Anxiety affecting relationship.

[nomannic]

i have never been an argumentative person. i back down very quickly and i never feel angry, always just sad. this is the way i have always been.

in my last relationship i was emotionally abused, continuously name-called and made to believe that i was a psychopath.

i got out of that relationship just under two years ago and semi-recently met someone new. it has been very intense since the beginning, we said ‘i love you’ very early on and we got in to a relationship early on too. we also pretty much live together now.

when things are good, they’re really good, but we have began to argue pretty much every other day. like i said, i am not an argumentative person, so i do not scream or shout, i look sad, or i cry. i understand that this can be frustrating for my partner sometimes but this is just the way that i am.

arguments mostly start because my partner makes a joke, sometimes about my personality or sometimes about my appearance or other things. this may be a joke, i know, but due to my past i am hypersensitive and i will tell him that i don’t like it when he makes these jokes. this will then escalate because he will call me something along the lines of a ‘miserable cow’, pathetic’ or similar. again, things he says that he doesn’t really mean but they are said in retaliation to me pointing out that i didn’t like what he said.

last night we had a similar argument, but this time he said that he feels that i am oppressing him and that i am manipulating him. i listened to his reasons, he says he feels like he is treading on eggshells around me because i get offended so easily and that he can’t be himself around me. this hurts me, i have never been described in this way and i believe the people who know me would be shocked to hear this. sadly i am a huge people pleaser and try my best to make everyone in my life feel so loved and so special, because they are.

i think that due to my last relationship i am hypersensitive and i have spoken to him about this. i also struggle with high-functioning anxiety, so i might look into the things he believes are just throwaway comments too deeply.

i do not want anyone to feel this way around me or because of me. has anyone ever been in a similar situation? i care for him and i want things to work out, but if i am being unknowingly manipulative then how can they ever?

i wanted to get this out, just to clear my head but any tips would also be very helpful.

thank you :)

It sounds like you’re incompatible. What you see is just being sensitive, he sees as trying to manipulate him. Sometimes people get together too fast before they know each other. If it’s not working then end it.

Sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. He doesn't sound very nice at all.
Have you ever done the Freedom Programme?

@Silenceisgolden20

Sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. He doesn't sound very nice at all. Have you ever done the Freedom Programme?

I was going to post the same.

Totally agree with Bluntness.

I would also add that you preventing him from being himself seems to extend to you being upset if he insults you or takes the piss.

I think this is important. A bit of teasing in a relationship is fine and i would expect to he able to do that, and be on the receiving end of it, good naturedly. But if he is picking on things you're self conscious about or saying things that are cruel and intended to upset you then that is different.

I have to say, I'm not argumentative or confrontational at all but I do get irritated when a person's response to something is to 'look sad'.

Oh and you can never be too sensitive. That's what abusers say to gaslight you.

Oh and you can never be too sensitive

Actually, some people are overly sensitive and take everything as a sleight against them.

I'm not denying that gas lighting exists, I've been abused and on the receiving end but i disgree that a person can never be 'too sensitive'

@Silenceisgolden20

Oh and you can never be too sensitive. That's what abusers say to gaslight you.

Yes you can. Hang around here for a few mins and you’ll see plenty of threads from the perpetually offended,

The op has been in an abusive relationship. It’s wholly possible she is highly sensitive and can’t take any teasing at all,where his personality is teasing. I take the piss out my husband, it’s not abuse. He’d laugh in your face if you suggested it.

So it could be they are simply incompatible.

This is another abusive relationship OP.
You need to stop having relationships until you have done the freedom programme and had some counselling or this will just happen again and again.
It takes time to really get to know someone and it sounds as if you've just rushed into this relationship after a bit of flattery and love bombing with your eyes shut.
Its not a criticism, I've been there but now much older and wiser have had counselling and no longer rush into disastrous repetitive relationships.

Well you can write whatever you like but I disagree

Thank you for your responses.

I understand that it is frustrating when I respond by just 'being sad', however, I simply do not have it in me to get angry. I believe this stems from being a serious people pleaser.

