How do you know if you’re unlikeable?

[ItsGalindaWithaGah]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it links in to relationships I think.
It sounds pathetic -

I’m 29 and I have no friends. None.
I don’t think I’m an awful person but there must be some reason for it.
How do you know if you’re unlikeable? Or what it is people don’t like about you?
Obviously I could ask but I doubt people would be honest.
I’m not sure what I’m hoping to hear but I’m feeling really down and don’t know what to do to help the situation.

Have you ever had any friends? I don’t think anyone is totally unlikeable but as I don’t know you, I don’t know what you’re like. Do you argue with people? How is your relationship with your family?

@Shoxfordian I’ve had friends for short periods of time, like in a workplace, but when I’ve moved on, it’s like I’ve been forgotten about. I’ve tried to keep up with those friendships but then they’ve stopped replying to messages and made excuses to stop meeting socially (before COVID of course).
I don’t argue with people, and think I’m very non confrontational. I worry about people not liking me so wouldn’t want to argue or disagree with them too much.
I only have a couple of family members, and I have an okay relationship with them! I also have a partner and a child who seem to like me.

It doesn’t seem like you’re inherently unlikeable then

I think some people are just situational friends where the main thing you have in common is work so once you’re not there anymore, you lose touch. It’s ok for friendships to not last forever as well.

Once real life comes back, you should join some social clubs like on meet-up and see if you can find some new friends. Maybe try an online book club or something in the meantime. Does your partner have male friends with female partners you could befriend once you can invite people over? Don’t be so hard on yourself

Sorry you are feeling like this. As pp says, it’s hard to answer without knowing you, but from what you have written I wonder if there’s a chance that your approach of not disagreeing etc makes you come across as someone without many opinions, which in turn could be interpreted as boring? Obviously I’m not saying you are boring! But when I think about my friends, part of the things I really value is being able to discuss things and get various opinions/advice from different people. Could it be that you are suppressing your true personality and that is what’s hindering you?

I have had a number of friends who I basically just 'let go'. The reason was simple, in conversation I always felt like I was interviewing them. I asked them questions and they answered. There was no emotional engagement on any level really.

Do you do this? It's a killer.

I'm the same as you OP. I only have 2 long term friendships but we're not in contact a lot of the time. And I have shorter term friendships where I drift away and lose contact. In school I always had people to hang around with but they were all friends of a friend and I felt like a spare part. They would meet up on weekends without me. I used to make a lot of effort to make and keep friendships but was never fully accepted and people either went off me or had me as a friend at arms length. People who I had done nothing to and who I didnt really know would say they didn't like me. Other people have told me they thought I was a bitch until they got to know me then say they think I'm kind, funny and loyal. I don't really try to make friends anymore. I'm polite and friendly but I never try for it to go further as I would in the past as I don't think there's any point, then maybe I appear uninterested and cold, so it's a cycle.

Posted too soon,

What I mean was they never asked me anything. It was like pulling teeth.
I always felt like they had no social skills and didn't want to know me in any significant way.

I have few real friends. I think I'm too needy and a people pleaser. I realise that nobody wants friends with these traits.
I'm sure you are likeable and not like me thankfully.

Hey OP, what are your family relationships like? How did/do your parents/siblings make you feel, and make you feel about yourself?

Sometimes it’s dumb luck, connecting with someone you click with, or studying/working with people who are warm and curious about others. And sometimes lowering expectations and just focusing on doing interesting stuff that fires you up can lead to acquaintances - and some acquaintances can develop into friends.

If we want things to change, we have to do different things. Do something anomalous to your norm every day, even just a very little thing.

Are you always reliable to turn up when meeting?
I had a friend that I met at a playgroup and I thought we would become really good friends we would see each other at play group and we would natter every now and again through texts and she would say "oh I really want to meet will be so nice to catch up" but then would cancel on the morning.

I even had it where I was almost at the place of meeting literally 5 minutes before the time she was meant to meet she cancelled with a lame excuse as always.
The last time I was meant to meet up with her last year after her saying she couldn't wait to meet up so much to talk about, blah blah blah she cancelled again.
So I haven't tried to meet up with her again as it's pointless.

If you are really reliable then I think you sound from what you say like a likeable person.
I think some people just aren't great at always staying friends they move on to the next when they have other distractions.

In my experience it's easier to make friends when you feel comfortable in your own skin. That is, if you view yourself as interesting and likeable, then others do too. The trouble with holding back or trying to not be something, is that it comes across as inauthentic. And that makes people feel uncomfortable.

I used to suffer from shyness and would hold myself back in social situations. I remember once having a fun night out at a gig with a work colleague, and her commenting that she had never seen me relaxed before. She was right- I did feel uncomfortable in the work role I was in, but being at the gig made me feel I could be myself.

Maybe take up a hobby you really enjoy - you'll be more likely to relax and be yourself.

I think friends are people that actively enjoy each other’s company. If you have no friends what aren’t you liking about other people?

I don't think I am always the most popular person in the room. But I would say over the years I have built up decent friendships.

I would say following have worked for me:

• don't necessarily go and try to be friends with the most confident/popular person in the room
• remember things people tell you
• be kind & don't moan about people
• reliable
• remember things like birthdays
• don't be too needy & keep messaging but equally try to instigate things sometimes

I don't think these are things that everyone looks for & you might not end up being in the middle of a big loud group. But not sure that's what you would want?

It's tough for you. If your child is school age & in normal times you might meet other Mums.

