How to help male friend in controlling relationship

[WhenOhWhenWillThisBeOver]

Hi, I've name changed for this.

I have a male friend - former colleague - from long ago who I'd lost touch with, but who has recently got back in contact online. At first we talked about work and a big mutual interest. We quickly started chatting online every day. He's 60 and I'm mid-50s.
I thought he was happily married (I am) but it turns out that he's not at all happy. I'm pretty sure he's in a very controlling relationship. He's been finding lockdown hard, wfh and stuck with his wife all the time. He says he feels trapped. He's not allowed to go out without her. If he's on the phone she'll ask him who he's talking to. He's not allowed to practise the musical instrument he plays (not particularly loud) or play music except in his study. She's critical of him all the time, but if he suggests she do something, she becomes defensive and says the more he asks, the less she's inclined to do whatever it is. But if he's gardening, say, she'll be giving directions from the window.
He is the only earner and as far as I can see does 95% of stuff around the house and garden too. She's also a hoarder - he says it's well organised but I haven't seen much of the house so don't know how bad it is. The double garage is completely full of her boxes.
Anyway... this is a controlling relationship isn't it? It's making him miserable but he feels guilty about possibly leaving her. He feels like everything is his fault. If he does do anything she doesn't like (such as going out alone) there's an argument afterwards, sometimes for days. She turns on the tears if she doesn't get what she wants. I don't think she's happy either - she mostly watches TV all day (no kids). They are financially secure.
I don't know how to help. I've suggested she's manipulative and he recognises it. He thinks about leaving but can't go through with it - he would be quite alone to start with and thinks mutual friends would take her side. So he swings between not being able to stand it and wanting to leave, and thinking that's all too hard and feeling overwhelmed. I've suggested he tries not to engage but this has been met with stony silence from her, followed by tears. I try to be impartial and help with the potential practicalities. He's very anti professional help, which is a shame because I can see how it might help.
I realise his life has been like this for a long time - if he hasn't left yet, will he ever? Could lockdown be a catalyst?
I do feel he's leaning on me too much - he's quite demanding, says he needs me, doesn't know what he'd do without me, asks for virtual hugs... it's all verging on inappropriate. I feel I'm treading a fine line between friend/something more (I don't want this)/advisor. My health isn't great and I need a bit of distance. At the same time I want him to be happy, I care, but I don't know how to advise him best.
Can anyone help?
Thank you.

it's all verging on inappropriate

This is what you have to listen to. Tell him when you think a line is being crossed. If he's genuinely after friendship, it won't be an issue.

If you want to help him then just be consistent in saying he has the ability to leave. People in controlling relationships have usually lost financial control and therefore can't see a way out.He is not in this situation.

Perhaps he doesn't want to lose financial stability by separating or maybe it a temporary situation caused by lockdown.

Either way you can't fix it. You're a friend and a relationship has to be mutually beneficial, especially if there isn't a long history to fall back on.

Reality is that it could be both. He could wel be in an abusive relationship but when he’s confided that fact it has led him to want an affair. The fact you’re listening to him may well have made him think about what he would like, iyswim.

That doesn’t make it ok though. Even if he is in an abusive relationship, and tbh I don’t think it’s up to anyone to say that he’s lying about that, this is why so many people find it hard to speak out about abuse, having an affair isn’t going to make things better. Even leaving that relationship for someone else isn’t going to make things better, it is only going to increase the hurt and resentment that is likely to follow.

He needs to leave for himself not for any other reason.

I would tell him that he needs to seek some professional help to help him to leave. Again I don’t think it’s fair to say that he’s financially equipped enough to leave, we all know that people do live in abusive relationships which they find it hard to exit from. But I would tell him that he doesn’t need you he needs to be able to do these things for himself

My DH plays the guitar/bongos/steel drums/recorder/didgeridoo and even Kazoo's and I frequently ask him to cut it out because it can get on my nerves

@user64332 am now imagining your husband playing the didgeridoo and you telling him you'll ram it where the sun doesn't shine 😂

I'd gradually start cutting contact OP, instead of listening to the whining just tell him if he's that unhappy then leave her. If he's to spineless to do that not your problem.

I think he likes the attention and you telling him how wonderful he is. I also agree with previous posters that he's angling for an affair.

My DH drifted into an EA with an “old friend” during the first lockdown. He was bored and curious what had happened to the “ old friend” he hadn’t seen or heard from for over 30years.
Anyway I thought it only fair that she knew that he was still married ( DH is not a big fan of SM and had a very vague profile) so I politely messaged her. She had been very vague with him and he believed her to be recently widowed.
As a result I was thoroughly character assassinated by her, having never met me, nor DH ever talking about me, she labelled me controlling and toxic.
Anyway moving on 6mnths and it is evident from SM she is still happily married to her “late” DH.
DH learnt a valuable SM lesson, don’t believe a word people post.

How would you feel if your husband was criticising you to a former work colleague? One who was making suggestions on how he should behave towards you? One who had only recently got back in touch. One who was a woman?

It sounds inappropriate. Are you are encouraging it, even unintentionally?

You don’t need to help. It is his choice not to seek professional help.

Complicit, yes, I thought that.

You want to help him? Tell his wife everything he has said about her, show her the screenshots. That'll help him...right out the door!

If she is abusive, he gets free. If he is talking shite about a lovely woman and angling for an affair, she gets free! Happy days.

Your quote, "I've suggested she is manipulative", how on earth are you qualified to know what's going on in their marriage.

Also "He thinks about leaving but would be quite alone to start with"

How do you know this?
And why would he only be alone to start with?

Have you got prior knowledge to assume he wouldn't be alone eventually?

Stop being an arse to his wife, you are talking EVERY day, you are in the wrong, you are not saving him.
Bit more respect for the wife, who knows him a hell of a lot better than you.

You have acknowledged it is verging on the inappropriate so it is time to step back.

It does sound very one sided and it would be good to hear the wife's side of the story 😑

Thank you all for replying - it's helpful to see the different perspectives.

I maybe should have said there is no chance of an affair because he lives 1000 miles away, and also clarified that he was a good friend in the past as well as a colleague. It's not impossible he's looking for an emotional affair. I believe what he says about his relationship - to me a lot of little details add up to things not being right.

@user64332 not a digeridoo, but congrats to your DH on his musical versatility. His wife seems to have almost no tolerance for his playing (upstairs when she is downstairs - no idea if directly above) but of course I only have his word for it.

@NotMyPremium Absolutely, I'd believe a female friend. I agree I need to be less available though.

@AmberItsACertainty thanks for sharing your experience with your friend - it feels very similar to what's going on for me, and your advice about getting away before the crying starts is very sensible.

@AlternativePerspective thank you, I think it could easily be both. He doesn't seem to have anyone else to confide in and I do agree it's so hard for people to speak out about abusive relationships. I have encouraged him to speak to a professional, I wish he would.

@bombastical I don't think it's lies but you are right, the behaviour towards me is starting to feel controlling.

@Wanderlusto vulnerable narcissist is starting to sound right...

@Onthedunes I'm not sure how I suddenly became the bad guy... yes I have become too involved but my intentions were good. I've seen photos and videos of the house with him in them. I've heard a lot of little details that sound manipulative to me... not being allowed to leave the house alone sounds pretty bad. I meant that he would be alone 'at first' because if he leaves he'd move away and she'd have friends nearby. Hopefully he'd subsequently meet people and become less alone.

I think it's true about people reconnecting in the last year - I’ve also heard from university friends who I hadn’t been in contact with for years, my husband too.

I plan to follow advice to model good boundaries and step back a lot, and appreciate the warnings that he may not be all he seems.