How to help male friend in controlling relationship

[WhenOhWhenWillThisBeOver]

Hi, I've name changed for this.

I have a male friend - former colleague - from long ago who I'd lost touch with, but who has recently got back in contact online. At first we talked about work and a big mutual interest. We quickly started chatting online every day. He's 60 and I'm mid-50s.
I thought he was happily married (I am) but it turns out that he's not at all happy. I'm pretty sure he's in a very controlling relationship. He's been finding lockdown hard, wfh and stuck with his wife all the time. He says he feels trapped. He's not allowed to go out without her. If he's on the phone she'll ask him who he's talking to. He's not allowed to practise the musical instrument he plays (not particularly loud) or play music except in his study. She's critical of him all the time, but if he suggests she do something, she becomes defensive and says the more he asks, the less she's inclined to do whatever it is. But if he's gardening, say, she'll be giving directions from the window.
He is the only earner and as far as I can see does 95% of stuff around the house and garden too. She's also a hoarder - he says it's well organised but I haven't seen much of the house so don't know how bad it is. The double garage is completely full of her boxes.
Anyway... this is a controlling relationship isn't it? It's making him miserable but he feels guilty about possibly leaving her. He feels like everything is his fault. If he does do anything she doesn't like (such as going out alone) there's an argument afterwards, sometimes for days. She turns on the tears if she doesn't get what she wants. I don't think she's happy either - she mostly watches TV all day (no kids). They are financially secure.
I don't know how to help. I've suggested she's manipulative and he recognises it. He thinks about leaving but can't go through with it - he would be quite alone to start with and thinks mutual friends would take her side. So he swings between not being able to stand it and wanting to leave, and thinking that's all too hard and feeling overwhelmed. I've suggested he tries not to engage but this has been met with stony silence from her, followed by tears. I try to be impartial and help with the potential practicalities. He's very anti professional help, which is a shame because I can see how it might help.
I realise his life has been like this for a long time - if he hasn't left yet, will he ever? Could lockdown be a catalyst?
I do feel he's leaning on me too much - he's quite demanding, says he needs me, doesn't know what he'd do without me, asks for virtual hugs... it's all verging on inappropriate. I feel I'm treading a fine line between friend/something more (I don't want this)/advisor. My health isn't great and I need a bit of distance. At the same time I want him to be happy, I care, but I don't know how to advise him best.
Can anyone help?
Thank you.

It sounds very intense OP, he has to respect boundaries and that you can't be there 24/7 as his support system. Yes it sounds a nightmare for him living in such a controlling environment and you sound a lovely friend. I'd take longer to reply to messages, create some distance whilst remaining polite and kind. At the end of the day, it's their issue to sort out. You've tried hard to help him so the ball is in his court now.
It does also sounds as if he likes you as more than a friend though!!

Sounds like he's trying the old 'my wife is so nasty and doesn't understand me' line to angle for an affair to me.

I would back way off, if you are happy in your marriage.

Suggest that he gets support from a professional in the form Counsellor, who can guide and listen to him. They can help him work out what he wants to do.

It's too much for you to deal with.

Nothing you've said screams abusive relationship. It screams bored 60 year old man getting a kick out of an emotional affair with a younger female acquaintance. He doesn't need rescuing.

Maybe she does ask him to play his instrument in the study... Is that abusive? My DH plays the guitar/bongos/steel drums/recorder/didgeridoo and even Kazoo's and I frequently ask him to cut it out because it can get on my nerves. Am I abusive? I grit my teeth for as long as humanly possible but sometimes it's just irritating. In none lockdown times he can go and play instruments in a practice room or with friends.

Maybe he is the only earner. That doesn't mean she doesn't contribute anything. Maybe she does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, house admin and he potters around the garden and plays his instruments. Maybe he bashers her to ask who she is talking to or where she is going.

You've never even been to their house, probably never met her. It doesn't sound drastic. It sounds like an intense lockdown situation of a long bored elderly married couple.

Distance yourself.

