Controlling Mother

[CharlieBoo]

I’ve not ever posted about my relationship with my mum before but I just wanted to see if anyone has/is going through similar and has any advise.

Looking back my mums has always been controlling, she’s a strong character who is religious and from Irish/Catholic background. She literally wants to know my movements constantly, questions where I’ve been, hates it if I meet with friends instead of doing something with her etc.

I lost my lovely dad last year, and it’s got worse since then and I’ve been supporting her in her/our grief, having her over for dinner 2/3 times a week, talking her out at weekends. I thought I was helping but when I can’t do something or am busy she gets moody and makes me feel guilty.

It’s making me really miserable. Does this sound awful.. feel guilty for even writing it..

Not much help I'm afraid but I have one of those too! If I happen to mention meeting a friend for lunch/a drink etc she gets moody if I dont invite her. I very very rarely met with friends. On alot of occasions she will message a friendly "hows it going?" Type message and if she still doesnt get an invite she has been know to just turn up anyway and pull up a seat. Embarrassing as hell!

That's probably why I rarely get invited out by friends.

Sorry I have no answers, the couple of times I've tried to bring it up with her havent gone down very well.

@Imfromhere that did make me laugh but I know it’s not funny. It’s hard work isn’t it? Sometimes I don’t tell her if I get a day off now as she just assumes I’ll spend it with her. I have a full time job, a house to run, a 15 and 11 year old! My life is hectic and my free time seems to have been taken over by her.

I totally get it. Financially things changed for us dramatically due to covid. So where as I had a bit of time on my hands to spend with her before I now work 2 jobs, have DC, studying for a degree and like the little time I do have to myself to try and relax a little.

It's really difficult when you love them but they drive you crazy. She is my best friend in the world but it is very draining and hard work. If I have a chance to spend time with her I always do but it doesn't seem to ever be enough. Even whilst telling me she was worried about be running myself into the ground and taking to much on she still phones for at least an hour 4 nights a week. Like you said it is funny, she just cant see the irony!

Ladies,

What you have written is batshit but also of your own making.

Both your mother's are behaving like spoiled tantruming brats, and ye are giving in to it.
Utterly ridiculous.

It is NOT your jobs to entertain your mother OR listen to them for an hour most nights.

Again ridiculous.

How will they move on with their lives if their sole focus is on ye.

Ye need to pull back, ignore the moods and tantrums, keep reiterating how busy ye are and takingbthe space ye need for yere busy lives.

Be firm and they will get the message.
It is not you jobs to fix your mothers.

Stop trying to fix their lives.

Well that's sorted that out

This is really bad. I had an lrish Catholic mother and there is no way she would carry on like this. And l am a mother now of kids in their 20s .
They are completely out of order and ye should not feel one bit guilty for saying no or for not letting the moods get to you. Just act like you don't see the long face and do your own thing. Ye both sound like dedicated dds so have no apologies to make. I would lose the will to live if l ever had to talk to anyone on the phone for an hour 4 times a week. I usually would have chatted to my dm for about 20 mins a week and visited once a week. I know in Covid a bit more might be necessary but not 4 hours.
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward is a good book to read for handy tips for overcoming the FOG..fear, obligation& guilt.

@billy1966 you are totally right. It is completely Batshit crazy. Believe me I know! Also right about the tantrums.

Problem is I have tried so so hard to put boundaries in place the last few months (I needed to as I was running on empty and couldnt figure out where to find the extra time I needed in my day to talk to/spend time with her). She made me feel so guilty. It is really hard when she is my best friend and I love her and do enjoy my time with her loads. Shes good fun. I just dont have enough time to be with her as much as she likes and she misses that. I totally get it from her point of view aswell.

You're going to have to put in some boundaries and prepare for an onslaught of emotional blackmail, which you will need to detach from.

You are allowed a life, and to have time and friends of your own.

It will get worse. Sorry! Boundaries. They take constant work, I'm afraid.

Well that's all ye wimmin told.

CharlieBoo, I can totally identify with your situation. Same here, Irish mother, her controlling behaviour is long standing and she has always tried to control my brother and me via FOG. Not saying her behaviour is related to her country of origin necessarily. However, she does seem to hold a view that daughters should serve family first and she is dismissive of the fact that I work and am not available to her more although this is expressed passive aggressively rather than overtly. She told my brother she couldn't understand why I'm "always" going up to London (pre pandemic) when I probably go 4-5 times a year most and we only live an hour away. This would normally be to meet an old friend who my mother knows but still she resents that.

I have had to apply quite firm boundaries which has felt tough as she lives alone but otherwise feel she would drain me. I don't call every day, probably twice weekly. I resent her ungenerous nature and feel a bit mean about it but have come to the conclusion that she never will be satisfied and she resents my freedom and independence. I will definitely give Susan Forward's book a read!

I would reduce contact (and have) and I know this isnt easy. The guilt is so strong. But tell her less. Just reduce the time on the phone. Say mum I'm busy I will ring tomorrow. Then end the chat.

She can only control you if you let her control you.

Do you expect your own children to be under your control when they are adults - do you think they are obliged to take care of you emotionally? Imagine your own children making a post like this when they are older feeling full of guilt.

