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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend moving far away

31 replies

Velvetrevolution · 21/02/2021 20:07

Hope I can post for my niece. She’s in her 20s and been in relationship for a couple of years, they were thinking of moving in together. However, her boyfriend has got a job down south (we’re in Scotland). He only told her after he applied, although they had discussed that there were many more employment opportunities south of the border in his field which is quite specialised. He says he doesn’t want to split up, but doesn’t want to make plans for them to be together down south either. She could work anywhere. Is this a red flag?

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 21/02/2021 20:41

Not a red flag, be has just chosen work over her. He is just not that into her.

He wouldnt mind having his cake and eating it (visiting on weekends here and there or whatever his plan for some fun). But he doesnt want a serious relationship with her. He has no desire to compromise. And not even the basic respect to break up with her.

It would perhaps be a red flag if he expected her to uproot and move with him away from everyone she knew. Firstly because she had no initial say and he just expects her to jump through hoops that suit him and secondly because it may indicate he wants to isolate her.

Suagar · 21/02/2021 22:54

How is choosing work over her and not even telling her before applied for a job on the other side of the country not a red flag? .

OP, in your situation I would tell her my advice which is to always judge a man by their actions, not their words. SO many women go wrong by not doing this and would save themselves a world of pain and wasted time. Would also tell her that she deserves much better than being someone's half arsed option and not to waste her time on him (but obviously her decision to make).

Wanderlusto · 21/02/2021 23:10

Well I suppose it is, depending on your meaning. I normally associate red flags with potential abusers. But if you mean it as in a red card footbally kind of way then yeah it's a red flag.

NotAgainNoMore · 21/02/2021 23:49

She's only in her 20's, her life is only just beginning - although she might not see it that way atm.
He doesn't want to be with her, that's quite clear, so nothing to discuss really. Him saying he doesn't want to break up is a bit lame when he knows logistically it wont work.
Encourage her to move on.

BlueThistles · 22/02/2021 01:33

He's being very wise... he needs to find his feet settle in... without emotional distractions ...

It'll be okay OP... she needs to just let him get settled .. he'll miss her soon enough 🌺

Whatsnewpussyhat · 22/02/2021 01:51

What he's actually saying is he wants to go to London on his own and sees no future with her but is too cowardly to say it, so will string her along for a while til someone new catches his eye then text her to say it's not working out.

She needs to move on. The relationship is over.

CatAndHisKit · 22/02/2021 02:25

Unless he meant that he wanted to be sure he'll want yo stay there - is that not what he said? If he just said he didn't want her to move with him full stop, then obviously no future there.

She can find a job there Wanderlust so why would she be isolated, he would also not have any family there, lots of people move to new places away from people they knew growing up - that's not a bad thing, it's exciting. In tfhis case she's disappointed that she won't be moving, by the sounds of it.

CatAndHisKit · 22/02/2021 02:28

Sorry first sentence came out as a mess
I mean, unless he wanted to see whether he'll like it there and will want to stay longer term.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2021 02:29

He applies for a job, far away, when they were making plans to move in together, and now he's moving. Oh yes, it's a red flag. He's just not that into her.

grassisjeweled · 22/02/2021 02:30

Well, it's not a proposal is it?

Tangohead · 22/02/2021 06:57

How can you ask if moving to the other end of the U.K. and not telling someone if it’s a red flag?! Of course it is. She should sever ties.

TheWaif · 22/02/2021 07:04

He's telling her it's over without actually saying it. There's literally nothing else this could mean. He wants to be hundreds of miles away from her and doesn't want her to go with him. What is she supposed to do, travel to him every weekend?! If he doesn't want them to spilt up (which he clearly does) then it's a bit of a ridiculous fucking ask isn't it? What on earth would be in it for her to stay in a relationship with him?

ahsan · 22/02/2021 07:08

Dump him she deserves better

ahsan · 22/02/2021 07:11

Me and my ex went through similar in our twenties he chose to stay with me our marriage lasted 12 years will not end well she should cut her losses find a man who will not move anywhere without her

minniemoocher · 22/02/2021 07:35

I would be more charitable. He wants to see if he wants to stay wherever "down south" it is rather than be responsible for her moving too and then being stuck not liking it. If the relationship is right it will last for a few months apart.

CherryRoulade · 22/02/2021 07:39

After a couple of years, the level of dish would bother me. A lot. The relationship isn’t going anywhere fast. If they’re early twenties that’s not unusual, they’re young.

category12 · 22/02/2021 07:40

I thought red flags were warning signs for abuse, not just any problem with a relationship.

Here, he's making life plans without her input or inclusion, which means he doesn't view her as part of his future. She should probably take the hint, sadly.

DinosaurDiana · 22/02/2021 07:41

He’s just not that bothered about her, but wants to keep her available.
Dump him before he dumps her.

Sakurami · 22/02/2021 07:42

I think he's being sensible. They're only young and he doesn't want the responsibility of her upending her life for something that may not lead to a marriage.

I'd advise her to carry on with her life, enjoy it and see if a long distance relationship works for either of them. If they miss each other a lot then that tells them that her moving would be the right thing and the opposite if they don't miss each other enough.

My boyfriend in my 20s moved away and I followed a year later and we were together for 10 years.

Dery · 22/02/2021 07:44

Like some PP, I think of a red flag as being a warning sign of potentially abusive behaviour in a relationship which otherwise appears to be going well. Either way, it looks like he is running away from the relationship. Sounds like he doesn’t feel ready to settle down.

KatherineJaneway · 22/02/2021 07:45

Yes, huge red flag. He sees no future with her or he would have discussed the application with her in advance. She is a convenience at best at the moment, best for her to dump him now. He is clearly too cowardly to do it.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 22/02/2021 07:45

He is in his 20s and needs to build his career, she can’t expect him to stay where there is little opportunity for his field.

However, the fact that he didn’t discuss it with her from the off, and is not now saying ‘come with me’ suggests that he wants to either concentrate on his job and find his feet for a while, or is viewing this as a new start generally, but is too cowardly to break up.

What does he say are his reasons for not wanting to make plans for her to move too?

Does she want to move to the South?

FunnyInjury · 22/02/2021 07:50

Has he actually said he wants to split up? Pandemic aside, is he planning on himself/her travelling between?
He's in his 20's and might be thinking much more long term. Your OP doesn't mention what he thinks.

Could be bad communication. Could be him moving on without her. Hard to say 🤷‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2021 07:52

No of course it’s not a red flag. It means he’s rightly prioritising his work and the relationship is not at the stage yet where they are so committed she needs to come with or come first.

Sunflowergirl1 · 22/02/2021 08:03

@Wanderlusto
"Not a red flag, be has just chosen work over her. He is just not that into her."

That is a huge assumption. The reality is that for some occupations, Scotland is a land of little opportunity for someone young and ambitious. Lots of young people leave for the opportunity to earn a decent living and also better promotion opportunity....this was one of the key reasons why Sturgeon argued against Brexit as Scotland needed immigration as otherwise the population will decline.

Seeing him 2 years....he needs to make his way in the world and it may be that she is part of,it, but maybe not. He is being sensible in moving and thinking about the bigger picture later. Given that she is more flexible and could move perhaps she could discuss once he has settled a bit

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