Why should I feel sorry for my ex?

[Givemeabreak88]

I have 4 children with my ex and since we split he’s just been an awful father and that’s putting it nicely! He hasn’t bothered with them at all since we’ve split and I’ve been left to do all of the raising of them alone. And I mean totally alone. The pattern has been he will disappear for a year, pop up asking to see them, saying before he was “going through things”, mental health problems etc, then see them for a few months, then suddenly just disappear again! This has been going on since we split over 4 years ago. I don’t think he’s even managed 6 months in their lives before he just can’t be bothered anymore. He’s contact consist of him coming her to see them. He’s never done any parenting and the children think of him more as a big brother or uncle type figure. Any time there is a disagreement between me and him then he won’t see them again. His contact is purely based on whether he gets on with me or not. Anyway when speaking to people about it I get told that I should feel “sorry” for him because maybe he’s going through things?! I’ve even been told that at least he asks to see them sometimes and that must be really hard for him so I should not ignore his efforts, however small! And it must be so painful for him to try to reach out when he is fighting his demons!

What about me?! He doesn’t care how painful and hard it is for me raising 4 children alone, it’s like I’m not allowed to feel like going through things because I am not allowed to. Anything I go through I have to put aside because I have children to look after and I’m not allowed to go through things because I don’t have anyone else to hand my children to whilst I go through things (for 4 years ) is it just me that thinks there is no good enough reason to not see your children? I’ve been basically told to let him come and go as he pleases as it must be so hard for him to reach out each time

You can't make him step up as a parent. And it isnt worth trying to make him. It is only you who ends up frustrated.

Depends how old the children are. I tell mine. Dad does love you. But he is a rubbish a dad. And shouldn't let them down like he does.

I don't engage with him at any level. I don't chase him for money or contact. I ask him for nothing. If he asks to see the children they are Available. It achieves nothing when I tackle him and then he can blame me because I've kicked up a fuss. So I don't give him that ammunition. And I stopped lying and covering up for him.

If he is telling lies or is blaming me it is too people I have no interest in. Let him get on with it. Mine and the children's mental well-being is more valuable than trying to argue with stupid.

I’ve never chased him for contact, I leave him to it but he pops up every year asking for contact and then disappears after a few months. My sister refers to it as his “annual check up” I’ve never contacted him asking to see them. I’ve given up on him ever being a dad. It’s more when people ask me about him. Where he is why he doesn’t seem them etc, obviously having 4 I get asked a lot where the father is or when I’ve spoken to male friends it’s usually them saying well poor him must be so difficult seeing his kids 🙄

Just don't buy into the conversations. I'd answer with he knows where we are if he ever wants to see them. Etc. I've had periods of not knowing where the children's father is and having no means to contact him other than his email. As I said I don't cover for him. I'm not about to paint myself the bad person when I'm clearly not. If people ask I tell them the truth. He doesn't priorities his children.

People are strange. I think you're handling all of this well considering you are just letting him do what he is. Not much else you can do.

As for feeling sorry for him, no. There is no excuse like you say.
What about the potential issues he is putting on the kids by only being in their life when he wants to. He's not considering their mental health, so why the fork should you consider his?
When people say its hard for him, just remind them that being a lone parent of 4 kids isn't exactly a walk in the park!

That’s what I don’t get really, people seem to have more sympathy for my ex and what he is going through than me it’s like because I’m just getting on with it I must be fine. I’ve not had a single day away from my children in 4 years, I’ve never had a full night to myself since we’ve split. My mum will have one of them if I’m “lucky” I’ve been expected to home school 3 children and with a toddler in tow with zero break, but yeh poor ex life must be so hard for him reaching out one a year.

Which people are saying this?

Quite a few people. friends have made comments about it, if I tell people they are not seeing their dad anymore when asked, then I’ve had “aww poor must be so tough for him” if I say stuff like well it’s the last chance now as I can’t keep letting him do this I get “oh please dont, you need to understand how hard it must be for him reaching out” but also had the same stuff from people online when posting for advice, it seems a lot of people feel this way.

Op I’m in a similar position with a stbexh who sees one dc for about six hours a week and has really proved to be a shit parent.

Obviously yours is much worse and I do feel for you, having no break, and caring for four children, my point I’m about to make is that it’s just so hard to believe a parent would turn their back on their dc so like so I suppose people look for other reasons. Can you remove those people from your life?

Cross post, do those people not consider the effect on your dc of having a dad like that? Their sympathy is misplaced.

How old are your children?
Can you get them to do chores, to help you out?

I think my children are expected to not feel anything! I’ve had he must care because if he didn’t he would just disappear completely 🤔 how does popping up once a year prove you care?! Apparently I should help him to bond with them because maybe that is the problem but I can’t make him bond with his own children and I’m not sure why that’s my responsibility, I’ve done as much as I can every time he appears I say he can come to my house to see them and spend time with them until they are comfortable going with him on their own because he can’t just expect them to want to go anywhere with someone that’s been absent for a year, that works out all fine and he sees them and for a few months he will be good, then as soon as I say well now is the time for you to have them on your own and make your own plans funnily enough that’s when he decides it’s too much and can’t cope and disappears.

Oh and I should add the time in the past when we fell out when he stopped seeing them again was because he said he wasn’t planning on seeing them for 3 weeks and I said it wasn’t good enough and that contact needed to be regular. That prompted him to not see them again, I don’t know how this can be constantly blamed on mental health problems, it’s just laziness. His relationship with them is purely based on how he gets on with me, if he isn’t getting on with me then he won’t see them. It’s nothing to do with mental health.

