Controlling Mother

[CharlieBoo]

I’ve not ever posted about my relationship with my mum before but I just wanted to see if anyone has/is going through similar and has any advise.

Looking back my mums has always been controlling, she’s a strong character who is religious and from Irish/Catholic background. She literally wants to know my movements constantly, questions where I’ve been, hates it if I meet with friends instead of doing something with her etc.

I lost my lovely dad last year, and it’s got worse since then and I’ve been supporting her in her/our grief, having her over for dinner 2/3 times a week, talking her out at weekends. I thought I was helping but when I can’t do something or am busy she gets moody and makes me feel guilty.

It’s making me really miserable. Does this sound awful.. feel guilty for even writing it..

Yes a couple of my mum's siblings have been so ice cold to me over the decades, and so warm and friendly to all the other nephews and nieces. It took me a while to figure out that they are so ice cold to me out of what they think is loyalty. They think that i repeatedly hurt my mother. That im ungrateful, selfish, disobedient etc

@31RooCambon

Yes a couple of my mum's siblings have been so ice cold to me over the decades, and so warm and friendly to all the other nephews and nieces. It took me a while to figure out that they are so ice cold to me out of what they think is loyalty. They think that i repeatedly hurt my mother. That im ungrateful, selfish, disobedient etc

Wow, even more reason to step back.

No decent mother goes around bad mouthing their child.

OP, the more you write the worse she sounds.
Speaking badly of you to your brother?
Very wrong.
I don't think your relationship sounds that healthy at all.
I think pulling back will allow you to breathe.

She sounds domineering and controlling.

Don't ask for space, take it and let her huff and stew.
Otherwise I think you are backing yourself into a corner that will become increasingly tight and unpleasant.

This is not healthy at all and you need to set boundaries for your own sanity. It sounds like she might have a personality disorder, you should read up on the website Out of the Fog and take a look at the stately homes thread here on MN (in Relationships).

The fact that she's an Irish Catholic has nothing to do with it. I'm Irish and the majority of mothers I know from that generation are kind and loving, and have healthy relationships with their children. The issue is your mother's personality and character, not her nationality.

What's good enough for your brother is good enough for you!

Ask her "when did you last see DB? Well see him for lunch/dinner/trip out. Make some friends"

Definitely don't tell her about your social plans, especially if she's likely to pester while you're out or even turn up!

Random is totally right. I used to scrub the house clean on a Saturday before running errands. When I had two dc one after the other she shouted at me to call but not bring the dc as she couldn't mind them while I cleaned. I did it that time but totally pulled back. She also said they have one daughter but have told friends I do nothing for them. She also went for counselling and she read out a list she said the counseller said she should read out to me (I don't believe that)

Not a word is said to male sibling. It is so sexist. Now I hardly visit or visit my mil as its even more sexist. But I am ate up with guilt too. I still get calls to go shopping for osbsure things as she doesnt like shopping delivered.

Thank you for all your replies.. it really is helpful to hear other viewpoints and confirm that this isn’t normal. I don’t mean all Irish Catholic mums are like this, I am absolutely certain they’re not. I think her religion and beliefs don’t help the way she is and also they way her mother was and the way she was raised.

My mum is irish and church of ireland. She'd give the catholic mums a run for their money!
I guess she is like many people in ireland "culturally catholic" regardless of the extent of their faith.

Shame was deliberately used as a tactic in ireland, a way of keeping people in line. It will take a good few generations to iron this out.

Look at it another way; you please yourself for a change, she will doubtless badmouth you...but if you turn yourself inside out trying to please, you get badmouthed anyway!
The proverb which springs to mind is , "May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb!"
This is not just a Catholic trait; remember the joke -
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Don't worry about me, I'll just sit in the dark!"
Again, I generalize; lots of lovely Jewish mums out there!

Google FOG Fear Obligation Guilt. These are your mother's weapons to keep you in line. If you learn about it, you will be able to liberate yourself from her persistent control.

I think following the death of a parent, the automatic & very understandable response is to try in some ways to fill the gap & ease the loneliness...but if not careful about it, you can create a dependant situation where living parent then wants/needs you at their beck & call. You need to step back & create your space if DM is otherwise perfectly capable of minding herself. Keep quiet about your days off work, don't mention the dinner out unless you are prepared to extend the invitation or will say no if asked can she join in (this is odd tho imo...my DM would never have socialised with my friends). If ph'ing maybe do it when you are out walking & minute you arrive to your door you have to get off call or before another task/call so you can say I have X,Y to do & then do not feel the guilt when you cannot linger & be captive to the phone. If your subtle (😟) efforts are not working...then say straight out I am not available to come again until next week. I understand the 'guilt' but part of good parenting is nurturing independence so your children can forge ahead & create their own lives...you don't want your kids to be anchored to you when they are older with their own careers, families etc. It will be hard going balancing all the demands & keeping firm but if you don't this will be your life...until DM wants to move in (maybe..🙄).

@billy1966

Ladies,

What you have written is batshit but also of your own making.

Both your mother's are behaving like spoiled tantruming brats, and ye are giving in to it.
Utterly ridiculous.

It is NOT your jobs to entertain your mother OR listen to them for an hour most nights.

Again ridiculous.

How will they move on with their lives if their sole focus is on ye.

Ye need to pull back, ignore the moods and tantrums, keep reiterating how busy ye are and takingbthe space ye need for yere busy lives.

Be firm and they will get the message.
It is not you jobs to fix your mothers.

Stop trying to fix their lives.

Oooh, so glad you turned up.