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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I’ve been dumped

86 replies

Ricekrispiess · 21/02/2021 06:54

Hi all,
Please go gentle on me I’ve been having a really tough time in this lockdown. Cut a long story short, been arguing a lot with (now ex) DP. About once a week - over really silly things. I told him I had been feeling really depressed with this lockdown, and during the convo he said “your completely different today compared to Wednesday”. I took offence to this, as I felt he was implying I can’t have different moods on different days. I am a editable atm feeling like a caged animal and said back “well if you don’t like it then F off”. He proceeded to pack his stuff and leave. He goes home and likes a girls provocative photo n Instagram. This is a boundary for me, my ex cheated via social media and he knows this. Don’t mind liking girls photos who are your friend, but provocative pics triggers bad memories for me and he knows this. My ex was very abusive and would deliberately try to make me feel insecure my getting his phone and pointing out girls and comparing me to them. It really took its toll on me and I considered suicide at the time cos I felt so worthless. So when I first got with dp I explained this is a boundary for me, I don’t mind liking friends pics etc but provocative pics is a trigger for me. Anyways I ended up letting it slide that DP liked this provocative pic, as he was drunk and thought we were over. Then on Valentine’s Day we had a little bicker over nothing and he ended things with me, but told me he said it in the heat of the moment and took it back soon after. Said he did want to be with me. Still done damage to me and made me feel insecure. At the start of our relationship, I found out DP had “”liked” this other girls provocative photo on Instagram when we first got together, I asked him who she was, he said a friend. So at that point I explained how my ex had been very emotionally manipulative and abusive making me jealous and insecure on purpose with other girls on Instagram in a way to control me, and it was a boundary of mine going forward. When we were talking the other day and I was opening up more about my past abusive relationship, the subject got brought up again. He admitted that the girl who’s pic he liked is not actually a friend, but a girl he slept with a couple years ago. I was quite miffed why he’d lie, and he said it was early doors and he didn’t want to put me off. He ended up deleting this girl off Instagram for which I was grateful. Fast forward a week, had a brilliant night Friday and drink was involved and he took something I said the wrong way. He then told me today it’s for the best that we split up. I’ve obviously told my best friend he’s split up with me, and she went on Instagram and said he had blocked her. I thought that was weird. Call it gut instinct but I have an account for DD and went on it to see and noticed he’d followed this girl again. This girl he slept with 2 years ago?? I just don’t understand why he’d do this and it’s made me feel really really insecure. This is a girl who’s he’s not spoken to in 2 years but as soon as he splits with me he adds her on Instagram. It just makes me feel like I’m never good enough and wonder what’s the point

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NotAgainNoMore · 21/02/2021 13:54

Your previous ex sounds horrendous and your current ex not much better.
Change your therapist.
Don't have another relationship until you've worked through everything and can be more assertive.
You deserve better.

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Ricekrispiess · 21/02/2021 14:28

Thanks everyone for your opinion and suggestions. I agree I need to work on myself and have no self esteem which causes me insecurities in new relationships. I’m upset as I feel like I’ve ruined something which was good. He said to me I can’t control what he does and that’s why he added that girl after he split up with me. I did actually trust him in the relationship, but I would self sabotage it. I’m just not a happy person with life and sometimes I feel like giving up as I never seem to be happy, even when the other person is good for me. I ruin things and can’t seem to stop. My therapist has never really done anything to help me heal from my past. I’ve been told it was their fault, and to write a letter (but not send it) to get my thoughts out to them. Hasn’t helped.

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Sonicbloom · 21/02/2021 14:34

I honestly don’t think he sounds that good from your description. Don’t put it all on you . However, do try other forms of therapy and don’t give up x

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Dery · 21/02/2021 14:42

Talking therapies alone aren’t always enough. You sound very stuck. In addition to talking therapy, you would probably benefit from being outdoors, exercising (more - if you’re doing so already), perhaps taking up a specific sport - maybe even a martial art - and throwing yourself into some interests which really stimulate you. You need to physically create forward momentum in your life to get beyond the stuck feelings. And you need to do this before you feel ready. IME action precedes motivation. And when you start to feel the results of the action, you feel motivated to continue.

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Ricekrispiess · 21/02/2021 14:56

I feel really stuck and like nothing has helped me in therapy. I agree going outdoors would definitely help me, I’m like a caged animal stuck indoors all day. Think I’m going to download some podcasts and take myself for walks everyday.