My exh was a bit like this , would see the dcs if I, basically, "delivered" them to him like a parcel.

Any effort at all on his part, any, and his "Mh" popped up.

Sadly they now haven't seen him in years, we don't even know where He lives/ any contact details.

Don't give him any kind of relationship with you. Keep conversations strictly about contact.

My oldest child's dad was using contact as a way to control and get to me. When I removed myself from the equation he vanished completely.

I stopped asking about contact, I stopped suggesting things to help contact, I offered nothing from me end. Once he realised he was never going to get a rise out of me he stopped all contact. He now tells people that if his child wants a relationship he just needs to message, only ds has done this and dad has let him down. Dad likes to leave that part out though when telling others about it. My ds is much much better without him fleeting in and out of his life. Especially since I was the focus of the contact with dad asking about me etc.

So you could try and remove yourself from the equation and drop giving suggestions on contact. See how that pans out

I'm sure it's been said by other players but If in were you I would stop allowing the contact in your home.

Love is an action , it's a verb, your dcs need to see their dad show love in an active not just a passive manner.

My children have never been stopped from seeing their Disney Dad, but I did stop him coming to my home, due to his visits only being when he was single.
They were encouraged to contact him themselves, it was brilliant they finally realised I was not stopping contact, he just couldn't be bothered.

It’s hard to remove myself as he is unable to see them children without my input, he isn’t able to take them to his house so contact consists of coming down here to see them and take them out (precovid) then bring them back. He’s now stopped seeing them again because of Covid and having nowhere to take them. He’s never had them overnight due to his living situation so he will only take them out for the day. Any time I mention about him stepping up or taking responsibility I get they are my responsibility and I “chose” to have them. He acts like they are something that was inflicted on him with no choice. And yes that’s basically it anytime it’s something he doesn’t want to do he shouts mental illness. His excuse every single time for disappearing was that he wasn’t well, but then he says he is better but does that exact same thing after a short while.

I did stop the contact in my home then Covid hit and now he won’t see them because he has nowhere to take them.

What a selfish tool your children have for a dad.
Your problem is your too nice. You want your children to have a dad, but he doesn't want to be a dad .
Sometime s people don't value what they don't have to chase. Start saying No.
Tell him if he wants access to his children you want set times, or a week's notice, via text., Otherwise it's no.
Honest being harder and making him value his dad time may help.

OP I've no idea why people express sympathy for him to you, that seems just plain stupid of them. It sounds to me like you are an amazing mum and this man is a waste of space. For your own peace of mind and as clarity for the children, I think you have to effectively write him off. If/when he pops up, fine he can see his kids if he's no threat to them, but not at your place as it's not convenient for you. Just leave him behind.

I think people think I should be more supportive of him because he has mental health issues? I don’t know I’m not even sure how more supportive I can be than I already have. I don’t know anyone that lets their ex in their house to see the kids! My kids ask why he doesn’t take them to school like their friends dads or why they can’t go to his house, he always fobs them off and mainly blames me. Why should I be supporting him I can’t stand him and he isn’t my responsibility. I guess my point is he doesn’t care about me and my life and how hard things are for me.

I just mean remove yourself from any kind of personal relationship with him. Keep it strictly about the kids. No talks of how hard it is for him, or you. Just "can I see the kids this Friday?" Your response being yes or no with a time arranged.
If he texts to ask how the kids are, just a blunt "they're good"

If you're happy for the current arrangement being in your home then allow it to continue. If not, then tell him it's a no and that he can take them out. If he chooses not to, that is on him not you.
As soon as your oldest can take over communication with him, then let that happen. That way the kids are being told directly from the horses mouth.

He doesn't really need to take into account how hard things are for you, just as much as you don't need to take his personal life into account either.
It should just be about the kids.

Yes I see what you’re saying. That’s one of the reasons why I removed him from WhatsApp so we only communicate through text now.

I'm another who hasn't got a clue why anyone would expect you to feel sorry for this waste of space.

I think it's similar to people that grew up in abusive homes and cut off contact when grown, you get but they're your parent, they love you, I'm sure if you just talked you could sort it out. It's the same with yoyo parents where people think that the guy couldn't just be a shitty person that doesn't care about the affect on the kids, he must love them but be so mentally ill he can't even keep contact with his kids. I'm a believer in keeping contact open and letting kids seeing for themselves what the other parent is like (unless safeguarding issues obviously), but think only a small proportion of absent or yoyo fathers are due to genuine mental health issues rather than just being shitty selfish people. My lo's dad is absent completely but dips in and out of his other 2 kids lives (when trying to bed the mothers, he knows i wouldn't touch him with a barge pole so leaves my lo well alone which I think is a blessing) but I would keep the door open and allow visitation if he wanted just so it would be her being able to see it wasn't me standing in his way as I know he would 100% blame me. I don't get angry about it though cos he doesn't give a shit and the only person that would feel any way about it is me. Not worth my time or emotions, that's much better spent on making sure my lo knows there is a parent that is there no matter what just like you for your 4.
Because I know it can feel like when you're the one doing it all people forget that.... you're the one doing it all, can I just say I think you sound like an amazing mum, I'm finding it hard with one so am in awe of you. No poor your ex, poor you and your kids and I'm sorry your ex is how he is.