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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I stay, hand hold please

28 replies

Shallysally · 21/02/2021 00:46

I’m in a relationship, we’re 6 years together. Don’t live together, through personal choice. We see each other a lot, both work full time and I have shared care of DD with her father.

I’m 50, DP is 56

We have been talking yesterday and today, and DP says that he doesn’t feel that he needs as much contact with me. As in, it would be ok to have nights apart when we could otherwise be together.

We don’t see each other at every available opportunity anyway. I enjoy nights alone, need that time in fact. As does he and we respect each other’s choices.

He has assured me that nothing is wrong in the relationship, just that he would like less time with me. He loves me, his feelings haven’t changed.

I feel oddly jittery about this. I’ve told him this, and that it feels as though he has the power in the relationship.

He says that if I choose not to continue then he will understand, won’t be happy but he also does not want to hold me back from being in a full time relationship with another man.
I would not want that anyway, if I did, I would want that with him.

Am I over thinking this? I feel like I am, just would appreciate peoples perspective. Thank you.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 21/02/2021 00:48

How old is your daughter OP

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 00:48

What specifically does he want?

MiddlesexGirl · 21/02/2021 00:50

It doesn't sound very promising I'm afraid.
Especially that given the choice between continuing the existing arrangements or ending them totally, he would go with the latter.
Has he given any indication of why the existing arrangement doesn't work for him any more?

Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 00:51

Anordinarymum she is 14.

OP posts:
AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 21/02/2021 00:51

You could suggest trying this for a month or so to see how you both feel. You may enjoy the time on your own or he may realise he misses you. If not, then talk more. But I think I would feel a bit hurt and confused in your position.

Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 00:52

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

He says he doesn’t have a plan or schedule. I don’t honestly know.

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 21/02/2021 00:54

Does less time suit YOU?

Where do you want to go with this relationship? Will his plan be a step toward, or away from what your preferred future is?

LocalHobo · 21/02/2021 00:54

It doesn't sound like this relationship will go anywhere. If you are happy to have a part time partner for dates, sex, maybe the odd weekend away then that is great but, I think he is being honest in what he says, and is giving you a heads up that this is never going to be a full time partnership.
You are fortunate he is being straightforward with you although I realise it may not feel like it at the moment.

Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 00:56

MiddlesexGirl

He says that he has been thinking that he would appreciate more time alone.
His father passed away in the summer, we are both still grieving and DP has been really affected by emptying the house, and the realisation that essentially, all that out lives are end up either at the charity shop/tip or in our family’s garage.

He is the last member of the family and it’s really hit him hard. I have suggested that he has some counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 00:57

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters

I have said that we will see how things go and if it’s not working then I’m out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 01:01

Somethingkindaoooo and LocalHobo

Less time does suit me for now. I’ve recently bought a house that is more of a project than I realised, and with lockdowns not been really motivated to do much. I’ll be fine but in the same conversation he was saying what needs doing and how he will help, as was the plan before.

We don’t have a long term plan, maybe that’s why we are as happy as we are, fairly unpressured.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 21/02/2021 01:02

Grief can sometimes be a horrible leveller. I think counselling might help even if he finds out it is not for him, it can be helpful.

If you like him, and do not want to split, then give him some time and space, but not too much. Keep in contact and be there if he needs to talk. You matter too though, and you should remind him of that.

Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 01:06

Anordinarymum indeed it can. I do understand how he is feeling, I lost both my parents about 15 years ago and remember the horrid finality of closing their house up.

I’m going to his tomorrow, and just see how things go from there.

I feel like I need to stick around, not necessarily in the physical sense, just don’t want to bow out and leave him on his own.

He may feel differently again in a few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 01:14

I know the relationship ideal is to be together full time, and that maybe should be a natural need.
I’ve never felt that I’m settling for less before.

But now he has put the doubt there. I guess I’ll know better how to feel when I’ve seen him tomorrow.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 07:35

Its only society that says if you are in a relationship you should live together but for a lot of people that isnt what they want more and more people are Living Apart Together so they're in a committed relationship but maintain seperate homes.

How many times a week would you see him usually?

