Why do I attract creepy men?

[Enought]

Since becoming single 3 years ago, the men who have been interested in me have all turned out to be creepy slimeballs.

When I say creepy:

First - kept pressing me to tell him my sexual fantasies and kinks. Attempted to coerce me by telling me all about his disgusting fetishes.. Bombarded me with shirtless photos of himself. Convinced me he was falling in love with me. Tried to pry into my financial affairs. All while hitting on my friend's friends - he worked with her. It lasted 6 weeks. Ironically it was this very friend who introduced us.

Second - I met just before March lockdown.. so we didn't get to go on another date, but he made a effort to stay in touch online on SM. We met again when lockdown eased and then it all went pear shaped. At one point I began to trust him fully, like he was 'the one'... It transpires though, that he's most likely mentally ill - NPD possibly -and had been manipulating me for months through triangulation, hoovering, baiting, gaslighting, etc.. For some crazy reason I took to him (he was very charming to begin with) and I'm now left with a horrible trauma bond. Blocked him on everything. Deleted my OLD

Third - unwanted advances from my neighbour. We began talking casually when clapping outside during the first lockdown. I had never spoken to him before this..
He asked me twice to add him on SM, which I ignored, but somehow found me through a mutual friends page. I stupidly accepted his friend request. I've since changed my privacy settings, but when I change my profile/cover photos, he likes them and sometimes my comments too. I've been avoiding him like the plague for months.. even called the police to do a check on him.. why wont he get the hint?? I just seriously get bad vibes off him, he even suggested once that could message him whenever I want if I need someone to chat with. I feel like blocking him, but as he's next door it makes things a bit more tricky.

I've been doing some serious introspection on this, creating healthy boundaries and considering my ultimate deal breakers.
But what do you make of these experiences? It's put me off dating/men altogether.

Sorry, that's longer than I thought it would be.

Ok, so when the first guy started bombarding you with shirtless photos why didn't you walk away? What was your thought process - did you feel guilty for shutting him down? Not feel able to say no? Feel it was as good as you deserved? Not trust yourself? Not realise it was a warning sign?

When he told you he was in love with you after knowing you a matter of weeks, what then? Was that a warning sign to you? Why did you continue?

Prying into your financial affairs, then what? Why did you continue?

Basically, why did you allow it to last as long as 6 weeks when it was concerning from the very beginning?

Moving to the end with your neighbour. You've gone so far as to involve the police but still haven't blocked his communications. So you're clearly still struggling to assert yourself and establish the boundaries you need to keep men like this away from you.

The consistent pattern here is that people trample on you and you let them get closer and closer instead of ejecting them from your life. Is that because you don't feel you have the right to protect yourself or because you don't recognise what they're doing as wrong?

There's an element that predatory men target vulnerable women (and they will be able to see your vulnerabilities), combined with the fact that you're very slow to react to shitty behaviour so they have a chance to wreak a lot of damage while they're in your life.

What have you been doing in terms of working on your boundaries? Do you see this pattern too?

Those questions aren't coming from a place of judgement - simply that if you can understand some of those factors then it will guide you on what to do next.

Well the first thing that stands out is not that you are ONLY attracting weirdos, its that you arent listening to the red flags.

You accepted a friend request from someone you know made you feel uncomfortable, you continued with a relationship with the first dude who told you his weird kinks- why the fck didnt you end it then? the second dude you say you thought of as "the one" after only meeting ONCE in real life!

Now, please dont take this the wrong way, I am not victim blaming you. I get that you want to see the best in people. What I'm saying is: ALL of us have met creepy horrid men like this, its not just you- we all encounter it. The difference is, we dont give them a second chance. We cut them out immediately they show anything that sets our oddball radar off.
That is what you need to be doing. No second chances, no rationalising their behaviour, no dreamy "maybe theyre the one!" after only one date. NO. People have to earn their trust and that takes time and it takes noticing their BEHAVIOUR and not their words to ascertain whether you can trust them or not. Why do you doubt yourself?- the second someone makes you feel uncomfortable, listen to it! really recommend the book "the gift of fear" by Gavin de Backer for trusting your instincts and listening to your inner voice when it tells you that someone is not trust worthy.

