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Relationships

Does having a bigger house = a better parent?

60 replies

Oldat40 · 16/02/2021 20:54

Just that really.

I share care 50/50 of our 13 and 10 yo boys with my ex-husband. He lives in the former matrimonial home which is five bed, four bathrooms. He also lives with his fianceé.

The boys spend the other half of the time with us in a rented three-bed; myself, my fiancé, and their eight month-old half sister. They have their own bedrooms.

Ex is again applying for more custody.

Will the marked difference in their living arrangements be taken into account?

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Oldat40 · 18/02/2021 14:06

@CaramelPops Because my ex hid money.

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CaramelPops · 18/02/2021 14:31

@Oldat40 You can make a referral to HMRC for suspected fraud if you think he undervalued his business. I’d go back to the court and re-evaluate the settlement.

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Oldat40 · 18/02/2021 14:33

@CaramelPops He is too smart for that and I haven't got the money to challenge it sadly. He is extremely clever and qualified in fiance.

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Oldat40 · 18/02/2021 14:34

*finance

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Fireflygal · 18/02/2021 14:56

Op, when you son is back home and settled what does he say?

There is sufficient change at your house to make him feel unsettled as having a sibling when you're a teen can invoke strange feelings. 13 is also a tricky age. Is the application for both boys to live with him fulltime?

If it's 50/50 how come there's such a long gap between contact, do you do 2 weeks on/off?

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Embracelife · 18/02/2021 15:28

[quote Oldat40]@Embracelife They don't see me every couple of days. It's usually 7 days but can be up to 11/12.[/quote]
Ah OK but it s OK if they don't text for couple days ..you know where they are.

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However it would be worth you seeking counselling and family therapy even if ds won't go

This is not about whose house is bigger

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CaramelPops · 18/02/2021 15:41

@Oldat40 I am so sorry that he treated you like that. Hope his new fiancée watches and learns. That’s clearly his MO when it comes to women.

Be patient with your boys and just keep being a good mum and stay focused on them. They’ll grow up and will see him for who he really is. 🤗

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Oldat40 · 18/02/2021 15:47

@Fireflygal He is back to his lovely self when he is settled but he can't risk his dad knowing that.
What bothers me is they have both been said to have an insecure attachment style...well that is what happens when the courts rule 50/50 when your kids are just 3 and 6 and all your ex does is feed your children full of misinformation and scary "facts". Eg. Mum only left me because she wanted another baby. Absolutely ridiculous!

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NewYearHere20 · 18/02/2021 16:42

Unfortunately whether now or in the near future your children will vote with their feet in terms of where they live.
I also had a 50/50 arrangement post divorce but my kids have recently decided they'd rather live with their Dad most of the time. It's been an absolutely heart breaking time and I'm convinced my ex has been spending time turning their minds against me - but the reality is I have no evidence of such - and even if I did I don't think I could do an awful lot about it.
All the way though our separation I was determined to do 2 things. a) not to play tug of war with the kids and b) not to say a bad word against my ex in front of the kids.
3 years later they have decided on their own to live with him more anyway. My advice would be not to waste more money and energy on court or lawyers but to simply ask the kids what they want - as that's what will happen long term anyway.

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Suagar · 18/02/2021 20:24

@Oldat40, they're boys and are at the age where they're looking up to their dad to help form them in manhood and be their guide as they grow into men. They naturally want to spend more time with their same-sex parent and it's completely normal.

I observed this myself with my brothers when they were growing up. This would be the much bigger factor for why they're drawn to him than your ex's more expensive lifestyle. It's nothing to do with you not being 'good enough'; children have two parents for a reason and he's just as important a parent as you. Unless he has valid reasons for going for more custody e.g. a move that would affect his relationship with them without his agreement, or you're a neglectful/abusive parent, then he won't get anywhere with a custody battle.