Why do I attract creepy men?

[Enought]

Since becoming single 3 years ago, the men who have been interested in me have all turned out to be creepy slimeballs.

When I say creepy:

First - kept pressing me to tell him my sexual fantasies and kinks. Attempted to coerce me by telling me all about his disgusting fetishes.. Bombarded me with shirtless photos of himself. Convinced me he was falling in love with me. Tried to pry into my financial affairs. All while hitting on my friend's friends - he worked with her. It lasted 6 weeks. Ironically it was this very friend who introduced us.

Second - I met just before March lockdown.. so we didn't get to go on another date, but he made a effort to stay in touch online on SM. We met again when lockdown eased and then it all went pear shaped. At one point I began to trust him fully, like he was 'the one'... It transpires though, that he's most likely mentally ill - NPD possibly -and had been manipulating me for months through triangulation, hoovering, baiting, gaslighting, etc.. For some crazy reason I took to him (he was very charming to begin with) and I'm now left with a horrible trauma bond. Blocked him on everything. Deleted my OLD

Third - unwanted advances from my neighbour. We began talking casually when clapping outside during the first lockdown. I had never spoken to him before this..
He asked me twice to add him on SM, which I ignored, but somehow found me through a mutual friends page. I stupidly accepted his friend request. I've since changed my privacy settings, but when I change my profile/cover photos, he likes them and sometimes my comments too. I've been avoiding him like the plague for months.. even called the police to do a check on him.. why wont he get the hint?? I just seriously get bad vibes off him, he even suggested once that could message him whenever I want if I need someone to chat with. I feel like blocking him, but as he's next door it makes things a bit more tricky.

I've been doing some serious introspection on this, creating healthy boundaries and considering my ultimate deal breakers.
But what do you make of these experiences? It's put me off dating/men altogether.

Read the gift of fear.

Think really hard about what it is your neigh our does that gives you the creeps.

Take your Neighbour off SM and block him and if he asks just say u have deleted your account he won’t be able to see that your on there still ! Never ever feel pressure to add people on SM ! X

I haven’t rtft sorry so I will assume that PPs have already picked up on this but here goes.

You are not attracting creepy men but they are picking up on boundaries which they are able to push against or ignore because they aren’t being enforced.

This is no way me victim blaming AT ALL - these men sound creepy and horrible and that’s the real issue here, men shouldn’t be so fucking entitled but hey ho.

What you can do is be very clear and strong with your own boundaries and when some creep tries to push against them then tell them to get to fuck. We are conditioned to be nice and warm and accommodating and this makes women unable to say no, or “I’m not comfortable please stop” because were told not to make a fuss, to adapt and bend and allow others wants to be more important than our own.

So whilst there isn’t much you can do about creepy men existing, you can be very fucking clear about your willingness to allow them any access to your life. The second you see those red flags, shut that shit down.

The shark metaphor is really helpful. Thanks. Will order The Gift of Fear asap.

I'm thinking about using natural reed screening to shield the most exposed area in the garden.

Good suggestion to wear headphones when gardening. Just need to find the courage to block on SM... I do need to fortify my shark cage!

Thank you all.

Look at it this way, better that he thinks you are "a rude angry bitch" than a walkover.

Any day.

Don't smile if you don't want to.

Scowl.

I think sometimes being smiley can give off a vibe to creepy men.

Channel a right cranky mare when you see him.

Stop being pleasant.

Scowl!🤬

Or an expression I love "wasp sucking face"😖

@billy1966 Working on my scowl as we speak.

Great advice from PPs. The only other thing I’d add is that it’s natural to look for the best in people and to give the benefit of the doubt in dating situations when you’re trying to get to know someone. However, as you get older, you do realise that your first impressions are generally right, which helps you to create tougher boundaries.

Best of luck!

@BlueThistles

Sadly... SM has allowed millions of Odd Balls access to millions of lovely people searching for love ... 🤔

Totally this. Couldn’t have worded it better.

Read Why Does He Do That? Will show you what to look for.
Read up on boundaries. Currently reading The Art of Being Selfish. Very accessible on creating boundaries.

Delighted for you👏

It's a great weapon.

I hope that you are able to use the suggestions others have given and that creepy men are not part of your life in future.

So, this morning while on Zoom doing a workshop, I heard said neighbour shuffling around on his driveway below my bedroom window. When I looked out he was just standing there, obviously listening in.

He's stalking me. 🤢 I feel harassed, violated. Still trying to build up enough courage to block. I'm picturing my stance (scowl, ignore) if/when he tries to harass me for blocking him. I'm fully prepared to call the police if he does.

What is stopping you from blocking him?
Keep a diary of any intrusive behaviour and if he tries to engage you in conversation, tell him that you do not wish to talk to him. Let him know that you will report for harassment if his behaviour continues.

@Ruminating2020 What's stopping me is it makes me worry even more about going out front - to my garage, garden, put the recycling/rubbish out. About being harassed.

He's around 60 and lives with his parents - moved in beginning of last lockdown. The parents have always been good neighbours. Didn't mention this to begin with as it's potentially outing.

Could you go to the police again about his behaviour? At least then you let him know that you are being consistent.

You shouldn't feel trapped in your own home . Continue to tell him you're not interested or simply don't engage and fire a scowl if he tries to talk to you.

You poor woman.

Unfortunately the only person who can help you, is you with SM.

You have to block him.

He is allowed to stand on his drive.

But perhaps call 101 and ask for advice.

You will have to ask him to respect your privacy and for him to ignore that for 101 to call to him I would imagine.

Do not give him mixed messages.

He creeps you out so no interaction other than "respect my privacy and leave me alone please".

If that is ignored, then you can ask tge police to intervene.

Any other neighbours you can ask about him?

Nobody has a right to connect with you on social media OP. Block him and tell him if he asks: "Yes, I had a clear out. I have enough friends and family in real life without engaging with a bunch of ransoms in a virtual world."
Look him straight in the eye as you say it.
You need to start bracing confrontation if it is standing up for yourself.

Have a look at the freedom programme as it gives some REALY clear explanations for your behaviours but also gives strategies to overcome them. As a Pp said, it's a combination of not noticing the red flags then not walking away immediately and with confidence.

Thank you everyone. This afternoon I've been researching the laws on stalking and harassment. This situation seems to be a text book one.

I've blocked dodgy people before, so I know I can do it again. I can't believe how wide the range of weirdos is out there.

I have blocked! Report back: fuck off!

Well done.

Well done OP.

Fantastic progress.👏👏