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Original poster

No sex life partner blames me 100%

29 replies

Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 15:07

Me and my partner do not live together. We have children of mixed ages ie primary school to secondary. Hes over 2-3/4 nights a week depending on his work. My house is small and I have no choice but to sleep in the living room on a sofa bed.

We have not had sex for several months. Some of it is down to me. I don't like the way I look. I feel ugly. My teeth are not as they should be and I have lost some. There is a reason for it. I forget what the dentist said its called. But im also very scared of the dentist. ( to deep to go into) then I'm pretty over weight I'm 5.6 and 15st 7. Im trying to change that though and do feel positive about making that change 🤞 so I just feel really ugly. Then there's the fact I sleep in the living room. I'm really scared one of the kids will hear us. The toilet is down stairs in my house so there's a good chance if the kids hearing.. he wants to be in bed by 10.30-11pm my older kids are awake at that time and I just can't even thinking about having sex knowing my kids are awake. Partner has a hearing problem so I don't think he's aware of the noise. So alot of it is down to me.

But my partner does not seem to own anything. It's all my fault. He has a problem with erections. He was told that this could happen when he had the snip. But he tells me he gets erections its only when he's with me that he can't. He says it's because when he's with me his body is so used to going without that it just does not work. There have been sometimes I have made the effort to have sex. Partner does make sure I'm ok sexually. But then after that he cant get an erection so then I'm thinking I only did it because he wanted to. And then in the end he cant anyway so what's the point ? We have looked into viagra. But one of the side effects is dizziness. Partner has a small tumour on his brain that has made his hearing worse and can make him dizzy so he does not want to take the viagra. Which I totally 100% understand and I would not want him to take it either.

Couple days ago I got up around 6am to go to the toilet and got back into bed fell right back to sleep.. when we both woke I was getting bad vibes so I asked him what was wrong. And he said when I got up to go to the toilet he thought i was going to freshen up so we could have sex. I never even knew he was awake. And I told him he should have said something I'm not mind reader . Then he was going on how I make it even more difficult because I'm Wearing pj's in bed...

I totally own my part of it and I told him I would put more effort in. But I feel like I'm being totally blamed and him saying he can get erections when he's not with me maybe it is my fault.

Sorry its so long

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 21/02/2021 15:09

Maybe it's time to take a break.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2021 15:10

Your relationship sounds terrible, sex or no sex. Get rid of him and focus on yourself.

KirstenBlest · 21/02/2021 15:12

You can get your teeth fixed. Find a dentist who you like. Mine is lovely and I say that as someone who is terrified of needles.

You can lose weight. Walking is free, and the fresh air an exercise will make you feel better about yourself.

Bin the boyfriend.

pinkyredrose · 21/02/2021 15:14

He sounds awful. You should have your own space though, can your kids not bunk up so that you could have your own room?

adventurealice · 21/02/2021 15:48

He sounds like he’s falling apart tbh you could do a lot better

Haffiana · 21/02/2021 15:54

But he tells me he gets erections its only when he's with me that he can't. He says it's because when he's with me his body is so used to going without that it just does not work.

Please do not waste your life on a man who blames you for his sexual problems. It won't be just sex he does this with - I can bet he is like this with other things. It is massively hurtful and disrespectful.

He doesn't make you feel good in other areas of your life either, so what on earth is the point of him?

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 16:11

@Haffiana

But he tells me he gets erections its only when he's with me that he can't. He says it's because when he's with me his body is so used to going without that it just does not work.

Please do not waste your life on a man who blames you for his sexual problems. It won't be just sex he does this with - I can bet he is like this with other things. It is massively hurtful and disrespectful.

He doesn't make you feel good in other areas of your life either, so what on earth is the point of him?

It is just the sex side. He's always telling me he loves me. And he's not worried about my weight or teeth etc. He says he loves my personality how i make him laugh i make him happy etc. He does show effection as well. He's always saying he loves me but I rarely say it to him. It's not that I don't love him I just don't say it much. But he says it everyday several times a day.