Does DH have a friendship group? Can you make friends with their partners/wives?

I have very few close friends. I’ve attempted to make some friends with school mums, and other people when I moved to a new area, friendships last for a while and then I’m ditched/excluded which hurts. I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone and nothing much to say. I also overcompensate and can be an oversharer.

I have a couple of friends in my home town but nobody very close here. I struggle to trust people so that is why.

Try smiling a lot. It makes you seem nicer! I have to remind myself to smile and practice in shops etc. Also listen well and ask questions that keep the conversation going. But remember to talk about yourself too, so it doesn't seem like you are interviewing them.

In trying to be agreeable, you may be making yourself forgettable. I don't mean for that to sound nasty - I suspect I've had the same problem myself on occasion - but if you're always suppressing your own feelings and thoughts in case other people disagree with you, you might be coming across like you don't have anything to say for yourself. It can be really draining to be in a social situation like that.

I think you also need to consider if you're always finding yourself being drawn to quiet, introverted types who don't have the mental energy to draw you into conversations. I am an introvert and I usually find that I'm better off with a mix of friends with different personality types. You need to have extroverts in the mix because they don't find socialising as tiring and you don't have to work at making them want to meet up and do things! I love my introvert friends too, but I have to admit it's not always easy to get them enthused about going for a drink or whatever. I know this only too well because I have to build up to social occasions myself and I know if it was up to me, I'd rarely go anywhere.

I'm pondering that question for myself at the moment. I work from home, so my only daily social contact with is Hubby. Family are overseas. I have participated in a couple of community groups and done my time in one voluntary position or another, so I don't keep myself hidden away.

I ''had'' a friend who also works from home, and we made a commitment to go out to lunch together monthly. Went well for a couple of lunches, and then one day she seemed rather negative but I put that down to having family worries.

At our last lunch, anything I said was met with criticism up to the point of being ridiculed, and it didn't matter what topic we discussed.

We have had the odd messenger communication since and it has been no better. Also well overdue for our monthly luncheon date*. The last time two times I have initiated a message, I can see my message has been read but get no response, and its been along the lines of ''would you like...'' type messages.

I don't know what I have done either but I feel deflated too. I'm not sure if its covid related pressure we are all under or if it's a normal turn in relationships for her. I can see she is interacting with others.

Sorry, this is probably of no help other than to say please do not feel you are on your own with feeling this. It doesn't make any sense to me either...

*not in the UK so lock down doesn't apply.

I am 35 and really only have 1 friend, I’m not close to anyone in my family either, I would say even my mum actively avoids having to spend time with me! I seem to get on with people ok when I work with them or have it talk to other mums at school etc but no one ever seems to be interested in getting to know me. I have attempted to organise things with people who share the same hobby as me in the past but it never works out and it ends up causing me a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights wondering what I’ve done wrong so now I don’t bother.

I have come to the conclusion that I have quite an annoying personality, people don’t hate me they just don’t want to spend time with me. I have tried to change but it’s hard because I get anxious when I meet people and it makes me talk too much

This might sound odd, but a lot of people get put off if you are non-confrontational and worry that people like you. For a few reasons this could be what's stopping you from making friends.

It can be hard to 'read' someone who never says what they really think for fear of offending. You feel like there's always a screen up between the real person and the self they present. Far more relaxing to be with someone who is opinionated or even downright rude, as at least you know where you stand.

People who want to be liked can come over as needy. It puts pressure on the other person to actively like them and it can make people feel trapped. Try to develop a take it or leave it attitude - not stand-offish, just
not bothered either way.

When lockdown ends, go out and do things in groups - things you genuinely enjoy for their own sake. You might make friends but if you don;t you will at least be doing something fun.

The best advice in this is to stop looking so closely at yourself and whether you have the right qualities and attributes.
The truth is - people like you because of the way you make them feel about themselves! Even (or perhaps especially) the most cold hearted narcissistic friends know this! And some genuinely nice open and good people miss this essential ingredient in forming relationships.

My advice OP is to focus on being someone that makes people feel good about who they are and they will want you around.

....following

@Labobo

This might sound odd, but a lot of people get put off if you are non-confrontational and worry that people like you. For a few reasons this could be what's stopping you from making friends.

It can be hard to 'read' someone who never says what they really think for fear of offending. You feel like there's always a screen up between the real person and the self they present. Far more relaxing to be with someone who is opinionated or even downright rude, as at least you know where you stand.

People who want to be liked can come over as needy. It puts pressure on the other person to actively like them and it can make people feel trapped. Try to develop a take it or leave it attitude - not stand-offish, just
not bothered either way.

When lockdown ends, go out and do things in groups - things you genuinely enjoy for their own sake. You might make friends but if you don;t you will at least be doing something fun.

I was about to say something like this. You characterise what you’re like in negatives. All you say about yourself is that you’re ‘non-confrontational’ and ‘don’t argue’ with people, and you see these as good things, even though it makes you sound like a cardboard cut out..

What do you actually bring to a potential friendship?

For instance, I moved countries just over a year ago, and while it’s been a difficult time to make friends during months of lockdown, the people I’ve met that I’m attracted to as potential friends all have in common that they lead interesting lives, enjoy their work (often in creative industries), are good talkers, have all lived in other countries. Nothing else in common — some are men, some are women, married, single, different nationalities, ages etc. Some of them disagree with me on things — it’s not a deal-breaker for me!

I doubt that you are unlikeable, but you might find this book useful
“How to make anyone like you” by Leil Lowndes.