Keeping relationship strong after baby

[GiveMeCamembert]

I'm looking for tips from people who've been there on how to ensure a relationship stays strong after having a baby.

For context, DP and I have a good relationship and are happy. We're not married but planning to get married in the next couple of years and we jointly own our house. We've discussed finances during maternity leave as well as more general things like parenting styles and plans for childcare etc to make sure we're on the same page.

We're really looking forward to becoming parents but I'm conscious that having a baby can put pressure on even the strongest relationships. I know DP will be an involved father and step up to his share of the responsibilities but he has a stressful job and works shifts which I think could cause tension. I just want to make sure we're as prepared as we can be before the baby arrives in July.

What are some things to look out for? What's worked for you?

The problem is, OP, what's good for your relationship (lots of 'just the two of you' time, prioritising each other's needs) isn't necessarily good for the baby.

I fully admit, I completely prioritised breastfeeding, co-sleeping, having the babies glued to me at all time, and it meant that I de-prioritised my relationship.

Our relationship has changed. I think I'm some ways it's stronger, but not in a 'honeymoon' way. Boys are 8 and 4, and we're a tight unit.

(Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear!)

In my honest opinion, there is very little you can do to prepare. All the planning in the world does not account for maternal hormones, sleep deprivation and the general day to day ‘grind’ of parenthood (or, more specifically, motherhood).

You might tell yourself you will strictly divide tasks 50:50, but, breastfeeding (for example) can’t be halved. You will be off on mat leave, so will, by default, end up doing the majority of the household tasks. This in itself can lead to resentment (and that’s without the no sleep etc etc)

The loneliness of being at home can do that too.

Open lines of communication, without accusations or defensiveness are the best weapons you can have in your armoury.

But actually, a willingness by both of you to understand and accept that your relationship will change is necessary.

Remember it’s you and DP against the problem, not you against DP. Even if sometimes it’s seems like you’re butting heads over parenting styles, it’s still you and him against the problem at hand, not each other.

I haven’t been with my DP for decades or anything like that(5.5 years), we work very well together though. We take time to look from the other persons perspective and be objective about what ever it is we’re having to tackle.

Can’t speak for others but when we were back breakingly exhausted it puts a completely new level of tension on things, as you disagree about what the best course of action is to remedy the screaming baby on your shoulder is.

You will need to compromise sometimes on what to do and that’s ok.

It absolutely floored me the bomb a baby threw into our happy relationship!

Biggest piece of advice is not to make any huge decisions about your relationship in the first year or entertain the thoughts of ‘are we right together?’ that may crop up (other than in cases of abuse obviously), it’s so easy to start doubting whether you should be together because you’re absolutely exhausted and butting heads over things.

Once the baby starts sleeping properly I found things got back to normal. It’s amazing the impact poor sleep can have on your mood and how you treat one another. We sleep trained at six months and it was the absolute best thing we’ve ever done as parents. You don’t have to tolerate poor sleep forever!

Oh and under no circumstances allow the baby into your bed, for one it’s incredibly risky for them and for two your bed is often the last and only place you have for the two of you in the house. It’s so easy to focus solely on the baby but baby benefits from having a secure happy loving couple for parents too.

It’s more difficult atm cos it’s not like you can even plan for regular time away from the baby or date nights what with covid, but after the first few months aim to have a couple hours per week together once the baby is asleep just to sit and chat about stuff other than the little one.

Good luck, it’s a massive adjustment. At my most exhausted I remember genuinely considering divorce just cos of all the snappiness when we were both bare bones exhausted. It seems crazy now we’re sleeping well, we’re so happy together. But sleep deprivation is torture and I tell every new parent to prioritise your own sleep and rest and wellbeing as soon as you possibly can, newborns are demanding little people and absolutely engaging and engrossing but it’s never too early to use good sleep hygiene with them and if they’re still not sleeping at 6m old there are methods you can use. Can honestly say our life with a toddler is super easy and chilled and lovely cos he’s getting good quality sleep and so are we, it makes all the difference.

