Feeling lost and lacking hope.

[MovingForwardish]

I'm not sure what this post will achieve, maybe just to get things off my chest as I'm sure my family and friends are completely fed up by now with listening to my ramblings.

I think I've hit a wall. I'm tired of life, heartbreak and having to get up and start again.

My ltr ended 5 years ago. Not my choice. It hit me hard and he left me in an absolute mess. We have a DC and I did everything I could to pick myself up and start again. I have my own home, a good career and a fabulous, healthy DC, so objectively I know how lucky I am and I'm so sorry if I come across as ungrateful, I really am trying to be more thankful for what I have.

What has followed has been a disaster. I met someone who turned out to be extremely emotionally and verbally abusive and eventually physically abusive. Once it reached that point, I ended it and got out.

I stayed single for a while, then met someone last year. We were together 6 months, but something seemed off from the start. He was hyper critical about everything I did. Totally lacking in empathy. Lots of weird, controlling things framed as trying to 'help' me. Lots of harshness under the guise of 'banter' so I was constantly accused of being too sensitive. I couldn't bring anything up that was bothering me as I was accused of starting an argument. Never anything particularly major and I hate arguing, but it always ended up with me being bellowed at. It ended a while ago and I have since found out he lied about something really big. Not just one lie, but many, many others - all to reinforce the original lie and make it seem more legitimate. This lie was told to make him appear as someone he was not. More successful than he was.
I did love him, but I know how pathetic he was now and that I could never have trusted him in the end. Plus the fact he was pretty horrible to me.

I'm just so sad. Sad that I'm 40 soon and I'm literally the only one in my social circle that is single. Sad that my poor DC won't have this wealth of family memories that everyone else around is building up as the years go on. Its just me and DC. He deserves more than just me. We've had some fabulous holidays together, we are such a tight team, and I do try to make everything we do special but I'm so sad for him that he's had this bitty, half family. No sibling to make memories with. I feel like I've let him down.

I feel like my life is at a complete standstill. Everyone around me is building their lives with their families and I'm just waiting for the point where I feel like I'm ok. I'm not. I'm so lonely. I've never been great with my own company and I'm tired of being on my own, meeting people who seemed so wonderful to begin with, then revealed themselves to not be very good people at all. Then having to deal with the heartbreak. I just want a happy ending. To have someone who genuinely cares about me and to share my life with. I do think I'm a pretty good partner, I'm kind, caring and generous and I really show people I love them.

I just feel like I'm failing at life. I know how maudlin this sounds and that I should be grateful for what I HAVE got and I am. I just feel like half a person.

If you've read all this self pitying nonsense, thank you. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just some reassurance that I won't feel like this forever.

[MovingForwardish]

@yetmorecrap yes! I am utterly fed up with being picked on for the slightest flaw!

I KNOW my flaws and I'm working on them, but I know despite these flaws I am a good person. I would never dream of carrying out such brutal character assassinations on anyone like I have experienced. Nobody is perfect.

@Nicolanomore24 I'm sorry you feel so crappy about things. I feel the same about the whole getting to know someone stage... lockdown has been harsh. But I'm trying to have faith that there are some good, kind people left x

[yetmorecrap]

Op if you want to feel a bit better about being a great single mum— don’t go on thexwill I find love after 40 threads, go on the unhappily married/when can I leave the bastard threads —- many to pick from! Would you know this if you saw them out in a family restaurant/shopping etc— probably not— you would be thinking they look a good family unit— so please- never judge a book by its cover. You sound fab, you probably are fab— the minute in any relationship where you aren’t committed long term and the guy starts with telling you all your shortcomings- bin him— it’s plain rude and if he really cares he won’t care or notice them

[Nicolanomore24]

I feel the same. Like you I have lovely healthy children, my own home and career but I want someone to share it with. I’ve been single for the best part of 8 years after leaving a horrible abusive relationship.

I wasn’t fussed about meeting someone until about 2 years ago but I’ve never really got passed the talking stage. Now I can’t face another talking stage at all, so pointless. I’m hoping once lockdown is over I’ll meet someone naturally😞it’s horrible tho I do fear I may be single forever.

