Why should I feel sorry for my ex?

[Givemeabreak88]

I have 4 children with my ex and since we split he’s just been an awful father and that’s putting it nicely! He hasn’t bothered with them at all since we’ve split and I’ve been left to do all of the raising of them alone. And I mean totally alone. The pattern has been he will disappear for a year, pop up asking to see them, saying before he was “going through things”, mental health problems etc, then see them for a few months, then suddenly just disappear again! This has been going on since we split over 4 years ago. I don’t think he’s even managed 6 months in their lives before he just can’t be bothered anymore. He’s contact consist of him coming her to see them. He’s never done any parenting and the children think of him more as a big brother or uncle type figure. Any time there is a disagreement between me and him then he won’t see them again. His contact is purely based on whether he gets on with me or not. Anyway when speaking to people about it I get told that I should feel “sorry” for him because maybe he’s going through things?! I’ve even been told that at least he asks to see them sometimes and that must be really hard for him so I should not ignore his efforts, however small! And it must be so painful for him to try to reach out when he is fighting his demons!

What about me?! He doesn’t care how painful and hard it is for me raising 4 children alone, it’s like I’m not allowed to feel like going through things because I am not allowed to. Anything I go through I have to put aside because I have children to look after and I’m not allowed to go through things because I don’t have anyone else to hand my children to whilst I go through things (for 4 years ) is it just me that thinks there is no good enough reason to not see your children? I’ve been basically told to let him come and go as he pleases as it must be so hard for him to reach out each time

Your friends must have very low standards.
He should be ashamed of himself.

I've got a similar one. My son is 9 this year. His dad cycles in and out of his life and it's so fucking frustrating to watch. When he's mentally healthy, my boy gets all of his attention (for the weekend) but then the weather changes or a woman rejects him and he loses his shit entirely. Just vanishes from his life and attacks me with accusations of making everything difficult and being abusive.

I don't claim money from him. I don't chase him for contact. I let him see his son when he's up for it and then when he's down I distance myself to avoid the abuse.

But everyone sympathises with him because he's mentally unwell. And it fucking irks the shit out of me. I, personally, have been stitched, medicated, in and out of hospital and the care of mental health team... I manage to gain and maintain employment, I keep my kids fed and dressed and don't just abuse him when life gets hard. But I have to bend over backwards to accommodate his poor mental health.

He was watching our son (living in my house) when my father died, whilst I stayed with my mother. The day before my family were set to view my dad's body, he called me and informed me that he was moving to Bristol (from Cardiff) and I had to get my son from school because he wouldn't be there to get him. So I went to the other side of the city to collect my son from school and stopped home on the way, he was sat there in his pyjamas, watching my TV with a bin full of condoms next to him.

He didn't see his son for months after that episode. He came back into his life again with an online girlfriend and a spring in his step telling me how everything is my fault. He's not well etc etc.

I got massively sidetracked there, sorry.

Basically he's not unwell, he's just a lazy prick who can't be bothered being a proper dad and that's not your fault or problem. All you can do is wait until your kids can choose for themselves to not be involved with the waste of space.

singlemummanurse

I do think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. It’s kind of come up in conversation recently because I’ve said that I do want to close contact now as I can’t have him dipping in and out every year. It’s not fair on my kids, he has damaged the older ones and I don’t want him doing the same to the youngest. If he has mental health issues then why is it ok to inflict them on my children as mine will end up with issues from how he treats them. My daughter went through a phase of absolutely begging me to “get her a new dad” she use to cry her eyes out daily begging for me to get her a dad, begging her teachers to be her dad
, it was awful.

Short of the sort of mental health issues that require hospitalisation etc, it's hard to understand how anyone would be sympathetic towards him and I think it's actually a really really sad indictment of our society that you have to deal with this.

I don't have any advice except to say I would push back each and every time. I'd be tempted to say some variation of, "Well, his mental health doesn't stop him being out and about/ working/ finding girlfriends etc so not sure why it impacts his ability to take responsibility for his children."

I'm in this boat with my younger two children, and I would not be re-opening the door to any contact. I am clear with everyone that after almost 3 years of no contact, that ship has sailed for my ex, and I would go to the ends of the earth to protect my kids from the mental health impacts of a Disney dad.

I'm the wrong side of 40 with young children that I now parent totally on my own. They're amazing dont get me wrong, but I've not had a single day without them for almost 3 years. It does make you feel angry but you are doing a brilliant job.

And if the people supporting and sympathising with him are friends, you need some new ones x

@Givemeabreak88 maybe it might be worth watching something where the theme is cutting someone (not a dad or parent but maybe friends or relationship) who is toxic out of your life and that being OK to do, then have an open conversation about it being OK to cut people out that constantly hurt you. If the people that are telling you that they feel sorry for your ex were someone she would talk about her feelings around her dad to, or have the same view as them, they could be telling her that of course her dad loves her and wants to spend time with her etc, which can be very confusing and hurtful to kids. The actions and other people's words aren't matching up. Having that kind of general conversation might make her think and connect the dots? Then when dad next pops up ask her how she feels about it and let her know it's her choice and that when making the decision it's only about what makes her happy, not what she thinks any grown ups want to hear? Obviously you know her best so whether that would be helpful or not would depend on your dd but sometimes looking at different relationships with similar themes can build a bridge to its OK to not keep letting my dad in and out cos it keeps hurting me.

I suspect it's because they can't imagine not seeing their children and that, if his mental health is so poor that he can't even see his children then it must be really bad.

I agree that they won't give a second thought to you because you're coping you don't have much choice really do you?

I also find that people have an odd way of infantilising men (whilst also giving them all the power!) He's quite a pathetic character in their eyes though, whilst you are strong.

I would point out, as someone else said, that it's not as difficult for him not seeing them as it is for you being a lone parent of 4 children. Lay it on thick. And then tell them thebinpact it has on your children. Describe what your day is like and then remind them that not seeing them is his choice.

There are 5 victims of his behaviour but he is not one of them!

I'd be inclined to refuse his nnual contact requests too, tbh, although, again, I understand why you wouldn't.

My son is 22. He's never met his father. He has a good step dad who has continued to be his dad even though we split up 8 years ago. Including paying maintenance. Your ex is a disgrace.

There came a point when the door was no longer open for my son's father to make contact (in my head - in reality, he's never tried) and that was the point at which son said he had no interest in meeting him. Obviously, if he'd got in touch and my son had changed his mind, I wouldnt have prevented it. My point is that it's not the man's choice to just drift in and out when he pleases.

This is far more damaging to children that the constancy of nothing

The excusing of men's bad behaviour is astonishing. BIL is a total prat who is absolutely taking advantage of SIL and making her life hell. She pays for everything, does the bulk of childcare (except when he has DC one day a week while she works - the other days she works the DC are at school and nursery), she does the vast bulk of cooking/cleaning/laundry etc. PIL don't particularly like him.....

.... and yet, the moment SIL so much as raises her voice it's all, "Ooh, poor BIL, he puts up with a lot!" Enrages me.

Yep there is the mentality that mums should do everything for their kids and if dads so much as take their kids to the park they are doing a good job. My ex makes out like his contact with them is to do me a favour.