Sadly... SM has allowed millions of Odd Balls access to millions of lovely people searching for love ... 🤔

@user18467425798532 Your questions do not at all come across as judgemental. I have been scrutinising myself over this.

The first man only started to get weird towards the end. When I refused to divulge details and send photos of myself, he backed off. It was only from reading on here that I now know he was most certainly a cocklodger.

I guess by not immediately blocking him after the shirtless pics, which weren't 24/7, was a naivety and inexperience on my part. I tried to justify it. 'He's from another country', etc. I have a stubborn habit of only choosing to see the good, as @AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter pointed out.

So, should I just block my neighbour then? I can't believe he thinks I'd be interested - he's hitting 60, I think. I'm completely weirded out by him. There's just something about him that gives me the chills.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter I do feel after these experiences that my oddball meter has grown stronger. I deleted my OLD account because I feel that is a boundary for me, to not meet and chat with strange men online. Another boundary would be stepping away as soon as red flags appear, to save myself unnecessary strife. Another, eradicating that feeling of obligation to participate when someone tries to strike up conversation (neighbour, especially). Another would be to stay empathetic, but not obligated to help solve others issues. See second man who was I'm need of company and friendship during lockdown. Am trying to adopt the 'not my monkeys, not my circus' mindset to avoid this in future.

I had been in regular contact with the second man, video chat and on SM. We got to know each other quite well online over lockdown, formed a friendship of sorts. I guess I was blinded by the little synchronicities we shared.

I feel like such a fool. Apologies if this all seems a bit disjointed. Typing on my phone and feeling quite tired.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter Thank you for the book recommendation.

Unfortunately until you start getting to know someone you don't know the real them, start binning off a lot sooner if your not comfortable with men that are overly sexual, just get rid.
Try and hold back a bit don't wear your heart on your sleeve, don't be thinking he's the one when you haven't got to know him well enough.
Easier said than done, I think charged ahead and did everything wrong when I stated dating, I will certainly be more reserved yet ruthless in future.

@applepiecharm Yeah. I'm realising that establishing boundaries early on is vital, as is walking away as soon as those boundaries are breached.

As soon as they show you the creepy side, ignore and step back. Don't be nice to creepy men

Women are conditioned from childhood to ignore their gut and always be 'nice and kind'.

Its bullshit.

It means we end up being polite to creeps.

Remind yourself, the minute someone gives you the creeps, that's your queue to freeze them out, ruthlessly.

Don't feel like a fool: we've all been there. It's a learning curve. You'll teach yourself brilliantly.

Watch that creepy neighbour though. Your alarms bells are ringing for a reason. 60 isn't that old -- he could still try to press himself onto you. Better to blank that arsehole before he's sleazed his way into your front room and he has you pinned up against the wall. Don't give him an inch. Or anyone else, for that matter. You don't have to smile, or be polite, or give anyone the time of day. You owe these fuckers nothing. Nada. Zilch. 'Staying empathetic' sounds like a shit strategy to me. There's a word in there... begins with a 'p'... Don't be that. Blank him. Don't even look at him. Let him get his wife or daughter or carer to fix his problems. He'll get the message. And if he doesn't, he's stupid.

The rest of them? Fetish guy? As soon as he started behaving in a way you're not into: you dump. No need to explain, to soothe his manly feelings. Block. Ditch. He'll try it on with somebody else. You know he's probably messaging another fifteen girls. Let one of them listen to his nonsense.

NPD guy. You met him IRL once, and 'decided' to trust him? Nah. It takes years to really get to know somebody. You know that. Don't be so... nice. Doormats get walked on. Don't be a doormat.

Anyone who tells you they're lonely. Nah. Normal people have friends, family, careers, hobbies. If they don't, there's a reason. Anyone who has 'problems' they're sharing with you within a date or two? Nah. You want light, fun, easy. As soon as it isn't... bye.

I think you're making a good decision when you decide not to chat to random online. I know that's how dating allegedly is, these days, but if it leaves you wide open for these oddments to prey on you, I wouldn't bother. It's not just you, you're not some unusual case or some idiot that needs to fix yourself: this seems to be how it is for everyone. OLD is a con, imho. There's all these lovely men available? Nah. Most of them are... ugly, married, weird, desperate, dangerous or dumb. Fishing for random dudes online is like... using a deep-sea dragnet. It stirs up all these bottom feeders...

