Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband doesn't seem to meet my needs, ever - nor is he bothered.

28 replies

JC2021 · 18/02/2021 11:48

he is my first long term relationship I've ever had and have nothing to compare to, but he is very selfish as a person, a lover, a taker for sure - but overall, now I'm a new mum he just doesn't seem to put me first ever. He never seems to leave the house, takes our son out once a week for about 2 hours max., he is and always has been more hermit than outgoing.. I do wonder wtf i'm doing here sometimes.. he wants it to always be about him and our son, i come last in the pecking order all.the.time.

when it's mothers day or my birthday, he buys a card and a drink we cheers, that's it for him and my son, I go all out..

He is currently wfh and the main breadwinner, he is also Eastern European and almost mimics the relationship his own mum and dad had.. his views on women - i don't believe he likes strong women..

whenever i put my need first, above him, he hates it - i can see it - he gets passive aggressive.. like with sleep, my son isn't a good sleeper and i am the one up most nights, the other night i said 'he gets in with you and i have a full night's rest'

when he does something, it's like he's a f*cking king - i'm growing very tired of it all tbh..

anyone else's experience been the same, either past or present?

my needs matter and that's what I will act upon, he likely won't like it, tough f*cking luck.

OP posts:

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 18/02/2021 11:52

I don't have experience of this but it sounds awful. You end your post with the right attitude but do you think that will feel fulfilling for you in the long term?

I would leave him.

HollowTalk · 18/02/2021 11:53

You know, you won't get a prize for sticking it out for years and years. Marriage isn't a prison sentence, either. If you don't like him (and I can understand that completely) then have a good long think about what a different life would look like.

I think the pandemic has taught us that life can be very short. Make the most of yours.

Pancake4life · 18/02/2021 11:54

you're choosing to be with him for what reason then? there's a lot of other men out there..

Original poster

JC2021 · 18/02/2021 12:08

Reasons why I'm with him; he's an amazing dad, he's all i've know, for safety and security, financial reasons...

sounds shi**y but being totally honest.

he can be loving and kind natured but usually most of our lives revolve around him, his wants/needs..

I don't have a career of my own and have been in the background of our relationship for a long time, lost my own purpose/identity i suppose..

being a new mum, i feel i am becoming somewhat stronger and less ready to put up with bulls*it of any kind..

OP posts:

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 18/02/2021 12:22

I'd rather be happy.

He can still be a good father without you being married to him.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2021 12:22

I think you need to find your own identity, go back to work if you can and probably leave him

He sounds like a sexist so that’s not a great example for your son, think about how you would feel if your son treats his future partner like that

MotherExtraordinaire · 18/02/2021 15:24

@JC2021

when it's mothers day or my birthday, he buys a card and a drink we cheers, that's it for him and my son, I go all out..

He is currently wfh and the main breadwinner, he is also Eastern European and almost mimics the relationship his own mum and dad had.. his views on women - i don't believe he likes strong women..

when he does something, it's like he's a f*cking king - i'm growing very tired of it all tbh..

anyone else's experience been the same, either past or present?

my needs matter and that's what I will act upon, he likely won't like it, tough f*cking luck.

Tbh, I don't have heaps of sympathy here. You have opted to be in a relationship with a man who is from a culture that has very different values and now you expect him to suddenly align with yours, when you've known all along. Wtf did you think that he was suddenly going to be so different? You don't like him not putting you on a pedestal, when you choose to him. That's your choice! He's not unreasonable to expect that you put your family first and I presume that he believes he is doing so also. As for the feel i am becoming somewhat stronger and less ready to put up with bullshit of any kind.. I doubt this as if you were you would have not had a child with him to start with and it sounds that this is more a reaction due to sleep deprivation.

From experience, having a relationship with someone from a different culture can be amazing but there are lots of hurdles thay need crossing too that perhaps you would have to if you were with someone from the same culture. And only you can decide whether you're willing to put the effort I'm to make a success of the relationship or whether actually you've checked out and really need to consider your next move to end it and split up your child's home.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2021 15:27

For the millionth time, a man who treats his wife like shit is not an amazing dad.

Wanderlusto · 18/02/2021 15:30

@Aquamarine1029

For the millionth time, a man who treats his wife like shit is not an amazing dad.

This.

And cringe at 'I dont think he likes strong women'. Basically translates as he is a mysoginist.

Teach your son that women dont stay with assholes so that he grows up treating women with respect and care.

You deserve better. Everyone does.

cptartapp · 18/02/2021 15:39

If he's an amazing dad why are you the one getting up most nights?
Just call it a day. An amazing dad will be looking to have his child half the week anyway won't he?

Original poster

JC2021 · 18/02/2021 17:27

@MotherExtraordinaire wow thanks for your encouraging words.. it’s quite clear you don’t have sympathy. Not what I’m after. Just advice and others experience.

We’ve been together a long time and of course knew what I was getting into before I had my son with him..

However, the point I’m making is that I am changing, setting boundaries and becoming stronger - all the while he is still the same and continues to act the same..