[MovingForwardish]

Ah, these are lovely stories, thank you xx

Lock down is not helping right now! I have lovely friends and family but its so hard when you've gone from having someone there (no matter how awful) to no one.
I think I need to appreciate the good in my life and stop focusing on the negatives. Thank you x

[Wickstead]

Just a perspective to consider as you mention being worried about your DS.

It was just me and Mum growing up

I had her full attention and love. I grew up secure and confident; and able to spend periods of time alone as an adult which meant I didn’t settle for a shit relationship.

In turn, I think growing up as an only child has played a big role in me turning out to be independent, driven and in a great place in life (happily married, but happy in own company etc)

Good luck, OP

[B1rdflyinghigh]

I am you, but at 48. But rather than despair, you're also in a very good position. You can be very choosy as you already have everything that you need. The wish for an additional child did diminish for me, although for you, it isn't out of the possibility of having another.
But be choosy, there's a lot of dross out there. Get yourself some very good ending relationship lines! But stay strong, always look for those red flags and maybe don't look...unless you're in the supermarket!

[Lozzerbmc]

Sorry you are feeling this way but just because people are with someone/married doesnt mean they are happy. Lots of people probably wish they were single and may be looking at you thinking lucky her..! She can do what she likes!

You and DC are a family. I know its hard to just have one child- we only have one (a miracle ivf i couldnt possibly expect another) so I do get that. Though DC says he’s happy being only one ( his best friend has 3 little sisters to contend with!)

[Malena77]

OP I have one DC, raised her pretty much on my own (got divorced when DC was little), she is now at university and grew up to be a very confident, sociable person with lots of great friends! I often felt like you - guilty that she was an only child raised by a single parent. When I finally confided in her she said she loved being an only child! She had my undivided attention when growing up and we still have a very close bond, she certainly doesn’t feel like she’s been worse off compared to her friends with siblings....just saying...!

[MovingForwardish]

Thank you, that does give me hope. I think I need to work on my boundaries first though. I seem to have gone from one abusive relationship to one that wasn't outwardly abusive, but I definitely put up with shit that wasn't ok.

[that1970shouse]

Don't give up hope. I was over 40 when I met my now DH.

[MovingForwardish]

Thank you

You're completely right, we have a fantastic bond, we're so very close. I may be biased but he is such a thoughtful loving boy and so funny!
I need to buck up and be thankful for that and stop concentrating on things I can't control.

[BooseysMom]

There is an absolute wealth of good advice here and I can't possibly improve upon it.

I do like this sentence and as i think I have always wanted multiple DC it really helps to read this...

One big thing that stands out is you berating yourself for having an only child. That's not even unusual, let alone a failure - many people only want one child!

Once I work through the guilt of not being able to provide a sibling for DS I feel ok and that it's ok to have one. It doesn't make you any less of a family and having one is special, the relationship you have is often closer and more bonded without the splitting yourself in half or more the whole time and dealing with jealousy etc.
I hope that makes sense anyway!
I think you sound like a brilliant mum.

[MovingForwardish]

Thank you @ravenmum, you're right. It does make it harder not to wish for things to be different, when they once were.

I think I need to take a long hard look at myself and start being more grateful for what I DO have, because actually I am very lucky in lots of respects.

[ravenmum]

You're not criticising my sister, of course, Moving, but you really are criticising yourself. From the tone of your writing I bet you'd never say to someone else that their family unit was anything but "lovely" - as BuggerBognor says, treat yourself like you would a friend! Or even just my sister, that you don't know!

Part of my dream was to own my own home - and for a while I lived in my dream home and we were paying off the mortgage. That's gone now; I live in a tiny flat and am unlikely to be a home owner. Briefly having the dream life, and glimpsing that lovely future, really does fuck things up if it goes downhill later! It does take a bit of mourning. But we only get the one path in life, and it would be amazing if it was precisely the path we thought it would be. And possibly a bit boring ... :)

[MovingForwardish]

Thats a great way of looking at it, @BuggerBognor thank you!

