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Original poster

Friendship at risk because of her child

29 replies

blackbettybramblejam · 20/02/2021 10:08

I made a friend when I was a new mum who had a child about 6 months older than my child.
There's been loads of meet ups and lovely days spent doing things with our kids over the years, we have loads to talk about and she has been very kind and generous with cooking nice lunches and having me and DD round at her house.
The problem is her child has increasingly become more rough and unkind as each get together has gone by. He (unprovoked) hit DD in the face with stick last time we met up and DD told me that at Christmas he told her that if she looked at his Christmas tree for too long she would die (they're 4!) he snatches, pushes, shouts and to be honest I think my DD is a bit scared of him these days. For context DD has literally never hit or lashed out at anyone ever, it's just not something she does. I keep hoping her son will grow out of it but it seems to be getting worse, not better.
My friend wants to meet up but DD has been crying and saying she doesn't want to and I completely understand why so I have had to cancel the last 2 meet ups.
It's so hard to make friends as an adult and I am disappointed that it looks as though our friendship will be affected by her son's behaviour.
Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2021 10:22

@blackbettybramblejam

I made a friend when I was a new mum who had a child about 6 months older than my child. There's been loads of meet ups and lovely days spent doing things with our kids over the years, we have loads to talk about and she has been very kind and generous with cooking nice lunches and having me and DD round at her house. The problem is her child has increasingly become more rough and unkind as each get together has gone by. He (unprovoked) hit DD in the face with stick last time we met up and DD told me that at Christmas he told her that if she looked at his Christmas tree for too long she would die (they're 4!) he snatches, pushes, shouts and to be honest I think my DD is a bit scared of him these days. For context DD has literally never hit or lashed out at anyone ever, it's just not something she does. I keep hoping her son will grow out of it but it seems to be getting worse, not better. My friend wants to meet up but DD has been crying and saying she doesn't want to and I completely understand why so I have had to cancel the last 2 meet ups. It's so hard to make friends as an adult and I am disappointed that it looks as though our friendship will be affected by her son's behaviour. Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Any advice gratefully received.
I would tell the mum why you aren't comfortable with play dates with him. He's been rough with her a few times, said unkind things that you don't feel can be explained to your DD as they are both so young and so want to take some time out from play dates for a while. I'm sure if she knew your DD is scared of him at the moment she will understand? If she doesn't then she isn't much of a pal and has poor judgement.
Original poster
blackbettybramblejam · 20/02/2021 10:25

Thanks, she does tell him off but other times she just carries on talking to me so I have to step in and tell him not to.
Very difficult. I'm not great at confronting situations, I find it very awkward.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/02/2021 10:32

@blackbettybramblejam

Thanks, she does tell him off but other times she just carries on talking to me so I have to step in and tell him not to. Very difficult. I'm not great at confronting situations, I find it very awkward.
Reframe it in your mind - give it less power. It's not a confrontation, it's just an explanation of why you're doing something (potentially temporarily as they change so quickly at that age) that's best for your daughter. Don't make it such a big deal in your head. You're doing something to protect your daughter from harm - you don't have a choice really Thanks
Chamomileteaplease · 20/02/2021 12:01

Normally I would say have a chat with your friend to explain the seriousness of the situation and that you would appreciate it if both you and her could keep an eye on her son and monitor his behaviour. You could also gauge her reaction to this and her feelings about her rough son.

However, I think it has gone too far and your poor four year old is now scared of this boy and it would be cruel of you to force her to be in his company to play. Really sad for both of you to miss out on the friendships.

Perhaps after lockdown you could meet up with your friend without the children?

category12 · 20/02/2021 12:04

Move it to an adult friendship and leave the dc at home.

Gcnq · 20/02/2021 12:08

Are you in a childcare bubble or something? Do you need to meet this child during a pandemic?

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/02/2021 12:12

They do change so quickly.
I agree, just try and move it to an adult friendship for awhile, or choose activities where there won't be the opportunity for him to whack her

supadupapupascupa · 20/02/2021 13:13

Whatever you do please don't dump your friend. I've been that friend with an unruly child, he got to 8 and turns out he is ASD and adhd. It's a very lonely place. Be honest but be supportive and make sure you keep in touch. Some of us need all the help and support we can get

flaurafona · 20/02/2021 13:29

Tricky one! You need to definitely protect your DD and absolutely not force her to spend time with him. I think, the best thing to do is be mildly honest with your friend and let the kids meet ups fizzle out and continue the adult friendship if you want to...for what to say, I'd go along the lines of "Ooh yes that'd be great, I'd love to see you, it'll just be me though if that's okay, DD wants to stay home and do such and such with daddy"....