I did message him a short while ago and said he needs to stop putting the blame on me for the sexual issues. As its pushing Me further away. And not one person is to blame and we need to work on it together. He replied : yes we will work together ❤

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 16:15

@KirstenBlest

You can get your teeth fixed. Find a dentist who you like. Mine is lovely and I say that as someone who is terrified of needles.

You can lose weight. Walking is free, and the fresh air an exercise will make you feel better about yourself.

Bin the boyfriend.

I dont think someone who has to sleep in her living room due to lack of adequate sleeping space. Is going to be someone who can spend thousands at the dentist. Hmm

Op, can you stay at his? Why is he always at yours? And so frequently? Do your children ever go to their fathers? Can he stay over on those nights? Is he still treating you well?

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 16:16

He's always telling me he loves me.

He says a lot this guy, doesn't he?

What does he DO to show you he loves you?

Wanderlusto · 21/02/2021 16:29

Do you need him?

I mean I'm of the opinion that unless it's the father of your child, the only point in having a partner us if they are100 percent compatable for you and make your life easier, happier and better.

He kinda just sounds a bit annoying.
Maybe you should bin him and look again/stay single.

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 16:30

@Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

He's always telling me he loves me.

He says a lot this guy, doesn't he?

What does he DO to show you he loves you?

It's hard to explain it's just in his body language and the vibe he gives. He buys me nice things as well. Basically if I could remove the sex issue there pretty much would not be any problems with us.
OP posts:
Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 16:37

@Wanderlusto

Do you need him?

I mean I'm of the opinion that unless it's the father of your child, the only point in having a partner us if they are100 percent compatable for you and make your life easier, happier and better.

He kinda just sounds a bit annoying.
Maybe you should bin him and look again/stay single.

He is my children's father. We do get on it's just this sexual part of it. And (some) 0f it is down to me. But he also needs to own his part. If he cant do anything about his erection problem at the moment that is fine. But he cant put that onto me. I have told him that him blaming me is pushing me away. So basically if it carrys on I will have to think about ending the relationship.
OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 21/02/2021 16:47

He is my children's father.

Err what?!

Is there a particular reason he lives somewhere else, leaves you to do the shitwork of bringing up his children, then just visits for food and hopefully sex?!

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 16:50

@YoniAndGuy

He is my children's father.

Err what?!

Is there a particular reason he lives somewhere else, leaves you to do the shitwork of bringing up his children, then just visits for food and hopefully sex?!

I don't really want to go into the complications of that. It's actually me that made the decision not to live together.
OP posts:
User27aw · 21/02/2021 16:52

Where does he live the rest of the week? Did he ever live with you?

yvanka · 21/02/2021 16:56

You have secondary age kids with this man and he doesn't live with you?

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 16:58

@yvanka

You have secondary age kids with this man and he doesn't live with you?
Hes only dad to the 2 youngst.
OP posts:
yvanka · 21/02/2021 17:51

Your partner is certainly responsible for his lack of erection, but he can't do anything about your low self esteem and fear of the kids hearing. There are alternatives to viagra out there, has he seen a doctor?

It sounds like a very complicated situation and it's difficult to advise without knowing details like why you don't live together, why you're scared of the dentist, why you don't have a bedroom.

On the surface your lack of interest in sex is understandable, but it's the result of the situation you're in and that's what needs to change. It is not a case of "putting more effort in" to wanting sex, you need to be making steps to get your teeth fixed and lose weight, as well as move somewhere you can have your own room, as that seems to be the main issue (this might not be possible so apologies if so, like I said it's difficult to advise without knowing the details).

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 18:34

@yvanka

Your partner is certainly responsible for his lack of erection, but he can't do anything about your low self esteem and fear of the kids hearing. There are alternatives to viagra out there, has he seen a doctor?

It sounds like a very complicated situation and it's difficult to advise without knowing details like why you don't live together, why you're scared of the dentist, why you don't have a bedroom.

On the surface your lack of interest in sex is understandable, but it's the result of the situation you're in and that's what needs to change. It is not a case of "putting more effort in" to wanting sex, you need to be making steps to get your teeth fixed and lose weight, as well as move somewhere you can have your own room, as that seems to be the main issue (this might not be possible so apologies if so, like I said it's difficult to advise without knowing the details).