Sonicbloom - thank you. I do feel like I’ve drove him to this, when he liked the photo it was when he was drunk and I’d told him to F off. I didn’t want him to leave but I have a lot of abandonment issues from my childhood and I say things like that for a reaction, to see if the other person will leave or hopefully stay, that way it confirms to me that they care about me. I know it’s incredibly messed up. I hate my life. I’m always doing things like this. If anyone has any recommendations on free things like on YouTube or podcasts I can listen to in the meantime please let me know. Thanks so much everyone

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Sonicbloom · 21/02/2021 15:22

I understand that pushing people away reaction - to test how they feel about you. However, he didn’t have to react by doing things he knew would upset you. He could have been the bigger person. You could try hypnosis to get at the root of the issue, normally it’s something from childhood. Hypnosis can help you confront and deal with it.
There’s a thread about good podcasts will try and find it

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Sonicbloom · 21/02/2021 15:24
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Ricekrispiess · 21/02/2021 15:30

Thank you so much for that. I’ve looked into hypnosis but I don’t know if I believe in things like that, so if it would even work for me. I will give it a try tonight at home and see, and will definitely get some of those podcasts. Thank you

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Sonicbloom · 21/02/2021 15:36

I tried it myself, it didn’t completely work but has helped. I went to see a professional x

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Dery · 21/02/2021 17:13

Re hypnosis - it’s not about believing in it - it’s about voluntarily surrendering to the process. The idea that you go into an unbreakable trance where people can make you do things you don’t want to do under hypnosis is not true. In my experience, you go into a state of very deep relaxation which makes it easier to absorb certain messages or explore certain ideas. But it’s all voluntary - if a fire alarm went off, you’d be able to get up and leave the room without being told to do so.

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Sonicbloom · 21/02/2021 18:22

@dery I totally agree. When I did it, I could hear all external sounds etc, you know what’s going on and I felt I could open my eyes at any point

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31RooCambon · 21/02/2021 18:25

It is shit, but you have to decide you deserve more than somebody who makes you feel inadequate. x

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31RooCambon · 21/02/2021 18:55

''My ex used to get pictures on his phone of girls and say things like “why can’t you look like that”, then would mock me for my features and portion control my food. I was made to stand on the scales every Monday night and he’d take picture of my weight and write up a chart logging it. When he cooked, if I ate it all he would tell me afterwards he’d spat in my food. Once he hit me and I tried to stop him and he bent my finger back and broke it. He would forward on pictures of girls on his Instagram and make comments about how he was going to sleep with them. He’d do this every other day but was so nice on the days he didn’t do that. I feel like I have no self esteem anymore and I’m worthless. I am always snappy and angry cos I hate myself.''

You poor thing. The problem with trying to find love after a really abusive relationship is that a man who is a bit less abusive than the last arsehole seems kind, at first.

Have you given your goals to your therapist?
I have done that but she invited me to tell her what I would like to get out of therapy. I thought it was a good idea. Keeps both of us on track.

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Ricekrispiess · 21/02/2021 21:26

Hi 31roo, no she’s never asked me for any goals. My therapist Sandler work booklets after we talk which I understand, but I don’t think speaking to her has helped undo what’s happened to me. In incredibly damaged because of that. Sometimes I don’t even want to wake up. I see no point in myself. Don’t ever recognise myself in the mirror. I had a boyfriend after the ex I’m referring to, who also cheated on me. So obviously that knocked me down even more. I am feeling like I done something wrong, was controlling and snapped to my recent ex dp. And so I’ve caused all this. I feel like I’ve lost something good, purely because I couldn’t control my emotions. I felt happy and ok with him when we weren’t arguing, so I feel like this is yet another thing I’ve messed up on and another sign to me I’m just a worthless person incapable of ever being ok and happy in myself and a relationship

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Ricekrispiess · 21/02/2021 21:28

Sorry that was messy to say *gives me work booklet.
I just wish I could regulate my emotions. I really can’t. I’m too damaged. I know a lot of people will be thinking oh.... woe me. But I’m broken and have tried, but nothing has helped

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gutful · 22/02/2021 09:49

Do you know what OP? I am not a fan of therapy. I think for some things Ok but therapy that goes on for years ? I think is either likely an inefficient therapist or a person who is wallowing in naval gazing & keeping yourself in that past victim mental state.