Teasing is ok, I am not hurt and nor do I say anything if I believe he is simply teasing. In the past he has picked on things I am self-conscious about e.g. fat 'jokes' and I asked him to stop, which he has after we had a few discussions about it. However, he he also makes remarks about other things, for example, the way I dress. Not something that I am necessarily self-conscious about, but obviously, he is my partner and I would like him to think that I look nice.

He tells me that nothing he says has the intent to upset me and I like to believe that. I know I am hypersensitive and I know my head tells lies.

Thank you for the Freedom project suggestion, that is definitely something I will look into :)

@Bluntness100 I wasnt calling your husband abusive. This thread isn't about you.
Calling someone a miserable cow and pathetic is not light teasing. Calling herself highly sensitive because she doesn't like it is convincing herself there is something wrong with her.

And I think most people would be highly incompatible with an abusive dickhead.
You're excusing it.

@Silenceisgolden20 I really appreciate this. I have recently felt like there is something wrong with me. Thank you greatly

This isn’t loving fun.

Piss taking, ‘Get out of bed you lazy lump.’ There is no way ‘pathetic’ can ge used in the next sentence which is kind of proportionate do this has to be another abusive relationship. Don’t date people who are unkind to you.

OP he makes remarks about the way you dress??
This is it good. Why are you telling yourself he is not doing intentionally? Partners don't put you down , they support you.

Why let him live with you. Can he move out and you see each other once or twice a week.

Tbh, it doesn't really matter who is right here about his intentions.

Maybe you are being over sensitive, OP, maybe he is an abusive dickhead. Unless we witness a conversation for ourselves then we can't judge as you haven't given actual.examples of what he has said.

'Fat jokes' are rarely going to be funny but I'm also irritated just by reading about being people pleasing, trying to make everyone feel special all the time and 'sad looks'.

I prefer people to he a bit more robust and resilient.

But you're not. And that is fine. Its who you are.

But how he is is just how he is - whether innocently so or not. Neither of you is going to become someone else. You're just incompatible.

I don't think you're going to be able to make this work.

@TSBelliot

This isn’t loving fun.

Piss taking, ‘Get out of bed you lazy lump.’ There is no way ‘pathetic’ can ge used in the next sentence which is kind of proportionate do this has to be another abusive relationship. Don’t date people who are unkind to you.

That’s not what she said, she said that’s what he says when it’s escalated into an argument. It’s not he walks around randomly calling her pathetic. She’s said this is what is said when they are fighting

Also pathetic means to arouse pity through vulnerability or sadness.

This is exactly what the op is doing when they argue. She hopes that by 'looking sad' he will feel sorry for her/bad for what he is doing and stop. He is irritated by it.

You are still in the 'getting to know each other" phase, and it sounds like you're discovering he's not very nice. Making fat jibes and criticising your clothes is not "joking", it's being a rude and insulting prick. As an experiment make a few jibes about his appearance. Those who dish out personal insults can rarely take them. Also work on not being such a people pleaser. I used to be one and it never gains you any respect.

I agree with @Bluntness100, I think sadly you're just incompatible, neither of you is wrong (& you certainly aren't just because you show your emotions in a different way). If either if you feels you can't be yourself infront of an established partner, then you're with the wrong person.

@DarkAtNight thank you for your responses, it is good to hear your perspective too. I am definitely not hoping that he feels sorry for me, that is not my intent. I am sad, not pretending.

Maybe you're sad and anxious OP as you have spent many years conditioned not to speak up for yourself. A past abusive relationship will do that. And now you've walked into another one because it is familiar.
Something in you is telling you this isn't right. This isn't right. Please look at the Freedom Programme, it will help you a lot

I am sad, not pretending.

I don't think yourenpretending. I believe that you're sad about it but not sad enough to end the relationship. Only sad enough to look sad and hope he stops.

Some people find this appealing and feel overwhelming waves of compassion. Other people are irked by it and prefer a more direct approach.

You've already said that you asked him to stop saying something and he did.

If he refuses to stop this, you're not obliged to stay in the relationship. You are choosing to. If I were with someone who was making me feel sad ever other day, I'd walk away from it. Staying is just a form of indirect self harm.

And whether this relationship is actually abusive or not, basedon the info given, is difficult to say but I agree with doing the Freedom Programme and ending this relationship for no other reason than it is not making you happy.