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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finally having the conversation

43 replies

BarbiesWorld · 23/02/2021 13:20

So I've decided to put my big girl pants on and finally talk to DH to tell him I want a separation. It's been building for over a year and despite many a conversation about it nothing seems to have changed.

He's been on his best behaviour for the last 2 weeks and I can already see it slipping so have zero faith in it being sustainable long term.

Why do I feel sick? I'm shaky and tearful and literally feel sick to my stomach. But I know that it's the best thing for both of us and the kids.

Please can you tell me how you felt when doing this (where there's no abuse or infidelity)? Am I normal?

OP posts:

Feelingchicken99 · 02/03/2021 14:17

@BarbiesWorld
How are things?

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 02/03/2021 19:16

[quote Feelingchicken99]@BarbiesWorld
How are things?[/quote]
@Feelingchicken99 honestly? Pretty shit. I'm struggling to find a house wothin meagre budget, no idea how to fill in UC claim properly, falling behind on my Uni work and found out my car isn't fixable today.

Weirdly though, it's the best himself and I have gotten on for a long time. Like a bit of relief on both parts so we're able to communicate a bit better than usual?

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 02/03/2021 19:17

And the baby had a massive bump this afternoon and I'm fretting about a possible concussion

OP posts:

Suagar · 03/03/2021 00:53

@BarbiesWorld it sounds like you've been through a challenging time and it's easy for us strangers on the internet to spur you on in breaking up the family since none of us will personally face the consequences. You say there's been no abuse/infidelity. Have you both had couples/individual counselling through Relate or similar? Things that seem insurmountable can really change with the right interventions and the help.of experienced counsellors.

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 03/03/2021 12:11

[quote Suagar]@BarbiesWorld it sounds like you've been through a challenging time and it's easy for us strangers on the internet to spur you on in breaking up the family since none of us will personally face the consequences. You say there's been no abuse/infidelity. Have you both had couples/individual counselling through Relate or similar? Things that seem insurmountable can really change with the right interventions and the help.of experienced counsellors. [/quote]
Thank you for your kind words. I've asked for counselling several times and got laughed at. He categorically won't engage with it at all.

I remember being told once that insanity was repeating the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome each time. That's where we've been for a long time now and despite him having said more times than I care to think about that he'll change, he never has. It's not my place to change him if he doesn't want to but equally I've reached a point where I'm becoming more angry and resentful and really, that's not healthy at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 25/06/2021 12:52

I know no-one really cares but I was thinking about this thread and conversation today and how horrible it all was. I can't believe it was only 4 months ago.

He moved out and I'm so much happier already. The house is calmer, tidier and me and the kids smile and laugh so much more now there's no tension.

I've been asked on a date though and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand it would be lovely to put on a nice dress and do something without the DC but on the other it's only been 4 months since we decided to split. Feels like it might be a bit too soon? But then again it's just dinner and a drink not a wedding so what's the harm? Am I over thinking?

OP posts:

Honeypickle · 25/06/2021 13:33

Good for you! Go on the date, and have fun!

YellowBeryl · 25/06/2021 13:43

Go on the date, have a bit of fun. As you say it is a date not a wedding 💐

Sexnotgender · 25/06/2021 13:48

Go on the date! Have fun.

dane8 · 25/06/2021 17:18

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saraimg · 25/06/2021 22:43

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pog100 · 26/06/2021 00:08

People do actually care you know.
I'm so glad you are in a happier place. Personally I would go on the date but NOT get into any sort of relationship for a year or two.
I can't remember if it's been mentioned but that pension of his is very much part of the joint marital assets along with the equity.

Sunflowergirl1 · 26/06/2021 07:39

Go in the date but don't think of introducing him to children for a long time

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 27/06/2021 08:26

I went, it was lovely but definitely not having a second one. Once I'd relaxed into it, it was good to just be Barbie instead of mum.

I think I'm nowhere near ready for a relationship but having spent so long losing my identity when with ex that I'm going to start putting myself out there a bit more to try and get my sparkle back.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 27/06/2021 08:31

You need to be ok on your own first.
Well done for having that conversation, there’s plenty of people out there who need to have that conversation but can’t yet.

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 27/06/2021 16:44

So I went on it and had a really lovely evening. There won't be a second date - he's looking for a relationship and I'm really really not but it was so nice to be able to be Barbie instead of mummy for a while.

I think what it made me realise is that I kind of lost myself with Ex. I ended up giving up my hobbies because he wouldn't let me go and I just think that potentially a bit of very casual dating and rejoining some clubs could be what I need to staet feeling myself again.

OP posts:

Original poster

BarbiesWorld · 27/06/2021 16:51

@Sunflowergirl1

Go in the date but don't think of introducing him to children for a long time

I wouldn't dream of it. DD is a sensitive little thing and she's flourishing at the moment now things are so much more relaxed now at home. I'm not doing anything to put that in jeopardy.

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 28/06/2021 09:44

@BarbiesWorld

I went, it was lovely but definitely not having a second one. Once I'd relaxed into it, it was good to just be Barbie instead of mum.

I think I'm nowhere near ready for a relationship but having spent so long losing my identity when with ex that I'm going to start putting myself out there a bit more to try and get my sparkle back.

Yay! Well done. Glad you enjoyed yourself.

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