Relationship with a widower

[HelpIcantfindaname]

I've been in a relationship with a widower for 3 & a half years. It's 9 years since his wife passed. They were together 8 years. We both have a teenage child. We are in our early 50s. We plan to live together when the kids leave home - it works better living apart right now for financial reasons & because we didn't want to put our teenagers through being a blended family, (they get on really well in short doses) .

Mostly our relationship is brilliant. He is kind & caring. We have lots in common. We laugh a lot. He's my best friend.

He has told me he doesn't compare me to his late wife. He says that was then & this is now. But sometimes I still feel second best. I know he loves me, but I feel he will always love her more. I think a lot of this is my own insecurity.

I just wonder if anyone else in a relationship with a widower feels this way?

There are pictures of his wife in his house, mainly for his son. They don't bother me. We sometimes talk about his wife, sometimes he tells anecdotes about his son's younger years, sometimes I ask questions.

Most of the time I cope with how I feel, but I think I just push the feelings away. Tonight he has posted her pic on fb as it's her anniversary tomorrow, plus some of their songs. I have been supportive today & I always give them space on her anniversary & her birthday. I won't see him tomorrow. And I totally get they need tyst time - that's fine. But the stuff on fb has really upset me. Am I wrong to feel like that?

Does anyone have experience of this? Can anyone help me deal with my feelings?

My DH is likely to be a young widower. Hopefully not too young but I'm "living with cancer" and very unlikely to outlive him.
I would want him to meet someone after me, but I would hate to be forgotten.
He also has his own independent relationships with my family and close friends.
I know they would be supportive of him moving on, but acting like I never existed would be difficult for them and likely damage his relationships with them.
His Facebook post is probably as pp suggested for their child and her family, mutual friends.
As long as he treats you well in the here and now I think you should try to accept her as a non threatening part of his past
Like stories people tell about their first teenage love, no-one will ever be as wonderful as the boy you kissed after mooning over him for weeks at 14!
But you know as an adult that feeling can't be recreated, and most of us don't want to go back to teenage lows to get the highs!

I'm a widow. 9 years next month. Married 24 years. I never compare my partner of 2.5 years to my husband. I love my partner just as much as I did my husband which surprised me as I thought that wasn't possible.
I have photos up and I do mention things that we did together eg holidays but he mentions holidays with his ex wife too. I'm sometimes a bit more thoughtful on anniversaries but he respects that.
I do wonder sometimes if my husband had died suddenly if I may have felt differently...my husband had a brain tumour for 12 years and it robbed him of his personality and when he died he was not the man I had married. I was a carer not a wife. It was very hard. My husband barely spoke and had lost his initiative. My partner is great fun and we have a lot of laughs and do an awful lot together so I think I must be making up for what I lost in my marriage.
I don't like these dating programs where the person gets all weepy about their spouse who died. I think out if respect to your new partner you need to give everything to them.

@HelpIcantfindaname maybe it would help to remember that love is infinite...you may wonder how you could love a second child while you dote so much on your first, but you do! We love so many things, places and people, love isn’t rationed or limited or only so much allowed per lifetime. My mother used to say ‘you bring your own love with you’ which I think is a lovely idea! 💐

My husband died three years ago. You have to remember that when you are a widow neither party chose to part ways with one another. In that respect I still feel “married” to my husband. I will always love him as much as ever and can’t imagine loving anyone more- equal yes but not more. Thier photos will always be in my house, they wouldn’t get put away if i had another partner - perhaps less photos but never none. I’d still remember our anniversaries. They will always be a pert of their lives and become a part of your lives. You Kind if need to get to know the deceased party so you can feel comfortable talking about them too even if you’ve never met them.

Now if he’s comparing you to her and making you feel shit that’s a different matter and you need to get rid.

I’m a widower of 7 years
I see nothing wrong with a fb post nor would I view it as disrespectful to someone’s relationship
My inlaws are still far from over loosing their daughter my kids miss her and want to know I’ve haven’t forgotten their mum so really its a nod to the past

@forumdonkey

*I DONT see what's wrong with social media posts.

I’m not saying I disapprove of the Facebook posts, if this was aimed at me. Of course it’s right to remember her late husband. We all do. He was lovely. I just said I feel a bit sorry/awkward for the new partner when the dead husband is quoted as the soulmate/love of her life.

I agree @Honeyroar

I don't see why anniversaries etc can't be thought/talked about with the people who knew the deceased, not on social media.

You never know what is going on with people . I know a widow who was going to leave her H if he hadn't died . He died and she is with someone new now . She posted photos recently on FB of her dead H and received lots of sympathy . If only people knew . I think she does it for her children .

Depends who’s on your social media surely?

I only use instagram and have 20 or so followers all of whom are life long friends and family.

Let me promise you, the people who come after are not the consolation prize and maybe we love harder and live with less regrets because we know life is short (I love the poem "to my husband" by Wendy Cope). I know it isn't always easy.

I don't post on social media and I know people take that as I've forgotten, that my life has moved on, all is good. No one mentions him to me now (5 years on) - yet I talk about him regularly with my current partner, his photo sits on my sideboard, he isn't and never will be forgotten but that takes nothing away from my life now. I can see why people (especially those with children) do post.

I suppose we all get to an age where we have a past and I wish you well.

@Whywouldibeinterested

Depends who’s on your social media surely?

I only use instagram and have 20 or so followers all of whom are life long friends and family.

And your new partner?

Is the automatic assumption i have a partner down to the fact I’m male and so couldn’t possibly be single?

He doesn’t love her more, he loves you differently. You can’t compare love

"I have had 2 crap marriages so 2 divorces. He is the best thing in my life (after my kids). We are very in tune with each other & have only ever had 1 argument. He is the first really decent man I've had a relationship with."

I think this is probably the crux of not being able to truly understand his feelings. Your relationship histories are so different.

I was with a widower for 2 and a half years. I never once felt that he should put the photos away, or not refer to her, she and their very happy marriage were part of what made him, him.
What did break us was his inability to open his heart to me, so we couldn’t get past a certain point. He was so frightened of loving again, and being so vulnerable, risking more loss, that he drew back when we got close. And because we liked each other, fancied each other, we got close and loving - then he’d step back.
When I was ill, he couldn’t handle it, wouldn’t talk about it. Was very practical, taking me to appointments, doing chores, shopping, etc but not emotionally comforting. I was hurt by this and sadly concluded I needed more than he could give me. I don’t know if he couldn’t love anyone else or if I was just the wrong person for him but it wasn’t that I tried to compete, we discussed her, i knew he loved her, it actually made me like him more that he had had this good loving marriage and he was sp proud of her and their DC, he certainly would not have hidden that. It’s not a competition it’s more they have to be able to risk their heart again. That’s really, really scary for those of us who’ve had relationships fail, can you imagine the courage needed to do it when your loss has been so much harder?

If your relationship is brilliant just support him on those tough days. It doesn't mean he feels any less about you.

@Whywouldibeinterested

Is the automatic assumption i have a partner down to the fact I’m male and so couldn’t possibly be single?

I had no idea you were male. If you did have a partner, they may well find social media posts about your late wife very difficult to read.

Not particularly yours @Honeyroar, I was quite surprised at some posts but inparticularly @WhateverJudy post.

Yes it hurts like hell to see someone you love post memories and love for someone else. It hurts like hell to see others post memories and love for them too, memories they all share that you're excluded from but there's a far bigger picture, so if that means that you have to suck up a day of hurt for a birthday or anniversary, so be it. A partner who has died should be respected and remembered and not forgotten.