Oh and another thing: make sure you take equal responsibility with the baby in every way possible, if you’re hoping to bf pump a bit so you can share night feeds for example. Inequality in who does what for the baby can be a real source of stress and I’ve seen many friends fall prey to the ‘only mum will do’ dynamic where they don’t let dad get on with stuff with the baby cos he doesn’t do it to their taste. If you trust this man enough to reproduce with him, remember he’s an equal parent to you and both of you should be capable of all aspects of caring for your child. Much better to start out 50/50 where neither of us is gatekeeping baby care. It sounds common sense I know but you’d be surprised how many relationships suffer because mum is seen as the default carer for the baby and then ends up doing far too much and resents it while simultaneously subtly or overtly not allowing dad to do his fair share.

@ColdBrightClearMorning

Totally disagree about not letting the baby in bed and sleep training, although most people don't do things the way I did. OP, buy a Next2Me crib, read up on safe co-sleeping and be prepared for interrupted sleep for a long time

[quote MoodyMarshall]@ColdBrightClearMorning

Totally disagree about not letting the baby in bed and sleep training, although most people don't do things the way I did. OP, buy a Next2Me crib, read up on safe co-sleeping and be prepared for interrupted sleep for a long time [/quote]
I agree with this - co-sleeping has actually improved my relationship as it means we all get a much better night's sleep! If I had to actually get out of bed in the night to feed the baby I'd be a monster 😂 As long as you do it safely it's fine.

I think good communication is also super important, be clear about your needs and don't bottle things up.

It’s so personal for every couple really. As you can tell from the conflicted answers up thread!

With DC1 we were dead against bringing the baby into our bed... with hindsight I wish we had. By DC3 DH and I decided before she even arrived that DH would sleep in another room as we knew by then that we would all get a lot more sleep that way. I’d always been worried about DH getting enough sleep as he did a lot of long distance driving then and I much preferred to do all the night feeds myself and know he got decent sleep to stay safe, plus I could always cat nap in the day to catch up.

When we both slept better it made us far less grumpy and snappy which was better for our relationship. Just having DC3 in bed with me reassured me that there was plenty of space for the two of us in bed, which I wouldn’t have felt comfortable about and worried more about squashing her if DH was in bed too.

This reply is all about sleep, which I think was the number one issue for us, once we’d cracked it by baby number 3 as a newborn our relationship was much happier!

under no circumstances allow the baby into your bed, for one it’s incredibly risky for them and for two your bed is often the last and only place you have for the two of you in the house

Not true, you can have sex in the kitchen whilst you make dinner and your DC naps.. if you want of course. FWIW I co slept/sleep, he’s 8m now and is crawling into his cot at the side of the bed increasingly more frequently at night. When he is almost always in there we’ll swap him to his own room.

Every family is different, you’re already seeing conflicting advice/experiences here do what ever keeps you, DP and the baby happiest.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses!

Sounds like sleep is a big thing, so maybe we will need to think about DP sleeping in a different room some nights, especially if he has an early shift the next day. We are getting a Next2Me crib but are both quite anxious people so don't feel comfortable with co-sleeping.

It's difficult though because it's so easy to set "rules" now when we have no idea what the reality of parenthood is actually going to be like.

Also disagree with 'taking equal responsibility in every way'. Pumping is shit, and even if you pump and your other half feeds the baby, you'll wake up drenched and need to pump off what the baby isn't taking from you when it has the feed. I have never understood how it saves time or helps, not in the early months.

You'll find your groove, don't be too set in your ways would be my advice. Some people change after a baby and people you thought would struggle don't, people you thought would find it a walk in the park don't, etc. It's about give and take, you don't need to each do 50:50 of everything, you'll just get pissed off if he only does 40% one week and you do 60%. Share the lie ins if you need them, try and make sure you both get baby free time as and when you can and need it too.

