Feeling lost and lacking hope.

[MovingForwardish]

I'm not sure what this post will achieve, maybe just to get things off my chest as I'm sure my family and friends are completely fed up by now with listening to my ramblings.

I think I've hit a wall. I'm tired of life, heartbreak and having to get up and start again.

My ltr ended 5 years ago. Not my choice. It hit me hard and he left me in an absolute mess. We have a DC and I did everything I could to pick myself up and start again. I have my own home, a good career and a fabulous, healthy DC, so objectively I know how lucky I am and I'm so sorry if I come across as ungrateful, I really am trying to be more thankful for what I have.

What has followed has been a disaster. I met someone who turned out to be extremely emotionally and verbally abusive and eventually physically abusive. Once it reached that point, I ended it and got out.

I stayed single for a while, then met someone last year. We were together 6 months, but something seemed off from the start. He was hyper critical about everything I did. Totally lacking in empathy. Lots of weird, controlling things framed as trying to 'help' me. Lots of harshness under the guise of 'banter' so I was constantly accused of being too sensitive. I couldn't bring anything up that was bothering me as I was accused of starting an argument. Never anything particularly major and I hate arguing, but it always ended up with me being bellowed at. It ended a while ago and I have since found out he lied about something really big. Not just one lie, but many, many others - all to reinforce the original lie and make it seem more legitimate. This lie was told to make him appear as someone he was not. More successful than he was.
I did love him, but I know how pathetic he was now and that I could never have trusted him in the end. Plus the fact he was pretty horrible to me.

I'm just so sad. Sad that I'm 40 soon and I'm literally the only one in my social circle that is single. Sad that my poor DC won't have this wealth of family memories that everyone else around is building up as the years go on. Its just me and DC. He deserves more than just me. We've had some fabulous holidays together, we are such a tight team, and I do try to make everything we do special but I'm so sad for him that he's had this bitty, half family. No sibling to make memories with. I feel like I've let him down.

I feel like my life is at a complete standstill. Everyone around me is building their lives with their families and I'm just waiting for the point where I feel like I'm ok. I'm not. I'm so lonely. I've never been great with my own company and I'm tired of being on my own, meeting people who seemed so wonderful to begin with, then revealed themselves to not be very good people at all. Then having to deal with the heartbreak. I just want a happy ending. To have someone who genuinely cares about me and to share my life with. I do think I'm a pretty good partner, I'm kind, caring and generous and I really show people I love them.

I just feel like I'm failing at life. I know how maudlin this sounds and that I should be grateful for what I HAVE got and I am. I just feel like half a person.

If you've read all this self pitying nonsense, thank you. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just some reassurance that I won't feel like this forever.

OP I have one DC, raised her pretty much on my own (got divorced when DC was little), she is now at university and grew up to be a very confident, sociable person with lots of great friends! I often felt like you - guilty that she was an only child raised by a single parent. When I finally confided in her she said she loved being an only child! She had my undivided attention when growing up and we still have a very close bond, she certainly doesn’t feel like she’s been worse off compared to her friends with siblings....just saying...!

Sorry you are feeling this way but just because people are with someone/married doesnt mean they are happy. Lots of people probably wish they were single and may be looking at you thinking lucky her..! She can do what she likes!

You and DC are a family. I know its hard to just have one child- we only have one (a miracle ivf i couldnt possibly expect another) so I do get that. Though DC says he’s happy being only one ( his best friend has 3 little sisters to contend with!)

I am you, but at 48. But rather than despair, you're also in a very good position. You can be very choosy as you already have everything that you need. The wish for an additional child did diminish for me, although for you, it isn't out of the possibility of having another.
But be choosy, there's a lot of dross out there. Get yourself some very good ending relationship lines! But stay strong, always look for those red flags and maybe don't look...unless you're in the supermarket!

Just a perspective to consider as you mention being worried about your DS.

It was just me and Mum growing up

I had her full attention and love. I grew up secure and confident; and able to spend periods of time alone as an adult which meant I didn’t settle for a shit relationship.

In turn, I think growing up as an only child has played a big role in me turning out to be independent, driven and in a great place in life (happily married, but happy in own company etc)

Good luck, OP

Ah, these are lovely stories, thank you xx

Lock down is not helping right now! I have lovely friends and family but its so hard when you've gone from having someone there (no matter how awful) to no one.
I think I need to appreciate the good in my life and stop focusing on the negatives. Thank you x

I feel the same. Like you I have lovely healthy children, my own home and career but I want someone to share it with. I’ve been single for the best part of 8 years after leaving a horrible abusive relationship.

I wasn’t fussed about meeting someone until about 2 years ago but I’ve never really got passed the talking stage. Now I can’t face another talking stage at all, so pointless. I’m hoping once lockdown is over I’ll meet someone naturally😞it’s horrible tho I do fear I may be single forever.

Op if you want to feel a bit better about being a great single mum— don’t go on thexwill I find love after 40 threads, go on the unhappily married/when can I leave the bastard threads —- many to pick from! Would you know this if you saw them out in a family restaurant/shopping etc— probably not— you would be thinking they look a good family unit— so please- never judge a book by its cover. You sound fab, you probably are fab— the minute in any relationship where you aren’t committed long term and the guy starts with telling you all your shortcomings- bin him— it’s plain rude and if he really cares he won’t care or notice them

@yetmorecrap yes! I am utterly fed up with being picked on for the slightest flaw!

I KNOW my flaws and I'm working on them, but I know despite these flaws I am a good person. I would never dream of carrying out such brutal character assassinations on anyone like I have experienced. Nobody is perfect.

@Nicolanomore24 I'm sorry you feel so crappy about things. I feel the same about the whole getting to know someone stage... lockdown has been harsh. But I'm trying to have faith that there are some good, kind people left x