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Original poster

Why do I not want to date

35 replies

Mindfulmummy1 · 18/02/2021 21:06

Hi,
I'm not sure what kind of advice I want or need, I am just a little unsure why I am the way I am and if anybody has any insight from my post.

I was in LTR with my DDs (5) dad, which was emotionally and financially abusive. When I left I was single 6 months before I got into a new relationship. This lasted 18months as I started to see a turn in his behaviour during lockdown which I didnt like, so I ended it.

Since being single I have completely thrown myself into my career and have advanced significantly. Each evening when my little girl is asleep I spend every night working on my project (flexible job working around daughter) and I much prefer this than speaking to anybody in the outside world. I feel a huge sense of comfort working on my job and degree.

I'm 31 and the thought of getting into a relationship again fills me with dread, where would I have the time, as my quality time is spending time with my DD and the rest of my time is spent on my project (although I went out socialising an awful lot pre-lockdown). I've been spending a lot more time with DD and her dad (he was rubbish in relationship but amazing with DD).

I've had a nosey on and off dating websites and last week a very good looking guy messaged and weve been chatting. As soon as he mentioned about meeting, and then messaging more frequently (first thing in morning and lots in day and at night) and asking if we could talk on the phone has put me off him massively! One of the reasons I finished the last relationship is ebcuase he wanted to see me more (twice a week suited me - anymore felt like I was eating into time with my little one and my degree)

I dream one day of having a family and at 31 I panic that this is not going to be possible. But the thought of a relationship does not appeal to me in the slightest! This guy Wants to meet at the weekend and although hes beautiful looking I really cant be arsed! What is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Henio · 18/02/2021 21:10

Can't offer any advice but I'm in exactly the same situation, weirdly I'm 31 as well and doing an open uni degree 😆 I can't bare the thought of being in a relationship again, may change some day but at the moment, sorry there's no help there just wanted to say you're not alone!

Original poster
Mindfulmummy1 · 18/02/2021 21:12

@Henio glad to hear I'm not the only one! I wonder what it is! Have you got little ones?

OP posts:
Cpl1586407 · 18/02/2021 21:16

Don't blame you for not wanting to date - it's grim out there!

And you do have a family OP, you and your daughter are a family Smile

Henio · 18/02/2021 21:16

I have a dd who is almost 2 years old, I just don't want the hassle of it all at the moment, I would love another child at some point but the thought of getting into a relationship is just do off putting

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 18/02/2021 21:17

Theres nothing wrong with you. At all. Enjoy time right now with work and projects and your family. Things may change when and if you decide your priorities are elsewhere. It sounds like you are doing great.

rawalpindithelabrador · 18/02/2021 21:17

You already have a lovely family! You and your DD. Read the relationship board on here and the step parenting board, CBA'd to date myself. If you want another child why not plan to have one on your own with your DD?

There's nothing wrong with you? What's wrong is how women are conditioned to believe there's something wrong with them for not being in a relationship and enjoying being single.

seensome · 18/02/2021 21:18

Because you need to put your energy into yourself and your daughter, it's a recent break up so it's a good thing to focus on what you want. Dating often distracts you from focusing on job/studies and you find it hard to concentrate when you're messaging men that you don't even know.
It's not the right time for you to date if you're not wanting to.

sunset900 · 18/02/2021 21:18

I'm exactly the same although a bit older. When my last LTR finished I decided my focus would be my DC and my career and quickly realised that made me a lot happier than investing time and effort into a relationship. Not to say there aren't some good ones out there but the effort of finding them seems better spent elsewhere.

Givemeabreak88 · 18/02/2021 21:20

Well doesn’t sound like you’ve been single that long? I’ve been single 5 years with no dates at all. It really just doesn’t appeal to me and I still don’t feel ready to date.

Original poster
Mindfulmummy1 · 18/02/2021 21:24

@Givemeabreak88 its only been 6 months, and I my whole adult life I've only been single 12 months so far so it really isnt a huge amount of time. I just feel like as one of the previous posters mentioned that women are conditioned to believing that they should be in a relationship. I know that some friends (more like acquaintances) take pity on my single status.

