Relationship with a widower

[HelpIcantfindaname]

I've been in a relationship with a widower for 3 & a half years. It's 9 years since his wife passed. They were together 8 years. We both have a teenage child. We are in our early 50s. We plan to live together when the kids leave home - it works better living apart right now for financial reasons & because we didn't want to put our teenagers through being a blended family, (they get on really well in short doses) .

Mostly our relationship is brilliant. He is kind & caring. We have lots in common. We laugh a lot. He's my best friend.

He has told me he doesn't compare me to his late wife. He says that was then & this is now. But sometimes I still feel second best. I know he loves me, but I feel he will always love her more. I think a lot of this is my own insecurity.

I just wonder if anyone else in a relationship with a widower feels this way?

There are pictures of his wife in his house, mainly for his son. They don't bother me. We sometimes talk about his wife, sometimes he tells anecdotes about his son's younger years, sometimes I ask questions.

Most of the time I cope with how I feel, but I think I just push the feelings away. Tonight he has posted her pic on fb as it's her anniversary tomorrow, plus some of their songs. I have been supportive today & I always give them space on her anniversary & her birthday. I won't see him tomorrow. And I totally get they need tyst time - that's fine. But the stuff on fb has really upset me. Am I wrong to feel like that?

Does anyone have experience of this? Can anyone help me deal with my feelings?

I am a widow, so can see things from his side. I was married for seven years and we had two kids when he died suddenly in his early 50s. After about two years I felt ready for another relationship. But my husband was a huge part of my life and father of my kids. He is still a huge part. When I have to make decisions about the kids I think about what he would do. I also see him in my son. But that has nothing to do with any romantic relationship I have now. No one can replace my husband. He holds a unique place in my heart. But there's more room there for another.
Don't chase him away with your insecurity.

I'm in a relationship with a widower. I think it's natural to feel a bit like you're second best. But if he is wonderful with you, then that insecurity is with you.

The posting in social media is something I take a dim view of. Sure, he might think of her on a significant date, but why post on social media? Does he want the attention? That's not on at all, in my opinion.

I was recently having a conversation with my husband about step families and I said the one thing I could never do is get together with a widower because I would always feel second best, exactly like you do. You sound like you’re doing all the right things but to be honest given the length of time since she passed and the length and seriousness of your relationship, I think the Facebook post is hugely disrespectful to you and would be enough to make me rethink the relationship. Of course he will think of her on that date and mark it with his son but if he’s ready to have a long term serious relationship he needs to be in a place where he also considers your feelings. He’s either massively attention seeking (with your feelings collateral damage to that) or hasn’t moved on. Either way I would take a very dim view.

@WhateverJudy has put it better than me! He wouldn't like it if you got sad about a past love, he needs to be ready to live in the present with the real, living woman who loves him.

I think the FB post is just another example of her ongoing presence in his heart.
People use FB in very different ways I find. Some add every person they meet as a friend and use it to shout loudly about all the impressive/dramatic things they have going on and seem to put lots of effort into getting likes. Others like me only have real life friends on there and use it as another tool to help keep in touch with people. I think whether his post is attention seeking or genuine sharing of a significant day is down to how he usually uses FB.
It may be that there are friends of hers he is mainly in touch with through that medium who would appreciate him remembering her and understand. It may be that there are people he is in touch with on there for whom it would be a welcome chance for them to connect with him over his loss because they have a link through her.
In short, I think you've managed to box of the private rememberance he maintains through photos at home, but this public version has stirred your insecurity. It is the same thing really though, it just reached different people, but it isn't wrong for him to do that.
I think it is generous of you not to load his significant day with a side dish of concern for you by the way you are discreet about it. I think that says a lot about what a considerate partner you are. Maybe, in a couple of months when you're both feeling relaxed and happy you could mention that you occasionally have a day when living in the shadow of his wife (as it feels to you, reassuring him you are not blaming him for making you feel that way) can on occasions give you a tough day emotionally. Given how supportive and understanding you are on a daily basis, I think you can confess that without it coming across that you need him to hide her pictures and he can smile, appreciate where you're coming from, give you a huge hug and remind you he is yours now and that's what matters.
If you ever need to offload in a big way, do it with a friend, cos he can't be expected to be 'glad his wife is gone or he wouldn't have met you', so there is only so far his reassurances can go.
That he is a good partner is the important thing.
Your feelings are understandable, keep being considerate and discreet. Let him know when you need a hug about it in a way that doesn't load guilt on him. Use friends to get perspective when you need help keeping it down to size.