Actually Feeling remorse, that your emotions may have pushed someone away may be a better learning experience - rather than talking about the past constantly. Don’t you want to put the past behind you? How can you when talking about it & rehashing it constantly.

I also think you have some red flags for borderline personality disorder - the inability to regulate your emotions, a past trauma etc.... black & white thinking, pushing people away as a “test” - the signs are there & would urge you to do some reading on BPD & see if any of that fits with you.

As I understand it, many therapists won’t tell you if they think you have BPD either, due to the negative reputation it unfortunately has.

I think regret & shame are much better sources of learning how to change & grow as a person than constant naval gazing.

What you describe to me sounds like you’re “stuck” in a stage if arrested development & haven’t progressed into healing.

Being cheated on happens to the best of us. It happens to celebrities even! Would you say the women who have been cheated on here are worthless with nothing to offer? I bet you would feel more compassion for a stranger on the internet than you allow for yourself.

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Ricekrispiess · 23/02/2021 22:08

Gutful your message has really helped me. I’ve been learning a lot today about abandonment issues and healing your inner child and I think that is crucial to me being myself again. I think I have pushed my ex to split up with me because of the way I behave, and I need to get better. I’ve been on walks yesterday and today listening to podcasts. And I’ve started journaling. I have no motivation to exercise (workout I mean) but these changes should be good for me mentally. Hoping to see an improvement soon but understand it takes time. I think I would also benefit on self image help

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maddening · 23/02/2021 22:24

You haven't ruined something that was good, lucky.escape.more like. You are susceptible to allowing a naff relationship due to your self esteem. You need time with no men to build you self up.

Your abuse goes much further than the social media aspect. You really need to focus on you, adding anxiety of a relationship is the last thing you need.

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Ricekrispiess · 24/02/2021 00:13

Thanks maddening. I’m starting to think now that I caused him to do that, because I was controlling he done that to show me he couldn’t be controlled. So I feel like I’m responsible and have ruined it. He was actually lovely to me a lot of the time, looked after me but I think my outbursts and excessive arguing pushed him to the point of breaking up with me. I feel like I lost something good as he listened to me talk about my ex’s and understood why I was the way I am

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gutful · 24/02/2021 06:38

Glad to have helped OP

It’s said that being insecure & lacking trust is not about the other person - it’s related to how capable you feel of dealing with say, cheating if it occurred.

If you feel someone cheating on you will destroy you then of course instinct is to behave in controlling ways, because you’re trying to essentially minimise that risk

However when you have confidence in yourself that you can & will get through something Like that then you will naturally give off an aura of confidence & self esteem.

If your mindset is “well if he cheats it’s his loss” then you will naturally become more laid back & not worry so much.

Also make sure you are with people who are not avoidant attachment type - this type tends to be a bad match for people with anxious attachment style.

What may feel full on for someone else may be what you need - as in find someone who is naturally affectionate, loyal & monogamous-minded. They will offer you security you want.

People who lean towards avoidant attachment will only trigger your insecurity.

There are people out there who don’t use social media as well.

A rule of thumb for me is if someone of the opposite sex asks me if I have Snapchat that is my cue to stop interacting with them.

If someone ever asks me for a selfie same thing

Because I know this “type” is too young/immature/not compatible with me & is, I feel not someone I can ever trust.

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Jenny215 · 24/02/2021 07:04

He's had enough and you now need to work on yourself, build some confidence. You need to learn that you can't control a grown man, you must let them do what they want

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31RooCambon · 24/02/2021 07:22

Even the decision to not exercise right now but to reset your mindset and heal your wounds instead, that is you tuning back in to what is right for you right now. 💐

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gutful · 24/02/2021 07:45

@31RooCambon exercise is overrated

Relaxation & reflection is where it’s at

Never found solice in exercise after a breakup, though it does work great for some!

(Recalling that “Running in the rain” thread with the poster who was dumped via text)

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gutful · 24/02/2021 07:48

Also OP this forum is filled with women who are cheated on & done wrong every day

Bet you wouldn’t say all those posters have nothing to offer & are worthless.

We are so much crueller & hard on ourselves than we are to complete strangers!

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Sunshine3013 · 24/02/2021 07:51

Seems to me you can dish it out but can't take it when it's done to you.
You ended things with him, then was upset that he ended things with you.
Your constantly bringing up your ex and what he did....
Your behaviour doesn't sound fair to be honest and I think you've caused this issue with your now ex.

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