Dont know if I can get through this

[Doesanyonelikeme]

I've had to break up with partner of 4 years due to his MH issues. I've tried leaving before but always persuaded to go back
He has got worse,and picks arguments, is paranoid and suspicious, and can be nasty. But he can also be a lovely person too.
He is getting help for the condition but it has not helped our relationship.
He has nobody except for me and is hysterical and threatening to hurt himself which he says will be my fault. I have contacted his MH team but he lies and says he is fine.
I have not slept for days, I feel so guilty, I miss him, but the things he accused me of are dreadful.All of these thoughts are driving me mad.

You're breaking up for good reason.

You're not responsible for his wellbeing and you have really tried to make it work. Yes, it's very painful and he's doing his best to make it difficult, but you need to be strong here.

Consider stopping all contact. Unless you have children together, really, do this for you. It's just prolonging the process to keep hearing him out.

He is manipulating you with his suicide threats - if he was genuine, he would accept help from his mh team. But no, he's trying to emotionally blackmail you back with it, and make you responsible for him instead.

Ride it out. Things will settle. Seek support for yourself.

He is choosing to be abusive to you. Feeling sad and anxious does not make a person become an abuser. He wants someone to offload on and he found you willing. He wants power and control because he feels inadequate.

Mental health is not an excuse for being a dick. And you’re not responsible for his mental health. I feel if you continue with the relationship, he’ll drag you down too. Nobody likes to give up on someone and it sounds like you’ve given it your absolute all. But there comes a time when you need to put yourself first.

He sounds like a typical abuser , threatening to hurt himself ( they never do ) and blaming you is horribly manipulative. I personally think these people are so dangerous, you should block him , you can’t help him and if you go back you will be caught in this never ending circle of abuse.

You need to block him out of your life.
He is not your responsibility.

Speaking as someone who was married to a man with severe mh problems who did eventually take his own life- it's absolutely ok to walk away. Threatening you like that is abuse. Mh problems are grim and I feel for him as a fellow human being but I feel for you too. His life is his responsibility. Incidentally my husband would never have threatened me. I was frightened in the last hours because he was so ill, but he was not at all a violent or abusive person. You don't have to be this man's punchbag.

Thank you for your replies. Yes I'm afraid it is all emotional blackmail and manipulation. I'm struggling to walk away, its definitely out of sympathy and guilt, he is at rock bottom. I totally feel like he is " my" responsibility ( he has brainwashed me so much I believe it)
@PermanentTemporary how heartbreaking, that must have been terrible.

You are mourning the loss of your relationship, the relationship you would have had if he didn’t have MH issues. You need to go NC to help you heal.
He is not your responsibility.

One person's mental health does not trump another's.

You aren't sleeping, you're distraught, you've been blackmailed with suicide threats, you're being accused of awful things - YOU are having a mental health crisis now and the cause is being abused by him. The fact he is mentally unwell doesn't excuse that. It may be a contributing reason, but it's not an excuse.

To be well, happy, healthy and stable you need to cut contact completely and maybe get some counselling to process what you've been through. This relationship has been traumatic and you deserve to be happy again.

Cutting the cord and sticking to no contact is the only way to move forwards. It's also the best chance he has to get well too, because it means you aren't enabling him by being a safety cushion any more - it's up to him whether or not he uses that chance. It's not your concern any more.

Prioritise yourself now

Sometimes people need to reach rock bottom. Only he can help himself, by engaging with professional support.

A relationship with you is not a cure. It hasn't helped thus far, has it? Just given him an emotional punching bag and excuse to opt out of responsibility for himself.

You're not his nurse or therapist or mother. He needs to do this on his own. You're not helping him, it's more co-dependence. Walk away, however painful and guilty you feel.

@category12

Sometimes people need to reach rock bottom. Only he can help himself, by engaging with professional support.

A relationship with you is not a cure. It hasn't helped thus far, has it? Just given him an emotional punching bag and excuse to opt out of responsibility for himself.

You're not his nurse or therapist or mother. He needs to do this on his own. You're not helping him, it's more co-dependence. Walk away, however painful and guilty you feel.

I actually think that the relationship has made it worse, and yes I am blamed ( and so is anyone else who offers any support). He writes them off as he has a set of internal rules and expectations that people dont know,but then when they dont adhere to,he is furious with them for letting him down. He has now decided he " cannot trust " the MH people trying to help.