As your own health is suffering over this maybe your husband would be willing to step in and support your friend? I'm sure the support and advice of another man would be helpful to this long suffering friend and co worker who refuses professional help. Or you could read up on the script and realise what this guy is about.

You poor thing.

You can't be online everyday helping this man, your own marriage will suffer.
He needs professional help, a councillor, steer him in that direction.
How do you know about the house work, the garage, the tidy house, you say you havn't seen much of it, have you facetimed?

I really don't think it's wise telling him not to engage with his wife as that leads her to give him the silent treatment.
Let the professionals tell him not to engage.

It's a hard situation and I understand you want to save him.
He must have been controlled for a long time, 40 years ?

The music thing sounds bad having to go into the study.
I can't imagine how hard that is.

He could be stringing you along angling for an affair and hoovering up any attention he can get. But if it's genuine, he needs to be told you can't live his life for him, you can't fix his problems and he needs to take steps to help himself.

I had a similar situation with a friend, although with her it was a work situation not a romantic relationship. With hindsight I can see that me being an emotional dumping ground for her problems was enabling her to stay in the bad situation.

She'd put up with it all day then offload to me in the evening. I had poor boundaries at that time in my life and in wanting to be there for a friend who I thought needed me, she essentially totally sucked the life out of me. She took up all my spare time to the extent I wasn't even looking after myself properly. I'm sure she didn't mean to be horrible to me but that's exactly what was happening.

I'd give her advice and she'd ignore it or make excuses why she couldn't do it, then come back to moan about the same problems repeatedly.

The advice I'd give your friend is to start new hobbies to make new friends, difficult during lockdown but he could start doing something then join groups when lockdown is over and he'd have something to talk about. He could look at the women's aid website (or investigate if there's similar for men?) because the signs of abuse are going to be similar for men and women so it could help to educate him in how bad things are. He could find some way (self help books?) to work on low self esteem, which it sounds like he experiences if he's feeling guilty about leaving his wife.

If you give him the advice and he still won't take it, then be less available, that's what I did. I looked at the time and set myself a limit before I answered the call. Listened to the problem, interrupted her before she could start the crying and gave her advice on the problem. Then I got off the phone using excuses/lies. Its harsh, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I think if you don't protect yourself you sort of end up being in an abusive relationship with them yourself, by accident. When she couldn't use me like she used to, she quickly stopped calling. She's the person who never ever just calls for a chat, it's always there's a problem. TBH her behaviour killed our friendship, I ended up not wanting to speak to her at all.

@IndecentCakes

Sounds like he's trying the old 'my wife is so nasty and doesn't understand me' line to angle for an affair to me.

Typical MN sexist response. Men can be in abusive relationships as well you know.

If this was a woman posting that her husband was behaving in this way towards her, no one would be doubting it's abuse or controlling. I've seen this said for far less.

I'd suggest you say you are unable to keep offering so much emotional support as you have a lot on at the moment and signpost him to some organisations that could help. I'd also spell it out that he can either decide he is that unhappy and split or do something about it, but he can't do nothing as his MH is already suffering.

@IndecentCakes

Sounds like he's trying the old 'my wife is so nasty and doesn't understand me' line to angle for an affair to me.

Yup. Or just a case of 'poor me, give me attention'.

You only have his word for things op.

And think about it, do you really think a man who takes takes takes from an online acquaintance doesnt do worse to his wife? (Who he also bad mouths)

He is a vulnerable narcissist (mr 'woe is me'). Step back. Tell him you are done. Protect yourself.

The thing is, you can’t be sure if he is really in an abusive relationship or just lonely/angling for an affair.

But. The man is 60. He is financially secure and in a position to leave if he wanted to. You have pointed out that you think his wife is emotionally manipulative/controlling and that you don’t think it’s healthy. Honestly, what else can you realistically do?

In is not your responsibility to be an emotional crutch for this man (who sounds like he was a colleague rather than a friend). You don’t need to take on his burdens or try to fix them/him. Doing so could be to the detriment of your own happy marriage. Does your husband know about your online conversations with this man?

I would honestly detach. Take longer to reply, type shorter messages. He should get the hint. If not, just tell him it’s not appropriate for him to offload in this way b

It’s sexist, but men do this for attention and a affair so much more than women, hence why the response is different depending on the persons sex.