I think sometimes less is more and hopefully the days you do see him will be much more focused on each other.

litterbird · 21/02/2021 07:51

This must be a little distressing for you after all this time of rubbing along nicely. One passage in your post stood out....

"He says that if I choose not to continue then he will understand, won’t be happy but he also does not want to hold me back from being in a full time relationship with another man.
I would not want that anyway, if I did, I would want that with him."

This is either a man who has had his head turned and is giving you a way out by a slow fade....no man who is in love and committed would ever say that he wouldn't hold you back finding another man. Or, he is not dealing with his grief very well and when grief hits it obliterates all your feelings even those that you hold dear to those close and important. He may not recognise that this lack of feeling is grief not that he doesn't feel anything for you anymore so the best thing to do is a slow fade out of your life. He probably needs to work through his grief. See how things go over the next few months.

Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 08:19

SortingItOut

Usually see each other 3-4 times a week. He has started a new job working days, early starts so if in the week I go to his. Then we decide between us where we will be at a weekend.

This depends on if I’ve got my DD, and the plans we have, although obviously at the moment that isn’t relevant so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 08:24

litterbird

Thank you. Fairly sure that this doesn’t involve anyone else. He is very honest and I feel that he would just end our relationship if he wanted to be with anyone else.

I’ve been thinking about the holding me back from being with someone else comment. I think that is his way of being considerate, somehow Confused

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 21/02/2021 08:57

3 - 4 times a week is quite a lot and although I know that gives him some evenings to himself still I can see why he might want less especially if he is grieving and has started a new job with early starts.

Presumably he needs to go to bed slightly earlier now as well if he is getting up early.

He sounds like a great person so I would go with it and review in a month, it sounds like you've got a busy life too so cutting back on seeing each other works perfectly as long as its at least twice a week to maintain the relationship.

I'm all for space in relationships and not being together all the time.

Original poster
Shallysally · 21/02/2021 11:26

Yes it is a lot, it is sometimes less though.

He does go to bed earlier now, he is sometimes up at 4-5am. So those nights we tend not to see each other. I don’t sleep well and am conscious of disturbing him.

I joked yesterday this morning that I only wanted a weekend lad, which when we started dating was true!

OP posts:
NotAgainNoMore · 21/02/2021 13:28

He says that if I choose not to continue then he will understand, won’t be happy but he also does not want to hold me back from being in a full time relationship with another man.
If I said that to someone, it would mean I thought you wanted more, not less, and I'm pushing you away on purpose. Is he being considerate or trying not to hurt your feelings?
His grief may well have made him reassess his life, plus his new job.
Only time will tell. If he throws himself into the couple of days you spend together, then maybe you can live with this. Would you be happy with this permanently?

PawPawNoodle · 21/02/2021 13:37

I really don't understand the thought process around him 'having the power' in the relationship or other similar comments on here. He has communicated what he needs and it is your choice what you do with that.

Original poster
Shallysally · 22/02/2021 09:38

NotAgainNoMore

I haven’t indicated that I would like more from the relationship. We have been, or so I thought, happy with things as they were.

We saw each other again yesterday and talked, we don’t have a plan or timetable of when we will see each other, but we never have done, always been a plan on the day/day before situation. Apart from if we have something planned obviously.

As for if I’m happy to live like this permanently, I don’t know, but life changes and if less time together for now is right then that’s what I will go with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shallysally · 22/02/2021 09:41

PolPotNoodle

That was my view initially. I was feeling pretty jittery and initially felt that DP would kind of hold the power in terms of when we see each other.
I still do to an extent, but I’m thinking that it will take me a while to settle. I need to stop overthinking and be in the moment more.

OP posts:
Ntwa · 22/02/2021 09:53

@shallysally I've just ended a 4yr relationship.. Weekends only. We were SO good together for the main.
Nothing moved on, I started testing the water on this and it's just basically ruined us. False promises from him, changed goalposts.. 'he wants me to be happy' but won't give an answer. I think you know what you want and wether scaling back will be something you're happy with in time or not. When you're dd is older and you have more time and he's feeling more settled after his news.. I wish you luck