Fish in the cleaner waters would be my advice. Date the old-fashioned way. Pretend it's still 1950. Ask around in your circle, who's got a single friend, a cousin, a brother. Let your best friends sister set you up. Or Jean from human resources. You're not looking for marriage, and babies, yet, probably, but you're looking for something special. Not just any old thing. You're choosy. You want the best. Where do you work? Do you have any hobbies? Look out for the eligible bachelors. Get the gen on them, find out why they're single, try to chat to their ex-girlfriends, meet their friends, their parents, their colleagues, before you do anything you might one day be ashamed of (grin). Sure, it's not 100% fool-proof, some slime-ball might still slip through the net, but at least this way you get a better chance to weed out the cock-lodgers, sleazebags and no-hopers before you let them into your heart (or your pants).

Good post above.

Definitely blank that neighbour.
Nearly 60?
That doesn't stop some men having huge egos and thinking politeness on your part is an in.
He has been pushy, that's enough reason to ruthlessly blank.

Stop being so polite with pushy wankers.
Anyone that gives you the niggle of a bad feeling, just remind yourself "this twat is NOTHING to me" and block.

Once you do this a few times it will get easier.
Your duty of care is to yourself first, always.

Do not take on the emotions of men in these situations.
You will waste enormous energy if you start worrying about the feelings of men you don't know from adam.

Ruthlessly block and move on if it's not feeling good and respectful.

Do NOT waste time pussy footing around after people you do not know or don't wish to get further involved.
Block and dump.

“Women are conditioned from childhood to ignore their gut and always be 'nice and kind'.

Its bullshit.

It means we end up being polite to creeps.

Remind yourself, the minute someone gives you the creeps, that's your queue to freeze them out, ruthlessly.”

@billy1966 has nailed it. This with bells on. And potential abusers play on this.

Honestly, it's not just you...

Excellent comments from PPs.

There are so many many predatory men out there.

It's best to believe they are all manipulative liars looking to get something from you. Because many of them are.

2nd reading The Gift of Fear.

The Gift of Fear should be required reading for both sexes during their teens.

Never forget - you do not owe men 'nice' if they make you feel uncomfortable.

I wish that was drilled into girls from school onwards!

@RantyAnty

Excellent comments from PPs.

There are so many many predatory men out there.

It's best to believe they are all manipulative liars looking to get something from you. Because many of them are.

2nd reading The Gift of Fear.

What a saddening thought, that we women have no other option but to assume and prepare for the worst. Advice which I shall follow from now on. Also no OLD.

Thank you all for your insight.

Creepy neighbour is lurking again. I don't even feel safe sitting in my garden or going out my front door for gardening.

Sitting in my back garden.

+1 for what yaboo said.

I remember, years ago, reading "How to find a husband after 30" (Greenwald). It said, be open about the fact that you're looking for someone to settle down with, looking for recommendations, and when people ask what sort of person you're looking for, just say:

   <strong>Someone lovely</strong>

That does at least cut out the men who exhibit dubious traits to family, friends and colleagues, so it's a decent start.

@billy1966

Women are conditioned from childhood to ignore their gut and always be 'nice and kind'.

Its bullshit.

It means we end up being polite to creeps.

Remind yourself, the minute someone gives you the creeps, that's your queue to freeze them out, ruthlessly.

This is so true! It took me a couple of ‘successes’ to learn to trust my gut, but I truly believe it’s there to protect us.

OP,
Do you own?

If you do built up the fence that he can't see you?

If he approaches you in the front, be extremely chilly/polite with absolutely no interest or engagement.

If you are gardening at the front, tell him you have to crack on or wear headphones while you work.

If you feel he's making you feel uncomfortable ask him to respect your privacy.
If he doesn't and he makes you feel uncomfortable call 101 for advice.

You do not have to put up with feeling harassed.

You need a better shark cage OP. Sounds like your instincts are good, now to follow through on them.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/