Yes, I also wanted more than one child and I guess it just stings a bit when all of my friends with children have at least 2. I see their relationships and I feel sad for my DC that he won't have that. I have a sister who is a big part of my life and I feel its such a shame that my son won't have that close adult relationship with a sibling.
Aaaaaanyway.... it is what it is. I clearly need to learn to stop being so negative. I'm annoying myself!

[MovingForwardish]

I'm sorry, thats not what I intended at all. I'm not criticising anyone for how they live their life. Its just not what I wanted for myself. I did have a more 'typical' family for a while and that's just what I prefer. Its what feels natural for me, that's all.

[ravenmum]

Honestly, what would you say if you met someone who'd decided to go it alone as a single parent from the start, OP? "Oh, maybe your family unit might be 'good enough' if you kill yourself trying, but obviously it's not lovely"? My sister's a single mum now, with one daughter, and I'm starting to feel a bit defensive towards her, the way you are criticising her life!

[MovingForwardish]

@BuggerBognor thank you and I know you're right. I'm steering clear from anything like dating right now. Definitely not strong enough yet.
I think I'd just always seen myself having a lovely family unit. I'm trying to re frame my idea of what makes a 'good enough' family unit. Its hard though.

[MovingForwardish]

Thank you @AutumnRobin it has made me feel a bit better getting my thoughts out. Tbh I'm getting to the stage where I'm annoying myself with the misery!

@seensome I'm sorry you're going through something similar, its so tough isn't it? Unfortunately what's made it worse is that I didn't finish it, he did. Because I was annoying and a "fucking nob" apparently. But like I said upthread, I've since found out a few things that have made me realise actually he wasn't good enough for ME. A compulsive liar and a fantasist. Aside from all the put downs and lack of empathy. I think his critical behaviour and unkindness has all stemmed from him weaving this lie, worried he was going to be found out eventually. I have what he lied about and I think his ego just couldn't take it.

[seensome]

Just want to say I'm in a similar situation, long marriage ended 2 years ago, had another relationship that's just recently ended after 18 months, such mixed emotions feeling like a failure but also feeling strong not to put up with a bad relationship. My boyfriend sounded a lot like yours, always criticising and never anything nice to say, I had to end it.
I think sometimes we have to learn and go through shorter relationships to find what we really need, or at least I hope to find long happy relationship over 40, got to have hope.

[AutumnRobin]

Never feel bad about sharing your feelings. It’s ok not to be ok. Sometimes when we verbalise our inner thoughts and feelings it helps us to rationalise what’s important and relieves some of our anxieties and sometimes it does none of these things but it feels good to know someone else knows how we feel.
My little girl actually prefers it when we spend time together just the two of us so that she gets all my attention. Enjoy the time you can spend together
Concentrate on you and your little one and reach out to talk when you need to.

[MovingForwardish]

Do you know, its funny you should say that about abusive men. I remember early on in the last relationship him saying "I knew you were broken when I first met you." Looking back, not only was that a really unkind thing to say, but it was also a red flag I chose to ignore wasn't it?

I think I know deep down that I'm enough. The past 2 relationships I've had, they seemed to spend so much time pointing out my flaws and ignoring all the lovely, thoughtful things I did and said. I'm fully aware of all of my flaws, god knows I beat myself up enough about them, but I'd always thought that you love and care for someone despite these little flaws , as we're all human, right? I know I've got so much to give but I'm tired of being criticised. I've got so many lovely friends, many 25 years plus, so I can't be that bad to be around surely? The last ex had no friends. Again... perhaps a red flag I chose to ignore?

Thank you for your kind words, they've made me cry but in a nice way. I've had a really dark few days, I'm hoping the way I feel improves soon.

[PlinkPlink]

You've now had 2 relationships where they have been abusive. That's not your fault... abusive men are very good at picking out women who are susceptible to it. Once you've had it happen to you though, it takes alot of work to shift out of that cycle.

You sound very down on yourself. I think avoiding relationships until you work on yourself is an important thing to do. You need to see that you are worth time and love and respect.

Realise that you are enough. You are. You are. You are. You have a wonderful relationship with your son and you are not depriving him of anything.