P.s I am assuming that your presence in his life also shows up on his Facebook activity so there isn't an imbalance...

I'm a widow and one of the reasons I could never imagine dating again is because I would never want to feel obliged to forget about my DH, to put my memories of him aside and not mark days that were special to us out of fear of upsetting someone else. Your DP's LW is no threat to you. You sound as though you have been very sensitive and caring towards him so far which is great, but one of the mistakes people who have never been widowed make is thinking you can move on - you can't. You move forward, but you carry your past with you. It isn't like a divorce where you have chosen to end a marriage.

The pp who think posting on FB is attention seeking or disrespectful obviously don't understand how hard it can be, and how conflicting you can feel that you are still alive but your late spouse is not, and you are trying to enjoy your life but not forget someone who was a large part of it. Particularly where there are children involved.

I think realisticSketch has it about right. I have a friend who is a widower who posted a picture of his late wife on their anniversary last year. She died of cancer 20 years ago when their children were young. He's been very happily married to his current wife (also previously widowed) for 10 years. But for him it was a fond remembrance with some of her old friends and family. Both he and his 2nd wife respect that they both have a past but together have a happy present and future plans together which include all their grown children and now grandchildren. Please don't let your insecurity nibble away at an otherwise happy and fulfilling ongoing relationship.

I'm a widow. I would like a new relationship and certainly wouldn't see a new partner as second best.
But I'll always love my husband. I would expect a new partner to be respectful, especially around anniversaries. I would want to leave up photos etc. I don't want to forget him.

OP there is a Facebook group called In Love With a Widower which you may find helpful. There are widows dating widowers on there too, who see things from both sides. It's run by the author of a book called One Heart too Many.

Anyone making a relationship that comes after another has baggage as part of the package.
A pp mentioned they wouldn't date a widow as they couldn't deal with feeling second best, which is fair enough, but different isn't necessarily inferior, each love you have in your life is unique and all treasured in their own way. Contrast a relationship with a widow against that of a relationship with someone divorced, who might have a tangle of trauma/twisted expectations to unravel from the toxic dynamic they've exited, or have to overcome a sense of failure that they couldn't make the first relationship work despite best efforts, maybe regret from mistakes or bad choices. A man who knows what a happy relationship is and was one half of a successful relationship is, in my view, a far better prospect for a happy partnership.
I don't think burying any public mention of his wife is an act of respect for you, nor a lack of respect if she is mentioned. Like cosyjimjams said, if the LW is still mentioned at certain times in even 20 years, doesn't that indicate what a deep love he is capable of, and that if there is a place in his life for you, which is on a parr with the one she had previously had, doesn't that say a lot about how highly he must regard you and what he is capable of giving you.
We all influence those close to us. His relationship with her is part of who he is, you would never wish him not to have had the happiness they did, there will be relationship skills he brings to the table that were improved by his experience with her. These are reasons to be happy and make him all the better for you together. In turn you will offer him a new joy, a different turn in his life, seeing things through fresh eyes, no lesser for that. In your op you said the relationship was a good one. If you make each other laugh and understand how each other ticks and he doesn't talk her up and in the next breath put you down I think it's great you have each other.

I'm in a relationship with a widower. We've been together for 3 years, we have a child together and have one on the way. He didn't have children with his previous wife.
Yes, sometimes I can't help but compare myself or worry that he's comparing me to her. His mum has pictures of their wedding day up and pictures of them both together - I'm not so bothered by it now but I used to be. I love him to pieces and just accept that this is part of him and his life.

I know of someone who is a widow and married again. She has teenage children.

I am always in awe of her when she posts about her late husband on facebook and I can see how much it means to the children. I think it's really impressive that the new husband supports the whole family on these days and doesn't seem to feel insecure at all.

