What would you think if your DH said this

[Londono]

'D'H and I are getting divorced and I'm ruminating on everything that has led to it. A couple of the things I wrote down that he has said to me during rows in the past 12 months are:

'You are not, in any shape or form, a loving wife'

'You turn love into hate'

There's obviously context to go with them but the second one is the the one that is playing on my mind. Because it is 'You turn MY love into hate' it is more broad than that. I do have a counsellor I will work through this stuff with but I also feel my judgement on healthy relationships is so skewed now I don't know how to interpret these things.

I'd think "you twat"

Did you think you’d been a loving wife?

If he said those things in anger and possibly hurting he probably didn’t think about the nuance or lack of in it in the way you are when looking back at things.

The long term build up of resentment can turn love into hate. But only he can explain what he meant by it. Did you ask?

I think it's important to remember when analysing someone else's words, that other people can't (or don't) always express themselves accurately or honestly. They may be lashing out, wanting to hurt, feeling rejection, or blaming you to alleviate their own guilt.
I think it's more helpful to assess relationships from a learning perspective. What made you happy, what made them happy, what compromises were made etc.
Ultimately, we're perfectly capable of living alone. If maintaining a relationship with a man always feels like too much hard work, maybe it is?

Yes, I definitely felt I'd been a loving wife. There is a reason he said that but I have a counter view.

No, I didn't ask what he meant or even if it meant he hated me. He tends to rant at me when he is angry and I can't get a word in.

I think I no longer have any perspective on what a healthy relationship should look like so I don't know how much of this stuff is acceptable/normal.

I would think he is saying anything to justify himself currently BUT I also expect that at some point in the future you will look back and think " yeah I could have done x, y or z better ". If you are getting a divorce why are you engaging in this kind of talk with him ?

Oh we aren't talking about this stuff now, this is stuff that has been said over the past 12 months that led to the divorce and I'm reflecting on stuff now.

I actually think both things are pretty horrible things to say that I wouldn't ever have said to him but he did say them in anger.

I think he probably has someone else on the go and is justifying the affair to himself.

I'd think thank goodness I'm divorcing this massive bellend

It’s impossible to say without any context. Of course what he was saying could be completely reasonable. You could been exactly how he was describing, or not.

Either way he said quite clearly how he felt.

@VettiyaIruken

I'd think "you twat"

Why???

You don't know these people to judge HIM and not her as well .....

I'd think he was projecting who he is onto you. That he is cold, hateful, spiteful and cruel. Disordered people tend to project themselves on to people they are abusing.

I don't think there's anything to be learned from dwelling on things said in anger. He said those things to hurt you and he succeeded. Don't let them take up any more space in your head.

At one point during separating from my exdh he said to me “you aren’t special and the sooner you realise that the better”

Now I’m with an amazing DP who tells me and makes me feel special every day.

Hope you’re ok OP, this too shall pass.

I am dwelling because I'm trying to make sense of things. It is very hard to give context without outing myself. Definitely no affair. I guess all I can say is that I didn't think I deserved these comments, he obviously did, and I wondered on that basis how mean they are to say.

I know it is hard to judge on that basis. I will explore them with my counsellor too. I think the bottom line for me is that no matter what I think of his behaviour, I have never spoken to him like this about it.

I mean no one can tell. Maybe he was telling the truth or maybe he was saying what he thought was the truth or maybe he was just saying it to hurt you. You will never know.

@LittleRa - Thank you for sharing and I'm SO glad to hear that your DP makes you feel special every day.

I feel our dynamic was centered around me giving/doing/supporting etc and if he did so much as pushed the vacuum around then he was doing something 'for' me and that ticked his box. Rather than it being done because it needed to be.

He was navel gazing and looking for ways not to be the bad guy. So he had to find sentences with which to paint you are the bad wife.

He would probably call it being reflective.

But for that snapshot would appear to be completely lacking in self reflection. What he was being was a maudlin, self pitying twonk!

Oh I think he was telling the truth how he sees it to hurt me/shock me. I guess as I feel the comments aren't true or kind, how mean is it to say something like that to someone?

how mean is it to say something like that to someone?

Very mean. The first comment, in the right context,, may, just may, be an attempt to look at how to repair things. The second is just plain nasty - its attacking, blaming, designed to hurt and cut, full of contempt.

@VettiyaIruken

I'd think "you twat"

this

@Keepcountingyourfingers

It’s impossible to say without any context. Of course what he was saying could be completely reasonable. You could been exactly how he was describing, or not.

Either way he said quite clearly how he felt.

This. There's no context to the rest of the relationship or what you may or may not have said to him, etc. Impossible to tell.

I'd think this...www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?pg=1 Tale as old as MN time abusive entitled fuckwit monologue. Horrendously painful as it is, you're better off out than in. My stbxh didn't cheat, just utilised, life threatening, emotional abuse. As a very wise woman once said on here "he can't abuse two women at once, he's not some kind of magician". Just in case anyone reads link and their partner isn't having an affair. It's still domestic violence. Good luck.

If this is genuinely how he felt. Then it’s about exploring why he felt this and you didn’t. None of us can say if he’s right or he was just being mean. It’s not mean to say it if it’s true. But as to whether it’s right or not, we can’t say,

I would chalk them up as spiteful words, said in anger, designed to cause hurt in a dying relationship. And do my best to let it go.
Glad you have therapy support to talk it all through.

I have gone through two years of difficult divorce. And prior to that there have been a few years when the relationship went downhill and unhappiness on both sides grew.
So - this is my perspective on this.

People are different and can have vastly different needs and expectations from a relationship. So - at any given point of time - one can be happy and the other be unhappy with the state of the marriage.
In your place - I’d not bother much with what he meant and why. As you are not trying to work it out anymore - why waste time.
I’d focus more on yourself and figuring out what your needs are. And how you are in a relationship. So that going forward you can form a healthy relationship with someone else.

As these two things he said.

• First one to me is just an expression of how he felt in a relationship. And in a healthier relationship - the couple can work with that to figure out why one person doesn’t feel loved when the other one thinks they are acting lovingly.
• Second one is to me - an expression of hurt.