Does having a bigger house = a better parent?

[Oldat40]

Just that really.

I share care 50/50 of our 13 and 10 yo boys with my ex-husband. He lives in the former matrimonial home which is five bed, four bathrooms. He also lives with his fianceé.

The boys spend the other half of the time with us in a rented three-bed; myself, my fiancé, and their eight month-old half sister. They have their own bedrooms.

Ex is again applying for more custody.

Will the marked difference in their living arrangements be taken into account?

That might be their Dad’s influence more than a reflection of their feelings.

Kids are very much out of sight out of mind to be honest, it doesn't reflect their feelings for you. That's been my experience anyway x

Your ex does sound like a shit. I wonder what his fiancee thinks of him trying to get more custody! Shame he doesn't think that 50:50 is fair for everyone.

I just wanted to say please don't get upset that the boys don't call you or reply to text message when they are with their dad. In a way I think it is kinder to just leave them to it while they are there. If you have 50:50 custody presumably it's only a few days that they are away from you and they are old enough to just be enjoying time with their dad.

@wewereliars

Kids are very much out of sight out of mind to be honest, it doesn't reflect their feelings for you. That's been my experience anyway x

I agree, teens are just terrible at thinking about how any one else will feel - they are finding themselves and it makes them very self centred.

However, I do think they do notice when someone is behaving like an arsehole. I'm sure they love their Dad and like the fun and treats his money brings, but they will absolutely spot that he is speaking ill of you. And they will appreciate there time with you.

...their...

Er. Definitely not.

@Oldat40 if you're the poster I think you are, your Ex was trying to alienate your boys from you while you were pregnant and using covid to scare your DC into not coming to your house. Did you ever end up looking into parental alienation? If you could prove this it would count against him in court. It's something courts take a dim view of.

@Kintsuji Sadly the courts don't recognise PA.
It was my turn to collect them after 10 days away and it was hell. Eldest was saying he wasn't going to get in the car to come home and stood in the rain for ages. I kept calm and eventually he got in. His dad stood at his front door with his arms folded as usual, no attempt to help support.
I then was called a fucking bitch, a fucking c**t, that he fucking hates me, doesn't love me and never wants to see me again etc. This went on for the duration of the journey home.
My youngest (10) is witness to all of this and sat in the back of the car looking terrified and wouldn't talk.
As soon as eldest got home he was fine again.
I just dont know what to do.

Do not be tempted to let your eldest get away with that behaviour because of the situation. He needs to know his boundaries and that you are to be shown respect.
Children see and understand more than we give them credit for. It might take time but they will see what a great mum you are, something money can't buy

I'm sorry @Oldat40. I thought I'd seen it discussed on here. It's illegal where I live, but hard to prove. Your ex is a horrible person. It's disgusting there's no come back for what he's put you and your DC through. Fx for the court hearing.

Your boys might be dazzled by hot tubs and fancy holidays, the court will not. Sit tight, your 13 yr old will come to realise what a nasty piece your ex is.

@Riojasmoothy He knows it is absolutely not an acceptable way to speak to me, or to anybody else for that matter. What concerns me is that his dad openly lets him without bringing him into line about it. He just leaves me to deal with it.

You are going to have to step above these feelings of inadequacy or that your home less than your Ex's just because he has more money/ space. Your teenager is impressionable & as pp say, is taken in by all his father has etc. The disparity in the size of your homes shouldn't matter to family courts or anyone else really once what goes on under the roof is in best interests of children...unfortunately teenagers don't see things like that & are rarely tuned to be discerning or thoughtful. You need to have a talk with 13 YO...this shouting & refusing is tantrum behaviour, more appropriate to a 3 YO. Perhaps he needs some counselling to work through his feelings & to guide him to examine relationships & his behaviour & in turn your Ex's with his put-downs & sneers. It is totally s#!t when you see bad influences bring mirrored by your kids... you need to put the brakes on it. Also most ppl in child services/family courts can see through the language used by kids when explaining their living environments... they can see when more gadgets & 'fun' parent is just kids getting away with things & being spoiled...gushing kids don't always mean that the parent on the receiving end is the best one! You love your kids, they know that deep down...reinforce 'it is not what you have, it is who you are' as a guiding principle...hold firm to it.

