Why do I not want to date

[Mindfulmummy1]

Hi,
I'm not sure what kind of advice I want or need, I am just a little unsure why I am the way I am and if anybody has any insight from my post.

I was in LTR with my DDs (5) dad, which was emotionally and financially abusive. When I left I was single 6 months before I got into a new relationship. This lasted 18months as I started to see a turn in his behaviour during lockdown which I didnt like, so I ended it.

Since being single I have completely thrown myself into my career and have advanced significantly. Each evening when my little girl is asleep I spend every night working on my project (flexible job working around daughter) and I much prefer this than speaking to anybody in the outside world. I feel a huge sense of comfort working on my job and degree.

I'm 31 and the thought of getting into a relationship again fills me with dread, where would I have the time, as my quality time is spending time with my DD and the rest of my time is spent on my project (although I went out socialising an awful lot pre-lockdown). I've been spending a lot more time with DD and her dad (he was rubbish in relationship but amazing with DD).

I've had a nosey on and off dating websites and last week a very good looking guy messaged and weve been chatting. As soon as he mentioned about meeting, and then messaging more frequently (first thing in morning and lots in day and at night) and asking if we could talk on the phone has put me off him massively! One of the reasons I finished the last relationship is ebcuase he wanted to see me more (twice a week suited me - anymore felt like I was eating into time with my little one and my degree)

I dream one day of having a family and at 31 I panic that this is not going to be possible. But the thought of a relationship does not appeal to me in the slightest! This guy Wants to meet at the weekend and although hes beautiful looking I really cant be arsed! What is wrong with me?

I dream one day of having a family and at 31 I panic that this is not going to be possible

Wake up OP - your are 31 & have a family.
Your career is taking off, you are doing a degree, you have more time for DD, & are not interested in dating.
BE HAPPY!

I think you are doing just great.
The fact that you are cross-examining yourself over the perfectly valid feeling of not wishing to date just shows how engrained society's expectations are.
Women in particular are sold the notion of romantic love as a cure-all, & are set up to be pitied if they don't have a partner. As if only a man can truly fulfil them.

It's bullshit. You're happy, you are building a great life for you & DD, & your love can come from many sources. Maybe one day you will want to date again. Maybe you won't. That's not important. What's important is that you listen to you gut & don't allow social conditioning to make your choices for you.
There is NOTHING "wrong with you."

Good luck with your studies :)

I am married but if I ever was single I don't think I would want to get into a relationship ever again. When I meet someone I go in too quickly and too deeply. Everything else going on in my life gets pushed to one side (except my DC), which is wrong but I cant seem to help myself. I cant focus on work, I cant concentrate on anything, I cant eat. I over analyse everything from the bloke inc any messaging. I'm the one who falls quickly and whereas I am not obviously full on (but am in my head, iykwim) I then get hurt/burnt when/if I get dumped. I can't cope with the elation and then potential huge drop/come down if I'm rejected. I'm too trusting and open and easily mislead. I also don't know how I would have enough time for someone new as I work FT, have 2 DC, a house to run, friends and family to see. I go on holiday with DC every year plus I have a holiday with friends too, so no time to have a 3rd holiday with a new fella.

It's most likely because your DD is your priority and you want to spend time with them, like the bloke who wants to meet up more than twice a week, the amount of free time he has is different to yours, if you were single and didn't have children I'd imagine you would be out there dating alot more. It's just alot more hassle when kids are allready on the scene unfortunately.

@jimmyjammy001

It's most likely because your DD is your priority and you want to spend time with them, like the bloke who wants to meet up more than twice a week, the amount of free time he has is different to yours, if you were single and didn't have children I'd imagine you would be out there dating alot more. It's just alot more hassle when kids are allready on the scene unfortunately.

How patronising!

OP: I don't want to date
PP: It's because you have a child. There must be a reason, you cannot just opt out of dating because ... erm .. you ... want to. You will get back to dating when your child is older, because the thought of a woman Not Dating is making my head explode.

You sound quite happy as you are;you'd maybe just like the other benefits of a relationship without being in one.Would a FWB situation suit you in this scenario?

Your current life sounds absolutely blissful and I'd get off the dating apps. You're just wasting people's time on there. (Said kindly!)

Enjoy your career, your DD, and Co-parenting with your ex. I'm sure a new guy will be along to bugger it all up again very soon 😂 so enjoy the now.

Would a FWB situation suit you in this scenario?

These get messy. I'd invest in a vibrator so powerful it can double as a jackhammer.

This thread was started in Feb 21 so not sure the OP will be reading these replies anymore.

@AlbertBridge

Would a FWB situation suit you in this scenario?

These get messy. I'd invest in a vibrator so powerful it can double as a jackhammer.

This made me laugh so hard and loud people on the train think I’m crazy

I’m 35, I’ve been single since splitting up with abusive ex 6 years ago, have a 6YO.

I’ll never date again. I don’t care about being old and lonely - better that than old and stuck with a bastard.

I love being single.