Thank you for your post. Your right he cant change how I feel about myself. Which is why I own it. And he has tried to be reassuring there is not much else he can do as that's my thing that I need to work on.

But... I can't also be the blame for his errection problems so he needs to own that without putting it onto me. Other wise it's all on me the problems I feel about myself plus his stuff as well.

Hes not been to the doctor about it.

The house thing can't change for a while.

OP posts:
yvanka · 21/02/2021 18:52

He says it's because when he's with me his body is so used to going without that it just does not work.

His feelings are valid, even if you don't agree with them. There's no point trying to get him to accept the blame as you'll only end up arguing, he may even be right in that there's a link between all the issues - I'd find it difficult to maintain an erection if my partner did not seem to be enjoying herself due to low self esteem, or there was a worry about the kids walking in. Just try to see it from his perspective and see past the 'blame' to what he's actually trying to say.

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 19:28

@yvanka

He says it's because when he's with me his body is so used to going without that it just does not work.

His feelings are valid, even if you don't agree with them. There's no point trying to get him to accept the blame as you'll only end up arguing, he may even be right in that there's a link between all the issues - I'd find it difficult to maintain an erection if my partner did not seem to be enjoying herself due to low self esteem, or there was a worry about the kids walking in. Just try to see it from his perspective and see past the 'blame' to what he's actually trying to say.

I kind of get what your saying but he has put ( everything) down to me . Even to the fact that a few nights ago he was asleep within 5 mins and expects me to know he wanted to have sex. Same early hours of the morning I got up for the toilet and got in bed went straight back to sleep. Hes silent never said a word and I'm meant to know.
OP posts:
yvanka · 21/02/2021 19:40

Yes that isn't fair. Clearly he just wants more sex in general though and he's expressing that badly? He is sick of being rejected so hopes you'll pick up on 'hints' that aren't actually clear to you at all.

Original poster
Onahotsummernight · 21/02/2021 20:04

Rejected? But actually being horrible to me is not going to help. It's my fault he can't get an erection? When he's with me. ( that's going to make me feel shit in its self) and when we do have sex he makes sure I'm ok sexually then he caht get an erection so he gives up and he gets really annoyed. Then I have to lay in bed with awful vibes from him. One time he told me it's because I have had more partners than him so I make him feel inadequate. Maybe it is me I don't know

OP posts:
Haffiana · 21/02/2021 20:53

@Onahotsummernight

Rejected? But actually being horrible to me is not going to help. It's my fault he can't get an erection? When he's with me. ( that's going to make me feel shit in its self) and when we do have sex he makes sure I'm ok sexually then he caht get an erection so he gives up and he gets really annoyed. Then I have to lay in bed with awful vibes from him. One time he told me it's because I have had more partners than him so I make him feel inadequate. Maybe it is me I don't know
OP, you are kind of doing a 180 degree turnaround in this thread.

What do you actually want to happen? It seems to me that you need to speak to him about all this stuff. Communication is key here.

He has ED, and he is blaming you for it. That is unacceptable because it makes you feel shit and you need to tell him that.

I can sort of understand that it must worry him so much that he cannot get an erection that he is lashing out, but you need to simply tell him that it needs to stop. You don't have to feel guilty or think it is your fault - he clearly wants to have sex with you it seems, but he just can't. He has a physical problem. It happens to many men for many reasons and it is usually fixable.

Whether he wants to see a doctor is up to him though. You can only support him in this, but not insist.

Please be clear though - if at any time he wants sex and you do not FOR ANY REASON whether it is the children or your teeth or just 'cos, it is also OK for you to tell him no. It is completely unacceptable for him to sulk at you about it, and you need to tell him that also. I would tell him the truth - that his 'bad vibes' cause you to completely go off him sexually, as it does for almost all women.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 21:29

Are you claiming benefits as a single person? Yet in a relationship with your children’s father? Which is why he cannot move in? Or is there a problem with him and the older children?

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