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 18/02/2021 17:27

why do people think a man that treats the mother of his children horribly can be an "amazing dad"? i never understand this. an amazing dad would treat the mother of his children with respect at the very least. he's just teaching your child how HE thinks women should be treated by how he treats you.

MotherExtraordinaire · 18/02/2021 19:11

[quote JC2021]@MotherExtraordinaire wow thanks for your encouraging words.. it’s quite clear you don’t have sympathy. Not what I’m after. Just advice and others experience.

We’ve been together a long time and of course knew what I was getting into before I had my son with him..

However, the point I’m making is that I am changing, setting boundaries and becoming stronger - all the while he is still the same and continues to act the same..[/quote]
But why would he be going against his culture now, just because you've had a baby?
The gender roles are quite defined for Albanians. Have you spent any/much time in Albania? Try reading this for further information albania.unwomen.org/en/news-and-events/stories/2020/02/take-five-stereotypes-shape-our-interactions-with-others-and-with-the-world#:~:text=Women%20and%20girls%20in%20Albania,them%20to%20meet%20these%20expectations.

Treacletoots · 18/02/2021 19:46

Why do men treat women badly?

Because we let them. We tolerate their unacceptable behaviour. We marry them, have children, fail to work at our own careers then wonder how we end up in a position where we have no choice but to be completely reliant on our partners.

Things don't change if 'things don't change'. It's time to stand up to this mysogynistic prick and get out of this abusive relationship. A man isn't a wonderful father if he treats his partner like shit. A wonderful father doesn't have to be asked to do his share of nappies, night feeds, nursery drop offs or organise activities for his child. He does them because he's a good father.

Let's raise the bar, stop taking this shit and be responsible for your own destiny.

AnotherKrampus · 18/02/2021 20:22

You might be changing OP but he ain't. So, don't expect a 'there, there' from other posters and either take action or keep the status quo because you like all the trappings even if he is a totally ignorant stinkworzel

Original poster

JC2021 · 18/02/2021 20:23

@MotherExtraordinaire I wouldn’t say I’m ‘going against his culture’ but since having baby certain differences have become more prevalent and highlighted, also his mother, my MIL is quite against English/British and makes things worse in the background..

I know nothing about Albanian culture but thanks for the link.. I think having a baby brings about these culture differences even more so..

OP posts:

Original poster

JC2021 · 18/02/2021 20:30

@Treacletoots I agree with everything you’ve said here - although treated badly seems a step far.. define badly..?

He isn’t abusive, doesn’t sleep around and looks after us financially.

He is in his own world where he thinks of himself.. he has been quite controlling in the past and that’s the conflict now.. he has seen me raise my voice more than once and hit him on the arm in anger (very wrong I know I was a sleep deprived and crazed/insomnia)

I have low self esteem and anxiety, no family support - so yes the thought of leaving is harder not an easy one.. but I am also stronger than I have been

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2021 20:34

How come you don’t have a career of your own? How long have you been relying on him financially?

Wanderlusto · 18/02/2021 20:45

Control IS abuse.

user141635812632 · 18/02/2021 20:51

@Wanderlusto

Control IS abuse.

Exactly.

Treacletoots · 18/02/2021 22:04

He's not 'in his own world' OP he's selfish. Selfish people never not know they're selfish they just don't care. You can tell them til you're blue in the face but they won't change, because they don't want to. It suits them to be selfish and you are not their priority, they are, and always will be.

I speak from bitter experience, they only get worse. They won't listen, or change, because they don't want to. And whilst you're still here, they don't have to. Whilst you're reliant on him, you can't change that.

I divorced mine, 10 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. I haven't ever looked back.

FeckinCat · 18/02/2021 22:15

Reasons why I'm with him; he's an amazing dad, he's all i've know, for safety and security, financial reasons...

If you read about a woman who took her child out "once a week for about 2 hours max", rarely got up in the night even though her child woke up most nights, and insisted that the entire family put her own needs first - would you say that she was an amazing mum?

Your DH sounds more like a barely adequate dad.

Providora · 18/02/2021 22:16

Culture is a red herring here, the English speaking world is awash with men with exactly the same attitudes.

OP I don't know what advice to offer because I don't think there's much you can do to change a person from who they fundamentally are. But you have a choice about whether you accept and adapt, or call it a day and move on.

ProfessorPootle · 18/02/2021 22:33

I agree with pp, culture is a red herring. My dh of 20 years is Albanian and is not a selfish, lazy misogynist. He did a lot of the nights when our dc were young despite having to get up for work at 5.30am, was much better than me at taking them out places on his own.

The problem here is your dh, he’s always been like this from what you say but having a baby has highlighted it further. Think about what you expect from a relationship and co-parent, if it’s not what he’s offering then make steps to leave.

ahsan · 18/02/2021 22:43

Sounds identical to my ex husband would leave him before you end up with three kids like me he will not get better trust me only get worse

Flip

1 2