What would you think if your DH said this

[Londono]

'D'H and I are getting divorced and I'm ruminating on everything that has led to it. A couple of the things I wrote down that he has said to me during rows in the past 12 months are:

'You are not, in any shape or form, a loving wife'

'You turn love into hate'

There's obviously context to go with them but the second one is the the one that is playing on my mind. Because it is 'You turn MY love into hate' it is more broad than that. I do have a counsellor I will work through this stuff with but I also feel my judgement on healthy relationships is so skewed now I don't know how to interpret these things.

I had a workmate who used the phrase "in any way, shape or form" habitually, he was an absolute tosser.

Just saying.

Thanks for the views, it is interesting to ponder them too.

If someone told me I turned love into hate I'd probably wonder what bad poetry they were composing about me.

In all seriousness though - when breakups happen people say all kinds of stuff. I would take a step back from the 'words' get through this stage, and concentrate on yourself and your healing from this. Not his bad poetry.

Personally, I never rant.

If I see someone ranting it’s like watching Ben Elton on speed.

All logic and context go out the window.

And secondly, I rather like vacuuming.

Is it possible that he is narcissistic?
If so, then everything he says is designed to make himself look good and make you doubtful, about your way of being.

@Hippieinheels I know people don't like armchair diagnoses of that but it is certainly possible although he thinks it is me who is a narcissist. So hard to cut through to the truth in these situations.

@GrumpyHoonMain

I think he probably has someone else on the go and is justifying the affair to himself.

Oh ffs

You got this from 2 out of context sentences relayed second hand from sometime in the last 12 months.

Fucking ridiculous

Op, it might be better to move on and not over analyse every row. It does not matter what the internet thinks, only your ex knows why he said it. It’s his perspective and your perspective is different.

*Oh ffs

You got this from 2 out of context sentences relayed second hand from sometime in the last 12 months.*

Amazing isn't it.

OP so sorry you're having a divorce and you're hurting. I know how hurtful words can feel too. If I were you, I guess I would just think "well, this is why I'm leaving him. This hurts. It's awful. But the marriage is over. I'll get my life and happiness back again". It's not you OP. You're not a bad wife. Just a bad fit for him. I swear, for some men us women will never be good enough. Someone else in your future will absolutely and totally disagree with him and will love you. And that line about turning his love into hate? It sounds like something he has spat out in anger, thinking it sounds clever. So, the same would apply there for me. "Oh he hates me? That's why I'm leaving him then". So sad. Such wasted time and energy and life really. But you will be okay in the end. Good luck op.

Those two statements are designed to be hurtful. They also deflet blame. Are all of his ideas about your relationship like that?

I'd think he was projecting his own image into you to make himself feel better about his own shortcomings in the relationship.

@crackingcrackers Yes, it is the main reason we are getting divorced (imo) he has a different view.

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be horrible to try to have a partnership with someone who needs to tear someone else down so that they can build themselves up. It must be exhausting to always question the validity of your perceptions too. Obviously divorce is a painful thing, but it sounds like you'll be able to feel more stable (and hopefully confident in your own opinions) without him undermining you like that. What does he think the issues are then? Does he accept any responsibility for the break down of your relationship?