Keeping relationship strong after baby

[GiveMeCamembert]

I'm looking for tips from people who've been there on how to ensure a relationship stays strong after having a baby.

For context, DP and I have a good relationship and are happy. We're not married but planning to get married in the next couple of years and we jointly own our house. We've discussed finances during maternity leave as well as more general things like parenting styles and plans for childcare etc to make sure we're on the same page.

We're really looking forward to becoming parents but I'm conscious that having a baby can put pressure on even the strongest relationships. I know DP will be an involved father and step up to his share of the responsibilities but he has a stressful job and works shifts which I think could cause tension. I just want to make sure we're as prepared as we can be before the baby arrives in July.

What are some things to look out for? What's worked for you?

Also one of the best things you could consider doing is shared parental leave for three months so he steps away from the long hours and has to be fully hands-on with the baby.

I agree with PP around the importance of sleep training and prioritising your relationship too.

Be aware that some women who say "doing xyz with baby didn't affect my relationship," that we don't know what the husband's side of the story is. Their husbands/boyfriends could be inwardly resentful of it and feeling increasingly distant from them, but the women are going around thinking it's all fine and dandy to depriortise the relationship in different ways (I've seen this). These same women are then shocked when the man ultimately checks out of the relationship, so it's good you're considering these things early on.

He of course also has to step up and be ready to sacrifice for the family and work through things. Sadly, society has become more selfish and a lot of men just aren't used to sacrificing for others since they're encouraged to shirk responsibilities and commitment to women for as long as possible nowadays. It's why the situation you're in now where you're essentially just focused on his needs and things are relatively easy, doesnt necessarily show you how he'll be like after baby, especially since he hasn't taken the step to marry you already. The self sacrifice needed for marriage and fatherhood can come as a big shock to many men who are used to their needs being served, and quite a lot bail after some time.

I think this thread sounds a bit too gloomy - it's hard but it's nothing people on a relationship haven't done before! The first the months are the hardest. Just get through those. With parenting, you're in it for the looooong run, you don't have to enjoy every minute. If you have a day where everything's terrible and you feel like you messed up, there are plenty of other days ahead. In terms of relationship, don't think 'how can I maintain everything as it was' - go with the flow.

The way we approached it was, my
job to look after the baby (basically hours of breast feeding), DH looked after me. It went quite well. He got bonding time while she slept!

Dunno. We just sank into competitive tiredness, resentment and bitterness. We didn't have sex for 4 years.

We were lucky to get a baby that thrived in routines (he seemed to
like predictability so as long as you feed him at the same times, he would have naps and bed time without hiccups).

So, after the maelstrom of the first two months he happily set in his routine so we used to feed him at 6 and he will go to bed at 7, wake up for a feed at 11 (he dropped the 3 an feed at 4 months) and go back to sleep without problem, so we had time to have a life as if we didn’t have a baby at home from 7 to 11including having friends around and doing the usual stuff we did before DS arrived.

Having said that, things changed a lot during the toddler years, I admit I am now divorced and a very big reason was that as DS became more mobile and active, his dad slowly started to leave me to deal with everything related to DS so it came the time that I realised that raising DS on my own was easier and less exhausting than raising DS on my own and taking care of his dad. 🤷🏻‍♀️