense really, I just wasn't sure it was worth it when there aren't any assets or cash.

Yes, we are married @Dinosaurobssessedson hope you're OK with where you and your DH are at the moment.

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 27/02/2021 21:02

Well done OP

You need a solicitor - for your kids sake you need to formally agree things. Do you really need to move out? won't paying rent be more than the mortgage? If the children are with you they really shouldn't have to leave their home. Also paying into his pension is not OK as a way to avoid child support, it needs to be looked at properly.

Don't make the mistake of doing yourself down financially, just to have the relief of getting free in the short term - so many women have and they always regret it. Plus there is always the chance he'll find someone else quickly, have another kid or move in and start supporting hers - and suddenly they'll be no money for yours - happens all the time.

Dinosaursobsessedson · 27/02/2021 21:19

Thats better for you
We are not married unfortunately and i will be Worse of possibly without a car but can’t stay together for those reasons
Ive not actually said anything yet but he knows because he’s been playing with the kids 🙄he never normally does

Snowite · 27/02/2021 21:36

OP, your entitlement to part of his pension is a massive deal. Please do not underestimate this under any circumstances. Best of luck and well done 👍

NotMyPremium · 28/02/2021 03:07

I was in this postion nearly 3 years ago. I brought up not being happy and it still took 6 months to actually end it as I didn't know how to say it. This was after years of knowing I wanted to split at some point. I was just relieved tbh.

You are entitled to some of that equity and pension, that's what you need a solicitor for.

Now you've split you can claim UC even if you are still in the same house. I didn't know this for 3 months so missed out on months worth of payments.