Im trying to imagine it from her perspective, and so unless she's utterly blind to how her son behaves, she will be happy with this as she gets to keep her friendship with you at least.

flaurafona · 20/02/2021 13:36

And there's no reason your friendship can't continue with your friend. One of my closest friends was made through our children. The kids don't talk to each other at all anymore after 7 years but their mum and I are still really close if not closer!!

Suagar · 20/02/2021 13:44

Children at that age imitate what they see. Sounds like he's witnessed abusive behaviour in his own home and is replicating it (your friend may not admit to this because a lot of women hide abuse). You would expect normal roughs and tumbles and little fallouts with kids that young but some of the stuff you've mentioned is more than just "unruly".

You're a parent first and foremost and your child is your number 1 priority. Early experiences can be very damaging and if it's at the point she's crying and not wanting to meet up you absolutely must put a stop to it. Otherwise you're enabling her being hurt even though she's essentially asked you to step up and protect her.

Tell your friend that your child has been crying to avoid meet ups so going forward while you very much want to remain friends with her, you'll only be able to meet when your DD is not around. If she's a true friend she will understand. Hopefully this will also be a kick up her backside to sort out her son or send him for therapy/support.

Snowymcsnowsony · 20/02/2021 13:52

Once had this many years ago. I let dd sit in my knee the whole visit and only stayed a hour. Let her and her ds see there are consequences to being a little shit.

purplecorkheart · 20/02/2021 13:54

I think you need to move this to an adult friendship. Your first priority is to keep your little girl safe both physically and mentally. She is rightly afraid of this child.

PatchworkElmer · 20/02/2021 14:02

Can you meet your friend for a walk or something instead, leaving the children at home?

Brieminewine · 20/02/2021 14:31

I would be honest and say you’d love to meet up but it would be best just the two of you given that the children aren’t getting along. That might prompt her to address her sons behaviour and give your daughter some time away from him.

Windmillwhirl · 20/02/2021 14:53

I really felt for your daughter reading your post. Can you not, as said, keep the friendship adult only and explain to her why? She is aware of what her son is like and you can't guarantee he will behave or his mother will appropriately deal with things. It's not fair on your daughter to continue to take the risk.

Original poster
blackbettybramblejam · 20/02/2021 15:13

Thanks all, as I said I have cancelled the past 2 meet ups because DD seemed reluctant and I think I'll keep the friendship adult from now on. It's hard because I can see clearly that he has some behavioural issues (I work with children with SEN) but I don't want to tell my friend that I think her son has particular issues because I don't feel it's my place to do so.
Thanks agin.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackbettybramblejam · 20/02/2021 15:13

again*

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 21/02/2021 14:12

@Gcnq

Are you in a childcare bubble or something? Do you need to meet this child during a pandemic?
Yawn
Skyla2005 · 21/02/2021 14:15

I understand you don't want to hurt her feelings but if you are honest about how it's making your daughter feel scared it could actually help her to handle her so better. If nobody tells her she will be very isolated with everyone avoiding her you would be helping her

Dery · 21/02/2021 14:25

“I understand you don't want to hurt her feelings but if you are honest about how it's making your daughter feel scared it could actually help her to handle her so better. If nobody tells her she will be very isolated with everyone avoiding her you would be helping her”

This. No-one wants to hear that their child is very difficult to be around but if she’s told, there’s a chance of getting to the bottom of the behaviour and improving it. Otherwise she’s just going to be bewildered that people are backing off. And most of us occasionally have to hear that our children have behaved sub-optimally. I’ve had to as a parent and I know my parents did also when I was a child. It comes with the territory of parenting.

category12 · 21/02/2021 14:43

If you genuinely think he's showing signs of SEN, it might be kind to gently raise the possibility.

BuggerBognor · 21/02/2021 15:01

This reply has been withdrawn

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Tankflybosswalkjam · 21/02/2021 15:05

@Suagar “ Children at that age imitate what they see. Sounds like he's witnessed abusive behaviour in his own home and is replicating it (your friend may not admit to this because a lot of women hide abuse). You would expect normal roughs and tumbles and little fallouts with kids that young but some of the stuff you've mentioned is more than just "unruly".”

What bollocks.

If that’s the case then how do you explain the behaviour of children with additional needs? Have they ALL witnessed abuse and are acting out? Honest to God what an ignorant and judgemental post!

horridhorrid · 21/02/2021 18:07

@category12

If you genuinely think he's showing signs of SEN, it might be kind to gently raise the possibility.
Er... no. Completely overstepping boundaries. If the friend approached the OP for her professional opinion that would be one thing, otherwise no.
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