Thanks all. I just can't bear being spoken to like that by my son - it brings back so many bad memories of my marriage to their dad. And if I am upset by it, what must it be doing to my 10 yo?
My 13 yo won't consent to any counselling as he doesn't see there is a problem. He says why would I want me to see him at all because he hates me and has done so for "about a year" (since his dad said we were going back to court yet again re custody).
Should I just let my ex have what he wants for the sake of keeping the peace?

Hi @Oldat40, I would second What others said and don’t take it to heart that your kids are distant when at their dad’s. It’s clear that your ex is imposing his negative views of you on the boys and clearly they don’t feel they can speak up yet.

Give it a few years and I guarantee you that your boys will see him for what he is. A nasty bully.

I have experience with this set up and my eldest two now live with me - despite the smaller house, lesser income etc compared to their father’s. Be patient.

As with regards to the courts: no, it won’t make a difference as long as your house is a decent home with a roof, clean water and electricity then don’t worry.

May I ask why there is such a discrepancy in housing between you and your ex? I take it you were married so I’d have expected the decree absolute to have made a provision for you to live in the same manner as your ex. Either both of you in big houses or both in smaller places. Why were you not adequately provided for in the divorce?

I think you’re best advised today go to court and press for a feelings and wishes report from Cafcass. Your kids are old enough to have their views heard. Cafcass are trained child psychologists who will be very skilled at listening between the lines of what your eldest is saying.

If you have proof, videos, photos or screenshots of your ex‘s hostile behaviour You can paint a picture to the judge of the parental alienation your ex is submitting your children to.

I just feel like I'm not good enough as a mum. My ex constantly undermines me

What sort of parent undermines the other? A really really crap one.
Your boys will know.

Usually the courts take a very dim view of one parent bad mouthing the other and can work out pretty quickly when kids are being influenced. It is obvious when spoken to if they're repeating their parents words and bad mouthing.

I would just keep being consistent. Keep being there. They might like 'things' at this age but will come to you for emotional support and comfort. They usually end up closest to the parent who doesn't mind fuck them.

[quote Oldat40]@partyatthepalace The thing that hurts is that I don't think they miss me. They never reply to my text messages or call when they are at their dads. It feels like they don't want me any more.[/quote]
You are being silly
They going to see you I couple days
They don't need contact every day with you if you have a good routine where they spend days with you and with dad
Unless there is emergency then relax they having good time you will see them in couple days
There is no reason to have constant contact thru day when you know they fine

House size us irrelevant you know that
Are you seeing a counsellor to help ?
CbT for example
You catastrophising.. if they don't text for 48 hours = they don't care in your mind
That is not true

They being cared for they are fine
Why do they need to text you thru the day?
You will spend time on your days
Stop comparing
See a lawyer fordivorce settlement?
Claim cms?

[quote Oldat40]@Kintsuji Sadly the courts don't recognise PA.
It was my turn to collect them after 10 days away and it was hell. Eldest was saying he wasn't going to get in the car to come home and stood in the rain for ages. I kept calm and eventually he got in. His dad stood at his front door with his arms folded as usual, no attempt to help support.
I then was called a fucking bitch, a fucking c**t, that he fucking hates me, doesn't love me and never wants to see me again etc. This went on for the duration of the journey home.
My youngest (10) is witness to all of this and sat in the back of the car looking terrified and wouldn't talk.
As soon as eldest got home he was fine again.
I just dont know what to do.[/quote]
So your oldest is,repeating what his dad says.
Go yourself to seek advice from a parenting teens fzmiky therapist

I don't think your being silly at all OP. Of course it is hurtful and horrible to hear that abuse from your son, but the more pressing issue is what your son is doing is showing that his father is causing him damage. I would say he is crying out for help here. It will get worse the older he gets. If CAFCASS is an option I'd say go down that route as soon as you are able.

@Embracelife They don't see me every couple of days. It's usually 7 days but can be up to 11/12.

@Embracelife No CMS due as 50/50.