It's very easy to discuss and plan how you think/hope it will work but honestly nothing can prepare you?

You may think he'll be an involved father but honestly small babies don't really need anyone but their mother especially if you are exclusively breastfeeding and best will in the world babies are boring and lots of fathers find the early weeks/months boring too and therefore don't get involved as much as the mother would like or envisaged? So be proceed for a certain amount of disappointment in his behaviour

I have to say DH and I agreed he'd sleep in the spare room as we have breastfed newborn twins and he gets up for work at 430am - I don't think I've hated him more than at 2am when I'm in the middle of a feed and I can hear him snoring next door. Could I pump to share the load.....yes? But honestly I pumped for 3 weeks when they were in NICU and it isn't for everyone

I personally wouldn't agree any "parenting terms" until after the baby has arrived and you have an idea of what you need him to do

@ivfbeenbusy I 100% agree with this...

You may think he'll be an involved father but honestly small babies don't really need anyone but their mother especially if you are exclusively breastfeeding and best will in the world babies are boring and lots of fathers find the early weeks/months boring too and therefore don't get involved as much as the mother would like or envisaged? So be proceed for a certain amount of disappointment in his behaviour

In real life, I’ve honestly not known one woman who hasn’t been disappointed in their partner/husband not matching their expectations of being a hands on, involved father. Babies are indeed boring, and their mother is generally who they are most happy with. The baby will most likely be handed back to you if attempts at soothing have failed (and, in reality, you will probably want the baby back).

When I had my eldest, all of the older fathers who we knew helpfully told my husband that they did nothing with the baby for the first 6 months as they were boring.... this shit seeps in... so be careful from whom your OH seeks tips...!

Take equal responsibility as much as you can, would me my tip. Can’t be everything if you are bf - in which case his job is to take care of you while you take care of the babies feeding needs - and he’s of course not there while he’s at work.
But make sure you start off from a point fo view that you both need equal rest, equal time off etc. If you are the only one going through sleep deprivation and whose life changes in a meaningful way having had the baby, the resentment will kill your relationship stone dead.

In real life, I’ve honestly not known one woman who hasn’t been disappointed in their partner/husband not matching their expectations of being a hands on, involved father. Babies are indeed boring, and their mother is generally who they are most happy with. The baby will most likely be handed back to you if attempts at soothing have failed (and, in reality, you will probably want the baby back).

Sorry but I totally disagree with this. My husband has and continues to do more than his fair share. He basically told me that mat leave was mine to enjoy so took the lion’s share of housework, using lunch breaks to put a load of laundry in etc. I do all the cooking and a lot of the baby stuff but he is there doing the house stuff.

Lots of my friend’s husbands are this way too (my mum calls them “modern dads” ) so OP please don’t feel too bad. Truthfully though you don’t know how it will be until your baby arrives.

I 100% agree with every word that @ColdBrightClearMorning wrote too

So what I mean is if you bf:

• he brings you drinks and food while you’re feeding without having to be prompted to do so.
• he takes on his share of housework and cooking as bf is time consuming- and certainly doesn’t moan that you haven’t done it as “what have you been doing all day?”
• he winds and settles the baby after night feeds, especially on weekend nights (it may not be possible on week nights). It would have been such a weight off to just feed and then be able to go back to sleep.

I recommend the books 'life after birth' and 'what mothers do'. Covers a lot of this!

Your relationship will change, in some ways good, some bad. It's like going into space, an adventure that can also be terrifying.

Also one of the best things you could consider doing is shared parental leave for three months so he steps away from the long hours and has to be fully hands-on with the baby.

My DP did the lions share with our first child. I had a very difficult time having him and was in no fit state for much for the first 8 weeks. I pumped but he did most of the rest, including night feeds. But even if I had been in a fit state we were and are very much 50/50 on parenting/home running.