I had this with my ex. He was manipulative and I stayed far longer than I wanted to because of it. In the end I just had to leave and hope he didn't carry out his threats. He didn't, it was all part of his manipulative behaviour. He actually recovered from the relationship much quicker than me and was remarried as soon as the divorce came through - he obivously found it very easy to find someone else to feel sorry for him!

I just have no idea how to deal with this. He has told me that I will have to ring his children to tell them I " killed him" and says he has written to them explaining what I've done.

You need to stop contact with him, that's what you need to do.

He's being horribly manipulative and abusive here, towards both you and his (hopefully adult?) dc. You are not responsible for him.

Make your last contact one that tells him to seek help and that you no longer wish contact. Let his mental health team know you've ended contact and are concerned for him, and stop engaging from there.

Block and delete.

category12 has it completely (both posts). Time to walk away and go NC. No checking on him, no communication, just go. He is not your problem and you are not his whipping boy and having an audience is just encouraging him to keep performing for your benefit. Better for both of you to remove yourself from the scene permanently.

No contact now, at all. You must block him from contacting you completely.

Unfortunately no,they are not adult children!!! They are early teens. How awful is that??

@Doesanyonelikeme

Unfortunately no,they are not adult children!!! They are early teens. How awful is that??

Can you send one message saying you don't want any further contact, then block him on all platforms?

That way if he continues it will be considered harassment, in case he continues to be nasty or escalates his bullying?

Poor you. Let him hit rock bottom, he won't get better otherwise. He may choose not to do so, that's on him not on you.

His poor kids, hopefully it's a threat and he won't follow through but again that isn't in your control

You just to bite the bullet and block him everywhere unfortunately.

If a suicide threat does get through, call the police and let them know you think he is bullshitying but thought you'd let them know anyway and they can send an ambulance if they wish. It'll soon stop his nonsense if he gets in trouble for wasting police time.

You can also report him for harassment if you wish to. I would tell him explicitly that you wish no more contact with him and that if he gets in touch again, you will be reporting him for harassment. Then block him on everything.

Get yourself one of those ring doorbell things so you can see who is outside and keep your door locked. Also might be worthwhile to speak with womens aid.

You dont owe anyone a relationship.
Your mental health (and saftey) has to be your priority.

Block him and speak to the police that his threatening suicide. Speak to his MH team tell them as well and then put it all in writing.

You need to look after yourself you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped

Exactly what all PP have said, particularly @category12 and @Wanderlusto.

Well done for walking away. You’re clearly a very kind person and it will go against all your natural impulses not to go to him. But you must not do so. You must harden your heart against him because he is extremely damaging and indeed dangerous to you. He will make this as difficult as possible for you. You cannot help him. It’s his fault and his problem that he’s got no-one else.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - you only have this one shot. It is not your job to sacrifice yourself on the altar of his needs and it’s extremely unhelpful to you (and him in fact) for you to do so.

You can only help yourself and you can only do this by ending all contact. If you’re genuinely concerned, give the police a call and let them take it from there.

He sounds awful, you would not have to tell his children that! The narative when he is gone would not be one he can control, you will not be telling them you killed him. I would suggest that you raise concerns about any letters found for his children should he do anything could be damaging to their mental health and they should be screened by his mental health team before they are passed to the kids. I am not sure they wouldn't be anyway to be honest. Is there a way to start recording your calls with him? Tell him you will only communicate via email/ text? That way you will have evidence of his behaviour to pass to his team...

He has nobody except for me and is hysterical and threatening to hurt himself which he says will be my fault.

I just have no idea how to deal with this. He has told me that I will have to ring his children to tell them I " killed him" and says he has written to them explaining what I've done.

What a NORMAL person would do in the face of this sort of threat, is to dial 999 and tell them that someone has threatened to commit suicide.

It isn't your job to deal with this. You need to remove yourself from this whole game of his. You need to step aside completely. You are not special and you cannot and need not deal with this.

You do not need to call his MH team on his behalf, you do not need to beg him to do anything different. All you need to do is dial 999 in the event that he threatens suicide so that he gets the correct help.

You are not a trained member of the Emergency Services, and you cannot help him. What on earth makes you think that this is your role? -You have had your head messed up by him. You need to be clear now.

You need to make it absolutely clear to him that if he threatens suicide you will dial 999 as would any normal, concerned person.

@Doesanyonelikeme

I just have no idea how to deal with this. He has told me that I will have to ring his children to tell them I " killed him" and says he has written to them explaining what I've done.

Not your problem.

Block him.