Maybe he is genuine, but maybe he is also playing the woe is me card. Funny how he has contacted you out of nowhere.

Also, even if his wife is a total bitch, I’m sure her side of the story would be different.

Be careful OP. I wouldn’t be letting him contacting me moaning every day- his a grown man and if he is not happy he needs to leave, not dump his emotions on you!

Are you sure you aren’t being fed a load of lies? The reason I ask this is how you’ve described his behaviour with you? Demanding, needy and well, controlling? Which is what he’s said his wife is!!

Yes, yes, of course men can be in abusive relationships as well. However, first and foremost, it's not anywhere near as common as men angling for an affair.
Additionally, and crucially, OP says this man isn't a close friend, but a former colleague who got back in touch recently. Who has now furnished her with a huge amount of detail, to OP's actual detriment, about his wife. Also, apparently he 'needs' OP despite their previous quite loose ties (as it seems) and is 'very anti' professional help. So, yes, there is a chance it is genuine but more of a chance that it's the 'script'.

He really has his own agency. He sounds like he wants to attach emotionally to you so he can detach from her. Who else is he doing this to? It all sounds very strange to be honest

The support you are giving won't help him leave. It won't make things better for him. It's not in your power to do that.
When a friend is in trouble it's natural to want to help, but I'm not sure what you are doing is helping. It would be better to model good boundaries in terms of how often you want contact and what form it takes, rather than letting him transfer the neediness relationship from his marriage to you.
And yes, if your husband is up for being this man's friend too, that would lighten the load on you, make your friendship more palatable to this man's wife if he stays and you want to continue supporting him, and get some clarity around his motives in your friendship.

Walk away from it OP. He isn’t going to leave her and is now emotionally draining you

Oh dear I think you have got way too involved. Back off and leave him to it.

As PP have said: he may be being abused but pay attention to the fact that he is imposing on you massively while refusing to seek professional help and saying he feels too guilty to change things. How very convenient. Don’t enable him, OP. You could say that you have realised that by listening to him, you are allowing him to stay stuck and that’s not helpful to him, whereas professional help could really make the difference.

You say you haven't seen much of the house, so how much of what you present have you actually seen? Be very careful as appearances can be deceptive and a spin can be put on virtually anything. E.g. the first thing which sprang to mind when you stated that she issues instructions from the window when he's gardening is that our neighbours could quite easily assume that's what I'm doing when I open the window and ask him if he wants a cup of tea/tell him he has a phone call, when he's mowing the lawn!

Would I be correct in thinking that male/female stereotypes are based in fact - the problem occurs when people only accept the stereotypical view?

Echoing PP, back away @WhenOhWhenWillThisBeOver. Not wanting help from a professional, recent contact out of the blue, full financial control and power imbalance in his marriage would be ringing alarm bells for me. He’s teeing you up as an at the very least, an emotional affair after abusing his wife (who’s seen this before, hence the “who are you talking to” stuff)

Stop being so nice and facilitating so you can step away before he puts doubt in your DH’s head too.

I think boredom has had people getting back in touch, I am back in touch with an old school friend and old university mate. Difference is we msg about every two or three weeks.

Regardless of what is really happening in his home life, every day is far too much, he has no children or money issues and he refuses professional help.

Your last paragraph is very telling and he is deliberately pushing it in to emotional affair territory. For the sake of your own marriage end the contact either by being less available or just cut totally. It will be interesting if you lessen contact as to how he reacts . I have a feeling he may be distraught to try and make you feel guilty and then ultimately try and punish you.

I have been involved with a DV charity in the past as a fundraiser. I absolutely know men can be abused but those last few sentences about what he wants with all the virtual hugs and it being inappropriate are what jumps out at me.

Yep, he's being really obvious.

workmate from long ago contacts you out of the blue and begins a woe is me about his mean mean wife. He has made no effort to leave or get any help but somehow your ear and probably other parts can save him.

He's angling for an affair.

Distance yourself from this toxic drain.