My only other tip would be to try and be kind to each other. Even with a very equal relationship the sleep deprivation can lead you to say things you normally wouldn't, especially if you're both up for the 5th time at 3am weeks on the trot. Good luck with the baby!

I dont think you can do much more than you already are doing. And then just keep talking and trying to be kind to each other. I agree with the person who said dont make any big decisions about your relationship in the first year. I also wouldn't set any hard and fast rules like "don't let baby in your bed" or we must share x or y. Flexibility and being open to looking at situations from your partners angle is important. Also, being equal doesn't mean doing the same things.

It’s just not something you can prepare for but I guess you can discuss each other’s expectations, but be prepared to throw them out of the window.

I was also an absolutely no way can we co sleep, however, it’s the only way I survived. It meant my DH sleeping on the sofa for approximately 6 months but we’d all go to bed together and he’d go downstairs when we were drifting off. Sex was a non issue for those 6 months anyway as I wasn’t ready and he never once mentioned it.

I must admit, I think what helped us the most was that my DH accepted that there were days when I just wanted to cry, and he’d hold me or, if I wanted, leave me alone, no questions asked, in those early days before I gave in to co-sleeping, I slept upright on the sofa holding my DD, my DH would have a few hours in the day when he finished work so he could stay awake through the night making sure our DD didn’t roll off etc and he’d stay next to us all night. He would take her out for a drive for a couple of hours while I slept, it was the only way I could sleep without having my DD attached to me. He took on what burden he could to make my time as easy as possible. He never once moaned, even while doing all cleaning and cooking, he never once grumbled, as he understood we were both in it together and were a team, our DD wasn’t either of our responsibility less than the other. And I think that would be my advice. You are both equally responsible for your new family unit, and whatever responsibility he can’t take on, such as feeding if your breastfeeding, he can pick up elsewhere.

Why not legally commit to each other and get married before baby? Once you've had their baby, a lot of men don't bother with marriage as they know you're a lot less likely to leave them and they now have all the benefits of marriage (including a child who the woman will probably give their surname) without any of the legal responsibilities. And having a little child means there's always an reasonable sounding excuse he can give to delay it.

From what I've seen, many men can be happy enough in their relationships but they know from the experiences of other men, that women and relationships change a lot after a child arrives, so they don't want to actually commit. Delaying marriage is an insurance policy for them to see how things pan out so they can easily leave you without worrying about their assets etc.

Speaking from experience, your boyfriend having a stressful job is going to be a big pressure point when baby arrives. And you're going to be at least partly financially dependent on him whilst unmarried.
In your position, I would insist on getting married first (big wedding can always be done at a later point post Covid).

Get married. Get your wills in order. Buy good life insurance. That's what you can do.

And you're going to be at least partly financially dependent on him whilst unmarried.

What would change reliance wise if they were married? Do we know the OPs financial situation re: maternity pay?

My biggest piece of advice is tell your husband what you need. There's a great chance that you're going to be the sole caretaker for the first few weeks - feeding and bonding with baby. Yes, dad can cuddle and change nappies and feed (if bottle feeding) but in my case, baby would only settle for me (and I was EBF) so I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. So I told him what I needed. If she's cluster feeding, you can support us by bringing me water and making dinner. If she wakes in the night and I have to get her to sleep, you can support us by setting up my iPad so I can watch Netflix while rocking her to sleep. It's so cliche but communication is key. 99% of the arguments between us in the first few months were because I felt unsupported because I expected him to read my mind and know what I needed. And it's really tough for new dads, my husband definitely bonded with baby while I was pregnant but they don't fully 'get it' until baby arrives (whereas while you're pregnant, it's literally all consuming!).

Also disagree with the comment above, bedsharing saved my sanity when my girl was waking 10x a night. I had zero emotional regulation because I was so exhausted. Now I bedshare and she wakes 3-4x and I feel human again. Which means I'm nice company to my husband again 😂 if you are considering bedsharing, research the safe 7. Then you can decide if it's for you.