I recommend counselling with a good psychotherapist. I went to one as i was having great difficulties with my family and I felt full of guilt. I can see now that my family are enmeshed. Have a read of this - www.verywellfamily.com/can-a-family-be-too-close-1695789

Ye are too nice.

You have a choice to accept the guilt, believe it or not.

Just because someone tries to guilt you and make you feel bad, it doesn't mean you have to take it on board.

Think of your guilt repellent as a muscle that you need to exercise.

The more you exercise it and NOT take it on board the stronger the muscle becomes.

Kids do this all the time but parents ignore it.

Apply a similar logic.

If your Mum lost your Dad only last year she will be feeling very raw, her world will be small just now, and it will take her time to go out and make it bigger. You will both have to struggle through the “firsts” - birthdays, anniversaries and so on.

If your Mum is on the internet I would point her in the direction of the online support group called Way-Up - where she can read abou others going theough similar, and later get involved in online chat, and after lockdown even meet new people locally in the same situation.

The first year is very hard, and the second year still a struggle....but as others suggest above, you can just be less available in time and put in your own boundaries.

What billy1966 said! Seriously, boundaries! It’s not healthy for either party.

Thank you for your replies.. I’m in a situation where the more I do, the more she expects and I need to break that.

@Dappledsunlight I also have a brother, it’s just the two of us. She plays us off against one another all the time. Him and I are very close and he tells me sometimes things she’s said about me. I then feel cross because no matter what I do it’s still not enough. He of course gets away Scot free with a cuppa once a week! 🙄

Thank you for the book recommendation a and the link, I will have a read through after work xx

Setting personal boundaries is a must. That requires you to learn what you are and are not responsible for in relationships and what you will or will not allow others to do to you. You may have a tendency to feel responsible for other peoples feelings, but train yourself to realize that other peoples feelings are their responsibility not yours. This is a boundary.

Narcissistic parenting has probably affected you most by engendering in you chronic feelings of guilt and responsibility for other people.

Learn to notice the feelings of guilt and start telling yourself you do not have to act on these feelings. Just notice the feelings objectively outside of yourself with curiosity. Remind yourself that just because you feel something does not mean you have to act on it. Make a conscious choice to stop taking on the responsibility of others feelings, particularly those of your mother. Remind yourself that you are feeling guilt because you have been trained to be manipulated that way.

Never give up. Healing is a lifelong process and will take time and practice. Keep reminding yourself that enmeshment involves improper boundaries between two people. The way you are going to heal the effects of this in your own life is going to be by setting and practicing the enforcement of healthy boundaries.

Your mother is NOT your best friend nor should be viewed as such; they are your mother. The problem here too is that women like your mother are infact not motherly at all; they just want their daughters to keep on serving them at their now adult child's expense. They are takers, not givers and their love is absolutely conditional.

Agree 100% with Attila's summary. Such behaviour does not feel loving or maternal at all.

Yes, you need to pull back. You’re doing too much, you are not there to replace your father and entertain her.
I’ve made a similar rod for my own back with my father. Because of him having to shield I started ringing him every night and popping round twice a week with treats, but I’m still having to do it. I can’t ever see me being allowed to stop.

Read or listen to Danu Morrigan's book, "you're not crazy, it's your mother".

I felt validated after listening to that book.

I understand that my mother sees me as an object self. My purpose is to reinforce her self image and she is a martyr beast if i dont do that.
There is no magic solution but i recommend sitting with the disconfort
The next time you defend a boundary or say no, and that makes her guilt you with a martyred sulk, do not rush in with an olive branch to snooth things over. Simply sit with those excruciating ferlings of awkwardness and guilt. Let them in. Wait on your own with no more dialogue with her for those feelings to subside a bit. They will.

And then, the next time she tries to guilt you with a sulk, it will feel slightly less excruciatingly awkward.

My "D"M would stoop to emotional blackmail too and often tried. She also badmouths me and my DSis to anyone that will listen and like your DMs, however much time I spend with her or however much I do for her, it's never enough.

The badmouthing and lack of appreciation really helps with the boundary setting.

Whatever I do I know she will say something to someone else slating me and will only expect more of me.

She was also a pretty crap Mum and we suffered years of emotional abuse which also helps with the boundary setting.

You are allowed to say no to her and keep saying no, even when she tries to make you feel guilty.

@Imfromhere

Not much help I'm afraid but I have one of those too! If I happen to mention meeting a friend for lunch/a drink etc she gets moody if I dont invite her. I very very rarely met with friends. On alot of occasions she will message a friendly "hows it going?" Type message and if she still doesnt get an invite she has been know to just turn up anyway and pull up a seat. Embarrassing as hell!

That's probably why I rarely get invited out by friends.

Sorry I have no answers, the couple of times I've tried to bring it up with her havent gone down very well.

Don't tell her where you are?

[quote Imfromhere]@billy1966 you are totally right. It is completely Batshit crazy. Believe me I know! Also right about the tantrums.

Problem is I have tried so so hard to put boundaries in place the last few months (I needed to as I was running on empty and couldnt figure out where to find the extra time I needed in my day to talk to/spend time with her). She made me feel so guilty. It is really hard when she is my best friend and I love her and do enjoy my time with her loads. Shes good fun. I just dont have enough time to be with her as much as she likes and she misses that. I totally get it from her point of view aswell.[/quote]
I never understand the 'best friend' thing.

Best friends should be friends not children and parents