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 18/02/2021 21:31

Oh yes I know what you mean, people think I’m very weird! I’ve had all sorts of comments, even from my ex. I think the longer you leave it the harder it becomes to want to actually date again.

Nahnahnah · 19/02/2021 00:55

You sound like you are happy and content with your life. I also have no interest and been single for 3 years. I don't miss it or feel the need for someone. My married friends constantly moan about their partners which reminds me maybe I should stay single Grin

Rainbowshine · 19/02/2021 14:34

I know that some friends (more like acquaintances) take pity on my single status.

I wouldn’t worry about their options if I were you.

Taking time investing in your life and your DD is healthy.

It says more about their insecurities that they think you can’t be happy unless you’re coupled up.

There’s a lot of research showing women that are single are happier and healthier than those in relationships!

SilverRoe · 19/02/2021 14:45

I bet you would not think there was anything wrong with a man who wanted to focus on his career rather than dating! I think you’re right to identify it’s just internalised sexism and expectations of women - that single women must be longing for a relationship and there’s something wrong with them for not being partnered up.

Next time anyone gives you ‘pity’ for being a single woman ask them why they think a woman’s worth is measured by whether she is in a relationship or not.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2021 14:57

You don't have to date, there's so much social pressure to confirm with how things are "supposed" to be. For some reason women are supposed to be miserable if they don't have a man in their lives. Just do whatever makes you happy!

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2021 14:57

conform*

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/02/2021 15:05

Why do you feel the need to be in a relationship? I've been a single parent for 5 years since my son was a baby, haven't even so much as flirted with a man.

Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 15:35

Prius of yourself OP

But not quite so proud of yourself not to name change before starting this thread, are you.

And yes yes. Let me guess. You’re new to OP

Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 15:35

proud that should read

Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 15:38

[quote Mindfulmummy1]@Givemeabreak88 its only been 6 months, and I my whole adult life I've only been single 12 months so far so it really isnt a huge amount of time. I just feel like as one of the previous posters mentioned that women are conditioned to believing that they should be in a relationship. I know that some friends (more like acquaintances) take pity on my single status.[/quote]
Single for five years year since divorce

Never have I felt pity from other

And nor have I ever felt “conditioned” to be with a man.

hilariousnamehere · 26/04/2021 15:38

Nothing at all wrong with you Grin you can be single by choice and much happier than in a relationship - have a look online for Bella de Paulo's writing about single at heart.

Itsabeautifulday81 · 26/04/2021 16:22

I am so sorry, wrong thread I thought it was the thread about lack of motivation

SpicyChocolate · 07/02/2022 07:10

@Henio You sound like you’re In a great space with your career/uni, your daughter and within yourself. There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship right now, you’re happy and that’s all that matters. Even if you feel you want to date but not get into a relationship that’s fine, you can date someone and just let them know where you’re at in terms of your time spent with them. Grin

gannett · 07/02/2022 09:11

I know that some friends (more like acquaintances) take pity on my single status.

I would distance myself from these people. If they're just acquaintances, screw their opinions anyway.

You don't need to date. Well... if you want a family, I guess you do, but you don't need to date right now when your life is so satisfying and fulfilling. If you never feel the urge to be in a relationship again that's fine as well.

IMO you should come off the dating sites completely because you don't sound like you need or want dates. However if you do dip your toe in, it's also fine to set firm time boundaries and tell men you don't want to commit to more than a certain number of times per week. I think that would be better for both you and them.

pointythings · 07/02/2022 11:00

You have a family - you and DD. You have a career which is flourishing. You don't feel the desire to date. All that is great! We're still living in a world where women are expected to want to be in a relationship, but it's changing. So many of us realise that single can be pretty wonderful. Just go with it for now - and if the desire for a relationship comes back at some point, that's the time to pursue it.

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