My mum died when I was a teenager and my dad met someone else within a few years. I always always wonder how it must feel for the new partner, because I know that my Dad still struggles on those special days. He will get drunk and text me to tell me that he still dreams about her and I can't quite understand the level of sadness that he still seems to hold on to - its been 15 years now. I can imagine it's so so difficult to be the new partner and I too would struggle with it. But, from my perspective - it is a totally new relationship and it is no reflection on you. It's just a sad part of life and especially when their are children involved, I think it is really important that the children know that their mum is still remembered and loved and they are safe to speak about it at any time. That she hasn't been 'replaced'. It's hard for kids. Maybe they were a part of his decision to post on facebook too - it would have meant a lot to me back when I was young if I saw something like that.

I would struggle too, I think most people would.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, they have really helped.
I think I felt worse last night as we have just spent half term staying together - we are a bubble but because of his health issues we socially distance, I self isolated for 10 days before half term so we could get close & stay over - so yesterday I'd come home, & it was a sad day for me anyway.
He doesn't usually post much on fb except memes. I post loads of photos of us & the kids. So I guess that's why that post hurt more too, maybe.
I have had 2 crap marriages so 2 divorces. He is the best thing in my life (after my kids). We are very in tune with each other & have only ever had 1 argument. He is the first really decent man I've had a relationship with.
I'm not going to throw what we have away. I'll work on my insecurities. Your replies have helped me see neither he, nor I, are wrong in this. And they have helped me see I shouldn't feel selfish for being sad.
Thank you for all of your replies.

OP your feelings matter too,, try not to be so sensitive to his feelings that you ignore your own.

I can imagine it’s hard. I know a lady that lost her husband three years ago. They were a really devoted couple. Within 18 months she was seeing someone else, but she still posts Christmas/birthday/valentines/anniversary tributes to the “love of her life”. I always feel a bit sorry for the new guy, who clearly seems to adore her. He likes her tributes on Facebook. It’s a really tricky one. Does moving on mean you have to forget memories etc?

It's perfectly natural to have space to occasionally grieve the loss of someone and yes - post something to mark that on FB. People do it for parents they have lost- and your partner is doing it for the mother of his child! Of course you can't compete-you can't be the mother of his child. But you can be understanding and supportive.
It's not attention seeking - it's sharing, remembering and honouring - all things which we do because they are important and not 'attention seeking. And the insecure and jealous types are well on their way to being wicked step mother - probably in other ways too.

Wow I can't believe some of these posts, especially about the fb posts. Wouldn't you like to think that you were remembered after your death? Isn't it important for friends, family and particularly the children get a day to remember someone who was special to them and mark it. How difficult is it for the children to see their surving parent moving on. That parent may have a second DH/DW but the children only get one mum or dad and if it's marked also via social media I do see what's wrong with that. I understand how hard it is OP but lean on your friends on the anniversary and birthdays. Remember it's one day and you know it's going to be difficult so prepare for it and keep the perspective that this poor woman lost her life too soon and she deserves to be remembered as we would want to be.

*I DONT see what's wrong with social media posts.

I was widowed 25 years ago after a short, good marriage and always post special days - big birthdays and anniversaries, for the children, his family and mutual friends. I’ve been had relationships and been married again since and would never have compared people ...except that if you know what a good marriage or partnership is like, it’s hard to accept poor treatment.

FWB is a widower and will never move on from his very long marriage to his childhood sweetheart, so FWB is all we can ever be.

My uncle lost his wife of nearly forty years and remarried not long after. He was with his second wife for nearly 20 years and he died last year. His second wife told us he was the love of her life. He never forgot his first wife (who I believe was the love of his life), but he managed to have a strong relationship with his second wife such that she felt loved and secure.

I am a widow and that is nothing more off putting than feeling your partner is competing with a ghost. Leave him be, allow him to express himself, she was a huge part of his life, and his sons. Don't look at his Facebook if it upsets you,.It is prob a huge comfort to her fami!y and friends.

Hi @HelpIcantfindaname

I was widowed 7 years ago at 33, am now living with a partner.

When I post on FB about late DH it is because I want connection from others who knew him to mark a day, to keep his memory alive and to share stories. It has nothing to do with current partner. It is a normal, healthy part of ongoing grief.

@HelpIcantfindaname - would it help to remember that love is infinite? You wonder how you can love another child while you dote on that first born so much, but of course you can. Don’t compare or put yourself down, there’s lots of love to go round. Think of all the things and people you love, that love isn’t rationed or limited. 🤗